update

luvbug00 wrote: So after talking this yesterday, turns out lars went out with the fat cow (his "freind" christina) for lunch. i HATE her. HATE her. Anyhow Last night and this morning lars was all ready to have us come home but that fat heffer decided to put it in his head that we should date. DATE! And then see where it goes.

please somone help me find a positive in this. I mean that is the STUIPEDEST idea i've ever heard of. She thinks lars and i should hang out and see eachother and i should visit him and he visit me and work on our issues seperately and then come together.

I say NO. When your in it with somone you work out your issues together it makes you stronger as a coupple. This is going to just drive us apart. The you do your thing and i'll do mine symotaniusly, then we'll get together thing NEVER works. EVER. I'm so livid this is EXACTLY why i cut the out in the first place. ARUGHHH I HAAAATE HER!!!!

mummy2girls replied: well i can see it from both sides...and please dont get mad at me for sayign this... she is right to a certain point... Lars does need to figure out what he wants and such. he needs to work on his issues. I think you need to work it out together though too... some things yes somethings maby he needs to deal with them alone. Dateing... yes instead of just moving back in maby you should date for a bit to see if he really has changed his thinking and wants. Because Mya is at a very vunerable state and to move her right in and then have it blow up again will be hard on her. Date for a bit( and im not saying years) im saying for a few weeks, see if it will change before bringing mya into the mix. I know you want to be with him and love him BUT you have to think of Mya first.

Jenna was hurt by the breakup of aron and bea and i didnt thinks he was but some behavioural changes started and the teachers could see her get upset when dad was brought up... You never truely know how effected they can get...My sister had alot of diff boyfriend husbands and unfortunetly her daughter was mixed up in it and she was hurt and went through alot. I felt so badly for my niece. not my sister to go through all that but my niece... Just eb careful if you do get back together!

stella6979 replied: Well, regardless of what she says, Lars is a grown man and can make his own decisions. Sorry to say it, but I think it's time to move on.

luvbug00 replied:
never

I see your point but we lived together. We had our rutines and things we did as a family. I just think it's stuiped to think that just because we are dating that it's going to solve the problem. i think it's running from the problems. Our problems were occered while living together. How are we then facing them living apart? How are we supposed to show eachother what we are capable of without the real actions? So i'm supposed to pretend that all is grand and then he get's swept up in the dating and think's all is fine and there would be poopie hitting the fan when we move back in and the problem wasn't addressed head on. I can't show him the changes from a distance. I can't grow with him from a distance. How am i supposed to utalize what we learn in therapy if we aren't living together and using it in real life and not just when we are out on a date?

Calimama replied:
As do I. The instability can't be good for Mya. Maybe it's time to find someone who knows what he wants.

If you really feel like he's the one I agree with the dating idea. That way you don't just move back in and have to move out in a couple weeks and upset Mya's life again. Good luck.

mckayleesmom replied:
Yes...you lived together....and it didn't work out. Whos to say that the same thing won't happen again? I really think that would be very hard on Mya...and also not look good on your part in the custody thing you are going through....Judges want to see consistancy.

Sorry, but I can totally see what his friend is saying. I find it hard to believe that breaking up overnight made him realize all the things he wanted and everything is just going to fall into place....You lived with him for how long and you guys never really came to any sort of compromise about the problems you were already having.

As far as running from his problems...you kind of did the same thing by not staying and working it out and going home. He is probably just making sure that you guys get on the same page before moving back into gether. Until the problems that you already have with him (baby, marriage..etc) are worked out...then what is the point of moving back in to fight about the same issues? Why not date until you come to that point in your relationship? That way you know when you move back in that you guys are moving forward.

Cece00 replied:
Yes, I agree with these ladies as well.

mummy2girls replied:
no i didnt mean dateing would solve the problem because you did live with each other. That came out wrong:( What i am afraid of is that you and lars start dateing and then he just says what you want is what he wants and then When you move back in a few montsh down the line boom you are back to where you started. I just feel he needs to know that youa re not messing around that you dont want to play these games because of mya and everything you guys went through. Aron was this way with me and finally after a few years i decided enough is enough Jenna and I deserve better. i didnt think i would find better but i did. Maby it just wasnt meant to be. I do think he needs to figure out what he wants. You both need to deal with it together yes for sure but also he needs to deal with some issues on hsi own. Maby being apart for that little bit and just dateing will give him enough to wake up and see what he is missing and could miss out on. Dont pretend nothing is wrong deal with it all and have him make a choice...love is tough but expecially with someone thatd oesnt knwo what the heck he wants!

luvmykids replied:
I'm sorry, I really have to agree with all this. I know it's not what you want to hear

My impression, as an outsider, is that Lars doesn't know even remotely what he wants...I know he loves and cares about you and Mya both but that doesn't make him ready and forcing any of it won't either. I know in your other post you said you wanted to fight with all you have because you know you could be a happy couple, but he's the one who needs to know that

Love is hard, and relationships take work, but imho to have to work and fight so hard when you really haven't even started the big stuff (marriage and kids) may mean that as much as you feel like he's the right guy, he really isn't. You deserve someone who doesn't need YOU to prove to him that you're the person he wants to be with, you deserve a guy who knows it all by himself

mysweetpeasWil&Wes replied:
ITA with Monica. Sorry it isn't what you want to hear sweetie, but I actually think his friend, the one you hate, has a good point. The best thing DH and I ever did before getting married was to break up for a while, figure things out for ourselves. Decide what we wanted as individuals, clear our heads. Then when getting back together, we both were ready to be in the relationship, equally. No pull and tug, we BOTH wanted the same things at the exact same time. No pressure. And we never even brought up the issues from the past because they weren't even issues for us anymore, since we resolved them apart from each other, independently. If the issues are still there while you date, meaning you or he just can't let them go, then it's time to move on.

MommyToAshley replied:
I agree. Relationships are hard when it is just two, but it's harder when you have a child. Mya really took it hard, I am sure you wouldn't want her to go through that again. I would make sure all of his issues are ironed out and both of you are sure this is what you want before you move back in together.

I'm so sorry.

Teesa®© replied: Maybe I'm not getting the whole picture here, I try to keep up on things and what's going on with who, but there's too many of you!!

How long have you been separated, Luv? If it hasn't been that long, then honestly, I don't see a reason for "dating" just yet. What I'm getting from these posts is that you each have issues that need to be addressed in order for you both to get back on track. I don't know what all the issues are, and I won't pretend that I do.

You think it's best that both of you go for counselling together. So try that. It's a start. Maybe it'll come out that each of you has his/her issue/s that need to be addressed separately. You'll be able to deal with that if it arises, just don't shut the door on separate counselling if it'll help.

I can understand you being ticked at the friend. I'd be pizzed that she's butting her nose in, but at least she's trying to help and not trying to get Lars for herself. I've no idea, but I'm getting that she's not the "other woman" or anything.

Only you really know what's best for you. We'll all give you the best advice we have, but no matter what you decide in the end, we're all here for you

Maddie&EthansMom replied:
Scotty and I went through this too. We broke up for 7 months with no contact at all. It wasn't easy, but I knew he was the person I wanted to marry and if in my heart I knew it, I also knew that eventually we would be together again. He had issues that he had to work out, and when he was ready....I welcomed him back with open arms.

I feel for you...I really do. It's so hard when you know something to be certain and the other person is running from it. Give him his space and it will all work out the way it's meant to.

holley79 replied: How long did you guys actually date before moving in with one another? How long had you guys been living together before you brought up having a baby and setting ultimatums. I'm not a guy by any means but from what I remember it seemed to happen pretty fast. Maybe he does want children but it doesn't mean he wants them right now. Maybe he does want to get married but he doesn't want it right now. IMO it seems you guys moved WAY too quickly and there is a child involved. I understand Mya is upset and rightly so she has been moved from her "home" and probably feels displaced. I think, seriously, right now you need to focus on Mya and yourself. Tell Lars not to contact you for no sooner then a month. If he contacts you after a month and you guys are able to work things out then it was meant to be. If not then move on.