underage drinking - thoughts, suggestions, what did you do?

amymom wrote: Hello all, The pressure of being the parent of a teen. Oh joy! Anyone want me to lend you a teen for a week or so? I could use a break!

Anyway, I may be naïve and do know I grew up a bit sheltered?!?! …. So I am taking a survey and I would love your input….

At what age did you first drink alcohol without your parents’ knowledge. I’m not talking about sips of beer or other stuff out of Dad’s glass, I mean hanging out in a park, hiding from the cops drinking alcohol. OR going to a friends party, and alcohol is snuck in. either no parents there or just the alcohol snuck in. OR even other people’s parents supplying it.

First of all 18 was the legal drinking age when I was a teen, and I remember drinking after I was 18, a little when I was 17 but nothing before that. Also, I remember before my senior prom, we picked up a friend at her house and her parents offered us champagne, which I of course drank, but I was 18 she and her date were not but they both drank and my date was driving and did not drink.

Anyway short of handcuffing Billy to his bed or worse….. I am trying to prevent some bad choices and am looking for input. So did anyone drink at 15? And why did you drink that young? and what advice would you give a 15 year old about drinking early? or his mother???

Thanks

kit_kats_mom replied: I started drinking at 14 when I was hanging out with the "bad kids". Honestly, we were just bored to tears. Our town had nothing for teenagers to do unless your parents gave you money for movies...so we got together in the woods and drank cheap wine or beer. LOL

MamaJAM replied: I started stealing drinks or getting stuff at parites when I was 14. Actually - I drank way more in high school than I do now (I almost never drink now). The legal drinking age was (and is) 21 -- which is around when I stopped ever drinking.

I think the reason I drank back then was because I was told I shouldn't. My father drank a few beers just about every night and my mother had gin & tonic with dinner daily. I also saw my parents drinking wine when we were out or having a special dinner. I figured it was appealing and 'grown up' to drink. I also discovered that while alcohol loosened me up and I felt more comfortable at parties -- I stayed pretty 'with-it' and could easily hide my drinking from my parents (if they ever had had a clue I had been drinking they would have come down on me - HARD....which is why I know they never had a clue). The only thing I was ever told about drinking as a teen was "Don't".

DH and I have been open with our kids about drinking....we explain more the whys of not drinking as a teen (kills off brain cells - makes you lose control of yourself - etc). We also don't do much drinking in this house -- we have wine on some holidays....and DH has a beer maybe twice a month -- but alcohol is just not a part of life in our house.

Our oldest is 13 -- and starts high school in the fall -- so we've been bulking up on the comments and conversations about drinking, drugs and sex with her. We'll see how things really go when we have to loosen the reigns a bit more as she gets older.

kayla's mama replied: I started drinking when I was about 14. I really did it out of bored and hanging around the wrong crowd. My parents didn't really talk to me about drinking. I guess they thought I would learn because of having an alcholic in the family and seeing what it did, but no that didn't work. I drank more in HS then I do know. After I turned 21 I really stopped drinking. It really wasn't that fun. I guess the thrill of maybe getting caught was fun, I really don't remember.
This is one thing I'm not looking forward to in the future with Kayla.

Boys r us replied: I started drinking around 15 socially at parties..etc. Honestly, I think pretty much all kids experiment with alcohol and there isn't much you can do about it. I'm sure a lot of people won't agree with my philosophy, but I do not in anyway plan to encourage teen drinking with my kids, but before I ignore it and pretend/hope it's not happening, I WILL make sure that it's being done in a safe, controlled environment..i.e. my house!

luvmykids replied: I think my first drink was around my junior year of high school, but I was a chicken and didn't actually get drunk until New Years Eve my senior year, at which point I was date raped and that scared me straight for a while, my parents couldn't have said anything that was as effective as that. I stopped until my 2nd year of college and partied until I was in my late 20's.

For me, looking back, it was mostly out of low self esteem, wanting to be "cool" and feeling more confident after a drink or two. Not having teens yet and basing it on my experiences, I'm hoping to help them have the confidence to know they don't "need" to do it to be cool or have fun. Easier said than done!

Also, alcoholism runs strongly in DH's family so we've already decided alcohol just won't be a part of our life, we don't have any in the house and I have never enjoyed the occasional beer or margarita in front of the kids, only at a restaurant when they're not there.

How to stop the other influences, I'm not sure. I think talking openly about it and why he would want to try it, the dangers of the "other side" of it, the fact it can make you sick, make bad decisions, etc. can help but other than that I'm not sure.

Best wishes, hugs and prayers!!

redchief replied: We were allowed to drink at home at 15 under parental supervision. My parents believed that teaching us responsible behavior with alcohol comsumption was as important as teaching us responsible sexual behavior. I suppose it worked because I never really got into the knock-down drag out, get idiot party scene. I mean I went to some parties, I just didn't get housed like a lot of my peers did. Being a natural control freak kind of puts a crimp in the amount of alcohol I would drink too.

jcc64 replied: Dh and I met in h.s., and we both started drinking around age 14- beginning of freshman year. Not regularly, but it was always a goal of some w/e activity. Lots of hanging out in "the cornfields", the woods, cemeteries, people's basements when the parents weren't home, stuff like that. We were both "good" kids- honor roll, athletes, got along with adults- blah blah blah. The drinking never interfered with major responsibilities- and honestly, I don't think there was anything terribly dysfunctional about it. It was pretty predictable and typical adolescent experimentation. What kept it from degenerating into something more self destructive? That's something I keep examining in my mind as my own child rapidly approaches the same age. I'm starting to think one strategy is to keep them busy and engaged in some time consuming activity that offers them something else to focus on other than getting high. For my son, that's baseball- he's on 3 teams and literally doesn't have much free time to get into any real trouble. And although I'm pretty sure he hasn't "gone there" yet, I'm certain the opportunity will soon be presenting itself- and I know many of the kids he grew up with have started with the sneaking beer into parties/raiding parents' liquor cabinets thing. I've spoken at great length with my son about making good choices and staying safe. To me, I'm less concerned with the drinking itself than with the reckless behavior associated with it- mainly drinking and driving. I believe it's more practical to acknowledge that this sort of stuff goes on, that much of it is unpreventable, and to limit the lectures to practical ways to stay safe in real life situations.

mckayleesmom replied: I was always the designated driver for the most part...

CantWait replied: Well I can say you can talk till you're blue in the face, but the fact of the matter is no matter what a teenagers morals or values are he's bound to get sucked in by peer pressure and make a few bad choices.

My first taste of alcohol was the summer going from grade 9 to grade 10, so I was about 14 years old or so. I believed at that time that drinking was stupid, and that drugs were even worse, but curiousity got the best of me one night, and just like you said, I went to a park with a bunch of friends and nearly drank myself to death. I won't share the embarrasing details, but it was pretty bad. My mom ended up grounding me for a month.

My only advice is to input a no ask policy. If he does drink even though you highly discourage it for whatever reasons you have that he can call you, and you won't ask why, what happened or whatever. whether it be for the rest of the night, or ever.

I hope you son chooses the right choices, but if he doesn't just remember that it's probably just a phase. I don't believe that drinking with friends at a party leads to anything serious unless there is something wrong at home etc.

JP&KJMOM replied:

Are you from a small town in Texas? This pretty much sums up my experience too. I was 15 and there was nothing (not even movies) in our town so we found a deserted dirt roads and drank cheap beer and wine. At the ripe age of 16 I left a party and had drank a couple of beers. I was going to fast on a dirt road and lost control. I ended up in a field, car upside down. This was before seat belt laws and I promise my best friend and I were absolutely 2 very lucky girls. It scared the &*(^&^ out of both of us and it was a long time before I did drink again. Of course I was also grounded for many months after that too.

My parents did drink on occasion and it was never put to me to be something BAD because they did it in moderation.
As for our life now.... Jason drinks beer on the weekends and I have an occasional drink (wine, margarita or beer) maybe once a month. Our kids are growing up around it as most of our family drinks at gatherings but there will be lessons taught. My parents always said after my accident "IF you drink don't drive, call me and I will come get you (with some reprocusions) but I would rather get out of bed at 1 am and come get you so I can have you alive. "

amymom replied: Wow all great information. Keep it coming. I really appreciate others input. Thanks.

Great advice


Thanks everyone! I am looking forward to reading more. Keep it coming!!!

MyLuvBugs replied:
Ok....First taste of beer - (don't be shocked) - 5 years old.....I grabbed my dad's beer thinking it was a soda pop and drank it all b/c I was thirsty. Dad thought it was funny, and mom nearly had a heart attack.

First time I actually went to a "party" with alcohol, 14 years old. I later found out that the goal of the other girls at the party was to get me plastered and then put me on my parents door step. However, I out drank them all. I guess having alcoholism in the family helps with alcohol tolerance lol (just kidding). But we did beer and shots of something else. I think they were Jack Daniels wine coolers or something. Cause that was the cool thing back then I guess.

So, why did I drink???? Not sure....Peer pressure I guess. That and I was thirsty. lol I don't know. Peer pressure is really hard to deal with when you aren't prepared for dealing with it, and I guess I just caved into it. KWIM?

Advice? well, talk to your son everyday until your blue in the face and he's sick of hearing about it....and then talk some more about it. Give him examples of peer pressure, and ask him what he'd do. Show pictures of what alcohol does to the liver, and a drunk driver accident or something for shock value if he really won't listen. That helped me.....well, until college that is. lol
But my advice for you is to just be there. Show your disappointment in him when he does the wrong thing, and give him punishments that equal the crime. But ultimately they have to learn somethings through trial and error....sucks I know, but just be there for him when he needs you. I hope that helps.

MyLuvBugs replied: After reading most of your posts.....I'm so glad I'm not the only one that started at 14. lol And I do thing boredom is a huge factor. I'm a small town girl, and we were always bored.

kit_kats_mom replied: Boredom is bad. Idle hands and such...you guys know the drill. LOL

Keep them busy with extracirricular activities, offer to drive the child and some friends to local kids dances and such.

Cece00 replied: I started drinking socially @ 13/14. Friends would get older ppl to buy it or take it from their parents. Honestly, though, as a teenager- it was MUCH easier to get drugs than it was to get alcohol, and I would worry about my kids doing drugs a LOT more than I would drinking alcohol. I spent more of my weekends doing drugs than I did drinking in high school (not heroin or anything!! just wanted to make it clear, not hardcore drugs).

I dont drink much now (well, not at all right now, I'm pregnant)- I mean generally as an adult. When I'm not pregnant, maybe 1-2 times a wk, and maybe getting REALLY drunk like 2 times a month. DH likes to drink (not in a "I have a problem" way, he is very controlled, like maybe with dinner he'll have a beer or two), he might drink like 2-4 times a wk, but only get really drunk maybe 3-4 times a month.

Personally, I think that is a thing kids go through and will probably do no matter what. I think putting them in lots of actitivies/sports and talking with them a lot is a good way to curb it but I think almost EVERY kid does that at some point. That doesnt mean you shouldnt try and stop it, be careful who you let them hang out with, make consequences if they are caught, etc...but when it comes down to it...your kid is going to do what he/she wants to do.

luvbug00 replied: *****We were allowed to drink at home at 15 under parental supervision. My parents believed that teaching us responsible behavior with alcohol comsumption was as important as teaching us responsible sexual behavior. I suppose it worked because I never really got into the knock-down drag out, get idiot party scene. I mean I went to some parties, I just didn't get housed like a lot of my peers did. Being a natural control freak kind of puts a crimp in the amount of alcohol I would drink too.****

my thoughts EXACTLY!

i started at 12 or 13. I was in 7th grade. I never drank beer and never will. Only the hard stuff. and like i said before ITA with ED.

amymom replied:
Ed, Have you done the same with your kids? If so, how did that work out, the older ones did they drink alot or just at home?

luvmykids replied: Another thought, I'm pretty sure it was Derek Jeter and his mom on Oprah, if not him some other huge athelete, and they talked about as a kid he had a contract he signed with his parents .... any little violation and he had to sit out a game or more depending on the severity. His parents didn't care if it ruined his career, a deal was a deal and it only took a few "sit outs" for him to realize they would stand firm and he didn't have to sit out again after 5th grade or something like that.

The point being if your child is passionate about something and has better things to do, and also that the threat of not being able to do it can be a powerful tool. I know for Colt the thought of having to sit out at a rodeo is the end of the world, he will do anything to avoid that.

redchief replied:
Hmmm... not sure how to answer this in an open forum, because actually allowing such a thing would be illegal. Okay, here's my answer...

I have no problem with parents who allow their teenaged children to drink a little with them during family functions so long as it is monitored and the purpose is social. I believe that would have mixed results depending upon the child and his or her ability to understand the ground rules and his/her own level of self-control. I know that's not really an answer, but it's the best I can do in a public forum.

Kittilicious replied: I started drinking at age 15 and stopped around age 19. Whats funny is I didn't really realize it until just a few years ago that it was because of the friends I had. I didn't drink unless I was with this particular group of friends. It was the only thing we did; got drunk. I don't think we really had anything in common now that I think about it. There was another group of friends that I had and we never did drink. I'm 33 now and I just can't understand the facination with alcohol - you do things you normally wouldn't do, you say things you normally wouldn't say and you feel like crap. Boy, fun!

My dh was a bad drinker in high school/early 20's and after we had Taryn we didn't have the money to go out and eventually his friends - and my friends - quit calling. I remember once a friend called at 8:30 at night and wanted us to meet her at the bar... where was I going to get a babysitter at that time of night?? So we quit going out, quit drinking really and have since been very happy just at home. We don't miss it at all. We don't drink at home....

.... and neither did my parents. I think thats the key right there. My friend's parents drank at home (and I know that their family get-togethers are still alot of drinking), therfore she drank.

I'm hoping that I'm right on this one because I don't want my girls to drink. I know they will, at least once. Every kid does. But you know what? I won't be happy about it and they will know it if I find out.

amymom replied: Again thanks everyone, there is alot of info in these posts. I am going to spend much time rereading them. I appreciate all the info.


Sometimes, Ed, I don't think. But I appreciate your answer, anyway. This is all new ground for me, and I of course want to do it perfectly. which won't happen. We told our son that the consequence for drinking at this time is that we will not give our permission for him to obtain a lerner's permit and will not teach him to drive. Zero Tolerance so to speak. But I wonder if we need to be a bit more .... how do I say it... instructional, maybe guide him into drinking responsibly as opposed to irresponsibly. Like how your parents handled it. Although, my husband never drinks and I do on occasion. I bought a six pack of beer for Christmas and there are still 4 left in the fridge. (And yes I have checked DS has not touched them ) Company drank those two. I suppose I have had about three glasses of wine this year. So not much occasion to instruct DS. But I will ocnsider this option as well.

Oh boy how do any teens grow into responsible adults without the death of their parents first?

CantWait replied:
That's great advice

mysweetpeasWil&Wes replied: I started at 15. My parents always had alcohol in the house and my friends and I would sneak it out and drink in parks or somewhere we thought we wouldn't get caught. It wasn't until I was 22+ though that I really got drunk...too drunk, like every night! So one can say that starting early, lead me to drink more later on in life, but I'm not sure that's the real reason. Also, I don't blame my parents for having alcohol in the house. Again, I don't think it's what lead me to start drinking whatsoever. I do have an older sister who drank heavily through HS and went to parties, and so I think the influence was probably there. I thought she was soooooo cool! Anyhow, I too am more concerned about what happens WHILE kids drink, more so than just trying alcohol alone. I know they're going to try it at one point or another, and I'm fine with that. It's so much more important to me to teach them good choices: how to be safe, not overdoing it, not getting in a car with a drunk driver, etc. So I plan to talk more about the consequences of drinking rather than keep preaching to them, "just don't try it".

A&A'smommy replied: I didn't really start drinking until I was 16 and had many of drunken nights until I so sloppy drunk that I was WAY too close to having alcohol poisoning so I didn't really get drunk drunk again mostly I grew being told that I shouldn't drink but if I do and I don't have a ride to call my parents and there will be no questions asked never needed to do that because we always had a dd. My parents also had alcohol in the house i was alloud to have it IF i was alone but on the times that I wasn't we would sneak it.. my parents alloud it so I wouldn't feel like i needed to drink when I was out with my friends.. it didn't work for me but I will have the same rules because I didn't really drink until I got into a bad relationship (plus we don't always have alcohol in the house anyway) I'm still underaged but I'm also and adult now and rarely ever drink and i think the way my parents talks and rules have had a lot to do with that.

oh and I drank because I wanted to I was NEVER pressured to drink

AlexsPajamaMama replied: There is alcoholism in my family...my dad is has been sober for 10 years and never had alcohol in the house while my brother and I were growing up.

I drank some in HS, JR and SR year. I was responsible about it and was always soo afraid that I would become addicted if I drank too often so I really just stayed clear of it for the most part. I havent had a drink now for over a year, and when I do its not to get drunk.

My brother, 2 and a half years younger than me, on the other hand got mixed up with the wrong crowd of kids in HS and drank often and still does. He was the partier and I wasnt. Two kids raised the same way by the same parents and he did the bad stuff and I was the "good kid".

I dont know if any of that helps, my point was that we were always taught that alcohol is dangerous in many ways and it is an addictive drug. I listened and my brother didn't so no matter what you say or how many times you say it....its up the the teenager to take your info and make the right choices.