disrespect or control? - need opinions please.

boocoomomma wrote: Ok, I am at a loss here. My dh has become INSANELY jealous since we got married. Never showed any sign of it before hand. EVERYTHING has changed since the wedding. For example....no man is to come here while he isn''t here...not even his friends that are looking for him. We recently went boating w/ a couple that live together and we are around them quite often. We all rode to the lake together and on the way back, the guy and I start talking about kids, disipline, teenagers,etc...nothing more than that. Later on, dh starts in on me about how we have alot to talk about, and how we carry on!!!! I was floored---hhe was right there and heard our entire conversation.
Earlier this week he took the same guy and told him that he didn't like it and that he didn't want it to happen again. He has already pushed all of his friend away, b/c he doesn't want them around me. So what, now I cant even hold a conversation w/ anyone but him????
I have already escaped one controlling marriage---am I headed there again? I have asked him time and again if I have done anything that would make him distrust me and he assures me I haven't . I also asked him why he is so insecure and he says he didn't think he is. I feel like I have been put in a box for only him to get to see and speak to. He says I'm wrong, but am I?? PLEASE, help me.....I am a huge stress case, and scared to death of being controlled again!!

boocoomomma replied: Forgot one thing. He said it is disrespectful to him for me to have an in depth conversation w/ another man. Even if he is sitting right there and has every opportunity to join in.

mammag replied: I think you will have to have a conversation with him and tell him that you can't live that way and that if he doesn't ease up, you will get out. My guess is that it isn't going to change. It sounds like he has some real issues that he needs to work on and if he isn't willing then you can expect it to be more of the same.

I would also like to add that you should take a look at what is drawing you to these controlling men. I would recommend you talk to someone as well.

Sorry I couldn't be more help but the only one who can help your husband is himself.

gr33n3y3z replied: well he needs a reality check thats for sure

And controlling he is thats for sure and the sad thing is he doesnt see it.
Maybe you should talk to him about this subject and I hope it works
because the next step of a controlling man you wont like.
Is he this way with your woman friends?

boocoomomma replied:
GREAT idea. Thanks.

gr33n3y3z replied: Yes I agree talk to someone who deals with this bc you said yes to your woman friends and its a total Control problem on his behalf which could lead to other things.
Good Luck and keep us posted

moped replied: One of my close frineds is in a very similat situation with her husband........he rarely lets him see me even, even to see jack he will drive by 5 times and make sure that is where she is and phones a hundred times - I am sorry but all I see here is control and that scares me for you and her now that I am talking about it - he does the EXACT same things - men or women..........................they have tried counselling but he doesn't think he is controlling - they do not see it, cannot see that they are this way.

Please get help -

DansMom replied: Extreme jealousy and attempts to isolate you from friends and family are warning signs of an abusive/controlling personality. It may never go beyond that to abuse, but you still don't want to live the rest of your life being in that kind of marriage. It won't go away on it's own, so definitely seek help---counseling for just you, or for both of you.

mysweetpeasWil&Wes replied: I think if anyone is being disrespectful, it's him. He's being disrespectful to you to believe you should not talk to any other men other than him. You are human, you have feelings, you must communicate. And you should be allowed to have friends...even those of the opposite sex. I really don't understand what makes one believe they have the right to control another, even in marriage. I agree with everyone here - please find help. If not for both of you, maybe you can go on your own and have a professional figure out what steps to take. It's true, control is a hard trait to change. Don't blame yourself for his behavior. Best of luck - keep us posted.

kimberley replied: in my experience, most accusers are the guilty ones. have you had any signs that he has been unfaithful? it might be his guilt that is eating away at him and taking it out on you.

if it is just plain old insecurity, then you definitely need to see somone because what he is doing is very unhealthy. i am just really shocked that you haven't seen any signs of this before marriage. how long were you together? relationships are based on trust and you can't go forward together without it.

good luck and keep us posted

b&bsmom replied: I agree with the posts as well. You need to straighten things out now before it gets worse. I had seen so many ugly things happen from jealousy as a teen that when I met my husband, I worked full time in a daycare and part time in a warehouse with 4 other guys. I used to tell my husband when we were dating funny things that would happen with the guys at work and realized he was getting jealous. I told him then and there I have more guy friends then girl friends and if he can't handle it he should leave now. Well that was the end of jealousy. What is funny right now one of our best couple friends is his ex girlfriend (as a teen ) and her husband. Funny how things turn out. It was her husband who had a hard time with all of us becoming friends until he met me and he had asked if I knew how they knew each other I said yes and he said that doesn't bother you. I said no you are married and have kids we are married and have kids and I think we would make great friends and now we get together almost every week. It is funny how life works out somtimes. Hang in there and I am sure you will figure out what is best for you and your family. Good luck!

JAYMESMOM replied: He definetly has some control issues. I would suggest marriage counseling. If he can't realize his problem that may create conflicts but you don't need to live that way.

It is possible he was hurt by someone in his past and it will probably take counsling to see if he will change.

Alice replied: Run, do not walk, to a marriage counselor. I have no personal experience, but from all I've read, this sounds like a huge warning sign. Please-- go with or without your husband.