Why Can't I Cry? - My Thoughts Again

Kirstenmumof3 wrote: I feel so empty inside and I want to cry, but the tears won't come. I'm being strong for Emily and Claudia, they don't know yet and I don't know how to tell them. I talked to my sister today and she told me that my brother is really torn up about this, he cried, my sister has cried. A friend phoned me yesterday crying, sobbing on the phone, wanting to know what it is that she could do. But I couldn't cry. If I could just cry and release these emotions. Maybe deep down inside I think that crying will only show weakness, show people that I can't handle any of this, that I'm not strong enough. I want to cry and yet I can't. The tears are right there, wanting to, but I can't. I try not to think about what could happen to Spencer, trying to remain positive. I guess maybe I'm still in shock, denial. I won't allow myself to believe.... I know this doesn't make sense. There is a pain in my chest that won't go away. I spoke with my doctor (before any of this news came about) about these panic attacks that I was having. He prescribed a pill to make it all go away. I start that prescription tomorrow, as needed. The lump in my throat is still there, I guess it will be there until I allow myself to cry. My head is spinning right now and I feel like everything is on pause, only I'm still going. Again I know this doesn't make any sense. How can I get angry with Spencer, What is wrong with me? He may not......I can't say it. These are just my thoughts right now and I needed to write them. Get them out of my head. What if I cry and really loose it? Who will be there for Spencer, for Emily and Claudia? I'm scared and I'm worried. I want to cry!

ashtonsmama replied: Kirsten, be gentle with yourself. I know how hard it is, but try your best.

You have been through (I'm sorry to say it) a $#!*load of tragic events in the past years, and everyone grieves in different ways. It's amazing that you're so strong for your kids, I know I'm sure I'd be a complete mess.

But I have experienced the same thing, especially with the suicide of one of my best friends in high school. I wanted to cry, to feel human, since everyone else seemed to be crying and letting go, why couldn't I? I have gone through that, and it's an awful feeling having that lump in your throat, and not having the tears come, it's so hard.

We're here for you whenever you need to talk. There is nothing you say that doesn't make sense in some fashion, and you are SO entitled to any feelings you're having.

C&K*s Mommie replied:
she said it well.

CantWait replied:

luvmykids replied: You have such a huge burden in needing to be strong for others, I think you're just so used to putting on the brave face. I wish you had someone to help you carry the load and allow you to be tired, weak, confused, sad, angry, all the things that are on your chest with nowhere to go

On a side note: Do you think any meds could be contributing to it? I know on a certain anti depressant I could not for the life of me cry.

paradisemommy replied:

Nina J replied: I can't even begin to imagine what you're feeling, I don't have any advice, other than to offer my continued support and prayers

gr33n3y3z replied: after a certain point we bc numb to things to help us deal with the problem
at hand. There is nothing wrong with you hun

mom2my2cuties replied: Lisa is right - when I meet with some of our new families, I notice that if they are new to thier routine - the parents are very emotional, but if they have been at it a while, they tend to "toughen up" and for the sheer fear of what they could be facing can't let it out.

I will be praying even harder for your family and Spencer's healing!

Kirstenmumof3 replied:
Thanks everyone! I walk around with this smile glued to my face, just dying on the inside.

I don't think it's any of my medications. I've never had this problem before. I mean I didn't cry all the time, but when I needed too, wanted too I could.

mummy2girls replied: Kirsten what you are going through is completely normal hun! You have been going through so much in such a short time and you are just in the shock stage. You feel that you have to be strong for your son, your daughters and family. You feel they need you for support and as much as you need the support and need to cry you just push it all back to help get the others through it. One day it will hit you and the tears will come and wont stop and when that time copmes just let them flow. When Jordan was really sick everyone was crying and going through alot of emotions and i was sitting back and not crying... everyone couldnt beliveve how strong i was and i couldnt understand it as well but i learned what i was going through was the shock phase...i felt i needed to be strong for Jordan because i did not want him to see me lose it and i didnt want the docs and my family seeing it as well... Dont feel bad hun... you are a wonderful mom and person... in time the tears will come. dont force it because then they wont come.. they will come dont worry!

(((HUGS))))

holley79 replied: Honey you are in a daze right now and it's sinking in slowly. When your body is ready you will be able to release the pent up. It all makes sense. You are human. You aren't angry with Spencer you are angry with the sickness. You have a right to be angry with anything/ anyone you chose right now. Tears are not a sign of weakness they are a sign you are human. You are always in my thoughts and in my prayers. You are never far from my mind. One of the things that normally helps me get through and gives me strength is Psalms 88, 89 and 91.

You are very loved Kirsten and so is your family. You never have to feel bad about feelings.

msoulz replied: There are plenty of us out here shedding tears for you.

jcc64 replied: The tears will come when you are ready for them, Kirstin.
Take the meds the drs give you for the anxiety. Your body needs a break from the relentless stress and overload. They'll help you catch your breath for a little while.
Do you have a counselor there?

ashtonsmama replied:
I tried. It's hard to say anything sometimes...I know where you've been Kirsten, and it's not a great place to be.

I can't imagine how much fear and despair I would be feeling if Spencer were my son.

jem0622 replied: I think that Spencer needs your strong face and hugs. He needs that right now. I would have to talk with my mother and father to see how things were for them when my sister was not in good health. They were caring for 3 other children at the time and I can honestly say I never saw them in times of grief.

mom2my2cuties replied:
I don't think it could have been said better!

MyBabeMaddie replied: Kirsten,
I can't imagine everything you're going through. I have your family in my prayers. I don't know what to say I just hope you can find peace.

ashtonsmama replied:
I know what you mean, but I think also that kids need to know that while their parents are strong and there for them always, they are also human, and they get sad too.

KWIM?

Kirstenmumof3 replied:
Yes, I have been seeing a Psychologist weekly for almost 4 years now. I talked to him today, the shock is wearing off and I think I may go to the hospital for a couple of days. DH and I have talked about it and what I'm feeling and how I'm reacting and thinking. My whole world is starting to fall apart.

mummy2girls replied:
oh Kirsten... I so wish i can be there and give you a big hug and help you through this ordeal!!! remember you can call me anytime if you need to talk hun(((HUGS)))

A&A'smommy replied: Kirsten I think what your experiencing is very normal what your going through is very difficult, you have two other children and a husband, and a million thoughts and sometimes its just HARD to cry. Just let is come on its own it will
don't push yourself too much