absolutely lost it - feeling like a failure

boyohboyohboy wrote: I have had such a bad few days.
I know some of you read about our weekend with my older son caleb, and his recent behaviors, well just when I got him acting a bit more like a human being should, my youngest is now driving me nuts.
Jake has never slept thru the night. He is 9 1/2 months old. I think once he slept for about 5 hours straight, but at this point that might have been a dream.
He has been getting up each hour, for about a week or more. I am dead on my feet. I cant sleep during the day, my 4 yr old tells me he feels all alone when I do. I try to hold jake and sleep on the couch, and put a movie in for caleb to watch right near us, but he confided in me he feels to lonely when I do that, and begs me to keep my eyes open.
I have felt like Jake has been taking up to much of my time lately, with the feeding issues, and the sleep issues....I feel bad for caleb, and maybe thats whats been causing his behaviors...
well today, Jake got up (although that implys he went down) at 6am, and he cried, no screamed non stop till 11am. I tried everything. I tried walking him, nursing him, I gave him tylenol, the teething tabs, mylicon drops, I changed him, I bathed him, I tried cereal, I tried everything, nothing helped for long. I finally just put him in the play pen and sat in another room and cried myself. I think I scared poor caleb, he kept asking me if i could hear that Jake needed me....
I called my adopted mom, and asked for help. I have NEVER done that. I feel like a failure. I feel like I cant handle my own kids. I asked her to come over, and she offered to take caleb for the night, so he can get a whole night of one on one attention and hugs and kisses till he is sick of them. I think he is sleep deprived also from jake waking him up at night.
But my adopted father said to me, so you think you need another kid! I know he was just trying to break the ice, but it hurt. I felt and feel like a failure.
I was a single mom and never asked for help. I never had a min break with caleb. But jake is such a different creature. He is very clingy. I cant even go to the bathroom with out him.
SO they just left, and jake is asleep. I know that I should be asleep on the couch too, but I just feel horrible.
I called DH and told him that caleb would be spending the night out, and he said to me, oh so we are alone tonight! and of course you can imagine what that means is on his mind! well sorry, I am so tired, and when I told him I sent caleb there because I had a mental break down, I felt like he was dissappointed in me too. He didnt say anything like that but I felt it.

How can you ask for help with out feeling like a failure as a parent?

and how do I make this work? I do want to have another baby, and I love my kids more then anything. I just am so tired. I have gone 9 months now sleeping hit and miss for an hour here and there, and I am just bone tired.

What do you do with your older children while your baby sleeps? How can I make caleb not feel so alone? He doesnt nap now, so I cant ask him to do that, he says he is not a baby.
sorry for ranting..

luvmykids replied: Oh Stacy, I'm so sorry. You are not a failure, ALL of us have had moments much like yours. Any mom with a clingy non-sleeping baby would be out of her mind, add to that a 4yo and whamo, you have the makings for a mental condition. I only say that because I have BTDT. You are not a bad mom, and especially not a bad mom for needing a BREAK. I know what condition I'm in after one sleepless night, I can't imagine the last nine months.

I don't have much advice, I need to think about it for a minute, but lots of hugs. You're a great mom and needing a break and needing to sit in a quiet room for a bit is sooooo normal.

kit_kats_mom replied: Have you taken the baby to the ped? The only reason I ask is because the few times that Lauren has had frequent night wakings and marathon nursed was because of ear infections. She had no other symptoms. Those things also happen when the teeth are coming in. I know how hard it is but it will be over soon.

My2Beauties replied: HOn I am so sorry. I agree with Cary, take him to the ped to make sure that nothing is bothering him. Also you may really need to start a sleeping routine so that it helps him sleep through the night. There are many different sleep methods out there that you might want to look into. I'm not one for letting a baby CIO but to me it sounds like you're despearate and that he is very used to you getting up and being at his beck and call. I'm not suggesting CIO at all I'm just saying there are many methods out there that will teach him how to fall asleep better.

JP&KJMOM replied: Yes take him to the doctor first but also don't ever feel like a failure because you had to ask for help. Everyone needs help at some point and I think you have past that point a LONG time ago.

kit_kats_mom replied:
I hear you on the lack of sleep. I'm going on 4 years of getting woken up at least once. Luckily, you have at least one sleeper...neither of mine are. It makes it hard to be creative or to even complete a concrete thought. I feel like I'm in "crisis averted" mode all day sometimes and I know it's just because of the lack of sleep.

You shouldn't feel like a failure because you asked for help. That's what families and friends are for. I have a hard time asking for help too because I think people will think less of me but typically, they are just happy to help out and think I'm amazing for doing all I do everyday. My mom came over every wednesday night for 4 hours when she lived near us. she'd take Katherine and we'd go out or just sleep.

When Lauren is asleep, I ask K what she wants to do. Usually it's play stuffed animals, so that's what we do. One thing that helped us was a schedule. Try to come up with something and stick with it. It helped Katherine and Lauren to know what is coming next. ours looks like this. Notice that there are no times. We still don't wake up at the same time every day so there's some flexibility but we almost always do things in this order. I think it helps K because even when I'm tied up with Lauren she knows that art time is coming up or whatever.

TV Time while mom showers
breakfast
get kids dressed
1 hour free play (some days this is errands)
1/2 hour outside play or walk to playground
snack
1 hour arts & crafts-painting, play dough, coloring, cutting, glueing...whatever
30 min music & dance
color while mom makes lunch (K works on letters)
lunch
storytime
naptime/quiet time (play with K if she wont nap)
snack
30 min reading/writing/shapes & colors
1.5 hours free play indoors or out
30 min movie or show while mom cooks dinner (they sometimes help me cook)
dinner
bath
clean up time
1 hr daddy playtime (this is when I work or nap)
brush teeth
story
bed

luvmykids replied:
ITA, that gave me a lot of trouble in the beginning. But once I realized I honestly needed help, and that my family didn't think less of me but truly wanted to help, I got my head on straight. I have no problem asking for help now just because I am miserable without it some times. There is NO shame in it, and you're not the only one who benefits from it, the kids do too.

I agree with a schedule of some sort and getting Jake on a sleeping routine.

redchief replied: Being tired doesn't make you a failure. It makes you human. It's long past time you asked for some help. That's what your family and friends are for. I also agree that Jake should see a doctor about his inability to sleep. There could be a simple solution to this. I think it's great that your adopted parents have taken Caleb for the night. I think you both could use a break from each other too, and I don't mean that in a demeaning, uncaring way. Sometimes a little vacation, even a sleepover, can be a calming influence; for both of you have had a tough time lately.

If exhaustion makes you a bad parent, then you're in a world of good company. I've been exhausted for 20 years. And I have a great partner to share the load! But I see the tired in her face too, so I know I'm not even alone in our home. Being a parent is beyond any description of full time job. Employers aren't allowed to work their employees 24 hours a day, every day, all year long. Give yourself a break. Get a little rest, secure in the knowledge that Caleb is safe and loved, and that you are too.

Kirstenmumof3 replied: First off you are not a failure! You are a good mom! Secondly I think you need to talk to your peadiatrician about Jake, find out if there is something physically wrong. And I definately think you need to talk to your family doctor. It sounds like you might have a little bit of PPD. Here is a link to a test that you can take http://www.testandcalc.com/etc/tests/edin.asp Take the test and print off the results for your doctor. You definately sound sleep deprived. You are not a bad person. I'm glad you posted! There are so many people here that care about you, remember that and post as often as you want!

boyohboyohboy replied: Thank you for the kind words.
I have called and checked on Caleb and he is fine, and very excited to be out for the night, and he and grammie are working on a project.
I have tried the no cry sleep solution, I read the book, but we tried it, and it didnt work. I wasnt sure if I didnt do it long enough, I cant do the CIO method. I totally come unglued when Jake crys for long periods of time.
I know I have conditioned Jake to cry and I run to him with the slightest noise, I dont want him to wake caleb or my husband.

I am interested in some other sleep solutions if there are any left to try.

I know that I should be using this time to sleep, but I am just searching for a solution to this.

I will make the appt with the ped. to ask about sleeping issues, and ear infections. Its just that I posted my last appt with the ped. who suggested that its time to ween Jake and said he was just stubborn and needed "reconditioined" and I wasnt ready to stop BFing cold turkey. I wanted to stop when Jake was one, and give him these last three months to transition slowly.
I have only just started with the baby food, and due to his gag relex, its been slow go,
He is taking some jar food, but only little bits.

I am sure his answer will be to stop Bfing and be harder on him, as in CIO.

Ok, thanks for the advice. I am hanging in there. and DH is making me some pancakes. those will help!

luvmykids replied:
I don't think you have to stop nursing, a lot of BF babies sleep much longer/better at night by that age. I do think you might look into reconditioning in the sense that it's not necessarily on demand and more of a set schedule. Maybe with him eating more solids that would help as it increases.

I don't like CIO either, I did a very, very modified method of the book "Babywise" and still swear by it. It's been controversial in some ways but as I said, I modified it and think it helped a lot.

Glad to hear Caleb is enjoying his grammie time and that DH is making you pancakes!

kit_kats_mom replied: You don't have to do everything that the ped tells you. He is not the all knowing...in fact, based on his prior advice, I'd probably call him "the little knowing". I would just go in with the understanding that his parenting advice doesn't jibe with yours. He will be able to tell you if there is an ear infection or other health related reason for the night waking though.

When I had a ped that was all about CIO, Crib sleeping and Starting solids at 4 mos, I basically took his advise on shots and illnesses but otherwise I just nodded and glazed over and did what I felt was appropriate for our family on everything else.

redchief replied: CIO was never okay with us either. Some slept well, others didn't. Each was different. Why can't your husband wake up and take a shift now and then? Not judging, just curious.

mckayleesmom replied: I know that you said you don't want to wake your husband or Jake....Can the two perhaps take a mini vacation together and stay somewhere else for a couple nights while you work on Jake? That was my plan, but Russell started sleeping through the night on his own before it came to that. I know what you mean about not wanting them to wake everyone else up though.

boyohboyohboy replied: my dh cant get up with jake because he is a truck driver, he leaves the house at 4am, and is usually up making his lunch at 330am. He drives what is called the "widowmakers". I cant have him up at night, tired and then driving that thing! I would be putting him and the other drivers on the road in danger.
On the weekends, he lets me sleep in and he takes jake and caleb downstairs. He tries to take the kids when he gets home, but caleb goes to bed at 730p and jake wont go down till 830p and he pretty much nurses and nips till then. So he isnt able to accomodate jake.

My husband feels at a loss, he says he feels bad he cant do more. but he works at least 14 hour days so that I am able to be home with the kids.
I appreciate him so much.

I have tried to keep jake on a schedule. we are up at the same time each day, I have started since fri. offering his meal at about the same time, and then we get dressed, and unless we have errands, we play, and watch the wiggles, and do some chores together..
he is just so clingy, he cries hysterically when I take a shower.

I am not sure how to start the reconditioning.
I try to figure out what he is crying about, and after all else fails thats when I just sit on the floor with him, and he crys and i usually do to.

He isnt a cuddler, he wiggles alot unless he is nursing, and when he is done with that he is done.

I was wondering, how often can I use the gas drops? THe dose on the bottle doesnt work for him. I use the other line, but I wondered how often he can get it. I guess I can ask the dr tomorrow.

Pancakes were great, and now I am headed off for a bath, but its hard to sit up stairs and listen to jake cry down stairs.

God bless my husband for putting up with this.

and all of you too!

Boo&BugsMom replied: Oh Stacy! I don't have anything more to say than what has already been said but wanted to tell you that you are NOT a failure!!! You've gotten some wonderful advice. Hang in there!!! It'll get better.

~Roo'sMama~ replied: Omg, I can't imagine going with so little sleep for so long. I'm tired when Andrew just wakes up once in a night. I'm glad your parents were able to take Caleb for the night.

I don't really care for CIO either, but that was the only thing that would work for Andrew. I'd spend over an hour every night rocking him and hanging over the crib holding his hand and rubbing his back getting him to fall asleep, and then he would wake up several times during the night and I'd have to do it all over again, and I'd always end up bringing him to bed with me because I was too exhausted to do it anymore - which that didn't go well either because I don't sleep well with him next to me. He wakes up too easily and if I move an inch or try to roll over he wakes up. I tried the Ferber method but me going in there constantly just made him even more mad and prolonged him going to sleep, so I finally just brought him up to bed, sang him a song, laid him down and left. When he woke up in the middle of the night I would go to him, lay him back down, tell him night-night and leave again. It was agonizing and I would sit downstairs and cry until he fell asleep, but it worked. And now he sleeps all night just fine, goes to sleep on his own when I lay him down, without crying (he actually likes going to bed - he smiles and cuddles up to his eeyore lovey blanket), and is WAY less clingy during the day. He used to be impossible to get away from - he'd scream if I left the room for even a second. It was really hard to do but Andrew is no worse for the wear for it ~ actually now he's better off because he's getting better sleep. He was so tired before - he had huge lines under his eyes and was so cranky all day ~ and he wouldn't sleep for more than 20-30 minutes at nap time either. Now he takes great naps. I don't think that this is what works best for every child, but for Andrew I'd tried everything else and it just wasn't working. Not getting enough sleep isn't good for either of you.

Nina J replied: Everyone else has given great advice, so I will just offer my support. You're not a failure, you're an amazing mother in my eyes. I never would've been able to go on as long as you have

I hope things work out soon, we're always here

Kaitlin'smom replied: Your deffinalty sleep deprived, thats for sure. Sounds like he is clingy because he to is tired from not sleeping well. I know your worried about wakeing other in the house at night but you cant go to him at every spark of noise. Might I ask how long did you try the different things you were doing? He is still young you can get him to sleep better but its going to take work, pateniece and yes time. Deffinalty keep the routine, kids really need that, its sooo important.