children of seperation or divorce - anyone one of them??

luvbug00 wrote: I need some Major help here. Mya asked for a talk last night and expressed her want for her father and i to someday get back together. I told her that he has decided to make a life with his girlfriend and they are having a baby and so it is not possible. She was ok with that answer, no tears. But then she started talking about wanting to be home more. ( home being here). She also was saying how she didn't undrestand why Tabitha and Lars would help me and daddy when we were telling her what to do. I tried to explain that their jobs where to help us try and guide you to become a good person. That even though she may want to say "your not my mom or dad" That they were only trying to help. She was ok with that answer too. But what i wan't prepaired for was my asking about her readyness for the baby and she said she wasn't happy about it and didn't care. I then asked what she wanted to do. Her reply was she wanted to be with me. I said if she ever wanted to come home then to just tell her dad and call me.(unfortunately she has a long weekend there this week.) All of Brads moving and his quick and unstable relationship with his GF and then the baby is causing mya to hate them. I'm trying to do the building up of brad, make him look like an angel. But i honestly am surprised she is seeing the light so soon. i don't knoe if i mentioned it but he is really slacking as a parent the closer we are getting to the due date. I only expect it to get worse. So now what should i do? I'm kinda at a loss.

boyohboyohboy replied: i am a child from divorced parents....
and i dont talk to my step brothers and sisters..well havent ever treid too. and as i have gotten older i have wondered about them from time to time.

IMHO, I wouldnt give her an "out" by telling her she can home if she wants to when its her time with her dad. she might just not be liking the baby right now because she sees it as the reason her mom and dad are not getting back together.
also she has been daddys little girl and now has to share the position.

she is going to have to work out her relationship with her dad and decide between the two of them what that is going to be like, but at her age I just think she is to young to get to decide she wants to leave everytime she feels uncomfortable or worse if she starts to use it anytime her dad has to correct her.

its hard being a kid, but she will find a way to work thru that, once the baby comes if they make her a part of it and their life she should settle in ok.

luvbug00 replied:
that's a big part of the problem, since they found out they were pregnant BOTH mya and tyler ( the gf son) have both been pushed to the wayside. You caould see it very clearly on the night of mya hospital certificate presentation. Tyler especially was ignored and treated unkindly by his mom. When you walk into thier homes there is so sign of older children just of the baby.

it's hard not to give her an out. i don't want her to be somewhere where she is gonna be ignored.

punkeemunkee'smom replied: I am a child of divorced biological parents and of families in each of their lives afterwards.My mom hated my dad! Many of your posts about Brad could be her typing.... I am not trying to be rude or a smart^%% but I will promise you that your dislike for Brad and his girlfriend and this baby is obvious to Mya. In all honesty you and Brad both moved very quickly into new relationships. YOu have discussed many times on here your desire to have a baby with Lars as well. If she is questioning the roles that each of your GF/BF are taking in her life it is quite possible that she is not comfortable enough with either of them to have them in control of her. I am not a believer in a new SO having disiplinary control over the children until a stable relationship has been formed....I am sorry but from what you have posted on both sides I don't think that has been reached yet. I think it is natural for Mya to resent the new people in both you and Brad's lives-you have to remember her life changed too. It continues to change with her having no real control over it. You may want to look at the possibility that she was using Brad and Tabitha as an example to you to show you how unhappy she will be if you continue to try to push the conception issue in your relationship. Don't get me wrong...kids will (and do) adjust,alot of times all these things turn out for the better, but I really think maybe you should look at the possibility that



those feelings can run both ways. If she feels like she is being pushed to the back burner by both new relationships and then new babies (on both sides)...I understand you want to move on with your life as Brad has but you are the one who has Mya's intrests to care for 24/7 not just every other weekend.

luvbug00 replied:

I beg to differ on that. Lars and i were friends for 5 months before we even started dating. Her dad moved in with his GF durring our seperation. Mya also has no ideas of my wants for another baby. She has commented on the issue,becuase of the pregnancy on the otherside and has expressed excitement over the idea of "when we get pregnent".
I asked her blaintently to tell me if she feels uncomfortable with lars being too forward. she has said she somtimes doesn't like it but she is ok with it. She knows he doesn't have any kids and is still learning to ajust to her as she is to him. She has never expressed to anyone any dislike or resentment tward lars. She came to her own conclusion it is Tabithas fault for Brad and my seperation and this babies fault for no reuinion. She's a smart kid. i just thought it would take alot longer for her to figure it out. ( like 10 years or more)

Oh i hate Brad with a passion. But with her arround I ALWAYS build him up. I read that it was important that i do that in order for her not to resent me later.

luvmykids replied:
I think next time you talk about it you could sort of revise that, and tell her that you and Brad both decided you would be better apart...you don't want to give her the impression that Brad left you two, even if that is what happened imho she is too young to have to digest that and try to deal with it.

I agree with a lot of what Abbie and Stacey said. I know Brad is far, far from ideal but he IS her dad and although he sounds less than great I don't think he's done anything to warrant cutting off her relationship with him. I know that isn't your intent, but it seems headed that way with the way you feel about him and wanting to give her an out. I totally understand why you want to, but like Stacey said, at her age it really isn't a choice.

When DH and I first had the twins, Nikka didn't want to come over a lot but she didn't have a choice, she is the child and was not going to decide she did or didn't feel like coming over at any certain time.

I'm a child of divorce, my situation was a little different in the sense that my dad moved halfway across the country so some of these things weren't an issue. But my mom never did anything but encourage our relationship, and although my dad is less than stellar I was an adult before I ever heard anything negative from her. There was always a nagging feeling though, like she was really struggling with not telling me how she really felt about him.... I know you tried to make Brad look good but I think like Abbie said, your feelings towards him are SO strong that it probably shows in ways you don't realize. Nobody faults you for that, it's just something to really try to work on and be aware that she probably picks up on it.

It's hard, I know, and nobody blames you for how you feel towards him, and I think you're really trying hard to do what is best for Mya, your feelings aside

punkeemunkee'smom replied: Like you said Mya is a smart child...I am just giving you thoughts coming from the same place as she is. I have BTDT and have the t-shirt. If Mya has expressed not liking Lars disiplining her then as her mother I think you need to put a stop to it. At 7 years old they are going to be 'OK' with things to keep the peace and to make you happy. Please once again Nadia don't think I am being rude or unfeeling but little ears hear big things......You should really look into the possiblities that Mya knows all about you and Lars discussions (most kids pick up on all of that) Maybe she has heard you discussing it with a friend or read it over your shoulder (little sneeks that they are ) I know to you-you and Lars were 'just friends' for 5 months but to Mya he was in both of your lives and now is your boyfriend so the just friends part doesn't equate.

Kaitlin'smom replied: well I cant say I know your susitation but both my sisters have childeren from a previous marriage when they re-married, and I have observed ALOT. With the oldest my sister never talked negitive about her ex, but never built him up either, she just let things happen as they did, she was the one who had the BF in and out of her life, and my nephew stayed with my parents alot due to mom having to work at night so his stability came from us not really his parents until she finally settled down even then the new 'parent' did not go over well once they had kids together yes he was pushed aside in the begining and he was resentful at first but everyone had to find the adjustment. As for his father he also did settle down after while and once more kids came in same thing however it never settled down he was always made to feel less than worthy by his father and he decided to stop seeing him, he even wanted to change his name, but his mom talked to him and told him while seeing his father was his choise (he was 14) he could not change his name until he was old enough to do so on his own, she did not encourage him to stop and told him to really think about it, she also did not force him and gave him the out if he wanted or needed it.

its almost like walking a tight rope, you have to be careful what you say and how you act kids are smart and even if you build him up they know. personaly if it were me I would give he the out but stop building him up, that could also backfire. If she wants to talk about him let her talk weither good or bad try and put your feeling on him aside and listen to her and then try and just give short simple answers as to not lead her either direction.

I wont even go into the other sister....

luvbug00 replied:
a VERY tigh rope! no i understand what you are trying to say. I guess I'm having a hard time articulating what the differance is in lars's disaplineing and Tabithas. Lars is a follwer. he never has said to mya to do somthing he just supports what i say. he has never yelled at her or anything like that. Tabs does yell and she commands. so i that is why i don't have a problem with him doing it.

grandma replied:
That good advice!

Cece00 replied:
She has misplaced anger. Its NOT Tabitha's fault for your break up, and its NOT this baby's fault you arent getting back together. Its all on her father. You need to correct her. I do NOT mean badmouthing her father, btw- I mean you need to tell her its not Tabitha & the babies fault.

Perhaps you should encourage her to speak with her father about how she feels. He may not be so aware of it, esp if you've been the one down his throat telling him how awful he is- he may need to hear it from HER.

Also- you cant give her an "out". Legally, if he gets visitation set by the courts, you will be in contempt if you take her home without his permission or refuse to let her go.

You need to find a way to encourage her to build a relationship with her father. She's a child, she doesnt get to make that choice to go or not to go (legally) most esp @ 7 yrs old.

I think counseling for her would be a good idea.

Maddie&EthansMom replied: That's such a hard situation. I'm so sorry you are going thru this Nadia. I wish I had some advice, but I've never dealt with this situation. I think just reassuring her that she will always be your number one and that you will never leave her will help her. Who knows what kids are really thinking and what they need to hear. GL hun.

Hillbilly Housewife replied: My parents are divorced. I was 10ish, my brother was 4ish.

We were forced to see our dad until I was about 13... then I didn't want to go anymore, because he had a new girlfriend and she tried to buy me stuff all the time to make me like her. My brother couldn't care less...at that time..or so we thought... he never saw my dad again, except for about 20 mintues at my wedding. From across the church. Me.. I didn't really talk to my dad until I was 18... because although my mom NEVER spole badly of him, I was smart enough, and my brother was smart enough, to figure out what a jerk he really was....

my mom never made me go... but she always made ME tell my dad that I didn't want to go, and why.

luvbug00 replied:

I do actually feel it is patialy Tabitha's fault. ( it is most certinly NOT the babies fault) . Mya doesn't have a relationship where she can talk to him. I've tried that when even he and i were together. She doesn't feel comfortable doing it. well since nothing is legal yet i can give her the out and I probaly will until i legaly can't. I just can't bear the thought of her being ignored and wanting to come home. Fortunately the coise to not go in this state she has to be 11. But i think she may feel better about going if it isn't so often. But i do have her counceling at school with a group of kids of seperated parents called the banana splits they have been helpful friends to her.

thanks for everyones help.

mummy2girls replied:
why do you feel its her fault? Just curious. I use to at first blame arons attitude towards me lately by bea. ( his GF) everytime he is in teh same room as her when he is on teh phone with me he talks very snotty to me( i know she is in the room because i hear her talking) . and other things came up and i blamed her BUT in reality i realized that it isnt her fault. Its aron for falling into her trap and becominga snot towards me. she doesnt sit there and hold a gunt o his head and demandhe is snotty to me he just decides to do it. Brad left you and mya as horrible as that is and i know the pain because aron left us. he chose to abadon his fatherly duties in many ways. he is old enough to make his own desicions and when it comes to his child what he does is HIS fault not hers... its a tough situation and a sad one but us mothers have to do what si best for teh kids even though we not agree with it at times...

luvmykids replied:
I can totally see why you'd feel that, but it really isn't her fault, it's his and his alone....he's a big boy, made the decision. With someone like him, if it wasn't her it would have been someone else

holley79 replied: Well I am going to speak from the "other woman" side of this and the daughter of a divorcee.

My mom didn't bring men in and out of our lives. She would go on dates when we were visiting my granny. She didn't live with my step dad till she knew what kind of man he was going to be and they got married. My mom never bad mouthed my brother/ sister's dad with them in the same house. She was totally over him. If anyone had any good reason to bad mouth and keep her children away from a man, my mom did. Their "father" didn't have anything to do with them after the divorce till they were in their teens. They went and visited him once and never went back. My mom allowed them to form their own opinions of their "father".

Shawn and I dated for 5 months before I even met Brandon. I felt it was in the best interest of the child not to interfered with his dad/ son relationship till I knew there was a relationship between Shawn and I. Doesn't mean I cared any less for Shawn. Shawn and I did move in with one another and lived together before we got married. Brandon was with us when his mother allowed him to be with us. (Even if there is a court order you have to have proof the other parent is not complying.) Brandon's mother never spoke ill about me in front of him. She did blamed me for Shawn and her not getting back together. (They had been divorced for 5 years!) Brandon never resented me but he became distant from me. I found out years later it was because of the body language of his mom when he would talk about what him and I did together over the weekend, i.e. the zoo, shopping, things like that. He knew his mother didn't approve so he felt "ashamed" of what we did. It doesn't matter if you speak ill of them or not, they "feel" it. I was never involved in the discipline. Bran and I did "talk" when he was disrespectful because he was in "our" home. He was very included in the "our".

I also never had "The Talk" with Brandon. IMO Lars is much too involved with Mya but that is just me. I had a #$&*^ first step dad and I don't trust me. If something were to happen between Shawn and I would there be any way in Hades another man would have any portion or explain anything about Birds and Bees.

As for having a baby. She isn't going to care about who is having the child. She is not going to be happy about it. She loves both of you and that is evident in her wanting you and Brad back together. She knows you are wanting to have another baby.



IMHO this was NOT the correct answer. The one Shawn always used with Brandon was, "Your mom and I were not able to live together. We both love you and we both want what is best for you but we will be able to make you happier living apart."

If you and Brad can be civilized with one another would be the best for Mya. It is easier said then done but instead of Mya coming back in 15 years and blaming both of you for her issues they need to be nipped in the bud now by BOTH of you.

Cece00 replied:
Its not her fault. At all. What she did may be wrong, but NO ONE held a gun to his head. Its not her fault, and you need to stop thinking that way.

Giving her an out, rather than helping her to actually fix the problem, is like putting a bandaid on a gunshot wound. You are actually making it worse by not getting this to a point where its doable for her. She HAS to learn to deal with this- everyone has to deal with things they dont want in life, you are sending her the wrong message.

YOU need to talk to her father, and not in a "You are such an a$$****" way, which I am sure is hard, but neccessary.

And when I say counseling, I mean with a psych or something. What she is in is good, but she needs a real counselor to deal with this- its a pretty major thing.

Boo&BugsMom replied:
Nadia, I'm on the other side of the fence and I think it's a good idea to give her that option to come home if she needs to. That's JMO though. I wouldn't want my child somewhere where she was truly unhappy and neglected. Furthermore, if my child was somewhere that caused him/her anxiety, I wouldn't want to purposefully leave my child in that situation. You can't "make" her feel comfortable, know what I mean? She has to become comfortable on her own terms. Her feelings matter most, and I think that is all you have in mind is her best interest. Forcing a relationship when one side feels very uncomfortable does not do any good. My mom is like that between me and my grandfather (I didn't meet him until I was 16, for certain reasons...long story) and it only drives me further away.

I think you are doing a good job by not bad mouthing Brad to her. It takes a strong and amazing person to do that.

holley79 replied:
But on the flip side of that you have to make sure it is not just because she is not getting her way and that is the reason she is wanting to come home.

austins mom replied: im the mother of two step kids. when i met my dh they were 3 and 5. now they are 13 and 15. my son is 8. when my step daughter was little she was spitful. she would only be nice when she wanted something. as they have gotten older they have both learned that im not there to make there life harder. the only prob i have now is the typical teenager mouth from the oldest step son. its taken me a while for them to learn that im here for them also.. so from my experience on the step parent side. you just have to be there for her.

as for the new baby. i know thats hard for her. when my son was born my step kids were very needy of there farther. but it was even harder for them. my dh ex wife has a son who is 1 yr and a few days younger than my son. so not only were they dealing with daddys new baby but then mommys new baby.

so fo you i would just be there for her. try to answer her questions. and be as honest as you can. hope it gets better for you.

luvbug00 replied:

I'm not going to LIE to her. I'm not going to sugar coat it. I'm also not going to bad mouth him.


he decided to make a life with tabitha
they stuipedly decided to have a baby (who i feel VERY sorry for along with tyler)
and there is no way i am going back with him.

I didn't say he left us for them
I didn't say he choose them over us
I mearly said he decided that he wanted to be "happy" ( which he is not) with tabitha and their starting a family.

Boo&BugsMom replied:
No need to explain. It sounds a lot like what my cousin has gone through with her daughter and her ex-husband. His new GF is a pill, to say the least. She is a good kid, doesn't get in much trouble. If she visits over there she usually ends up crying because his GF treats her like garbage. Her father isn't all that great either, pretty dead beat and doesn't make the effort to see her. My cousin would love her to have a relationship with her father, but his stupidity, immaturity, and his stupid pill of an illegal alien (another long post I wont get into...she is basically hiding out in order to stay in the country ) girlfriend who throws things at her daughter and swears at her doesn't make for a pleasant experience when she visits. They also had another child not long ago (the dad and his GF). Perhaps this isn't exactly what Mia goes through, but being that I have seen my cousin's situation, I would never force a relationship or make Mia go or stay over there if she doesn't want to. She needs any kind of stability she can get and her feelings right now are fragile. And if stability means rescueing her from an uncomfortable situation, then so be it.

I also don't think you told her the wrong things when she asked why you and Brad can't be together. It wasn't bad mouthing him, it was being truthful. Kids need to know the truth. It was HIS choice to leave you and have another baby with his GF, not yours. That's reality. Perhaps she should ask Brad why he made the choice he did. Ok, maybe not, but I think I made my point. Kids shouldn't be sheltered from the truth, or else when they are older they will have much more resentment and hatred. I just believe in being totally honest, and not sugar coating things. The truth is the truth. JMO.

luvmykids replied:
JMHO, to me that is still indirectly saying he did leave you two for her...while that may be the case, I think thats more than she needs to know right now. It still puts blame on him, which he may deserve, but it doesn't exactly sound like a neutral statement to me. But again, jmho

It sounds like you are still very hurt and/or angered by the way things went down, which is 100% understandable. I think you just have to be careful not to let that affect how you handle this, kwim?

holley79 replied:
As I agree with being honest to your children but when child are young an impressionable they don't need to be told they were "left". My DH never told Brandon the truth about the divorce until he was about 15 or 16. The truth of it was DH got off the boat, found Brandon's mom in bed with another man and engagement papers. Brandon's mom was under investigation by the state of CA and took off with Brandon. That is the truth. Do you think a 5-10 year old needs to hear this about his mother??

I think telling them you both love them and can be happier apart and provide better for them this way then it is a much better place for the child. JMO.

Cece00 replied:
I agree with both of these ladies.

Boo&BugsMom replied:
I agree Holley. I didn't mean it to sound like she should tell him that "Brad left them", but I do not think it's a bad choice for her to say "Daddy decided that it would be better if me and him were not together anymore". Details do not need to be made aware of (cheating per say), as a child this young wouldn't understand to the fullest extent, however, if a parent decided to leave the other parent, I just do not think that telling the honest truth about who made what choices are bad. To me, there is a difference between being honest and truthful versus bad mouthing. Brad made that choice, and now he has to live with that outcome. That is what happens when you screw around...you pay the penalties, and sometimes that penalty is hefty. Sometimes the truth hurts.

Mommy2BAK replied: So many opinions! Sorry Nadia, I didn't read through EVERY response to you but I just wanted to add my . I think you are doing a great job with Mya, that is awesome that she feels like she can talk to you about Brad, some kids feel scared to talk about the other parent b/c they don't want their mom to get mad at their dad. I'm sure that the way Mya is feeling about Lars disciplining her is completely normal! And she is 7 years old... IMO that is old enought for her to make her own observations, so by you telling her truth and but yet not bashing Brad, you are doing the best thing for her. If all you did was sugar coat Brad and that situation she may begin to feel like she can't talk to you about it, because maybe you don't see what she sees. I hope what I said makes sense. My parents are divorced and I have delt wth Larry coming into Blakely's life in a role of step-parent, so I understand your situation.

luvbug00 replied: I very much appriciate everyones opinion. I just suppose the best way to sum it all up is. Mya's dad doesn't deserve any help in making excuses for what he has chosen to do. To abandon his family. I will not lie to Mya but i won't give her the details unless she asks when she is an adult. I feel that it's ok to give Lars some control over her. We live in his house and use things bought with his money. He also is my boyfriend and needs to build a relationship with her and he's not going to do that by not having a voice in helping her make the right desisions. He and i agree we'd rather mya be mad at him for a day for saying no, rather then a lifetime for saying nothing at all. When i am not there she is to listen to him. They have to earn eachothers respect and they aren't goning to do it if he can't praise and construcitvely disapline her equally. He already respects her and loves her dearly and he reminds her of that every day. But he is an adult and knows that when she is mad or upset with him she still loves him. Mya is gonna take a while to fully understand that his showing of love is threw guidance.