overprotective?? - how much is too much?

luvbug00 wrote: My mom told me yesterday that I am too overprotective. IMHO there is no such thing as being to protective of one's child. Here are the senarios of which she derived this from.

* Mya was at her friends house ( same age ) and their mom let them play outside alone. I freaked she's not alowed to play alone there anymore.

* Mya wanted to play in the backyard alone ( one level below the main level) and I said NO!

* Mya goes Ice skating with a friend and grandma leaves her to skate alone and watches from the side of the rink. ( she could get trampled! skating is big arround here and there were alot of people there!)

* Mya must hold a hand while we are at the mall. I'm petrified somone will snach her. Brad and I go into hyperventaliation if she goes missing for one secound.
(we really do, Brad is worse then me by far though)

* she is not allowed to play outside alone
* not allowed to leave the room she is in with me unless I have locked all the house doors and checked the windows.

I've looked online and found 4 preditors that live near to us and to make it worse we are litterly right across the street from a school and there are strangers arround all the time in the neighborhood walking to their cars and stuff.
In conclusion am I taking this too far? Because i don't want to deprive her of childhood but it's not the blissfully unaware '40s anymore.

akelly replied: Those all sound like reasonable precautions to me.

TANNER'S MOM replied: Well I think for a first time mother that it is reasonable. First time meaning..the more you have the more laxed you are. I know that sounds awful but very true. And for where you live also has a big deal to do w/ it.

I live in a town of less than 200 people.. you can't even see my nearest neighbors house.. so I say go play.. Get out of the house. Don't come in until your wore out. But that is because of where I live.

When I go to town..to a friends house etc. They will tell Tanner to go play outside... I say oh no.. get in here. You dont know where you are, you don't know this neighborhood..NO..

My kids father lives in town..and he lets them run the neighborhood..which kills me. It really does.

Now the mall.. I totally am with you. I want my kids to be within eye sight or touch at all times. My daughters have cell phones and they better answer on the first ring.. or I will call 911..they are too pretty and scares me too!

BAC'sMom replied: Sounds reasonable to me! And I am a mother of three. I get told all the time that I am over-protective but that's my job. If I don't protect them who will?
Your doing a fine job!

C&K*s Mommie replied: Because of the age of our girls, and the fact that people zoom up and down our street all the time, I could not let them play outside alone. Even in our backyard, I am not comfortable with that. There are overgrown thickets behind our fence on the county property side, and I am afraid something may come and bite them. BUT there are neighborhood kids that play outside all the time, alone. The difference is they are a little older. The youngest is maybe 7 or 8, he plays in his own yard by himself. Or with other neighborhood kids.

I am with you everywhere else in protection. Times have changed, anyone can see that.

The only area I differ, is letting our girls play in different rooms as I am in. I have no prob with that at all. They have free roam of the house, with the exception of playing in the water in the bathroom sink. Much too messy.

MyLuvBugs replied: Hmmmmm....I'm going to say it does sound a little overprotective to me. I can understand holding hands in the mall b/c Malls are places where it's easy to loose a kid. And I can understand not allowing her to play outside unsupervised. However, do you really expect your Grandmother to strap on skates and go out on the ice just to break a hip? I think so, long as she's watching Mya from the edge, it's fine. If Mya falls down, that's fine too. Kids do that.

Also, telling her that she can't leave the room that your in when your in your own home? That's a bit much. JMO. Mya is almost 6 and is able to understand rules. If you just say, you are not allowed to leave the house via door or window without an adult, she should understand that. And make sure that you lock the front door, whenever you enter or exit the house. Then you don't have to worry so much. But it's your own home. Let her have some freedom to explore.

And if you're terrified about strangers and preditors, teach her about stranger danger and what to do if a stranger approaches her. Kids that age are SOOOO smart. She'll catch on quick. Give her a really loud whistle to carry around with her, but teach her that she can only use it if she's scared or in danger.

I guess I just feel that kids need some freedom to grow, and that parents can smuther them if not careful. My mom was like that with me for awhile. But my dad was the lax one. You just have to realized that kids are going to get in trouble, and get bruises, and fall down, and get dirty, and that you can't always be there. But you can be there to guide them, love them, and help them when they need it. Make sense?

C&K*s Mommie replied: forgot to add that about the ice skating thing. ITA!

MamaJAM replied: I agree -- you can not be 'over protective' of your children in the world today.

The same thing happened when DD#1 was 6 years old -- she went to play at a friend's house and I found out later that the mother let the girls play outside, alone. (They had a not-fenced in yard....with an alley at the end of their yard and a semi-busy road to the sida of the yard.) I never allowed my child to play at that house again...though her friend was ALWAYS welcome at our home.

All your other points -- I agree...it's better to err on the cautious side.

To this day - NONE of our kids are allowed to play outside alone...not even our 13 year old. I won't give the details...but when DD#1 was 10 years old - she was nearly snatched out of our yard (it was the first time we tried to alloow her to play outside with just the dog). I'm thankful that the dog went as nutty as she did because DD#1 was not going to be able to make it to the door -- but she did make it to the dog. After that -- we will not allow any of the kids out alone....EVER.

MamaJAM replied:
I'm sorry -- I just don't think that being extra-cautious with your children is a 'first time mother' thing. I have 5 kids and I am not the slightest bit more 'lax' with anything #5 does than I was with #1.

Possibly where you live plays a part...but I really don't think the number of kids you have is an influence. JMO

luvmykids replied: I'm a little tiny bit more relaxed than you, but only because like Mel we used to live in the country and there was no trouble for them to get in (other than regular falling down getting dirty type trouble) and no one around to take off with them. Now that we're in the city again I have to remind myself that we're in a totally different atmosphere.

There are some places I won't take them when I'm by myself because I simply don't feel I alone can keep a good enough eye on them.

luvbug00 replied: .

Thank you for adding to my paranoia!

Seriously though. My parents house ( where we are living) is a single family home but there are ALOT of ways for a person to enter the house. we have been robbed before and that's why I'm scared about that one. SO if the doors and windows are locked she can roam anywhere she wants in the house. Thanks for your opinions I have much to think about on this topic.

gr33n3y3z replied:
That is so true

fashionmumofboys replied: I think a big part of it, is the place where you live, that can play a big role in this.

MamaJAM replied:
Sorry about that.

Just when people call me 'over protective' - I just think back to that day and realize why I don't think you can be 'over protective' with your kids.

CantWait replied: IMHO I think you're being a little overprotective. At six years old my son was allowed to go to a park with friends alone without me, but as long as he was with a couple friends. He wasn't allowed to go alone. He also had to check in with me every half hour to an hour, and had to be inside the house before the street lights went on.

I think it wouldn't hurt her at all if she was allowed to play in her backyard alone, unfortunetly we can't always be there with them with everything in life that we have to do, she still needs to be a kid, and that's why we teach them about strangers, and good and bad touching etc.

The iceskating thing is totally unrealistic, it sounds as if you're trying to protect her from every getting hurt, and we just can't do that. You have to realize that accidents are going to happen. If she goes swimming with a friend, are you going to expect the parent to be in the water with her, on the monkey bars at the park etc....

I can certainly understand holding her hand at the mall, sometimes depending on which mall we go to etc. I still expect my 10 year old to stay right beside me.

redchief replied: I think a lot of today's parents are somewhat overprotective. A few are even bordering on the psychotic. That's just my opinion, though.

It seems to me you've some reservations regarding your reactions to things, but there isn't really enough information there for me to determine whether your reactions were reasonable or not. I know what my definition of "alone" is, but it may be different from yours.

For instance: During the outside play alone incidents (not at your mom's... I agree with you on that one); what physical barriers were in place to keep the kids in the back yard, and keep unwanted persons out. Ex. was it a fenced in yard? Was there a large buffer area between friend's home and public places? I think you may have been a little over-paranoid in that case because Mya wasn't really alone, unless the area is a dangerous one.

If friend's mom was able to monitor the children's play in the backyard, the backyard was safe, and neither kid had a propensity to walk off, then I'd say I'd be okay with that.

At the skating rink, if I'm reading it right, I believe you were over-protective. Yes, a lot of people may have been out there, but grandmom was monitoring her and she was not on the rink by herself. That doesn't fit my definition of "alone" and IMO, was a paranoid reaction.

I don't know what kind of neighborhood you live in, but it seems to me, if you live across the street from a school, that it would be a fairly safe area, especially in the daytime. What is the crime rate like in your area? In a crime ridden area I definitely think people need to lock doors and windows at all times. But if it's a decently safe area, I think that's a little paranoid.

There are Megan's Law predators all over the country. I think the earlier we teach our kids about how these people lure children into their grasp, the safer they'll be. Worse than the people you'll find on the internet are the predators that are out there who haven't been caught. The truth is, though, try as hard as you want, you can't always have Mya at your fingertips, and I don't think any parent really wants that for their kids. We want them to learn to be independent, logical thinking, fun-loving kids. That, of course, has to be balanced with protection while they are young, teaching at all ages, and a willingness on our parts to let them become who they will. The real questions you have to ask yourself is this, "Am I protecting my child when not necessary?" And, "Am I giving my child the tools he/she needs to make good social decisions and the ability to defend himself?"

kimberley replied: my boys are 9 and almost 8 and are not allowed in the front alone. i do have a completely fenced in yard so they can play back there TOGETHER but only because i can see them out the window and only for a short time. there are too many freaks not to!
with skating, it is not just being trampled, it's the crowds i worry about. you look away to tie your shoe and suddenly your kid is gone. no way would i allow that either.
i don't think there is such a thing as over-cautious in this day and age. it's not like it was when we were kids are our parents were young... we need to be aware of the growing number of predators all around us and keep our kids safe! with that, i also teach them what to do if someone does approach them and ways to escape if the need arose.

and i agree it has NOTHING to do with being a first time mom to me. i am equally protective of all my kids and actually more so now because my youngest are girls!

redchief replied:
I disagree with this statement on two fronts.

1. There seems to be this belief that we grew up in some sort of Shangri-La where there were no "bad people." On the contrary; there WERE bad people and we were grossly unequipped to handle them. I know this from personal experience.

2. As bad as our parents were at preparing us by saying and doing nothing to reign in our independence, there are new parents causing just as much damage by saying and doing too much and ill-equipping our children to handle themselves.

My point is, we need to balance protecting our children with teaching themselves how to handle things. Independence should be slowly integrated into their lives as they grow through their teen years. At John's college, there are kids dropping out like flies because these kids have never been away from mommy and daddy and found a whole world out there they can be irresponsible in. The never LEARNED how to be independent AND make good choices. Their parents did it for them.

kimberley replied: well i guess i just disagree with you because i live in the same area i grew up in as a child and the prevelance of sexual predators and violence has grossly increased here since the early 80s. i do educate my kids on the dangers of the real world and how to deal with them but that is just not enough imo. i will take whatever measures necessary to keep my kids safe... if that means no skating alone, so be it. it is not just personal opinion, it is also a child welfare issue. my boys are 9 and nearly 8yo and i was told by my annoying worker that they may not walk to school alone and may not be left unattended in the house. they consider that endangerment. i also don't believe i need to put my kids in harms way just to prove they can be independant.

i really think there is a big diffence between being protective and coddling a child. my boys are very independent and i don't think they would have any problems adjusting to college at all and i am protective. they know how to deal with a lot on their own and i feel that is because of my guidance.

redchief replied:
Perhaps our disagreement isn't so much based upon actual disagreement as it is on definitions.

Was I being protective coaching to both my boys and Erin all through elementary school? Or was I just the only parent stupid enough to say, "Yeah, sure I'll do that."?

While the second might be easily argued, I also can't argue the fact that I was there next to them when they were out in the world at that age. I never thought of it as being protective... I thought of it as being involved. But perhaps, subconsciously, I felt better knowing I was nearby. Our children weren't allowed to walk or ride the ten blocks to school alone until the fourth grade... the girls; fifth grade. Protective? Yes, probably.

Having coached children all my life I've dealt with coddling parents. They're the ones that won't stand to let their children fail and learn to deal with weaknesses and explore their strengths. They're the parents I'm talking about. Their kids grow up without identity and without a knowledge of self. That's as criminal, IMO, as the parent who lets their child run amuck all over town.

So, maybe it was my definition of "protective" that was misunderstood. One thing I do know... the ratio of predators to the rest of us hasn't changed in most of recorded history. What's changed is our awareness of these pervs, more people on the planet. We're also less tolerant of child predators than we ever were in the past. Families talk about it now, like never before. This is good.

luvmykids replied:
We live one block from an elementary school, which is a little extra sense of security for me, and we also have practically zero crime rate within a 10 mile radius. Some people think that makes us a bigger target but everyone in our neighborhood is highly involved. At any given moment there are at least 3 or 4 sets of kids or moms/kids out and about, on their way to or from school, at the playground, skating, biking, etc. I do pay attention to what adults are with which kids, and other moms do the same. Is it foolproof, no, but I do feel secure enough at the playground to sit down and watch, and I also do let them play in our back yard alone for short periods. My kitchen and den windows all face the yard so I have a great view.

In my first post on this topic I said I was a little, tiny bit more relaxed but I guess I'm even a little more relaxed than that!

luvbug00 replied: I understand all your points, Like Kimberly said it's the fact that at anytime, anywhere anyone can snach her and run off. even at the rink.

the school we live by is also elementry ( Mya's school in fact).

I also have spent my whole life ( since being brought home from guatemala at one.) in this town witch is full or crime now where as a child i could run free.

thank you all for your opinions no matter how differant they may be.

Edward's Mommy replied: My son isn't at that point yet, but I don't see anything wrong with it. Talk about paranoia, when my son was a new born and had a bath and got water in his ears, I used to clean the water out because I was afraid that he would get an ear infection. Now, he sleeps on his tummy....(he gets there on his own) and he sleeps with his face against the mattress, and I'm scared to death that he'll suffocate.

MommyToAshley replied: I have to agree with you on this one. I don't think you are being too overprotective with Mya.

Ed, I may very well be one of the parents you consider psychotic. I don't let Ashley play outside on her own without adult supervision. She must hold my hand at the mall. And, at the skating rink, I would want either myself or DH nearby. Someone could easily snatch a child on a skating rink, and if you are on the othe side of the rink then there is nothing you could do about it. I do let her play in other rooms of the house but I also lock the front and back doors entering the house. I live in a neighborhood that has a reputation for little to no crime and rated #1 in safety for our area. Most of the neighbors are retired or active fire and police. But, I still lock the doors. I also still gate off my kitchen. Paranoid, maybe? But, definitely safe. I don't want to be one of those parents that says "what if I had only...."

I am not sure if we live in a "different world" now or we are just better informed of the things that go on because of our technology today. Regardless of which one it is, we are now empowered with this knowledge and have the obigation as parents to protect our children who don't have the capability to adequately protect themselves.

I understand what some of you are saying. And, I agree with you that this is a diffence in being protective and coddling. Yes, I may be outside while my daughter is playing. But, that doesn't mean that I don't let her play with her peers on her own or make her own mistakes. If she's playing ball and doesn't kick the ball right or throw it right...so what, she's having fun and interacting with her peers. I don't step in... in fact, I think it is kind of cute. But, if it involves something that might be dangerous, then yes I step in. For example, at the park... I am sure the other parents think I am nuts. But there is a part of the jungle gym that is at least two stories high. It has an open space and a pole that kids can slide down. Every time Ashley goes near this area, I stand near the opening and make her walk on the other side of the wall. If she fell out the opening, she could get seriously hurt. It'd be like falling out a second story window. The other parents can call me paranoid, over-protective, or even psychotic... I don't care as long as my daughter is safe.

MommyToAshley replied:
Ashley used to cuddle up next to the bumpers for security, and it used to scare me to death. I know how you feel. Once they pass this stage, there will be something else to worry about. Being a Mom is rough, but so worth it!

My3LilMonkeys replied: I kind of fall middle of the road here. Brooke doesn't have to be in the same room as me in the house and the doors aren't usually locked. But in the mall, Walmart, etc. she is either in a stroller or cart or holding my hand. Though she has started hating it and screams "Let go of me!" so now I'm afraid people think I'm stealing her.

punkeemunkee'smom replied: Please feel free to add me to the list of psychotic parents! I do not in anyway feel that being protective of a childin the world we live in can or should be disparaged. Mya is 6 not 16 and I think that better SAFE than SORRY is a golden rule at this age! We live is a small,safe town but Taylor does NOT play outside alone,she does NOT go to homes where I do not know EVERYONE that she will come in contact with. I CAN keep my child at my finger tips right now AND also equip her with the intelligence and ability to 'fend for herself' when she is old enough to do so.

As far as what Mel said I think some are taking it out of context-she was not saying you don't protect your kids as much when you have more than one. She was saying,as I read it,that you learn,with parenting experience, what is danger and what is not. Not "Well he is the 3rd born so if he vanishes we have more to replace him!"

dizzytizzy replied: I'm also an over protective parent and there is no way in this world I would let my kids to play out the front without supervision. My friends tells me that they have to be allowed their freedom and lets her 6 year old go off and play and I hope nothing happens to him but personally i couldn't do it.

When we go shopping I insist that they are just in front of me so I can quickly grab them they are not allowed to wander off and I very rarely enjoy shopping with the kids because I am always watching their every move. Again my friend just lets her kids wander as they wish I can't do that.

I am often called neurotic and told to let me kids grow up but I worry so much especially when I think how I used to wander when I was only a few years older then my eldest that I can't believe my parents let me but it was different back then.

I really don't think you can be too over protective but I would rather that then something happening to my children.

Angel'smom replied: I have been reading all the messages on this post and I feel better, I am very protective of my daughter, and I believe that it is better to err on the side of caution.

There are a lot of bad people out there and my child's safety and security are my prime responsibility.

mysweetpeasWil&Wes replied:

ITA! Nadia, IMO, who cares what anyone calls you. Mya is YOUR daughter and she's your responsibility. I also agree with punkeemunkeesmom, she's 6 not 16! So do as you wish and as much as you can to keep her safe now, I'm sure it won't be so easy when she's a teen. You would be the one responsible if she got hurt, so why take the risk to make those that disagree or your mom happy?

You're doing fine IMO.

jcc64 replied:


As a fellow coach, I have to agree 100% with Ed. My ds' best friend is such a child, and his parents work so hard to prevent him from ever having to struggle or be disappointed or to stand up on his own that he has very little self esteem. It's too bad, b/c they have the best of intentions, but the only meaningful way to grow is to struggle.
This is sort of a separate issue from being overprotective in the literal sense with young children. I agree that the child is not alone at the ice rink if grandma is sitting on the side watching her. The chances of someone grabbing the child and bolting for the door with no one intervening are really ridiculously small. So small that it's not worth depriving the child the opportunity of some baby steps towards self reliance and independence. What better way to learn than under the watchful eyes of grandma?
And the thing in the house seems way over the top, tbh. If you can't relax in your own house, where can you?? She's not a toddler- she's 6- old enough to follow simple instructions about personal safety. If she can't be trusted out of your sight even for a few minutes in your own home, there's a problem.
I think Ed has more perspective b/c he has older kids. He's shepherded them through the difficult transition from dependent children to independent adults. At some point, you just have to hold your breath and let them go. Not all at once, but it's a lifelong process. Someone on here once recounted a story about a delivery room nurse who told a brand new mom that every moment from that point on was a journey away from you. It's what we should all want for our kids- to be able to do what we want and expect, whether we're there to enforce it or supervise or not. But it starts with these little practice baby steps. One at a time, as the child proves capable of managing the freedom, you loosen the reigns a little more.
I am notoriously overprotective in certain ways. I won't allow my 13 yr old ds to eat anything that requires chewing when he's home alone. My friends abuse me for this. But I'm afraid if he were to choke, who'd do the heimlich? So, it's not like I'm cavalier or careless, but I do recognize that you have to take that leap of faith at some point. To prevent my child from gaining any sense of independence just so I won't have to feel afraid is selfish, imo.