daughter is not good at sports - that about says it all

max wrote: Alright, I'll take a beating for being a typical male, but I do need advice so at least include your thoughts after you get done taking swings at me.

I grew up in a guy family, four sports, every year, our whole lives. Married a girl, Not a tomboy in any way, had two girls. The oldest is now 9, we've tried it all, gymnastics, soccer, basketball, baseball, and she's got good enough coordination and skills,

...but she just has got the aggression of a doormat. Every kid at her school and in her leagues is pretty used to picking on her, the weak link, every game.

So I don't know what to do. I've tried reasoning, and coercing, and setting goals, I've yelled and not yelled, now I'm just over it, so do I Not say a word? I'm about to the point where I just want to say what I think, "I don't really care about the craft she made or the outfit she put on her stuffed animal, whatever, there comes a time to compete and assert yourself, so she does that, and I'll keep faking an interest in the girl stuff."

People do need the truth, -- so hey, lay it on about this if you have to---... Winning counts, losing breeds losers, athletes who balance good minds with good onfield deeds get their way, & wallflowers may convince themselves they are part of the show, but really are not......

I just don't know what to tell her. The female influences in her life are all nice people, but no offense, none of them have really done much with their skills, and I want my girls to have the tools to excel out in the real world as well as in the home.

Thanks, I mean that, I am out of ideas.

-Max

luvmykids replied: Oh boy, Max. I'm not going to beat you up for your maleness because my husband is freakishly athletic and extremely competitive and assumes everyone else, or at least his kids, should be too. But you did ask for honest, so ....

Having said that, I think you sound a little harsh. I think kids can learn a lot of the lessons you're wanting your daughters to learn without it coming from sports. Aren't there other things they can excel at? And isn't the point, at her age, to be exploring and trying things and figuring out who she is growing into? You said your wife is a girly girl and not into sports, do you think she's lacking in the areas you're concerned for your daughters? How did your wife get to be who she is without sports?

And I also think you may have to accept that some people just don't have those things in their nature. I'm athletic enough to play sports but not enough to be an Olympian, I'm not at all aggressive or competitive, for me it's just fun. Does that make me a loser? Does that mean I can't stand up for myself or my beliefs/principles/values? I excel at several things and have much success in my life, if I do say so myself. I competed in sports all through school and did learn a lot from the experience, but nothing I wouldn't have learned somewhere else sooner or later.

My advice is above all else that you make sure your daughter knows you love and accept her and are proud of her no matter what. And maybe you can find a way to help her figure out what she's really about, sports or not, and pursue and excel.

BTW, not every single person is an out-in-front, in-your-face kind of star. Maybe being in the background is where she shines. Where would movies be without producers? Is she a wallflower, or is she shy and terrified being pushed that way? Is she happy with who she is? Maybe she doesn't get picked on because she's the "weak link" but because girls at that age have discovered being rotten to each other? I think ultimately her future and who she is will be determined more by her than you anyway, (same for all us parents) so instead of driving yourself crazy to make her who you think she should be let her show you who she is and wants to become.

Just my opinion. Good luck!

A&A'smommy replied: First of all welcome to the site!!!

Secondly is there a reason WHY she NEEDS to be in sports!! Why not trying something like ballet or another form of dancing is doesn't take agression I'm not sure if I'm understanding your post correctly but if you don't take interest in those little things she is going to become resentful towards you. Try ballet, or tap, or jazz or lyrical, creative movements but do not force her to play sports if she really doesn't want or isnt't that good, and if she does like it and isn't that good just let her fun!!!

kit_kats_mom replied: I wasn't competitive & I'm still not. However I have the self awareness to stand up for what I believe in & I'm quite succesful.

Recognize her skills (is she artistic, well read etc?) and lay off about the sports. There are lots of individual sports she can do & compete against herself. I have loads more to say but my dd is nursing so I'm typing 1 handed

luvmykids replied:
I have to agree with that too. You may not be an arts n crafts kinda guy, but what if that really is her thing right now? And she could interpret your lack of interest as rejection.

It sounds from your concern that you are a great dad who wants the best for his girls and wants to do the best job you can teaching and training them. But maybe you could be a little more open in how exactly thats done?

Maddie&EthansMom replied: I just couldn't have said it any better than these other ladies.

I wish you luck, though and hope you can come to accept your daughter for who she is and the talents she withholds.

On another note, my daughter is 5 and having just entered kindergarten they really encourage sports participation and enrollment. Not for the competitive-ness of it, but for the motor skills. My daughter is not athletically enclined. Unfortunately I think she takes after both her daddy and myself. But, we are good at other things and our (lack of) athletic ability does not define who we are...the same will go for our daughter.

danahas4monkeys replied: I am the mother of 2 girls and 2 boys and in our house its the opposite my older son has no interest at all in sports however our oldest daughter is in every sport known to man and honestly is terrible lol but she enjoys it and thats all that matters she is also in gymnastics cheerleading band which is where she found her niche (sp). She also is in student council scouts , I guess what I am trying to say is your daughter will find her thing and you know what it may never be sports, thats ok! She will do what makes her happy and as her parent you will support her even if its not exactly what you had in mind!

Good luck!

Dana

max replied: this is a good place, thank you all for the good thoughts.

I think what I realize so far is I know very little else. Sports and competition are still a part of our lives, it is our business as well. This is very difficult, people used to tell me it was karmic payback that I had only girls, but you just don't ever want your child to know how harsh it can become in life if you are in any way that weakest link. I think it's probably hard for some of us to imagine life without constant competition, and I should probably get used to it.

Thanks again

luvmykids replied:
Let's face it, life is full of competition. For spots in certain schools, for a slot in the dance troupe, for jobs, heck for parking spots. But the ability to deal with that can also have a lot to do with just plain character, you know? And who knows, whatever your daughters passion is, she may not ever be close to being the weakest link. She may excel and persevere so greatly that she's the best of the best, whatever it is.

Your daughter is going to be fine, and is lucky to have a dad who is so looking out for her.

huggybugboy replied: to what everyone else said.

Also, she's not stupid. Just because shes the "weakest link" as you put it in sports, doesn't mean she'd be the weakest link in something else. Maybe athletics just isn't her thing. But she can excel in so many other things.

I was the girl who walked into the gym and got hit in the head with the volley ball everytime. I swear I have a ball magnet in my head. I never played sports and I got Ds in PE (as if thats even possible ). But I still know the value of competition. I am student teaching now and am teaching my first graders to LOVE PE!!! It doesnt have to all be about winning and losing. Yeah, life has winners and losers, but just because you dont play sports, doesnt mean youre a loser.

I hope this didnt come off too harsh. I'm really glad youve joined us!

C&K*s Mommie replied: It has been repeated before but I agree with what everyone else has said, too. I think Monica (luvmykids) covneyed all of our thoughts very well.

And there will be no tomato throwing, mud slinging, or beatings here, because we are all adults and we all have varying opinions, and we come here to hear others opinions and to gather advice. Glad that you were able to see this issue from a different perspective, and I hope that you are able to now make a change on behalf of your daughter, and truly be happy that she has made a craft or dressed her animals up.

holley79 replied: Hi Max. Welcome to the site.

I didn't play "sports" in school. I rode horses. I competed though riding combined training. Three day eventing that kind of good stuff. Have you asked her daughter what she wants to do? Maybe there is something out there she would like. I don't think she has to play sports to excel in life. My younger brother never played sports. I never thought he would amount to anything but today he is a Nuke engineer with the USN amking more money then anyone in our family.

Find something that she feels comfortable doing. I think if you start bashing on her, especially at this age, she is going to have some SERIOUS self esteem issues. Then next thing you know she is in therapy blaming you for all her problems.

Just let her be her.

MamaJAM replied: Hey dad - I hate to break this to you but WINNING ISN'T EVERYTHING! So she's not 'good' at sports because she doesn't want to be competetive - big deal. She sounds like a caring, loving, nuturing person...THAT is what really matters.
Why not find what she likes and nurture that....then she'll be happy to be doing something she actually enjoys and you should be happy knowing that your child is feeling good about herself.



ftr - My oldest DD (13) is a total tomboy and loves playing sports. My middle DD (9) is actually very good at soccer - but she doesn't like playing it because it's too competetive. We let our girls pick what makes them happy....because we're raising them to be who THEY want to be -- not who WE want them to be.

ammommy replied:
Max, I have really been thinking about how to phrase this since I'm a pretty blunt person in real life. I'm going to try to take this part by part. First of all, as for faking interest. Yes, you do that because that's what a good parent does. You encourage your children to pursue their desires, not yours. Think about how disappointed your daughter must feel everytime she doesn't live up to your sports expectations. Even if you don't say anything, I guarantee that your feelings come across loud and clear. Putting it in perspective...take your feelings of disgust (because that's how I read what you have written) and multiply that by 10 to account for how a child perceives feelings and that is how your daughter probably feels everytime you set goals, yell, or look at her as "the weakest link".

Second, I'm so sorry that you feel that winning is everything because, lets face it, no one wins everytime. If they did, there would not be any competitions, would there? Someone always has to lose. It's your job as a parent to teach your child that they will not get their way every time (something that I think you are having a tough time dealing with in this situation, aren't you) but that doing your best is what counts. Step back and take a close look at the leaders in the world, your community, and even your business world. How many of them were truly athletic stars? Not many, I'm sure.

Now, as for the females influences in your daughter's life not doing much with their skills...well this one just makes me almost too angry to respond rationally but I'll try. I'm guessing that in your eyes I'm one of these useless women because I have chosen not to use my degrees in Marketing and Economics in the "real world", but have chosen to stay at home and help mold my children. Shame on you for this belief. My education and my upbringing have certainly given me the skills to excel in the real world if I should choose to do so. Frankly, I believe that I excel every day when I am able to work with our budget, find ways to keep my children learning and stimulated, and balance all of our activities with a loving and relaxing homelife.

You really need to step back and reevaluate what is important in your life. Having a sports star or a well adjusted, loving family. Like others have said, you don't need sports to learn life's lessons. I think that your heart is in the right place (I really hope so) but the way you are focusing on only one aspect of her life is just wrong.

PrairieMom replied: I just gotta say that as parents we don't get to pick and choose what our children will enjoy doing and what they will be good at. It is our JOB to let them find what they want to do and support them no matter what it is. Even if you have to fake it. and if you have to fake it, you better be a good actor so that she doesn't start to resent you.

There are lots of places your daughter can compete, such as band or debate, Soprts isn't the only place where you can come out on top.

I also have to add that throughout school I was the weakest link. (picture skinny asthmatic nerd with very few friends) and you know what? I am a stronger person for it. I have come out way ahead of the majority of the Jocks and other popular kids from my class who 10 years later still seem to be stuck in highschool.

Love and apprecieate you daughter for who she is. A fathers love and support are way more important than any trophy she could ever win.


Oh, and welcome to the board!

jcc64 replied: I have ALOT to say on this topic, for many reasons.
We are one of those high achieving, over-extended sports families. Dh and I were both multiple sport all-county high school athletes- captains of our teams, etc.. We loved sports, but not just b/c we excelled- we loved the comraderie, the friendship, the bonding- all of it. We actually met on an athletic field.
Flash forward to our own children. Not surprisingly, they are also competitive, high achieving athletes. Our family culture revolves around whatever sport season we happen to be in at the time. My husband and I both coach multiple teams, in addition to running several youth sports program in the town in which we live. It is this experience, much more than my own athletic successes, that has shaped how I look at kids and sports. I have had the occasion to witness the whole spectrum of athletic abilities and competitve styles, not to mention some pretty appalling parental behavior.
What I can say to you is that in my experience, a child learns FAR more from losing than they do from winning. Winning is easy- who needs to practice that?! But losing, well, losing really illuminates a person's true character- and maybe you're starting to learn some not so pleasant things about yourself through your daughter's perceived failings. And I say "perceived" b/c maybe to her, she isn't failing at all. Maybe she plays sports for reasons other than "the big win"- maybe she simply enjoys the social aspects of team sports. Maybe she just likes to get out there and run around after sitting behind a desk all day. Maybe she's trying to please you. Who knows, and who cares? The fact is, she's out there, doing her thing, and it's your job as a parent to support her, regardless of her athletic prowess.
As a coach, I can tell you that parent's unrealistic expectations and insecurities can really spoil a child's enthusiasm for sports and competing in general. Not everyone can be the all star pitcher. For some kids, it's simply enough to be out there on the field, being part of a team. As a coach, my biggest victories came when the most timid children gathered enough courage to place themselves in the middle of the action. The big proud smiles, the feeling of accomplishment was enough. They didn't need the first place trophy. Nor the big out-of-the-park homerun or the name in the newspaper. Just the knowledge that they did their absolute best, whatever that happened to be, was enough for them. And it should be enough for you too.

Insanemomof3 replied: Just let her be herself! If she doesn't do well in sports it's either A)She doesn't have the heart, or B)She is better at something else.

IMO, she will find something SHE wants to do and tell you. Just give her time. She is old enough to kinda know what she wants, and she just needs to be able to do what makes HER happy, not always what makes YOU happy.

MyLuvBugs replied:
WHT?!?!?! I'm sorry, but I'm not going to be as nice as the other ladies that have already posted.

First of all....HOW DARE YOU!!! You called your child, your own flesh and blood a DOORMAT??? You're her FATHER! You are supposed to love this child no matter what, and calling her a doormat is not IMO showing her love. As a parent you need to learn that your children are NOT you, they are their OWN individuals. Respect that! Just b/c she wants to study or learn music or get her hair done instead of tossing the baseball around is just fine. That's who SHE is, and you as her FATHER should learn to respect that and encourage her to excell in the things that SHE likes to do, NOT the things that YOU want her to do.

SECOND...WINNING does NOT always count. Losing DOES NOT breed Losers, and Athletes are NOT the top of the line. Some of the top athletes of our time have been some of the BIGGEST loosers, and worst roll-models you will ever find. Drug addicts, alcoholics, wife beaters, criminals, etc. is what most of our "top" athletes have become over the years. There are VERY few of them that I would even consider as a roll-model for children. Athletes are NOT perfect individuals. NO ONE is perfect, and trying to convince yourself that your child must be a perfect athlete will only ruin your relationship with her. Trust me! My father was exactly like you. I HAD to play basketball and Volleyball and Archery. And I grew to HATE him for it. It's taken years of yelling and fighting, but he and I finally have a descent relationship now. But it took YEARS. Is that what you want with your children?

Third....Some of the greatest minds and most successful people in the world, have been wallflowers. Bill Gates, Albert Einstein, Eleanor Roosevelt, Pavoratti, David Blaine....Your daughter will find her own path, and it's your job has her father to guide her, NOT to force her into different things that don't interest her. Maybe she'll be interested in music, or speech and drama, or art, or dance. But let it be HER decision NOT yours.

jcc64 replied: Eleanor Roosevelt was a wallflower??????!!!!!!

MyLuvBugs replied:
When she was a kid. Yep. I had to do a report on her when I was in college. She didn't get to do much until she an older teen (18, 19) and in her early 20's. And then her MIL forced her to stop her charity work and stuff for quite awhile, and she was having babies etc. , then she had a break-down in her 30's or maybe it was her 40's and decided to do stuff for herself to make her happy, and got back into charity work. And look at all the wonderful things she accomplished.

I guess my statement about the great minds being wallflowers was more when they were children. Although some still are.

jcc64 replied: She's a fascinating historical figure to me, although I don't have a very nuanced understanding of her life. Honestly, I see her as a Hillary Clinton archetype. People at the time had the same visceral reaction to her, and yet, in retrospect, she was a revolutionary woman whom many people now admire.

max replied: fascinating,

I'm sorry I made a few of you mad, but I do stand by what I wrote, and it is not that winning is everything, but it does count.

And I would not put a strong athletic upbringing past so many of today's leaders, almost all of today's successful people have competed on a variety of levels, it gave them the fortitude to rise above the rest.

We are not talking about winning championships, but having the heart of a winner, which I just cannot find a way to instill in my daughter. Win or lose, you must throughout your life at least try to succeed no matter what you do. Gates competed at his level. Roosevelt was tough as hell inside. Blaine is an entrepreneur, and that takes more guts than most CEOs have who still work for someone else.

The more you fold up, the easier it gets to do, and I still do not know how to teach a child that life is going to be tough, so stand up and play like a winner at all times. At some point all of our parents stopped coddling us as well. So I'd like to ask the coach, are there ways to teach a kid not to let their team, their friends, and their own potential down?

C&K*s Mommie replied: What about this question posed yesterday?

As long as you are a strong man in her life (possibly the kind she hopes the man she marries will be like), and you give her the room to flourish, she will turn out to be a strong independent woman. Probably better than you could have imagined. Instill the basics in her, but leave the sports pressure alone for ahwhile until she approaches you.

Best wishes.

luvmykids replied:
[COLOR=red]
I guess my point is why can't she try non-athletic things and still be considered a success? Isn't success not necessarily coming out on top but also trying hard, persevering, giving it your best? I agree that if you choose to pursue something you should want to succeed, but it doesn't seem like she's allowed to choose what she will be successful at. Couldn't art lessons be considered a success if she didn't like her first painting but stuck with it and loved her next one? Isn't that success?

Maybe she wouldn't fold if she wasn't being so pressured and forced. I said it before, maybe if it was something she is interested in and wants to pursue she would put more effort into it.

And at 9 years old, reassurance, support and a pat on the back for effort instead of outcome is not "coddling".

MyLuvBugs replied:
Winning is not everything, and it does count but definately NOT all the time. I myself am a competitor on many levels, but I also know that children as well as adults MUST do what makes them happy in order to succeed in life. Just because winning makes YOU happy, does not mean that it will make your daughter happy. Please try to understand that.

She needs to do what makes her happy, and when she does she'll blossom and succeed. If coloring in a book alone in a corner makes her happy, then so be it. I was like that for the first 8 years of my life. Some kids just like to sit and reflect on the world around them. But you have to remember she is NOT you. And competition and winning are not important to everyone.

She sounds like a VERY compassionate and loving child. Maybe she'll want to be a nurse or Doctor, or a Judge, or the next mother Theresa and help people. But don't pressure her into things that she doesn't like, and learn to realize that kids just want to be happy and have fun. Pressuring them with stuff takes all the fun out of it, and then she won't learn anything from the experience.

My best advice, if you want to your child to have the "heart of a winner", is to believe in her. To me, it sounds like you've given up on her either b/c she's not a sports freak, or a boy, or something. You have to be there and believe in your kids. Make them happy and they will succeed.

Insanemomof3 replied: It really sounds like to me you are PUSHING her to hard to be a success at things that maybe she doesn't care for. IMO, that is wrong. You really need to let her be her, not you. I just feel you are being a little harsh.

Do you put her down? Do you say things to her like she won't amount to anything? or that if she doesn't do ____ she won't make it in the world?

max replied:
Well, to be honest, yes, I think that the lack of sports participation by my wife, her brother and sisters has handicapped them in some ways. Their parents did not push them at all.

Not as far as being a good people, they are all very nice, but having the memories, opportunities, team building perspective, individual success record, and other things that might have made them feel more successful about themselves today. Even just some memories of comraderie would be cool to know they had---- I kind of think that if you look around at anyone you know, those that are driven to achieve anything, whether it is a good PTA program or Girl Scout Troop or junior soccer team or run a marathon, they all seem to have some background where they had to show fortitude and heart to overcome something tough. Sports seem to be the common denominator around us, maybe it's different in cities or suburbs or other areas of the country.

Insanemomof3 replied: HANDICAPPED THEM????!?!?!?!?!? I do NOT agree.


Why not just ask your DAUGHTER what SHE would LIKE to do??? If she wants to be in plays? Take her to your local theatre and have her try out. If she is good at that, then she will learn team work etc....

punkeemunkee'smom replied: Max~ I have only one question for you with your incredibly archaic veiws of useless women and doormat children: What Major league/professional sports team is it that you play for? I guess I must have missed it in your post.

Insanemomof3 replied: Good one Abbie. And another question. What do you do for a job, if you are NOT a professional sports player?

luvmykids replied:
Your wifes parents didn't push them, but were they happy kids?

I'm sorry, I mean this in a very nice way and I've enjoyed your input but I have many many memories, am a great team player, comeraderie, and individual successes. Yes I played sports, but honestly looking back at all the other things I did too, I got those benefits from all of them.

I've personally had to use fortitude and heart many many times and I can honestly thank my parents, not athletics, for instilling that in me.

jcc64 replied: I have seen kids with all sorts of abilities and competitive styles, and while skills can be acquired and refined, the true competitive "fire" of which I believe you are speaking, can really only come from within. I have 2 sons, both of whom are natural born athletes. However, as I have watched them compete over the years, it has become obvious to me that one will "succeed" more in the competitive arena mainly b/c he has an innate, unquenchable competitiveness that energizes him and gives him yet another physical and mental advantage. He will kill himself every time to make a play. He eats, sleeps, breaths game time strategy. He gets this "look" in his eyes when playing-a focus, an almost single-mindedness that propels him to win, or die trying. I believe this is what you are hoping for in your daughter. I have seen it many times in other kids I've coached, and yes, they tend to be the better athletes in a literal sense. However, every personality trait has it's flip side, and these kids, including my own son, have a tendency to not be the most graceful losers, or winners, for that matter. When his team loses, my son spends far too much time complaining to me privately about the failings of his teammates, which absolutely infuriates me. To me, he does not have "the heart of a winner" , b/c his sportsmanship sucks, to be blunt. To me, good sportsmanship trumps all else, and until he learns that, he is not a true "winner" in my mind, and has much to learn. It's why I'm grateful each and every time he loses. Because he has yet to understand that a chain is only as strong as the weakest link. He needs to learn how to strengthen that weak link, by being supportive and gracious to those who are less "gifted" than he is. I would much rather have a kid on my team who is in the dug-out encouraging his teammates, supporting them and lifting them up, than a self involved, cocky superstar anyday. Maybe your daughter is a nurturer. Maybe that's the role she was born to play. The point is, you can't bully her into having what is essentially an innate personality trait. If she's not a born competitor, you can still encourage her to give her best every time. I think the problem you're having is accepting the fact that her "best" isn't quite good enough for you. If her teammates are "let down" by her inadequacies, as you believe, then perhaps they, like my son, need to learn how to behave on a team.
While many leaders and CEOs may have been leaders on the athletic field as well, there are thankfully many more ways other than sports to exhibit leadership potential as we grow up. She will learn the lessons elsewhere, if that is her destiny. In the meantime, let her enjoy just being a kid running around with a ball on a field. I guarantee you won't regret it.

C&K*s Mommie replied:

You have a hot topic on your hands, here. I hope you will not disappoint, and keep answering our questions.

~Roo'sMama~ replied: Forgive me for being blunt, but you seem to be incredibly small minded. You don't need to play sports to have the heart of a winner, and you don't need to be an aggressive, competitive jerk to be a winner either.

If what you really want is for your daughter to be happy and successful in life, the way you can help her is to believe in her, and tell her that you will support her whatever she chooses to do with her life. You can teach her to go after her dreams and never give up without forcing her into something she just plain doesn't want to do - and doesn't need to do.

And just because she isn't aggressive playing sports doesn't mean she is destined to be a doormat. Have you ever considered that the reason she's not aggressive is because she just doesn't care about the games you're making her play? Find something that she's actually interested in and encourage her in that -- you might be surprised.

jcc64 replied:

Sing it, sister!!!!!!!!!!

TANNER'S MOM replied: Do you know how many people in this world who are good normal church going benefit to society people..who never played sports. That doesn't make them less of what they are.

I am a mother of 4. Everyone at my home is so different. Some play sports, some don't, Some love drama and some love bull riding. But that does not make one any less than the other.

I have one daughter who can run a horse and turn a corner on a barrel and never even move her seat an inch..and another who would perfer to never have to run at all..does that make one better than another.

I thought parental love was about acceptance..and being proud no matter.

I am a southern gal..and my Granny used to have a saying..Every old Crow thinks hers is the blackest.. Meaning your child should be the end all be all of your existence.

My granny had kids who were house wifes, truck drivers, accountants, and one lawyer..do you think she made one bit of difference... ANd which one do you think was the quarter back of the high school foot ball team.. You guess it.. the truck driver. Nothing wrong w/ being a truck driver..but it didn't make him a better more educated person.

I am blown away. I am sorry that you mind is so closed to your daughters needs and feelings. In my opionion this has nothing to do with her..but is all about you!

max replied: Yes, we did benefit from athletics, through college, then into coaching, now into publishing for the sport, but it never had nor has much to do with juniors.

She picks her own sports. Yes, she's in the school play. Girl Scouts, accelerated academic programs etc., so she's living her own life as much as a kid that age gets too---

But I still cannot find the angle through which to motivate her to understand this concept of competitive edge. One of you said you did not like your father for making you play sports, but that's one side of it, who's to say he wasn't right?

It seems the mother generally gets the cultural side of rearing and the father gets the mechanical/physical side, and if you love your kids, don't you want them to have a full range of skills? Boy or girl? Backing off from some tough lessons now might just end up robbing them of being able to have the life they want later.

luvmykids replied:
Ok, thought you were getting it .....


I know you mean well.

TANNER'S MOM replied:
Who says sports is the only way to compete. My daughter hasn't played sports in years. She loves to academically compete. She debates etc. She doesn't need a ball, or a team to excel. She was raised to believe in her self..to go for what she wants. But it has nothing to do with the fact that she played T Ball when she was 4...it is about the love she has at home. About how we have excepted her no matter ..and how even in TBALL when she struck out..we were still her parents..and still loved her. If she strikes out in life..and something goes wrong..we will be there for her..b/c we are her parents..and she knows that.

gr33n3y3z replied: My daughter has been playing soccer for 4 years now and she never had a competitive oe aggessive side of her until this year she found it on her own.

I would watch these games and say to myself Katie go and get that ball ... dont let them walk on you ...... be aggressive lol
This year she gave it her all and she has learned all those things on her own and I feel kids will learn those on their own at their own pace.

Its ok to guide the kids but not to mold them into what you want

Edited to say Katie is 12

Insanemomof3 replied: Hmmm still no answers to the questions that Abbie and I asked. Kinda funny.

I am a mother. My husband HATES sports. I love them. If...IF my kids want to play sports. GREAT. But competing is NOT only sports. Plus, isn't basketball, baseball etc...JUST A GAME???? If they win, great. If they lose, fine. IT is NOT about winning. It is about HAVING FUN. I think that people lose that in a lot of ways. A person is supposed to ENJOY playing the game, not be so competetive that the fun in it is totally lost.

BAC'sMom replied: Welcome aboard!

Let me introduce myself I am a mom of 3, 2 boys and 1 girl. I was not going to even post on this issue; the other ladies did a fairly good job. However, I changed my mind.
My father was just like you, he coached Track, Cross County, and Football for 35 plus years at the High School Level. He was also a teacher, Southwest conference winner in Pole Vaulting, and holds several state titles, state records. The man lived and breathed sports!! I am the youngest of his 5 kids, 2 boys and 3 girls. Out of the 5 of us, 2 of his children went to the Junior Olympics and 3 received College Scholarships. Sports were crammed down our throats all our lives. “Winner never quit and Quitters never win” I can still hear him yelling, you see I recent the hell out of my father because he was such a sports hard a**. And so do the rest of his children, out of the 5 of us ONLY one has anything to do with him. The man is seventy years old has Alzheimer’s and will die alone because he always cared more about sports than he did his own kids or their feelings.


You need to support your daughter now in whatever she chooses to do, other wise she might grow up and be a bitter 37 year old women like me. Sports aren’t everything… I know that is a real shocker.
I see people like you every year during youth basketball + baseball, yelling and screaming at their kids. So here’s a newsflash “Your Little League career is over, so stop trying to force your child down the same road!

CantWait replied: I think these ladies have said it well enough. Lay off. It sounds to me as if you wished you had boys instead. That being said, even boys aren't gaurenteed to like sports and excel at them. Are you trying to live vigariously though your daughter? Did you once excel then had to remove yourself from the sports scene? I'm sure your daughter has other talents, and whether or not you like them, you need to start recognizing them before it's to late, and before you distance yourself from her.

MamaJAM replied:
There are plenty of ways to compete that have nothing to do with sports. If she's good in school - what about spelling bees - science fairs - poety contests. Since you said she's in scouts - how about working on badges on her own.

And as far as your comment about what mothers and fathers teach their kids...what a load of chauvinistic crap! I was in sports all of growing up -- my DH never played on a sport team in his life. We were both very good students. He's got a computer-mind....I'm much more mechanical (I'm the one who wears the toolbelt in this family).
I don't think not participating in sports harmed my DH in any way, shape, or form. From the age of 8 - he's been working on/with the latest computer technology....that's what made him happy (and now - that's what pays the bills).
In the same way - I don't think the fact that I was into sports makes me a better person. It just means that I played sports.
DH and I bring plenty to the 'parenting-table'.

I don't think that by letting your DD quit sports you are 'backing away' from any 'tough issues' -- I think that by not forcing her to participate in a sport she doesn't really enjoy you are showing her that her feeling matter. By encouraging her to do what makes her happy - you are not 'ribbing' her of anything...you are teaching her that SHE MATTERS.
Your children are NOT little versions of yourself....they are caring, thinking people with their own lives to pursue.