adult children living at home - where to draw the line with adult kids

parentinganadult wrote: Hi:
Are there others out there who have grown children living and home and while you want to support and encourage them to get an education, you're frustrated when you hear "I'm 21, you can't tell me what to do"? Except that I am useful as a source of food and money! I'd like to toss out a couple of issues I'm dealing with for your input. Is there anyone else in this situation?
thanks!
parentinganadult

luvbug00 replied: welcome! I'm Nadia mom to Mya who is 5.

well I can't give you the parent perspective but I can give you the adult who will be living at home perspective. I'm 23 and will be moving home very soon. I lived at home until I was 21 with my daughter. I have a high school education and refuse to go further because to be honset I just stink at school and I found my passion lies elsewhere. I have been fortunate enough to turn my passion into a small company.When at home my parents also made sure that I had a part in household chores, I cooked ( and soon will cook again) all dinners and kept up my room and did any extra chores they requested. I also paid a very small "rent" fee ( which really went into savings for my daughters college fund) . Since it was their house I will have to follow thier rules no matter how old I am. I only plan to stay temporarly but My parents have always been pushers of my independance and whenI got sick of listening to them I got out!
Oh and my parents never gave me any money without expecting to be paid back.

hope this helps a little...

parentinganadult replied: Hi, Nadia:
Thanks for the input. My daughter does not cook, nor does she clean (except when she wants money). Twice this summer, she said she would clean and asked me to pay in advance. I did. She didn't. I learned my lesson.
She goes to college, taking a reduced course load due to depression and anemia that result in her having less energy. I'm frustrated because she can manage to stay up until 2 or 3 Friday and Sat. nights but has no energy to pitch in around here. We argue about the use of a small educational trust fund (I control it) because she says the weekly allowance of $45 isn't enough. Well it isn't when you smoke and want to go through 12 beers on the weekend. I've gone in debt to buy myself a newer used car so she could have my previous one to get back and forth to school. The education fund covers the gas so the $45 is just for eating out, going to a movie, etc.
Our most recent difference of opinion was last night. She asked (I agreed) if she and her bf and 2 other friends could use the family room to watch hockey. The numbers changed and it ended up being 6 people. The last 2 left at 2:30. The front door is beside my bedroom so I wake up every time someone goes out for a smoke, comes back in, and when they leave. Yes, she did tidy up as I asked. But I think bringing the empties to the kitchen counter and leaving them there and neatly stacking the used dishes on the coffee table in the family room (we do have a dishwasher) isn't quite doing the whole job. Also we disagreed about how much she drinks.
Am I unreasonable to say:
..go to school and don't cut classes
..have friends over if they will leave by midnight AND if you will only drink moderately (max: 3 beers), clean up after so I don't have to do anything to 'restore' the room
..help with dishes after dinner
..it's not acceptable to stay in bed until 2:00 Saturday and Sunday afternoons
..keep your room clean, clean up the bathroom after using it
..understand that as long as health is an issue that you are expected to eat 3 meals per day to try to improve your health

CantWait replied: I think you have some reasonable points. I have also lived with my grandmother and my mom when I was finsihing school at one point. I did not have to pay rent, but at the same time I cleaned up my mess and that of my child's. I went to school daily even if I felt I was deathly sick.

Make the boundaries VERY clear for your daughter and be strict with them. If she doesn't want to follow them, then tell her she's got to find somewhere else to stay. Taking advantage isn't fair to you. I suffer from depression, and I know what the effects are like, however drinking isn't going to make it any better.

It sounds like your daughter isn't very mature, and doesn't realize the opportunity that's sitting in front of her face.

I agree that cleaning up after herself, not staying out till all hours, and having friends over till all hours, taking part in some of the responsibilities around the house are all fair requests. I would even ask for a small portion of money to help cover costs. If this doesn't sound right, how about just putting it away as a graduation gift.

Good luck and hope you find a happy medium soon.

massagemommy replied: I have only been a parent for 10 months so you can toss my advice if you want! But my first instinct is to cut off all the money, including the education money, and make her go live on her own. If she is 21 and does not want anyone telling her what to do honestly it seems she has to earn the privilege of access to the education money. And if she cuts even one class the gravy train is over.

I truly am sorry your daughter is suffering with health issues -- it's awful to see your "baby" feel bad (yes I know she's probably still your baby even as a grown woman!). Do you think it's appropriate to turn over the care of her health to her at this point, as it sounds like she knows what she has to do to feel well? (ie eat, take meds if she's on them, go to bed at a decent hour)

Bottom line is, adults don't treat each other like this. Adolescents try it, but if you're an adult you're just embarassing yourself if you treat someone so rudely and sponge so freely. A few months of budgeting and having to clean up her own mess might do her good (even though you'd probably worry your head off for a while!)

Our Lil' Family replied: It sounds like you are one very nice mom!

While I didn't live at home during college, my mom paid my rent and bills (minus gas and spending money) for me. The only stipulations were, I had to keep a part time job and I made good grades, her motto was "flunk out, move out" because in reality my apartment was really hers, she was paying all the bills. I think you should also impose something of that nature on your daughter. I think she is taking you for granted, just my opinion.

If her health is an issue that keeps her from working then it's only fair for you to ask her to keep up with the household duties....that shouldn't be too taxing on her health. It's not unreasonable to ask her to keep the house up the way you would if she did not live there. Then in return like you said, maybe she could have some spending money and when it's gone, it's gone...till next "pay day".

As for the friends over....it is YOUR house...if she doesn't like it, guess her friends can have her over to their place then?

My point is that she is VERY lucky....lots of parents make their kids move out once they graduate high school and live life in the "real world".

luvbug00 replied: I have been kicked out of my house before ohhh 3 times but it forced me to clean up my act. maybe she needs an extreme wake up call. oh and she is lucky! I wasn't allowed to socialy drink in the house unless it was a special occasion. and no friends over unless it was a small get together ( small =4) I believe if you feel your house is being disrespected then tough love is in order.

amymom replied: All good replys, I do not have anything to add. Good luck and Welcome to the board I have a 14 year old. I am not looking forward to him being a 'semi-adult'.

~KARA~ replied: My x-husband will be 30 in january, has 3 kids lives with his mom and dosent have a job.

jcc64 replied: I re- read your post a few times to make sure I understood it. Did I actually see that you pay your adult child to clean up around the house that she lives in (isn't this also called an allowance?)
I'm certain by the questions that you asked that you already know the answers. Your dd is taking full advantage of your generosity and leniency, and it obviously isn't sitting well with you. I would suggest that you are doing her no favors by enfantilizing her. She's a grown woman, student or not, health issues or not. If she wants the independence, autonomy, and respect afforded a responsible adult, she should start acting like one. End of discussion. If you don't like the rules, there's the door. There is such a thing as too much love.

parentinganadult replied: Yup, you read it right. The money for housecleaning came from the high school days when I worked more hours and she needed to earn some money. This summer, something happened that threw her for a loop and she ended up without a job. I am frustrated because things happen to me, too, that are upsetting but I still have to meet my responsibilities and at the end of the day, I am better off for having done so.
The depression problems have been ongoing since 15 so I guess I have tried too hard to make allowances and try to find ways to support her. Also - she is my much-loved adopted, not biological, daughter and I have always felt I can't use the "you're out of here" approach. Too much research perhaps, but there is the feeling that one person walked away from her and she needs to know that I won't. But I guess what I've shown her is that no matter how badly you treat someone, there aren't consequences. Lately I'm feeling used and abused by an adult who I love very much. I truly felt I was encouraging her, giving her space and a safe place to work through her problems but you're right. Gotta grow up sometime.

luvbug00 replied: I'm adopted still got the tough love and I am greatful for it!

holley79 replied: Hi I'm Holley. Mommy to be. I am 26 years old. I lived at home until I was 19 years old. My mom had rules and she charged me rent. I abided by her rules or I found someplace else to live. She was this way with all of us.

I'm appreciative of her for it.

redchief replied: I couldn't allow my adult child to live at home and still collect allowance. Our 21 year old son still lives at home, though. He pays a modest "rent" to offset cost of food, room and board. He also has to abide by our rules as long as he lives here. He is also required to assist with family chores including but not limited to: Cleaning, garbage hauling, assisting his grandparents (who live in the unit downstairs), assisting with the home taxi service and any other thing we find too annoying to do ourselves. That's the cost of being an adult, paying less than the going room fee in a house with a big family. He rarely complains and is usually more than happy to throw in.

I know things are a lot different today than when we were young. It's hard to get a job right out of high school that pays enough for kids to afford an apartment, utilities and food, not to mention advancing their education. I think I read somewhere that the average male child is living at home until they're 22 or 23 today. That was unheard of when I was a young adult.

JAYMESMOM replied: I moved out of my parents house at 18 but a few times ended back up there for a few months between apartments due to some unexpected circumstances. I always followed their rules, paid rent, assisted with chores, chauferred my younger siblings and was not allowed to consume alcohol while living there.

You need to put your foot down or she will continue to walk all over you. It is YOUR home and you have the right to set down the rules. If she doesn't like it she can leave. This is not you kicking her out but her choosing she doesn't want to live there if she can't follow your rules.

owensmomma replied:
I definitely agree with this statement. If she wants to continue to live in your house, then she needs to follow your rules. After all, she is an adult and can take care of herself. I think you're a great mom for being so supportive of her! However, it sounds like she's taking you for granted. JMO

FedUpToHere! replied: I've been reading the various stories about adult children living at home. My daughter is 27, was finally preparing to move, and lost her job!!!
Someone said "put your foot down"...yeah, right. They're our kids, they know our weaknessess and they exploit it.
I've decided, however, to do just that...fight whatever fights will come...and win the war.
Kids are forced to stay home longer. They often can't afford to move. But I'm with jaymesmom...it's not kicking her out, its her deciding she doesn't want to live with you anymore if she can't follow your house rules.

Hillbilly Housewife replied: I think that if she's still going to school, then obviously she can't have a full-time job...and it's almost unreasonable for her to be paying full rent somewhere, when she can continue to live with you and pay a small bit of rent. It might not be a bad idea for her to learn that on her own.

As for her age - if she thinks that being 21 is too old for you to tell her what to do when she lives in your house, she doesn't have to live at your house if she doesn't want to listen to your rules. If she wants to be treated as an adult, she should act like one - as in, act as if she was living with a roomate and not a parent. Sit down with her, and talk to her like that. Have a conversation that has this jist to it:

As an adult who I can no longer tell what to do, you are expected to act like an adult. If I was your roomate instead of your mother, would you clean up your dishes, or would you expect your roomate to do it for you? Would you be inconsiderate of your roomate and have friends over and disturb your roomate at all hours of the night? Would you clean the bathroom when it got dirty, or would you leave it to your roomate all the time? Would you do your own laundry, or would you expect your roomate to do it? Would you take money from your roomate to go out and drink, and then skimp out on re-paying her? Would you pay your part of the rent on time, as a responsible adult? Would you pay for your share of groceries, or eat all your roomates food? Would you drive your roomates car all the time, and use your roomates gas, without ever paying it back?

Then, if she understands the point you're trying to make - tell her that she's your daughter and always will be, and that as her mother you are prepared to pay ''her share'' for the rent and groceries - in exchange for fair treatment, treatment that would be fitting for a roomate. As for her depression and her anemia - as serious as those issues can be - they are not an excuse in the real world, and cannot always be fallen back on to get her out of doing what she has to do. When she will be out on her own for real, and expected to balance life with work, then a relationship and eventually a family, she will only find that things get harder.

At 21, she is only beginning to realize that every choice she makes has an effect - not just on her, but on people surrounding her. It is always more difficult for people to get a good grip on life when they live with their parents into their twenties, because generally the parents will support them, and they know that if they ''pitch a fit'', the parents will come to their rescue. You let people treat you the way they treat you. I'm sure your daughter is very intelligent, and will realize quickly that you are serious about not being her security blaket anymore... and things will start going smoother between your relationship.

Like most young adults, she will either roll her eyes at you and be like - yeah, whatever... or throw a fit and leave to try to prove her point. She might also surprise you and be willing to try this new approach - of treating each other like equal roomates.... in any case, good luck. My mom is going through the same type of crap with my 18 year old idiot of a brother.

By the way, I'm 24, mom to 3 great kids, they're almost 4, 2.5 and 8 months old. Welcome!

C&K*s Mommie replied: Not to be rude... but I wonder if a mere random choosing of the pages was done in order to find a post from Oct of 2005.

Hillbilly Housewife replied: i didn't even notice...

ashtonsmama replied:
I think those are quite reasonable rules, as long as she is living at home, under your roof, she should have to abide by your rules, IMO.

Good luck!

ashtonsmama replied:

I just saw this was from Oct. 2005 too. OOPS. Hey, FedUptoHere, there are many new posts, why choose this one?



Just curious, honestly.