mom2my2cuties (or anyone) - I have a question about something

Bee_Kay wrote: that you wrote:




This has been on my mind ALOT today. What you wrote really got me thinking. It is apparent that they most likely won't have enough cash to provide formula or diapers. Lexi does get WIC, 9 cans of formula per month. Those 9 cans don't last the whole month.

So, do my DH and I step in and provide for the baby? If we do that, are we also enabling them to pass their responsibilities off onto someone else (us)?

Simplebeliever replied:
Sorry to butt in with my opinion. I hope that it is okay.

I read the other thread about this couple and I have a suggestion to offer. If this family does fall flat on their bottoms, the only person who is really going to suffer is the baby especially if they do not have enough money to pay for diapers or formula.

If it did come to the point where they did ask you for financial assistance could they earn it from you? Maybe they could do house work or other errands and earn the diapers and baby food?

Bee_Kay replied:

That is exactly my dilemma. The baby (it is our granddaughter btw). I would NEVER let that baby go without formula or diapers...... BUT, how much is TOO much?
As far as working/earning it.... he is already financially indebted to us.

I didn't want it to sound like we would let our granddaughter go hungry, but I don't know how to provide what the baby needs, and also teach them responsibilities as parents, KWIM?

mummy2girls replied: my experience and still experience...

Ever since i told my parents I was pregnant with jenna they were upset at first being i was still single but they said they will support me. And once Jenna was born they dont regret me having her:) I have been doing it on my own since day one ( with some help from aron) and my parents do help BUT only to a extent. they dont pay my rent or anything to that extent but once in a while will go and buy me groceries. They will buy jenna clothes once in a while and spoil her like a grandparent does:) But they also want me to know that i am the mom I decided to have jenna being i was single and new full extent how hard it would be to do it on my own, so they wont help me with everything. and for them to pretty much make me deal with things on my own it taught me to be a very strong person when it comes to single mother hood. I know you want to help them and not leave your grandchild without food BUT you have to let them deal with things because they chose to quit when they barely could afford thier bills with thier jobs, they decided to do the things so they should get themselves out of the mess they make. tell them you be there for them but they need to figure thinsg out and learn to support themeselves because in reality you guys wont be alive forever so what are they goign to do when you guys are gone? If you help them with everything then they will think no matter what stupid thing they do mommy will bail us out. tellt hem you will help them but notto a point where your supporting thier butts!

Nina J replied: Shelly has great advice, I agree with her. If I were in your position, I wouldn't want DD and her boyfriend (or husband?? I'm not sure) to get the idea that they can rely on me, KWIM? If they were desperate, I'm sure you'd help them out, but by only helping when they really need it, they'll soon realise they are responsible for there baby and themselves.

My3LilMonkeys replied: Personally, If I were you, I would help with formula, only because it's not fair for that baby to suffer because of its parent's mistakes. If they run out of diapers and ask for help, I would probably help with that too. But anything that doesn't directly benefit the baby I wouldn't.

PrairieMom replied: This is a hard one. Maybe you could give them an opportunity to earn extra cash when they need it? can she clean your house for you or something like that?

J-rod replied: only 9 cans? seems really low.....were they basing that off you and your DH income? cause if it was hers and his alone im sure she get WAY more than that.

Boo&BugsMom replied: Barb, I don't know about the other post, but after reading your post about your stepdaughter (is that right?) and her BF I have to just say a couple things. It seems like they both need to buck up and get their act together for the sake of their child. Correct me if I am wrong, but the BF said he didn't want to work full time? Well, he needs a wake up call and needs to be welcomed to the real world where at least one person in every house (if not both) usually works full time! And for stepdaughter who quit because she "didn't like the hours"...my dad would have said TOO BAD! You have to do what you have to do. They need to grow up a bit and get it together it seems. Sorry to sound rude or anything, but if that were me and hubby acting like that my mom and dad would have let us fall on our faces to teach us a lesson a long time ago. That is just irresponsible of them. Someone needs to give them a firm talking to and then some! I know it's easier said than done when there is a little one involved, but there are other programs they can go to for help instead of others enabling them. They need to learn to fend for themselves. That is just my opinion. I don't expect anyone to agree, but one of the things I was always taught was how to be responsible and learn the value of hard work and a dollar, same with hubby. They need to become responsible for their own actions and decisions. At MOST I would help with formula, and that is it. If they can't afford diapers, then they can start using cloth ones.

mom2my2cuties replied: Barb,

I meant for the two "adults." I think helping with the things the baby needs, goes without saying. That baby can't suffer because her parents need a kick in the pants. I would make sure you I didn't "help" as a pre-emptive measure, but did it as needed only. And I would attempt to make them do something in (mow the law, rake leaves, etc) to sort of earn the money needed for those things. But I would never let a baby do without if I could help it.

punkeemunkee'smom replied: Barb~ I know you want to help take care of the baby and I think that is wonderful but (I really don't know how to word this without sounding really snotty but I will try-please don't take this wrong...you know I love ya! ) she is recieving help from you and all the rest of the tax payers already-9 cans of formula a month is 9 more cans than LOTS of families get.And I know that WIC doesn't end there-they get milk and eggs and several other items. I know that people need help sometimes andthat is fine but 'not liking the hours of a job' or in the case of her BF just being plain lazy just doesn't cut it anymore. It kinda irks me when I hear people complain about the insufficient welfare they recieve-shouldn't it be if I get 5 cans of formula that is 5 I won't have to come up with the cash for?...It is ultimately up to you and your husband whether or not you help them but I have seen it too many times that when Mom and Dad(Grandma and Grandpa) step in there is no need for the 2nd generation to step up!

flirtycuddle replied: J-Rod I just wanted to say I am on WIC and only get 8 cans a month of formla so 9 isn't low at all. In Utah you get 9 in AZ you get 10 and in NV you get between 8-10 depending on what kind you are using

J-rod replied:
edit - we get more but now i remember how....

Crystalina replied:
Abbie, those words are so so true. I know too many young people (young being in their 20's at least) not "growing up" becuase old mom and dad are there to make their lives easier be it paying bills for them or in some cases even having them still living at home. It seems like as the more gernerations that are coming the less they have to do for themselves.

Barb, I'm saying this in general and not particularly because of your situation. Just so you know. I don't want you thinking I'm saying your "pampering" anyone. I only know bits and peices of your situation so I can't give much advice.

Cece00 replied: I was thinking about this, too...perhaps when she has to call you for food for the baby & diapers...you could put in a little call to the local DSS/CPS? If they go over there & investigate & see they have no money for food, are having their utilities cut off, etc...they're going to give a stern warning about getting their crap together NOW and get jobs and food and pay their bills, or losing the baby. Maybe that would shove a little sense into the two of them.

punkeemunkee'smom replied:
That is a pretty dangerous game to play...Right now down here at least the last thing you want to do is chance CPS getting involved just to 'show them they need to get it together'. They (CPS) has had some high profile screwups in the last year and they are trying to redeem themselves and going really overboard in several cases to do so.....

IDK~I had not read the OP about him quitting and such just got that info from this thread but now I say that I would not do anything for them this month...If they are really such bad parents that they would let the baby go hungry instead of doing WHATEVER it took to clothe her,feed her,etc...Then I would be thinking about where that baby would be better off-with You?( since you are buying her formula and diapers anyway) Or with parents who are too selfish or lazy to make sure the baby is well provided for reguardless how much 'time off' he would like to have....My DH would love some time off too but unfortunately people keep wanting our bills paid,and that includes a whole lot of $$$ that comes out of his check for taxes and goes into the pockets of people (just like BF here) who are just refusing to do it for themselves!

mummy2girls replied:
I dont think she should call DSS on them because that is a little harsh to have the state take the child away. they should help to a point but not where they are paying for the bills and rent. help out maby by getting some forumla and diapers but not a every day thing. BUT if you do want to help Barb maby have them work for the money so that way they know they need to work do get these things. because if it is handed to them on a silver plater they will expect it all the time...

Cece00 replied:
I dont know about in Barb's area, but calling DSS/CPS *here* would have them go to the home, investigate, and they would likely start putting a plan of action together with the parents to get this situation under control. Parenting classes would likely be ordered (a good thing for this couple), they would probably help them get govt benefits (foodstamps, child care assistance so they could BOTH go to work, affordable housing...) and then monitor them, with the threat that if the stipulations are not met, the child could be removed, but really, children are not usually removed unless there is abuse or SERIOUS long term neglect. Even if the child WAS removed, the first place they usually look to place the child is with FAMILY.

Barb cant make them give her the baby to care for. And if she gives them nothing for the baby and they DONT get her anything to eat, it IS neglect, and would still warrant a call to DSS/CPS.

Something serious needs to be done to wake these two up. JMO.

Cece00 replied:
See my post below but its unlikely the first thing DSS/CPS would do is remove the child. They tend to want to keep families TOGETHER when at all possible, and if these children would snap out of it & realize they are parents, its absolutely possible for them to stay a family.

Boo&BugsMom replied: CPS wants to help families, but it is VERY hard for them to stay out of your lives once they are in it. I would not go this route. That is a little extreme. I have known many families who have had their lives turned upside down by them for such pety reasons.

mom2my2cuties replied: Honestly, CPS isn't what this family needs. This young family needs Family & Social Serivces. Any more, CPS is a "Yank first then ask questions." In a lot of neglect cases. And honestly, it isn't hard to get them out of your life once they are involved, you just have to prove you are doing nothing that is detrimental to your children.

Barb - I honestly can't say what is the right choice to make in these situations, but I can say that you know your family better than anyone else, and I think you will do exactly what is needed for this baby.

Boo&BugsMom replied:
Tish, I suppose it depends what state you are in, but here, they do not leave you alone once they are there. They keep an eagles eye on you for quite some time, even legit families, which is why I caution about it.

punkeemunkee'smom replied:

I agree and I think that is Barb's dilemma...If you help them will they ever not expect it? Not in cases I have seen. But regaurdless unless the baby is being hurt (and I know that is not a question or Barb would have already taken care of that) CPS is a really drastic measure! Bill and I always wonder at (especially men) who are just fine and dandy to live off the parents of their wives or girlfriends How about taking some pride in yourself and providing for your family?

Barb- I know this has to be sooo hard for you! You love Lacy and the baby but I can't imagine the stress this puts on you and your family at home... I hope they wake up and you can stop picking up after them!

grapfruit replied: I have a friend who is in a similar situation to your SD. She has 2 kids (1 she only has shared custody of) and the 2nd is a few months old.

Her BF has held down a job for maybe a total of a month since before she found out she was pregnant (so a total of like a 11 months?). She had tried very hard to get a job while she was pregnant but, who wants to hire somebody 7 months pregnant. Then she had some problems and her doctor said no work.

Because neither of them had a job they also had no place to live. I took her down to Job and Family services many times, but since they weren't working, or at least attempting to work they wouldn't give them ANY assistance. Even w/her daughter being there 3-4 days a week.

So now the new baby is here. She does have WIC and the Medical Card for him. And 2 weeks after having him via C-Section she was looking for a job b/c she knew she needed too. However she has a hard time getting to a job b/c she has no car. (They did have one but her BF sold it so he could get a tattoo).

I have twice bought her formula and diapers because she was out. How can I let her son starve?? But I didn't have the restraint to keep my mouth shut. I told her that he wasn't going to grow up and get a job (he had almost a year!) so stop thinking that he will.

Her adopted brother said her and the baby could stay w/him for 6 weeks, but she didn't want to do that since the BF couldn't come (he's such scum). I made her promise that she would go to his house and get back on her feet (I really feel like if she distanced herself from the BF she could). But a few weeks later she's still in the same place. W/him.

It's frustrating, but I agree, help the baby if it's absolutly necessary. But nothing else. And never ever, just give money.

Sorry if that was a little choppy, for some reason I couldn't get a thought to flow correctly....

Crystalina replied: Barb, does BF's family help at all or are you guys the main source of "help"? I was just wondering if you have ever talked to the other family and maybe come together as far as what you can and will help with and what you won't. I know some young parents that go from one family to the other to get what they need and it's really frusterating to see both families being taken advantage of just because the young parents can't grow up.

Bee_Kay replied: WOW~!!

I have been so busy today that I am just not getting around to visiting the boards. Thank you all SOOOOOOOO much for the responses!

I'll do my best to recall all that has been written.

I can't call CPS on them. Yes, they are very irresponsible young parents, but not abusive. If I thought that baby was being hurt or abused, believe me, I'd snatch Lexi out of there so fast and DARE them to call the police!!

Yep, they get 9 can. That is the norm in Minnesota.

As far as having them work for some cash. They already owe us some work for cash they have already recieved.

I know that there are other programs out there that are available. But, I can't encourage them to apply for welfare (NOT starting a debate here). I believe that welfare is/should be there for families when they NEED it. Not for those (like SD and her BF) who, FOR NO REASON, gave up perfectly fine honest paying jobs.

As far as what we decide. I guess we will have to deal with it when/if the time comes. I won't let the baby go without, but believe me, I will give them an earful. When/if I buy formula or diapers, I will open the packages so they cannot be returned to the store after I leave (sounds crappy I know).

Thank you all for the advice. You are all so wonderful!!!

Crystalina replied:
Not at all! I would do the same thing. That way you know that it is being used for the baby and not being returned for the money. If they truly need if for the baby they won't mind if you've opened it.

gr33n3y3z replied:
no way no how
once those ppl. are in your home it takes years to get rid of them.
what they need to do is go to the county office and apply for help
utilities, and find housing that they can afford which they set your price of payment.

She needs to tell him get a job or dont come home if he still isnt bring in enoigh money then he needs 2 jobs he is young he can handle it JMO if you can party all night you can work 2 jobs

As for her working if any way possable she should also but I feel she should be taking care of her baby