feeling pretty upset - about Father's Day

jcc64 wrote: As most of you know, my dad passed away 8 months ago.
The spector of Father's Day w/o a father has me more upset than I realized I would be. I've handled his passing pretty stoically, focusing my energy on keeping my mother going. But lately I've been dreaming about my dad, and I've been in tears on and off all day long.
Today I got a phone call from my mom, full of overt and implied accusations of not being sensitive to my father's memory or her grief, which absolutely flabbergasted me. She even suggested that I wasn't present at my father's last father's day( which I was, of course). The fact that she forgot I was there is forgivable- but her obvious perception that I wasn't present enough in my father's final days is incredibly hurtful to me, and untrue. My father and I were able to share very meaningful conversations on his deathbed, and he said many many times that I couldn't have been a better daughter to him. So my conscience is very clean where he's concerned. But obviously my mother's perceptions of me are very hurtful. She's also very angry with me bc I don't visit his grave often. A 100 mile distance not withstanding, I just can't bring myself to go there. I feel my father's presence all around me- I don't need to stand on a specific patch of dirt to honor his memory. I tried to tell her that she needs to respect that my way of grieving doesn't have to mirror her own, but she's so caught up in her own sadness, that she isn't capable of having charitable or forgiving feelings towards anyone else.
The saddest thing is, whenever my mother and I would argue, it was always my father that was the peacemaker.
I don't know what I expect you guys to say. Just needed to get it off my chest. Thanks for listening.

A&A'smommy replied: (((((BIG HUGS))))) I'm so sorry i can't even begin to amagine how bad you must be hurting!!! I'm sorry about your mom...

amynicole21 replied: I'm sorry, Jeanne. I'm sure your mother's memories of his final days are spotty for a reason - it's a darn good defense mechonism. Still, no one should judge you for how you choose to deal with a loved-one's passing I'll be thinking of you on Sunday.

kimberley replied: i am sorry things are difficult right now for both you and your mom. as you said, people grieve in different ways and lashing out is one way a lot of people display their hurt and sorrow. you know in your heart what is true. hang in there. we are here to listen.

jcc64 replied: Thanks for listening, guys!

coasterqueen replied: ((HUGS)) Jeanne. I wish I had something to say to make you feel better .

amymom replied: Jeanne, I remember the firsts are the hardest. I have lost both parents and a FIL I totally understand (and you do too) that each person grieves differently, and differently for each loss. I miss my dad alot on Father's Day too, and my FIL is missed since his birthday was the 15th of June, we used to celebrate both on Father's Day. I so understand.

I am sorry that your mom's preception is off.

You are in my thoughts and prayers this weekend.

paradisemommy replied: i can't imagine having to deal with this and i would be incredibly hurt by your mom's comments also. but at least you have the memories of your father and his comments to you on his deathbed to keep you going and close to your heart.

Jamison'smama replied: So sorry you are going through this. I just want to add that our family has experienced very similar problems since the death of DH's mother 13 months ago. There have been so many harsh words and accusations since her death and this is in a very very close family. It is amazing how we need to project onto others what we may be feeling about ourselves. It is so much easier to keep the anger and the focus elsewhere. Without turning around and making this about our family, I know this is hard for you and I know that you realize that she is in a different place in her grief and you may never understand each other--you just have to find some peace with each other and recognize that each goes through their own process and throwing out accusations and hurtful statements doesn't make holidays--or the impact of the loss any easier.

Emeraldsmom replied: I am soo sorry. I did not know your dad passed and I am sorry to hear this. Hang in there.

mammag replied: I'm so sorry Jeanne. I know that her acting like that must be making it all the rougher on you. You will be in my thoughts and prayers this weekend. Big Hugs!!!

kit_kats_mom replied: Gosh Jeanne. That really stinks that your mom won't allow you to grieve in your own way.

She's probably having a really tough time adjusting to him being gone as well and maybe she's just in the "anger" phase right now. Is it pretty charactaristic of her to be this way? If so, maybe you are just more sensative to it right now. Not that you shouldn't be, I'm just saying...try not to take it personally even though I'm sure that's hard to put into action.

I'm terribly sorry for your loss. I hope that, on Sunday, you are able to remember him and celebrate him for the wonderful dad he was.

Big giant hugs from our entire clan.

MommyToAshley replied: Father's Day is already hard enough, but I am sorry that your Mother has said such hurtful things. I really do think this is just her way of grieving, she must be really angry for losing her life long partner. I hope you keep that in mind when you hear these comments, I am sure the words are truly not aimed at you. Sometimes people just need to let some of that anger out. I can remember being really angry at everyone and everything when Joshua passed.

You know in your heart that you were there for your father. Try to remember those moments and celebrate his life today.

You're in my thoughts and prayers.

Jeanne, whenever I went through a rough spot, you have always been there for me with some meaningful & eloquently written words.... you always seemed to know the right thing to say. My words aren't quite as eloquent as yours, but I hope you find some comfort in knowing a friend that cares is thinking and praying for you today.

kimberley replied: thinking of you today, Jeanne

mummy2girls replied: im so sorry you have to deal with fathers day without your dad this year! Its always hard after you lose a loved one and important special days liek this approach./ People grieve in many different ways hun! My experience i lashed out at alot of people. and not on purpose i wasnt in my state of mind. so things they think are something nice they are saying i take as harsh,. im sorry your mom is saying those things it must make today alot harder! I just wanted to send you some hugs on this day!

mckayleesmom replied: Just wanted to give you a big hug . Don't worry about what your mother thinks or says. You know how much you loved your father and why you haven't been to his grave. Your father knows you loved him and are thinking about him and thats all that truly matters.

jcc64 replied: You guys are all so incredibly sweet and supportive, and your kind words and thoughts absolutely buoyed me, as I knew they would.
What a special group of people. I feel honored to be in your presence.
And btw- my mother apologized to me. She's still kind of a mess, I think everything's kind of crashing in on her now after 8 months- but it's a necessary step on the road to healing.
Just not a lot of fun!
Thanks again!

Boys r us replied: Awe Jeanne! I'm so sorry! I think that when dealing with grief a lot of people say hurtful things without even meaning to, in a way having someone to be "angry" with masks some of their own sadness and hurt. Not to mention it is a time when most people can't comprahend their own emotions and feelings much less take into account the feelings of someone else! I'm sure that your mother would never intentionally add to your grief by inflicting pain on you..I hope that the two of you are able to work thru this. (((((Lots of Love))))

Maddie&EthansMom replied: ((((Jeanne)))) I'm so sorry you are going thru a hard time right now. I think Brenda said it best. We have also been thru something very similar when losing Scotty's mother. It is hard on everyone. You will make it thru it. I'm glad your mother apologized. I realize it is still a very difficult thing to go thru and I hope you find comfort and peace.

DansMom replied: Oh, Jeanne I'm sorry this fathers day was so difficult, especially that your mom is projecting guilty feelings where there should be understanding and support. Like Dee Dee said, you're always so eloquent and say just the right things when you respond to the difficulties I'm going through. I feel tongue tied in comparison, like I can't adequately reciprocate, but I want you to know that I'm thinking of you.

ammommy replied: That had to be a hard day for everyone in your family. I hope that you and your mother can heal your relationship with each other and with your father's memory. Loss is hard.

MomToJade&Jordan replied: I have been away from the computer for the past few days and I'm sorry that I missed this post when you made it. I am happy to hear that your Mom apologized about what she said and did. It is true that people grieve in different ways and like some have said before your Mom seems to be in the anger part. I am so sorry that you are having such a hard time with Father's Day. As always we are here for you hun.