men v women - Feelings

TheOaf66 wrote: So I need some female advice on this one. My wife and I had a bit of an argument the last couple days over something irrelevant. So the question really is she was upset because I could not express my feelings in a way she could relate to. She said she did not believe that I undestood and I was not showing compassion etc and I tried to explain to her that I just don't work that way, in an argument like that I talk monotone. I tried to tell her that me doing what she wanted and trying to make her happy was compassion and showed that I cared that her feelings were hurt. Anyone else's SO like this and you have the same problem with them?

luvbug00 replied: personaly I like to see some emotion. even a little . Let me see he's sorry like an apology and a kind hug or offer to do somthing to help, or for us to do together. If he's angry then GET ANGRY ( some women find angry men very appealing) . and if your happy jump up and down. Show with your body what your voice can't. or write her a card. telling her you do care.

My S/O is very vocal now but he was like this when we first met...then i hit him with a hanger..litterly. ANd then the emotion showed and has shown ever since.

Good luck

TheOaf66 replied: yeah I am not really vocal simply because I don't see a point. I just want to reach the solution as quickly as possible. Tell me what needs to be done for this to be over and I will do it, things seem to run better that way, I am not really into rocking the boat.

lisar replied: Gene doesnt show any emotion and it drives me insane. My Dh is like you if he doesnt see the point then there is no reason to deal with it. But I also know alot of the times I cant seem to get my point across in way the he understands. So I just give up.

TheOaf66 replied: yeah see she does not give up, she gets emotional and more upset. That is why I try and skip right to the end, to difuse the bomb before it BLOWS!

luvbug00 replied: Well it's like we can't read your mind and so that's why showing emotion is important. And by just trying to defuse her bomb it makes her more nagry because then we read that as you don't care. SO the happy medium must be found here.

TheOaf66 replied: if you have an idea as to what the happy medium can be, please let me know

luvbug00 replied: Why not tell her you really want to understand her and you DO care, (obviously or you wouldn't ask for advice ,well done btw) But you don't see the need to draw out the problem. The reason your trying to end the fights quickly is because it's not worth it right. tell her! tell her you just want to get to the bottom of the probem so you two don't have to fight about it because you want to spend time with her and fighting is not how you want to do it.
maybe??..

TheOaf66 replied: well, I told her that but the words were not good enough because I did not show it in my face and she thought I was saying that "to shut her up" which was so not the case. I am just trying to save future problems with this.

luvmykids replied: Maybe you could try talking about it when you're not in the heat of an argument. sometime when you two are just talking you could tell her that you know you don't communicate the way she needs you to and that you'd like to know exactly what that is. Maybe without the emotions of the moment she can spell it out for you a little better and without sarcasm.

TheOaf66 replied: well something she will testify to, it is really hard for me to do anything without sarcasm...it is just how I am.

Boo&BugsMom replied: YEP!

TheOaf66 replied: smokin pic of some guy and a hottie

Boo&BugsMom replied: Oh honey...don't you have anything better to do at work today? At least I have an excuse...all my kids are sleeping.

TheOaf66 replied: hey I am doin my job according to my job description so

luvmykids replied:
I hope that didn't sound like a put down, I am guilty of sarcasm too and so is DH, it just doesn't get us any closer to the root of the problem, kwim?

TheOaf66 replied: sure I agree, but it is a defense mechanism w/o lack of a better term. I am just wired that way and it tends to poke it's ugly head into almost every situation.

C&K*s Mommie replied: I really began to question things for a second there, when I noticed this then I realized that she is your wife!

Your wife is very pretty. You are handsome yourself, Troy.

Chris tends to be like that, but I realize it is nothing personal, he is a man. Men act and react differently then women, and that is that. We resolve things, not always as efficiently as he would like, but eventually. It may be more talking on my part, but things are said and laid out in the open. He is not going to change and that is that. I have learned to deal with it, and move on.

mysweetpeasWil&Wes replied: Yes, my DH is that way. We've been to counseling (several years ago before we were married) and the counselor described me as the "hailstorm", he as the "turtle". Because I all my emotions out on him in one conversation, where he turtles (hides) for several days before he can come to grips with his emotions. By that time, I'm ususally over it! I know the whole hailstorn/turtle thing is a silly way to look at it, but it's true. I get annoyed that he doesn't give me more...meaning, he doesn't open up more during our discussions. I often think he doesn't have a clue as to how to empathize with my feelings, because his response is usually about six words or less. He often says "but you know I love you", which is nice to hear, but I want MORE than that if I've had a rough day! I want details. I want someone to say "it will be okay" and "I know you'll get through it, you're strong"....

Am I anywhere close to what you're talking about with your SO?

Anyhow, since the counseling, we both have learned that we just communicate differently. I need to step-back at times and not expect him to empathize the way I would empathize, or a girlfriend would empathize with me...and he needs to pull out of his shell and learn to express his feelings IN the moment. It's hard, but we get there...sometimes. It's just a matter of being responsible for stepping out of your comfort zone and putting yourself in the other's shoes.

Hope some of that made sense.