telling my mom and other bad stuff

beckamouse wrote: i didn't tell my mom yet but i did find a way to do it. i'm better at writing stuff than actually saying it. what i write is what i mean and what i say usually comes out incredibly wrong and just causes problems.

so i'm going to be weird and send her a mothers day card for grandmothers with a letter inside telling her why the card doesn't seem right. its the best way i can do it. if i were to actually tell her face to face or phone to phone or whatever, i'd be unable to get through it without breaking down crying at her yelling at me. i do not want to be interrupted i just want to be able to get it out and all.

other bad stuff, i recently lost my job at TGI- Fridays due to my pregnancy which is illegal to do so i may just need to sue the company for it. I was also denied medicall assistance for the pregnancy and do not know what to do about it now. Financially my BF/Soon to be DH and I are sorta screwed. I think i may just tell him to go back into the army, do what he was doing before so he had the housing allowance on top of his regular pay and we should up the date of our wedding by a whole lot *IE Justice of the Peace. Not a fan of huge weddings anyway* so that i have army medical coverage for this. What do you think? Is that crazy talk?


*whimper and tear* i dunno what to do. There is no chance in hell that i am giving up my baby *he better not bring that option up again or i'll ....* i'm not even supposed to be able to have kids but here i am three months preggo and now terrified about the whole money situation.


what do i do?

please keep in mind everyone i love my BF and am not marrying him for the baby but because he is where my heart belongs and i love him completely and unconditionally

mummy2girls replied: Oh Dear! I am so sorry! That is illegal for the company to let u go because of your pregnancy..you should complain to someone about it!

I went through alot of scared feelings and such when i was pregnant with jenna. My sister trying to make me believe i am not fiancially stable enough to do it. My ex saying one thing and then it ending up being something else. I was really scared but I did not for any reason want to give up my baby. And you know what im glad i didnt!

I want to send you some hugs ((((HUGS)))) ....

Elle replied: OK, dear, let's go step by step:

1) About your mom, it's alright, you should tell her things in the way that works better for you. If that's writing, then do it. After she reads the letter you two will be able to discuss the subject face to face or on the phone.

2) TGI Friday's has no right to fire you just because you're pregnant. Find yourself a good lawyer and sue the company. You can't let them step on you.

3) If you feel like marrying your boyfriend and he feels the same, then go ahead. But if things are not as bright and shiny, then I wouldn't recommend it. Now your first concern must be your baby, and you should do whatever you consider the best for her/him.

And last but not least, I want to send you some big hugs and hope everything starts going up again.

kit_kats_mom replied: awww honey. I wish I could just give you a big hug.
I'm guessing that your mom may be a bit upset at first but after she's had time to warm up to the idea of being a grandmother, she will probably change her tune. I have to write things down too and I think that's a great idea. Good luck

A&A'smommy replied: (((BIG HUGS))) I don't really have any advice, but I'm the sam way I say what needs to be said better in writing! Whenever I need to tell my dh something important I email him and that ALWAYS helps. I'm glad your not giving up your baby it's the *right* decision, IMO anyway. Make sure you KNOW your not marrying him because your pg you don't want your marriage to be built on that, I was the same way though I want EVERYONE to know that I didn't marry my husband because I was pg! ((((BIG HUGS)))) I hope that everything comes out alright!

Jamison'smama replied: Sending some BIG HUGS to you You do what is right for you and find support where you can.

aspenblue1 replied: Sending lots of hugs. I think writing a letter is a good idea. As far as Fridays I would probably talk to an attorney about that. I hope everything works out.

jem0622 replied: You should sue TGI Fridays. That is against the law and it is discrimination.

I think you should tell your Mom when you are ready (i.e. when you start to show). I like the idea of just sending a card if you feel that a discussion would get out of hand. You know your limits and you know hers. But I have to say that when I got pregnant with my daughter (17 when I got pregnant, 18 when I had her) my parents took VERY GOOD care of me. I was blessed. They could have kicked me out but they didn't.

I do think that you should not rush into marriage. I know that you say that it isn't because of the baby...but would you be scrambling to marry if you WEREN'T pregnant? If the answer is no then don't do it yet. Wait until the time is right. You'll know when it's right and not feel like it is necessary or to appease someone biased like a parent and you feel you have to do it to please them and the stigma of society that every child born into this world is damned if they don't have married parents.

As far as what your SO should do regarding employment...if the military is what will bring stability not only to his life but to the life of his child then I would encourage it. If other employment is unpredictable and wouldn't provide him with the means to give health benefits to himself and his family and offer steady income then go for it. Even if that means he is apart from you. Because it is for the greater good of the child.

If your SO was completely uninvolved and you really were at a loss financially and had rather serious issues with the SO (abuse, negligence, etc) then that is the only time I would consider adoption. Choosing adoption was not easy for me. But at 18 w/ an ex who was a recovering alcoholic, was abandoned by his mother, was lying about his age to work FT to support him and his Dad, and was a HS dropout...I felt my unborn child's best option was to be in a stable loving environment.

HUGS
Julie

beckamouse replied: we have always planned on getting married. we even discussed it last night and we figured a small justice-of-the-peace deal for now just so the baby and i have benefits is actually a really good idea.
i had planned on moving in with him in june and we were going to get married in november. the babys arrival made us change that to july because there would be no way in all thats holy that i would feel up to walking down an aisle less than a month after having my baby.
then the crap with fridays (i'm never eating there again thats for certain atleast not that spesific one)

he took it as a sign that god wants us to be together so that he can take care of me and the baby so (and i didn't even bring up the whole marrriage/back in the army thing he said it himself which was very very interesting.)

he passionatly hated his job at the army despite the amount of money he was getting but the way he sees it, if it will make things easier for the baby and the two of us he's willing to go through hell and high water.

i asked him if his reson for doing this was because of the baby, he said no its just making it easier to be desperate to start a new life with me, something he's been trying to do but he didn't want me to feel rushed.

coasterqueen replied: Awww, ((HUGS)) to you. Sounds like a very tough situation and you both are trying to make the best of it. Unfortunately sometimes we have to do things we don't want to do, but are the best for us.

I would definately sue TGI Friday's. I really hate that place, lol. I truly do
As far as insurance coverage, I'm not sure where you live, but there are state assistance programs for mothers and children in need of insurance. I'm not talking about WIC or something like that. It's a state funded insurance program for children and most times will cover the mother as well. Our state offers one, it's called KidCare. I would really check into it. You would just call your state Department of Insurance.

I'm not sure what to say about getting married sooner. I think that totally has to be your decision, but if you are doing it for insurance reasons, you may look at the above I mentioned first. That way maybe your boyfriend doesn't have to go in to the army if he doesn't want to.

As far as you mother, I think if writing her a letter is better then do that.

((HUGS)) and I hope everything works out in the end. I'm sure it will

jen replied: Sorry you are going through all of this sweetie. Look at the big picture. You WILL be financially stable with a great guy as your finacee sounds and you WILL have a beautiful family and baby eventually. That is all you need to know. Don't sweat the small stuff it isn't good for you or your baby. As for you mom, this is your life, and your decisions and I think in the long run she will be supportive and happy for you.

Best of Luck, we are all here for you!

Lily replied: First, you should not have been fired for being pregnant. That's totally illegal. Second, you do NOT have to have your bf go back in the Army for you guys to make it. Please listen to me on this one. My dh was in the Army and hated it! It's impossible for most to balance Army and family and most times the family ends up losing. We almost got divorced. He was not the same person that I married by the time it was time for him to get out. It has taken almost 3 whole years for his personality to come back to normal. He will resent you if you force him into going back in. As far as insurance, if you aren't working you should be recieving unemployment since TGIF fired you. Also, since you were fired and have no income you should be able to qualify for state run insurance. Go check it out. There's no shame in getting it when you really need it. And you really need it! Please take care and remember that money isn't everything. It's better for you guys to be happy with each other than for him to go into the Army when he doesn't want to and start hating each other. I'm really not trying to tell you what to do but I've been there. I know what happens. It's not pretty.

kimberley replied: i am sorry you are having such a rough time. i think the way you plan to tell your mother is probably the best way. leave the ball in her court and if she chooses to be ugly about it, then it is her loss and you don't have to deal with it.

as for marriage, if you love him and plan to marry him anyway, i don't see anything wrong with pushing up the date so you don't have to put yourself in debt to have a baby. if it feels right to you, go for it!

and about TGI-Fridays, i am not sure how much you can do about that. i don't know how things are in the US, but in Canada, it is also discrimination to fire someone solely on the basis of pregnancy BUT you cannot sue because the establishment can give 50 other reasons why you shouldn't work there. this happened to me with 2 of my pg and i looked into suing the first time. in my case, i was a bartender. in their eyes, i couldn't perform my duties so they let me go because i couldn't pull my beer cases and kegs. i thought it was totally unfair because the kitchen guys did it willingly but i had no legal recourse. it is a hard case to win but if you try, i wish you lots of luck.

many (((hugs)))) sweetie!

beckamouse replied: i think as soon as i write the letter i will post it here to see if anyone has any suggestions as to how i should say certain things. i have a tendency to let my additude shine through with the letters i write and obviously this is not the time for it.


would that be okay?

jen replied: sure! I think we can help you with that!

beckamouse replied: i do have a desire to put on afew bible verses about forgiveness and such because thats something she has a hard time doing but i don't want to seem like i'm doing it to be a total (w)itch. no ammount of "it's hormones" will get me out of that one.

thats something i do not understand about her. she's huge on church and doing what the Bible says but if someone offends her in any way they remain unforgiven for such a long time...practically forever half the time. she's say you're forgiven for whatever but in an argument its the first theing she'll bring up, whatever terrible or offensive or sinful thing she can think of, like its her weapon against you even though you're "forgiven".

so...yeah and ish...i think my brain just turned into half done jello....*shudder* ew...bad thing to say when "preggo sickness" is acting up.

amynicole21 replied: Can I make one suggestion before you start writing the letter? Just my but try very hard not to come off as defensive. Having that kind of tone seems to actually suggest that you deserve whatever anger your mom might throw your way. Be confidant and straight-forward. You want her to see how you have considered all of the angles and come to a rational decision about how you want your life to be. You are a grown-up, and deserve to be treated like one. Good luck!!!

Elle replied:
I agree with Amy.

And sure, if you believe we can be any help, then post the letter here. I'll be happy to help you in anything I can.

A&A'smommy replied:
I also agree with Amy! Good Luck sweetie! ((((BIG HUGS)))

beckamouse replied: here's what i have so far in the letter.

"Hi mom,

You will probably deem this as the worlds worst mothers day gift but thats your perogative. I understand that after reading this you will be hurt, mad at me, dissapointed in me and furious at matthew and again, thats your choice. As you read this please keep in mind that i love you dearly with all my heart and am incredibly thankful for everything you have done for me even though i acted like an atrocious brat most of the time.

I hope someday we can talk and work things out because right now i need a moms advice on different things but i leave the ball in your court.

here goes..

As of today I am a little over three months pregnant. Please do not think that Matthew will turn into another Fran and dissapear because he is different. He is taking responsibility for his actions as I am mine. He and i always planned on getting married and having children just one night of not doing the right thing which you know i've been trying to do and here i sit, 15 pounds heavier, staring at my slowly growing stomach. Its a bit of a weird feeling not quite being able to see my feet because of my stomach and chest being in the way.

Off topic. Sorry. You know me, always trying to make a joke when the situation is uncomfortable and trust me this is near impossible for me to say or get through without wanting to cry.

Anyway, back to the baby. The baby is due in october and Matthew and I plan on being married before then. A small justice of the peace deal so that for now i will have the benefits needed to help with medical bills. I am not sure when this will be but like i said, hopefully soon. As soon as the baby is here and we get settled with that new spark of life, we plan on having a bigger wedding for our families and friends which i hope you can be there for.

I am sorry to have hurt you. I hope you are not mad at me forever and I also pray that you will forgive me and not disown me like you said you would do.

Do not blame dad or debbie for this. Its not their fault in any way.

I love you never forget that.

Becky


okay...i hope that has the same effect on her that it did me. i kinda started to tear up a little bit

kit_kats_mom replied: Maybe you should call Dr. Phil...He would probably have something to say about your mom not being a forgiving person. I'm just kidding but that's the first thing that popped into my mind. Sorry, no offense meant.

porksdad replied: hi,

So sorry you are having a tough time at the moment- when things are bad it is so easy to feel isolated and alone..you are not

I really know very little about your situation so can't offer much in the way of constructive help, especially re your mother and the history you two share- however I would like to share something with you...

Some years ago a fellow missionary of mine became pregnant by her boyfriend (her future DH too ) here in the philippines, it was a massive scandal in the church, which is pure philippino and there were lots of hurt, upset and disappointed people. I confessed to my friend that what she had done had made me very angry but that I would stand by her and help and support her and her soon to be husband in anyway I could- such that I stood as Father at her wedding- her parents being in England and unable to travel out, I acted as Pastor for the dedication of her baby and also attended her wedding back in UK.--the anger is way way gone now btw and it was purely selfish as it was about how my job became harder as a result of her actions

About one year on when I was visiting home we met up for lunch and she was simply glowing with joy in her baby, Nathan-would post a pic if I had one he is simply the most delightful four year old you could ever hope for, she told me something then that I will never forget--she said she had taught and preached for years about God's Grace, but in Nathan she truly experienced it for the first time. How God can take any situation, however much we mess it up, and produce something wonderful and beautiful from it. how whatever we do he loves and forgives us..(apologies to non-believers for being a little preachy comes over me at times )

My point? LOL- often accused of being slow to get there lol

I read alot of apology in your letter to your mother, alot of self- criticism and even guilt...maybe your mother will feel some of the things you have ascribed to her, but maybe not....

more importantly I would say is to look at how you feel about the whole event yourself don't let your mothers potential negativity affect you...

YOU ARE PREGNANT!!!

YOU ARE HAVING A BABY

REJOICE IN IT

oops getting carried away lol...

seriously though take joy in the blessings you have, you are bringing a new life into the world- a beautiful, precious, helpless baby that is put into your care to raise and nurture and love, can there be anything better?? Your soon to be DH is there for you, thats YOUR family, tend it, love it and take comfort from it and in it....

you have nothing to apologise for or to be ashamed of, this precious life would not have happened if it had not happened at that moment..take heart and look squarely in the mirror and don't feel you have to apologise at a time when you should be rejoicing

PS: as to TGI Fridays--Nail them!!!!!

PPS: As an ex-military man myself would warn that military life does not work so well with family life so be careful about your DH taking it up for the sake of the family

PPS: Congrats on your three months- will pray all goes well to term and your child is healthy, have no doubt he/she will have a mother who loves her/him

Lily replied:
Just wanted to bump this up because this is exactly the point I was trying to make. It's not in anyway a fairytale. It can work but it's very hard and 9 times out of 10 the family suffers if joining the Army isn't really what the person wants to do.

jen replied: I think your letter is good. But I agree with Porksdad 100%, he couldn't have said it better. It was like it was coming out of my own head!

I think you should take all the guilt, apologies, negativeness and blame out of your letter completely. I think partly maybe the reason you tear up is because you realize the struggles you have been through with your mother. I think that this announcement should be made happy, to the point and no one should have to apologize for it.

I think your letter has a lot of fear and guilt in it, but it is good, don't get me wrong.

Just my opinion to maybe say Hey Mom, I love you. Happy Mother's Day and Happy Grandmother's Day because I am pregnant, happy and In total bliss love with my fiancee. I believe in God's grace and I am blessed and ready to move on with my life and I want you to be as happy for me as I am.

PERIOD end of sentence.

I think you are opening up a door for an argument with your letter, you are giving her a chance to "counsel" you. you don't want that!!! I can tell from your previous posts! I would shorten it up a bit and tell it like it is! Write about how happy you are and how bright your future is. Don't tell her what she thinks and that she has any right to think that!

Sorry this is so long! I wish the total best for you. I hope everything goes great!

Elle replied: I agree 100% with porksdad, and also with Jen.

amynicole21 replied:

I agree with Jen. I think that comments like "I understand that after reading this you will be hurt, mad at me, dissapointed in me and furious at matthew and again, thats your choice" is giving her permission to feel disappointment towards the situation. Like Dr. Phil would say ( ), You teach people how to treat you. Don't tell your mother how she should feel about the news, tell her how it makes you feel and that you hope she can share in your happiness. I like how Jen worded the news a lot.

I hope I'm not overstepping my boundries with my "critique."

beckamouse replied: i think writing out what i want to say was a good idea. now my head is a little clearer and ready to try again. i'm going to keep it short, sweet and say

Mom,
I thought you ought to know that I am three months pregnant. I'm actually kind of excited about it. I have a great guy who is standing by me 1,000,000 percent and who is taking care of me and we plan on being married soon. I hope you will be a part of our lives and the babys lives.

Love,
Becka


i think i like that second bit better.

and now that i think about it, i don't think i care that she'll be dissapointed. or rather i'm not going to let it bother me as much as it has been. being pregnant is probably the most exciting thing i have ever done. i have never felt better about myself.

A&A'smommy replied: I like that short and sweet! (((BIG HUGS))))

jen replied: PERFECT!!!! It gets my vote!!! Keep us updated!!!! and STAY STRONG sweetie, you haven't done anything wrong! Move on with your life and make it wonderful and those around you will become infected with your happiness

A&A'smommy replied:
I second that there is nothing wrong with creating another human being its soooo wonderful!

aspenblue1 replied: I like the short and sweet one better also. sounds great!

beckamouse replied: *sigh* i feel much much better now i think i'll e-mail it to her later in the week

OH!! and good news. Matt and I have decided to tell his parents on easter together with his entire family there and he said he had something special for me that i've been wanting for a while....then he started humming the wedding march so....

jen replied: That is so great! I am so happy for you!!!!!

A&A'smommy replied:
uh oh thats soo kewl! good luck!

Elle replied: The short one gets my vote, Becka! It's really good
Good luck with EVERYTHING

beckamouse replied: have i mentioned yet how much i love everyone here? *BIIIIIIIIIIG HUUUUUUUUUG*

Elle replied:
It doesn't hurt to hear it

Please keep us updated of anything new that happens...

porksdad replied: ALL so very Cool

Advance congrats to you and matt (hum hum humhumhumhumhum hummm humm humhum) )

and congrats in your Joy

Have a GREAT EASTER!!!!!!!

beckamouse replied: it official, by the way. in may he and i are taking a trip to AC and just getting married that way. I don't want a big wedding or anything i don't need one. God already knows exactly how i feel about matt so..


yeah.
pretty cool huh?

amynicole21 replied: CONGRATULATIONS!!!

Kaitlin'smom replied: I am late in responding but the short and to the point letter is much better, I did not like the way the other one read at all, was way to negitive in a happy sisuitation. Its much better totell her your feelings and not telling her how she would feel. I hope things work out for the best and you are happy, with or without your mom in your life. I know its hard when it a parent or even when a sibling is acting like a complete jerk, eventually ther will come around and babys seem to help in that. Best of luck and tons of hugs. Stay strong!

A&A'smommy replied:
Congratulations!!! THAT is SOOO wonderful! (((BIG HUGS))) BTW have ya'll decided when in may my dh in I will be married for a year the 10th. Good Luck!

Lily replied:
That's really cool! Congrats! My dh and I got married by the Justice of the Peace and although if I'd had a choice I would have wanted a big wedding, it was still perfect because all my family was there and most importantly I got to marry the love of my life. I wish you all the best the world has to offer!

Elle replied: Congratulations!!! How exciting!!!