Why does he do this?

MomToMany wrote: I have a BFing support group that I go to once a month on the 4th Wednesday of each month. It's the only day I get to go somewhere and talk with other moms. So, it's a big deal to me. This month, there was going to be a guest speaker and also a cloth diaper swap. This has been planned for MONTHS, and I was SOOO looking forward to going!

We are also trying to get a new house. We've been running everywhere to get certain papers the mortgage company needs. Well, DH decided to go and schedule an appointment to bring in the rest of the papers to them, and to talk with the lady about the house some more. It is a LONG drive over there, about 3 hours ONE-WAY.

Guess when he made the appointment for??? You guessed it, for WEDNESDAY, the day of my meeting. I got upset, and asked why we couldn't go down on Thursday? He said, "Because I don't want to!". He also informed me that I don't want a new house because I don't want to go on Wednesday. Ugh, he is impossible sometimes!!!!! OF COURSE I WANT A NEW HOUSE!!! I also want my day to have a little fun. He does this all the time to me! Whenever I have something planned, there's always something he needs to get done. It's like he has to test me to see what matters more to me. Of course I go with him, or else he gets too upset. So my stuff has always come second.

The thing that really irritates me is he ASKED me if I'd rather go on Thursday, and I said YES. Then HE got MAD, saying that getting a house wasn't important to me, and stormed out of the house. It's like everything we do has to fit into HIS FREAKIN' schedule, and I'm getting sick of it!!!! Also, whenever I do have to go somewhere without him, he gives me this whole list of things to get done, which is such a PITA with the kids with. I have to plan extra time for his stuff, and the kids get irritable because it takes so long, and I get frustrated. UGH!!!



Wow, that got pretty long! I'm sorry!

GavinsMommy replied: I can relate. Jerimiah always says that I can go have "me" time but ummmmmmm how can I do that when he's always going somewhere??? Leave the baby alone in the apt??? Lol.

It's convenient for men to make everything convenient for them...

Dunno what to tell you other than men can suck sometimes.

MomToMany replied:
THAT is so very true! It would be just awful if they went out of THEIR way sometimes!

Maddie&EthansMom replied: Awww Mollie!

I could jump right on in your rant today. I'm so freakin irritated at Scotty right now! Sometimes I think they are here just to piss us off.

I'm sorry you won't get to go to your meeting, but a new house??? how exciting!!!

MomToMany replied:
Yes, a new house would be real exciting, but we tried last year & the year before to get one and it never worked out. I don't think it will happen this year either, but it's worth a shot. I guess that's why I'm not too enthused about it.

A&A'smommy replied: ugh that is PITA, I'm sorry you are going to miss your meeting that REALLY sucks! (((HUGS)))

loveydad replied: Most men do suck. You guys are really lucky i'm an exception to that rule. (kidding).

I'm sorry to hear he's being difficult Mollie! I can't understand why he would do that either!!

Sorry you're going to miss your meeting! I know how important it is to have some time with other adults!

MomToMany replied: Do you think I'm over-reacting? Please be honest with me. I trust your guys' opinions.

Kaitlin'smom replied: sounds like he does not understand how important this is to you to have 'me' time once a month, its not to much to ask IMO. What a PITA he is being, I just dont get why they can do this, very frustrating. I hope you do get the new house this year.

mammag replied: No I don't think you are over reacting at all. He was overreacting by insinuating that you don't care about finding a house just because you were upset that he scheduled it on your time just because he wanted to. That was just plain rude and inconsiderate. Could you call her and reschedule it yourself, or would that send him over the edge?

MomToMany replied:
It would put him over the edge for sure! Otherwise I would have. He's like this all the time whenever we need to get something done. If he has to go somewhere, he'll ask me if I want to go, and I'll say no. Then he gets upset and needs to know WHY I don't want to go. I'll tell him I don't want to drag the kids along because it screws up their schedule and they will never go to bed at night. It doesn't matter to him, because he doesn't put them to bed.

Kaitlin'smom replied: almost sounds as if he does not appriciate what you do....or just does not understand either way its not easy. I hope you can work it out.

DVFlyer replied: Your husband is right. Buying a house is more important than this monthly meeting. Sorry, but that's the truth. Besides, you're only missing ONE meeting. It's not like he's asked you to miss them all? Or is there more to this story? Remember, we only see one side on deals like this.

It isn't too much to ask to go to a meeting "once a month" or more for that matter (assuming fairly equal time given to each other), but it IS too much to ask for you to miss ONE class.

Now, that's not to say he shouldn't/ couldn't have rescheduled the meeting. He should have taken your feelings into consideration and tried to work around your needs as well as you trying work around his needs. Speaking of "his" needs......

Buying this house would be a benefit for you both, correct?

Listen, it isn't just men that make things "convenient". I understand the ranting done on forums. It feels good to get it off your chest, doesn't it? We get some support from other people (we don't know) or some good advice. But let's not stereotype.

If your husband is not helping enough around the house, it's because you've allowed him to act like this. I'm not saying this is anything you've done consciously, but if you do everything, it sounds like there needs to be some delegation. You've said "he doesn't put them to bed". Why not? I'm sure he's perfectly capable of doing something as simple as that, no?

How about slowly asking him to do some stuff around the house. Wouldn't it be nice if he got up with the kids on Saturday and let you sleep for an extra hour? (or something similar that would mean something to you). How about asking him to set a date where he will do that for you? Don't let him hedge. If that day comes and goes (make sure to set up a reminder system), and he's conveniently gone... you've got much bigger problems.

Humbly,

a male

MomToMany replied: Thank you for your candor! I really appreciate it! Yes, it's just one meeting, but it was an important one to ME. I've been looking forward to this particular meeting for MONTHS, and now I don't get to go. I guess I was just really disappointed and sad that I couldn't go.

Yes, buying a new house is VERY important too. But what upset me was he didn't consider MY feelings or anything when he made the appointment. He fit it into his schedule.

DH DID try to get Thursday off so we could go on Thursday. He really tried, and I really appreciate it. He has the bigwigs from Chrysler coming in that day, and his boss wouldn't let him take that day off. Friday we can't go, because we have to take the boys down to their dad's. Next week, the lady we are going to meet with is going on vacation for 2 weeks, so Wednesday is the only day we can really go.

He doesn't put the kids (the 2 yr. old & the 10 month old) to bed because they nurse to sleep. If they don't fall asleep when the boys go to bed, they stay up and play. Then I'll nurse them when they finally get tired until they fall asleep. It's always been like that.

But he did TRY to change the day we went. And I really love him for that because he realized how important it was to me. He said he was going to surprise me and tell me I could go to my meeting, but it didn't work out. He TRIED, and that's the main thing. His boss said he was too valuable and knowledgeable to be gone that day.

DVFlyer replied: You're welcome. I hope my candor did not come off as rude. I'm confused now, though.

I totally understand how important this event was to you. Been there many times. You say what upset you was that he didn't consider your feelings. Yet further along, you say he tried to change the date but couldn't due to his work and the boys and the lady being on vacation.

It sounds like he tried (in this case) to help...? Or what am I missing?

PS- What's a BF meeting? I'm new here and don't know the abbreviations yet. i.e. DD, DH, etc.

Thanks!

MomToMany replied: First off, he went & scheduled the meeting without asking me. But then he saw how hurt I was from not being able to go, so he tried changing the day he could take off from work to go to this meeting. Well, he couldn't switch days, so we will still go on Wednesday.

BF means breastfeeding. This is a support group I go to once a month. There was going to be a guest speaker and a cloth diaper swap. It was going to be so much fun!! But there will be others in the future sometime (I hope!).

loveydad replied: No Mollie I don't think you're overreacting. He didn't have to plan it the same day. He could have changed it too since you've been trying to get one forever. Buying a house may be more important than a meeting but not when he could have easily changed the day. I would have be upset too! I know how much you like cloth diapers.

gr33n3y3z replied: I agree with Vig Mollie
I hope another night like that happends soon for you.

MomToMany replied:
Yes, he could've easily changed the day, but refused to because he was acting like a child. But then he saw how upset I was that I couldn't go, then tried to switch the days. LOL, he even wanted to bring a note home from his boss saying he tried, but I told him that wasn't necessary.

LOL, you'd think DH would realize how much I love cloth diapers from all the stacks of them here in the living room! I'm running out of room for them .

DVFlyer replied: Sounds like the old "easier to get forgiveness than permission" thing. Any chance to do any of the paperwork by fax? And is there any way for this person to come to you?

Boys r us replied: I agree with DVflyer, is there anyway you can do the paperwork by fax? We do loans, mortgages and refi's at work and we do all of it by fax or fed ex!
Then you both win!

coasterqueen replied: Mollie,

I don't think you are overreacting at all. While I see DVFlyer's points, I think if your DH truly understood how you felt about these meetings he would have never scheduled the meeting for THAT particular day OR he would have at least said "hun, I really think we need to do this now and the only possible day is Wednesday. I know your meeting is then and very important to you but is there any way you would consider not going and going to this other one instead." If he would have showed some consideration UP FRONT then I would say ok you are probably overreacting but from what you posted he didn't.

My Dh has done this to me before numerous times and I tell him how I feel, but he usually does those things because he forgets about those other important things I've already scheduled. Once he's reminded he WILL try to reschedule those other things.

I know, and your Dh has to too, that having a new house means a lot to you. Being that said, is it possible that you could make the appointment next week? Does one week REALLY make a difference? I guess I don't know the whole logistics on this. Are you moving? Or are you putting a new house on your property? What?

If anything I think faxing the papers would be safice and what about doing the conversation over phone?

MomToMany replied: Thanks for your input ladies! I really appreciate it!

We are putting a new double wide house on our property. We have to go pick out the wallpaper and carpet colors we want in the new house., and in which rooms. The finance guy is also there, so we have papers to bring to him too. We are still going tomorrow. I'm still real sad that I'm missing my meeting, but there will be others in the future.

The lady is going on vacation for 2 weeks. We want to get this done ASAP so we can be at the top of the list to have the house delivered. I hope that makes sense.

It was just that he didn't even ask me when he wanted to go; he just went ahead and made the appointment for Wednesday.

All's OK now; we are going to that appointment tomorrow.

Sorry I made such a big deal out of something so silly.

Josie83 replied: I don't think you're overreacting Mollie. Its something important to you and Shane should repsect that! Its only one day out of a month. I would be upset as well xx