need Advice

Jamison'smama wrote: Here is my love on her first day of school. My question is this...and this may get long. Last year, Jamison made some friends at school but none were in her class, they were playground friends but when the nice weather ends, all recess occurs indoors with your own class. So, by the time the indoor recess came about, Jamison had not connected with the girls in her class and then continuously felt like an outsider during all indoor recess times. Well, I thought this year was different. Jamison connected with a great girl at Vacation Bible School this summer, they saw each other on the first day of school and were thrilled to be in the same class. Well now a week into school and she has ditched her great friends in her class and is once again playing chase on the playground with a wild boy from another class....same boy as last year. I understand that Jamison needs to run at recess and is truly happy doing so, she LOVES recess but she is alienating her friends and they have now ditched her for other friends and so when she goes back to class, no one saves her a seat at circle time etc. She is confused and I can't seem to help her understand that the people you play with on the playground are who your friends are. She just plays differently from the girls in her class, they do more standing and talking and my child has to RUN but she also wants to be their friend. Okay, this may seem simple and I may be overreacting but it is 12:37am here and I am sitting awake, stressed and tearful because I want her to make choices that I think she should make and we are not on the same page. Do I just let her suffer the consequenses of her decisions or is there something you can suggest to help her? She carries my heart with her to school. Can you tell she is my first?

Thanks to those who got through this!

amynicole21 replied: She is so stunningly beautiful, Brenda. I was worried about Sophia as well with the K thing. I think it's hard to kind of set them free to be the people they are, you know? Girls are so catty - I've seen it starting already with Sophia - all the "you're not coming to my birthday party" talk really breaks my heart. Does she connect with any of the boys in her class at all? Maybe you can just encourage her to branch out there - talk to the boys more. I don't know. I really have no answers as you can tell.

mammag replied: That is the hardest part of raising children....worrying about their emotional well being. My concern is always Cade because he is so shy and won't really initiate conversations with anyone until he is comfortable. The beginning of the year is always nerve wracking for me.

Anyway, if you have already talked to her about it, it's probably something she'll have to figure out on her own. Have you brought it up to the teacher at all? She may be able to help make opportunites for her to work together with other girls that have a similar personality or something in common. At this age teachers tend to be just as concerned about their emotions as their academics. I talked to Cade's teacher in Kindergarten and she started pairing him up with another kid who was kind of shy and quiet and they did become friends. Even in preschool, the teacher at the Montessori school would have him ask a specific kid to join him in an activity so he got a little practice initiating.

He is still very shy and where Kristen & Conner are forming a group of friends he is slowly trying to develop a friendship with one but I have just had enough experience now I guess to know it will happen and not put any pressure on him. Sometimes we really do have to just let go and let them be who they are.

An extreme example for you.... When I was in 8th grade my dad asked me "why don't you have a boyfriend yet, your sisters have boyfriends". They were a year and two years older than me. I don't know if he was worried that I wasn't normal or what his purpose of that was but after that, I didn't go more than a week without a boyfriend. If I broke up with one I found another because I think it told me that I wasn't "normal" unless I had a guy. Oh how much easier my highschool days would have been if I just got to be myself. He also didn't like my "fat friends" and questioned my choice there so I ditched them and started hanging out with the "hoods". I guess my point is that sometimes stepping in too much can back fire.

So (this became a long response...probably because it's early and I'm tired and I'm probably not making any sense... ) I would try the teacher route so she doesn't get the feeling that you think she's abnormal and then let her figure it out. If she is outgoing enough to find friends on the playground she'll probably figure it out just fine.

ETA:

amynicole21 replied: I thought of something else on the drive to work. Can you find out from the teacher if any of the kids do after school activities like Daisies or cheerleading or something? Perhaps if Jama was involved in something outside of school with some of the kids it would be easier for her to bond? I think she's going to be just fine, but I totally understand your worries.

luvmykids replied: Aw, she is just beautiful

I'm also a worrier about this type of thing. I don't really have much advice, other than to maybe try to explain to her that these girls aren't trying to be mean but since she plays with other kids outside, they assume she doesn't want to be part of their "group"? I don't know if that would make it better or worse, I think it's so important for kids to be true to who they are and not feel like they "have" to be friends with any certain kids but if it's bothering her, it's worth trying to help her navigate it.

I worry constantly about the kids, Kylie is very bothered that some of Colts friends aren't her friends too even though she has plenty of her own, Macie it turns out is painfully shy, and Colt is a little closed off to making new friends. I have laid awake many nights worrying and hoping everyone will turn out ok with no emotional scars You're not alone in that

MommyToAshley replied:
This is exactly what I was going to suggest. Ashley didn't have any of her friends in her class this year from last year. However, she signed up for soccer through the school. She's made friends with the girls on the team and a few of them are in her class. So, it made the first day a little easier.

If you sign Jamison up for a sport (maybe even track?) , she'll likely make friends with someone that has something in common with her since they are involved in the sport too. Hopefully at least one or two of them will be in her class.

By the way, she is beautiful!

mom21kid2dogs replied: How adorable is that girl? She is such a doll!!

Although I believe the advice Jeanne gave you is likely the hardest to swallow, I believe it's the best. I really try to stay out of it as much as possible. If she comes to me with a question, I answer it as completely and honestly as I can. Other than that, navigating the social parts of life is largely her call. When she was younger, I always tried to model being a good friend, tried to impose a good social structure on her and now she'll have to make it her own. I will say, however, some classes of children are cattyier than others. That is a completely different situation IMO and requires more parental interaction/intervention. By the end of 1st/ beginning of 2nd that situation usually becomes very obvious to parents.

It still amazes me (O is in 2nd grade) how fast and fleeting "friends" are at this age. I truly don't remember that as a very young child. O is quite a tomboy but highly social so usually we just run into the "exclusionary" behavior of our 3rd grade neighbor girls. They don't want to play with a lowly 2nd grader. Her friends split is probably 50/50 boys to girls. Actually, if her friends come over and get the dolls out, she does something else, like coloring or she dresses up and sings to them while they play. Not exactally interactive but it works for them. We also do loads of other group activities~girl scouts, baseball, choir and she has made friends in all of those groups.

Can I just say how werid is it that they don't let the kids play outside in the winter? Here (a whopping 1.5 to 2 hours away) they are outside for recess unless it is raining or the temp is dangerously low. I feel very sorry for both the teachers and kids~they must be literally crazed by Spring!!! Not to mentioned how silly it is to be cooped up more than you have to be during cold & flu season.

Anyway, your topic is completely one of my mommy hot buttons because I had difficulties as a child fitting in with the girls, too. I spent more than a few sessions in therapy dealing with that well of pain! To this day in mixed social situations, you'll find me hangin' with the guys watching the game more than I will be in the kitchen gossiping with the girls. I have a large circle of aquaintances but only a very few close friends. And, to this day, I still prefer kickball to dolls!!

lisar replied: First that picture of her she is beautiful. And for the other part, I think kids need to learn on their own on alot of things. Like this for example. I would explain it to her once or twice and let her know how the other friend feels. But let her know whats gona happen when winter comes. I know you dont wanna see your child like that in the winter, but they have to learn life just like everyone even at their age

cameragirl21 replied: I don't really have advice, B, just wanted to say your daughter is just beautiful. Also just wanted to add that we are who we are and the most important thing we can do for others imo is just to let them be who they are. If she prefers to run with the boys then she may not find much common ground with the girls who'd prefer to stand around BUT the beauty of being her age is that friendships are forged easily and I believe that as the school year progresses, she will find her way. She is your daughter after all, she must have inherited your wisdom.
I also want to add that from reading this forum, I am absolutely convinced that our generation is way more worried and invested in our children than our parents ever were. It's progress but adds stress, so it's a double edged sword.

Jamison'smama replied: Thanks for all the replies. Today (a rainy day) was indoor recess so she played alone but she was eventually approached by another girl to play and she said it was a great recess. She is much less concerned about this than I am but she has difficulty with the big picture. She is THRILLED to run outside with the boys and she does BUT when indoor recess comes (and Cheryl you are right...we are way too wimpy here), she doesn't want to play with the boys, her quiet play is more in line with the girls and that's when the problems start. Jamison is just a different kind of girl, she doesn't care who she plays with, she just wants to play so she just doesn't undertand cliques and exclusion. I know I need to worry less...or up my medication, I am just that parent that frets and frets. Thanks to those of you who have been there/done that and can remind me that the important thing is for her to find happiness in her own way and I need to quit putting my stresses on a 6 year old child.

luvmykids replied:
I know that is so much easier said than done I need to be reminded of it often too

MommyToAshley replied:
I was just about to say that I am that parent too. I have to remind myself that every day... sometimes several times a day.

I'm glad that she found someone to play with at recess and said it was a good recess.

Maddie&EthansMom replied: Oh Brenda she is so beautiful!!!!

It does all work itself out. Usually by the end of second grade they have found their niche and things have settled. I know it seems like a long time to wait, but she will be okay. I'm certain it bothers us more than it bothers our girls. I tend to have so many more feelings at my age than Maddie does at her age, kwim? She is able to handle situations much better than I can. One day they will be at each other's throats and the next they are best friends. That was a hard lesson learned for me. I took things personally when my daughter came home crying that her feelings were hurt. Kids are resilient and very forgiving. If only we could learn from that.

Jamison'smama replied: Thanks Aimee!

Okay, I am letting this go, since there is more drama in other areas so I need to let this work out. I checked on her today and she was running from 3 boys, so apparently she will do whatever she wants to do regardless of my advice.

Also, HELLO, I didn't even notice my spelling error until today..adviCe.

A&A'smommy replied: wow she has grown so much, she is gorgeous!!! I have no idea but i can definitely understand your stress