parenting books - Does DH read them?

amynicole21 wrote: Sometimes it really annoys me that DH doesn't do any parenting research online or by reading books. I am working really hard at getting Sophia to sleep through the night, and I've asked him to read NCSS so that we are all on the same page. He looked at me like I was asking him to clean the gutters. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad if he actually listened to the research I tell him about, but it goes in one ear and out the other. He does things the way he always has.

I know I need to let him parent the way that he is comfortable with, but it is so difficult to try and get something done when someone else is undermining your efforts out of ignorance and plain laziness. AAAAAARGH!!!

Kirstenmumof3 replied: Amy it does get easier with them the more children you have. My DH wouldn't participate in any parenting with our first DD. In fact he was never home. I was left to deal with a colicy baby that cried for 6mths. But now we have gone to 2 sessions of parenting classes. Is there anything available where you are? Of course you would have to make sure that they are age appropriate. I would suggest rather than making him read a book and telling him that he has to do something sit down with him and ask his advice. I think he may just be feeling inadequate as a parent.

ediep replied: no, my DH does not read any parenting books. Actually, he just asks me what he should do. Its pretty frustrating, because I don't always know what Jason wants. I sometimes try to summerize what the books say, but lately he has been so busy,, he doesn't even have time for that

jem0622 replied: My DH didn't read anything that lacked humor when it came to parenting. But now that we have both boys and DC was too expensive...he is home with them while I WOH.

The first is always hard b/c you want to do things a certain way as a Mom and Dad doesn't always get it or find it important. It takes time.

Julie

juliajaj replied: I'd say that I'm the one that reads most of the child development literature, but DH has read Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child (and quotes it frequently). We were trying to establish a sleep schedule for Olivia since I returned back to work when Olivia was 3 months old. When she was 6 weeks old, I checked this book out from the library. I made a comment that I was reading it, and it had helpful information about looking for the signs that baby is ready for sleep. I ended up buying it, and he picked it up one day & continued reading it each night. It's still on his nightstand. I haven't told him to read anything. I usually mention to him what child development literature I'm reading, so sometimes he reads it too.

DansMom replied: DH is the opposite. He takes care of DS during the day and reads the books. His favorite is a book called "Wonder Weeks" that talks about the leaps forward they make at different ages and how they are preceded by fussy, clingy periods. He's always gently encouraging me to parent in a certain way based on what he's read, and also is more patient with Daniel in general! Not that I'm impatient, not at all. But DH was definitely worried about doing it right, since his own father did not give him the support and warmth he needed growing up. I was very territorial about this at first. I wanted to be the expert and I wanted DH to just follow my lead. But heck, he's the one who is doing the primary care on weekdays. He's bound to become an expert in his own right.

I do more reading on the sleep issues, though, since it affects me more. I'm the one getting up and nursing overnight. We tend to share what we've read with each other---on those rare occasions when we get time and space to talk!!!

coasterqueen replied: Yep, I have a DH like that It drives me batty that I try and research things so I am very educated on certain things and he just stands there going "HUH". Grrrrr. DH will always say "you can read them for the both of us". Yeah, sure, then when I tell him what the books say he says "na, I don't believe that". Grrrr. MEN! LOL.

MommyToAshley replied: TLCDad reads everything I do and more. I leave the Parenting Mags in the "reading room" (LOL) and he reads them. He also reads any of the books I have. And, he does a lot of research online whenever there is an issue. Maybe it's because we both work from home and share the responsibility of Ashley equally. Depending on who has more of a workload, sometimes I watch her more and sometimes he watches her more.

But, even before she was born, he read everything he could about pregnancy, development of the baby, and taking care of a newborn.

He's been a really great and informed Dad, but that doesn't mean that we always agree. He thinks I spoil her too much sometimes.

Maddie&EthansMom replied: My DH isn't into reading too much. He will listen if I give him some info on something, but won't actually read anything. We never had parenting books. We didn't have problems with Maddie as far as getting her to sleep, eat, wean, etc. She was pretty good. (until now) LOL! I am reading some books now on the strong willed child, etc. What frustrates me is DH not sharing the responsiblity of discipline. It makes it really hard when he lets her get by with things that I have already punished her for. Since I have been pg and I have been extremely ill with this baby he has really done a lot of research on line during the day about morning sickness, etc. He has really been considerate of my feelings, too. But, as far as knowing what week I am in...forget it. There are just some things he doesn't want to keep track of.

It really works for us if I am the one to be in the know about where Maddie should be and what she should be learning, doing, etc. And I am also the one to discipline and MOST of the time he backs me up (unless he feels I am being ridiculous just b/c I am tired) But, I am with her a lot more and he trusts me to be the one in control of her. He is terrific with her when he is alone with her which must mean that he is paying more attention than I thought.

Amy~could it be that you are just getting anxious about leaving Sophia with DH when you travel? I bet he will surprise you and do wonderfully. Try not to worry. Men are great when they HAVE to be in control. They just don't like to show us what they know b/c then they think they will have to do it ALL the time! LOL!

jcc64 replied: Amy,
I'm convinced from reading this post and others from you that we are actually married to the same man. Our kids were born on the same day...

amynicole21 replied:

You crack me up

I am still a bit worried about leaving Sophia with DH in 3 weeks (yikes )... but I think that there are a lot of other factors.

For instance, for the past 2 nights I have been working very hard to not nurse Sophia during the night. It has been a bit tiring, but it's going better than expected. Last night, DH decided he was going to try to get her back to sleep since I had already been up with her twice. Instead of singing to her and walking her around the house, he just heated up a bottle of milk. Now, this is exactly the opposite of what I was trying to accomplish. I don't want to substitute one need for another... She did sleep for a good 3 hour stretch after that, but that's besides the point Earlier, I had explained to him that she's not hungry when she wakes up, she just needs comforting. I had asked him to read all about it in my numerous books on the subject, but of course he didn't do that. I doubt he really messed anything up with giving her a bottle... she can't be dependant upon it from one feeding, but it was just that he doesn't see the big picture.

(sigh) Maybe all of the ideas in the books are garbage and we should just follow our instincts, but I at least would like us to be in agreement on how to handle things. I think he's become complacent because I have been the one doing all of the research and getting info from you guys I think I created this monster, and now I'm suffering the consequences.

Maddie&EthansMom replied: Amy~ I truly think you are doing a wonderful job with Sophia. There is only so much you can get from a parenting book. They have great suggestions if nothing else is working, but you still have to do what works for you. I do understand your frustration, I get frustrated a lot with my DH b/c he does the same things as your DH...substitutes. He just doesn't do things the way I think they should be done even if it is getting the job done faster. I want his help, but I want him to do it my way and see it my way b/c I deal with her more and I am the one to clean up the mess when it goes haywire. He gives her everything she wants so now she throws a fit with me when she doesn't get her way. And she is TERRIBLE when DH is home. She acts just horrible. We can't go anywhere or even talk b/c she throws such fits. So, I understand your need for the two of you to work together on this. I hope things get better and little Sophia starts sleeping for you. This is just a really hard age and sometimes we just need a little help. A lot of men want the easy way out b/c they don't see that the easy way out creates havoc down the road. There is just so much to think about when raising a child. Of course you want to do things the right way. I know it gets easier at times, but then there will always be certain days when you feel as though you aren't doing anything right. They are all phases and each phase holds a new challenge.

jcc64 replied: Amy, I went to a link that Schnoogly posted awhile back
http://www.drjaygordon.com/ap/sleep.htm
this guy had some really encouraging things to say on the subject of night weaning, did you check it out yet? I really think you should ease up on yourself. I also think you should ask yourself if you would feel so strongly about night weaning if you were not going on a business trip. I think I shared with you my experience with a business trip. Dh did fine, much better tahn I would have given him credit for. She cried a little one night, but trust me, she's not gonna wind up in therapy over it. When I returned, we picked up right where we left off. Of course, if you want to wean b/c it's driving you nuts, that's a different story. If I was going to night wean, I'd definitely follow Jay Gordon's plan. Makes the most sense to me. Whatever you end up doing, Sophia knows she's loved and cared for, and will undoubtedly wind up a very happy, secure little girl, regardless of how and when she weans.

MomofTay&Sam replied: My DH is very very involved, he has been reading since the test was postive. With this being my second I didnt read alot. We disagree on just a few things but other than that he is up to date on everything out there and we do discuss everything. He takes complete control over things I find difficult and we share the responsiblities that way. I am very lucky....

dolfinrse replied: DH has always read my pregnancy and pareting books. I leave them in the "reading room" also, and he reads them before I even can get to them. After he reads the book or magazine, he will ask me "Did you read in your magazine, ........" He doesn't even give me time to read it myself. Even when I was pg he read "What to Expect when you are Expecting" and the magazines or books in the doctor's office.

He is a very involved dad and we try and learn everything together.