i need help/resources - husband doesnt want baby
vanilla wrote: ok here is the gist of my problem. Moved from Or to NC 2.5 yrs ago. I left all my friends and family behind. My husband moved us around 4x in this 2.5 years. He dispises me because i do not work and bring money into the house. We have a boy who turned just turned 5. My hub knows that i planned on working when he goes to school. (although i may start earlier due to 2 possible opportunities have arisen). I understand a lack of money is a big issue. but bear with me -- i have also had 2 miscarriages in the first year. This past august I had to be rushed to the hospital cuz i had a ectopic pregnancy (tubal) and my tube burst and I was bleeding out inside (my doc said I was lucky that i got there in time) so, needless to say, i went through depression stages. Now, I just found out I am pregnant again. We got in a huge fight (for the 4th time.. each preg. has been the same) He said it is up to me to what i do. I want his help on this so we can get through this but he refuses. All he will tell me is that it is bad timing and we dont have the money. (and let me tell you he is not just saying but adding that tone in his voice that i have done something wrong and I am more of a burden on him then before. ) Ok.. there is more, but that is the jist. I do not want to have an abortion but he does not want the baby. I just think that our marriage is at its end. We haven't gotten along in some time, but he will not help me get home (to oregon) I am here on my own. No one to help me and I just don't know what to do. (oh, i am only about 7 wks) Can anyone help me maybe give me some resources to turn to? I would be forever in your debt! Thank You
moped replied: I am not sure I can give you any resources, but I can tell you that you need to do what is right for you and the baby growing inside you - do not get too stressed because that is not good for baby either.......I am so sorry to hear you are going thru this................think of your future and the baby's future - what do you really want to do???
vanilla replied: oh, i forgot to add that i do not want to have an abortion. I do not think they are the right solution for me. What other people do is up to them and i do not harbor feelings on what they do for thier own body. I just cant do it personally and he knows how i feel.
moped replied: Do you love your husband?
vanilla replied: Thank you for the encouraging words, it helps more than you can imagine right about now.
What i want is to have this baby. I dont think its an easy solution, but i know that abortion is not right for me. I still plan on working, but where now is the question. He doesnt want the baby and I dont want to have the baby and him treat it badly because its a bother to him. That is not fair to the child.
mammag replied: I'm not sure how much I can help but I'd look in the phone book for the department of family services and see if they can point you in the right direction.
As far as the relationship....It sounds to me like it would be best for you to get out now. It doesn't sound like a healthy relationship for you and your baby. Whatever happens with the baby I think you are at a crucial point where you need to decide what you want in your life and start taking action to make life what you want it to be. Don't let a fear of being alone or raising a child on your own stop you.
Keep us posted and if you ever need an "ear" feel free to post anytime. Hopefully someone else will have more helpful information for you. There are also a few single moms on here who may be able to advise you and give you hope for your future. Though things may look dreary right now, the future can be what ever you make it. Keep your chin up!
vanilla replied: yes, i love him.
vanilla replied: thank you all for the encouraging words. I didnt know where to go, or what to do, i found this and thought its a place to start.
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Alice replied: Could someone from home provide you the resources? A loan or gift of airfare for you and your son?
But keep in mind, leaving won't help your marriage.
Would you consider counseling?
Or putting the baby up for adoption?
gr33n3y3z replied: Sorry but I dont have the right words to say anything Good luck in what you decide to do.
DVFlyer replied: How is he with his son? I'm assuming he's not from another relationship.
I feel sad for everyone involved, but mostly for the unborn child. If you go through with this pregnancy, chances are your husband will adapt to the new addition- what choice will he have?-, but that will do nothing for your marriage/ relationship.
I'm tempted to say how dare you get pregnant when you knew he didn't want children, but I place blame equally on both parties for this. You knew your husband didn't want another child (at least not yet) and he knew he didn't want one, but yet you both continued to have sex. You've already gotten pregnant once (tubal) and you both didn't learn your lesson, so now you are pregnant again. You have had an arguement each time it's happened, but neither of you have done anything to prevent it from happening again which tells me that you are both either very irresponsible or very immature.
As far as working, how, now, will you work? Will you get a job and then leave when you get closer to giving birth? Will you, then, be off for another 5 years or so?
And before anyone jumps down my throat about my comments, I speak from experience. I have two (well, almost two, next one due in April) children because neither of us would take the responsibilty to say no, use protection, run to the hills.... whatever. No I don't "despise" my wife and I love my daughter (more than I thought was possible which was an odd realization for me) but the fact remains that we both knew how the other felt and did nothing. It haunts me in a small way every day.
moped replied: YOu often have some very good advice DVFlyer!!!!!!
DVFlyer replied: Thanks Jen. I just realized I have a baby picture of me somewhere and I have the EXACT same expression as your boy does in the picture on the right. I'll have to find it and scan it.
gr33n3y3z replied: I agree with DVFlyer I just couldnt say it.
A&A'smommy replied: I have to agree with DVIflyer on this one he is right!!
I got pregnant by surprise unmarried and 17 it wasn't easy and hasn't been easy but my dh and I work hard everyday to make our life work. Its never easy it doesn't matter how, when you get pregnan't. I wish for your child and for babies sake that you guys would work things out but if you can't you need to leave. I don't believe in abortion so I would never suggest that (and I know you said you don't want one) adoption is a good choice there are MILLIONS of people would can't have babies. But if you really want this baby and you KNOW without a doubt that you and your husband will never be able to work things out then leave him and remember when you do you will have to start all over! I'm sorry you have to go through this I hope you will things get better for you! Good luck with EVERYTHING and please let us know how things go!
Hillbilly Housewife replied: Just my opinion!!!!!
If you really believe that your husband does not love you, talk to him. If he doesn't, as hard as it could be, don't be in a bad relationship just for the childrens' sake. That can often be worse for this kids.....
So you're having a baby. So what?! Lots of people way worse off have babies. Tell him to deal with it..... cuz he can pack up, leave, and send you a cheque in the mail. You know? Is this aggravation relaly good for you or your kids? If you're in such a bad relationship....would a break-up be such a bad thing???
Sorry, that's just my opinion....good luck, leep us posted....
vanilla replied: ok, let me put this much into perspective.. we did not have insurance with the tubal.. I was on a new birth control when i got pregnant this time.. (nuvaring) and it came out... it was not planned.. and of course since i do love him, and we are married, we do have sex.. thanks for all the info, I guess in some peoples eyes i am a horrible person, so be! Shame on me for getting pregnant. I mean birthcontrol is 100% isnt it? I do recall that i said that i was giving the jist of my situation and i was asking mainly for help on where i should go so I can get out of this so my kids wont have to deal with it.
As far as counseling.. i brought it up several times and he tells me he is not the one that needs and refuses to go.
For those of you who gave support when i needed a shoulder and didnt have one, i appreciate it allot. It is hard to be alone.
Hillbilly Housewife replied: 2 out of 3 of my pregnancies were birth control related "oopsies"..... so no, birth control is NOT 100%. Factors like something as silly as if you take it sometimes at different times during the day can bring down it's efficacity..... so don't feel bad.
You're not a bad person.... things happen.
You should ONLY feel ashamed if you got pregnant for the wrong reason, such as trying to keep your marriage together with a baby, or having a baby because you're lonely - part of the top reasons so many teen moms get pregnant on purpose.
I'm not a huge fan of religion - but I have my own beliefs.... and pregnancies are miracles... not to be toyed with like so many young mothers do.... I was 19 when I got pregnant with Zach. it was an accident, we dealt with it. Emilie was planned, she just came the first try, which we weren't expecting. This 3rd baby is also an accident...and we're dealing with it.... but not 1 of my pregnancies were conceived with the thought of a baby "fixing" the problems.
I'm not suggesting that's why you are pregnant, don't get me wrong - I'm just saying that if you don't have an ulterior motive for having this baby, you should not be ashamed. Babies are miracles!
vanilla replied: I meant that with this one and the nuvaring situation, we now have insurance.
Oh, fyi.. I have tried talking to him, he refuses to tell me how he feels. So, dont think that i havent tried..
I am retiring from this board, i am now thinking maybe i should have never asked for help. I am alone, needed a shoulder and some gave me good insight on where is a good place to get help. But then others want to attack without having all the knowledge or asking things instead of accusing.
Dont get me wrong, i dont mind critisism, you dont know me, so ya, its easy to say things, i just wish before you made your decision to blame me or shame on me for this, you would ask a few more ?'s.
Good bye and God Bless to all.
mammag replied: I don't think you are a bad person at all. I think everyone makes mistakes, especially in relationships. It is easy to throw stones when you are distant from the situation but like you said, you just gave a brief summation of the situation and were looking for help.
I just noticed you are leaving the board. I'm sorry for that. There are some really caring people here.
I hope things work out for you. If you would like to pm me feel free, if you just want to talk or whatever.
Take care of yourself and that little miracle.
Hillbilly Housewife replied: What do you mean? I didn't see any attacks?!
daisychain replied: umm, wow, toughie. I am new here but man, looks like some people can be a little harsh dont know if i want to post in this section. I was referred to this board because i am preg and like to chat and meet some new people. i was browsing through the boards and saw this.
Vanilla if you read this -- (Not that I am telling you what to do, but if you really need and want to leave) Legal aid should be able to help you. Legal Aid is available pretty much everywhere. Just look in your phone book or online or something for it. They may be able to help you or point you in a good direction.
Good luck to you and yours. And keep your head up dont let anyone get you down.
daisychain replied: i saw it here..
I'm tempted to say how dare you get pregnant when you knew he didn't want children, but I place blame equally on both parties for this. You knew your husband didn't want another child (at least not yet) and he knew he didn't want one, but yet you both continued to have sex. You've already gotten pregnant once (tubal) and you both didn't learn your lesson, so now you are pregnant again. You have had an arguement each time it's happened, but neither of you have done anything to prevent it from happening again which tells me that you are both either very irresponsible or very immature.
I think that if you are in need and dont know what to do, it is very dangerous to blame someone or put them down. I am a counselor and know that a cry for help if not taken seriously can lead down a very bad road. I think we all need to remember that Vanilla is in a situation that she cant see how to get through. She has a serious decision to make, and is all alone. Not too mention that when you are pregnant your emotions run high and don't really need any added stress on to a tough situation.
I too, Vanilla, am here for you if you need to talk. You can pm me if you like.
gr33n3y3z replied: No its not 100% nothing is. Thats why you need a back up. If your hubby loves you as much as you think ,he would help and support you My hubby would never say that to me But if ever did his a$$ would have been out that door soon as he was done. I wasnt picking on you but Oh never mind I will just get trouble.
GavinsMommy replied: Keep the baby, lose the husband. No matter why you're pregnant, you are and it's your job to do what's right.
DVFlyer replied: Please tell me you're not serious. Does she not need
Nevermind.
daisychain replied: Nice, now i see why she left. I think that she was being sarcastic when she stated the line " I guess in some peoples eyes i am a horrible person, so be! Shame on me for getting pregnant. I mean birthcontrol is 100% isnt it? "
mammag replied:
That's how i took it also, as sarcasm.
And again, I think she was mainly asking for resources.
TLCDad replied: I do not think DVFlyer was trying to be hurtful but I definitely can see how it could of been taken that way, especially in the situation she is in.
She is in the situation... doesn't matter how it happened or what mistake she or her husband has done. We have all made mistakes or unwise decisions in our life but there is nothing to gain by going on and on about and for people to keep "telling you so".... just try to learn from those mistakes.
My advice although since she left, she prolly will not get a chance to read it, is to seek counciling and financial aid. Also does your husband spend money easily or does he save any? Sounds like he may be spending alot. It also sounds like he does not have any special benefits from his job. Has he considered looking for a better job?
I strongly agree with everyone here that your husband does indeed sound imature and does not take responability. Until he does I do not think your going to be happy. If you do not think he loves you then it would be in your best interest to move on. That will be best for you and your children.
kimberley replied: i am sorry to hear about your situation and that you feel the need to leave this board there really are many wonderful people here who are very supportive and understanding. i think this should be a reminder to all posters here, that sometimes what people need most is a kind word or some encouragement. most people are painfully aware of how bad their situations are and know exactly how they got there... reminders are hurtful and unnecessary, jmo. and everyone's experiences are different.
i had 2 kids with a man that i grew to despise... i tried my hardest to make it work, but we just grew up in two opposite directions. that doesn't make me a bad person and i have no regrets... i believe everything happens for a reason and agree children are miracles. i had a third child with my DH and we went through a rocky "growing" period but worked it all out. it depends on the people, their level of maturity, and their dedication to each other and their kids.
i wish for the best for you and your babies and i hope you reconsider about the board.
jolene555 replied: wow. hmm, I guess i missed this post. i guess i'm glad I did, because from what she posted I got the very strong feeling that this pregnancy might have been *planned* on her part - a desperate attempt to save a marriage or solve her own depression. whatever the reason or cause, it's still a baby.
perhaps if she told the whole story no one would have room for attacks. or maybe she could have just said "i'm pregnant and trying to leave my husband". if you're going to be open, be ready for criticism!
Maddie&EthansMom replied: Kim ITA!
Hun, I'm sorry you are going thru this situation. I hope you find the help you need. You are in my thoughts and prayers and I definetly wish you and your children the best.
A&A'smommy replied: I want to oplogize pregnancy is NEVER easy and I really didn't mean it if i sounded mean I just seee SOOO many situations like this and it kills me!! I know one girl rignt now that has been through this same thing only its different because she is doing it for the wrong reasons! Please don't leave because someone said something that sounded mean we didn't mean harm! I hope that things work out good for you and your family!
Hillbilly Housewife replied: What is it exactly that you have to say to me?
Please do, I'm all ears.
alice&arik replied: Well I don't understand why you think a pregnancy was all her fault. Why didn't her husband get a vasectomy(sp?) then? If he didn't want kids, then why not? But that's right.....birth control is the woman's responsibility isn't it?
And WHAT is so wrong with bringing another baby into the world without a father? My son Arik doesn't have a father....was HE a mistake then? All of us single mothers have a reason and situation that made us "single parents." And I don't think any one of us WANTED it that way or PLANNED it that way.
alice&arik replied: I also feel really bad for Vanilla because of what was said to her. She came here looking for advice and support....*Resources* just like it says in her topic title. Maybe some people should think about what they are going to say before they put it in type.
DVFlyer replied: It's obvious this is a very sensitive subject to which my opinion was not expressed sensitively enough.... For that I apologize. I also realize I didn't offer any resources for which her original post was made. That was also a mistake and I apologize.
To clarify a few things.
I felt your statement was very vindictive and appears that you think the situation they are in is his fault. Why else would you be telling her that he can pack up, leave and send a cheque. If that's the case, I don't happen to agree with you.
I hope I've cleared a few things up and that my apologies were taken sincerely. As I mentioned, this subject hits home with me on a very personal level. I'm sure this clouded my response.
Mommy2BAK replied: There are no mistakes, just surprises!
Hillbilly Housewife replied: I don't think that the situation is HER fault, anymore that I think that it is HIS fault.
However.... the bottom line is that she is having this baby, whether he likes it or not. I meant that if it were ME, I would kick him the heck out of my life, he can send me child support.
If their situation was reversed and it was the father coming online to say he and his wife had a baby (since he can't actually "have" tha baby) and SHE didn't want part of it.... then she can leave, he'll get the kids and the child support....
My mom's a family lawyer...lol!!!!!
Eliasmom1 replied: This is all just so surprising to me. I'm on the ring...have been for 2 years and have NEVER had it 'fall' out. Just think about having that happen and not know it. I, for one, just don't believe it. And, for the record, I do have an oops baby. He's 14.
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