What would you do - this might get long but I need advice

lisar wrote: Okay to make a long story short:
My aunt Sharon was in a really bad relationship for 18 years he beat her, and did all kinds of things. Well she left him and her kids came to to live with me and Granny (this is before dh and I moved in together) well she wanted to go back to him and her kids didnt so she decided she would go without them. Well then her oldenst son Bobby who was 16 at the time said he would go back to protect his mom, so then his sister went also. Well about 2 months after they went back all H E double L broke loose. Me and all of the family went over there one day with trucks and trailers and started packing her stuff and moving her out. Well ALL the guys left to go and drop off a load and her EX started some crap and tried to beat on all of us women. He had a dog leash and had the metal part swinging it at us and he did hit a few of us. Me and my other aunt Laura were trying to get at him. (we werent scared) but all the other women had us blocked at a doorway, so we climbed over them, (literally) to get at him. Well my aunt sharon got in there and he grabbed her by the head of her hair and slung her and he got on top of her, well my aunt laura had him around his neck, my other aunt on sitting on his back and my sister on his legs, keep in mind my aunt is underneath him, he wouldnt let her go. I go outside and get the phone ( I dropped it) and call my boyfriend (now dh) to come back NOW. Thats all I had to say. So anyways the neighbor which just happens to be the buttholes brother came over and got him off my aunt and beat the mess out of him. About that time the guys show back up and proceed to beat the crap out of him. He really shouldnt have hit all of us girls. One of my aunts got pushed into a tv my sister messed up her leg pretty bad. Anyways, the guys that beat him left before the cops got there. Rescue came to look at my aunt sharon she was literally having a nervous break down and they had to check my sisters leg she got hit pretty bad with the dog leash, I got hit to but it wasnt so bad. Her kids were NOT there we wouldnt let them be there. They didnt talk to their dad for years. Well now here we are 5 years later and she is dating him. And wants all of us to accept it. SERIOUSLY!!! I have come the conclusion that she is a grown adult and can do what she wants. I dont care. I will be there for her again when he does this again. But I do NOT want him around me or my kids.
And to get to the point:
Austins b-day party is comming up at my house. (my sister's son) and we called and invited her and asked her not to bring him. Well she said that we cant exclude him and that if he cant come then she just wont come. I told her we arent excluding her we are inviting her just not him. My sisters dh wasnt there that day and he hurt my sister and he has always wanted a piece of him. So it wouldnt be right to ruin Austins b-day party right? She says that we need to give him a chance. I personally dont want to give him a chance. I dont think he deserves one. I dont care if he went to rehab (it was court ordered not by choice) that doesnt mean he has changed. There are so many other stories I could tell this wasnt a one time thing. His kids would not tell us what happend in that house when no one was there. So there is more to it than any of us know. And this happend for YEARS...
Am I wrong? Should I give him a chance? Does he deserve one? Or should I stand my ground on this one? I will support my aunt in anything but I just cant support him like that. I dont trust him, he would steal from kids if given the chance. But they swear he has changed.
Help me out here. What should I do and what should I say?
Patrick my sisters dh has promised that if he did show up at Austins b-day he would keep his cool for Austin, but there would be tension in the air. And no one would talk to him, he would get the point that he isnt wanted, but it would hurt my aunt also.
I talked to my dh about this, (he was there that day beating the mess out of him) and he said he would let him come over but he wouldnt be social with him and he wouldnt be allowed in the house at all.

My2Beauties replied: Hoenstly, it sounds like it could potentially be a disaster waiting to happen and I wouldn't let him come over my house at all. I know this is hard but for your kiddos sake I would leave it alone.

ZandersMama replied: I just simply wouldnt allow him to be there. Everyone knows the reasons and if your aunt still wont come without him then it is HER loss. You have all helped and supported her as much as you can, but you do not have to allow someone that you know is dangerous into your home. Or around your children.

Crystalina replied: Lisa, I really want to read this but have a headache and it's a lot to read. I'll come back to it. I didn't want you thinking that I was answering other threads and not this one.

CantWait replied: No way, I just don't see how someone that violent can change in such a short amount of time, there's a lot of bad blood between everyone there, and it's just not the right time to try and bury the hatch, not at a child's birthday party. Has this man got any councelling?

lisar replied:
He was in court ordered rehab for 10 months. He has "found" god as he puts it. But yall know my religous beliefs around here (i dont have any) so that doesnt cut it with me. It might be more comfortable if he went to rehab on his own but he didnt. All of this bad stuff happened 5 years ago, no one has been around him since. Keep in mind he is a salesman so he knows how to "talk" if you know what I mean. He could convince you that the sky is purple not blue in you KWIM.

lisar replied:
I understand Crystal, I do that sometimes if I am really busy at work and cant sit here for a long time.
But I would love your input, so when you get time. Thanks

mckayleesmom replied: I'm sorry, but I would still stand my ground with your aunt and tell her he cannot come. If she says that she won't come if he can't..then so be it, that is her decision to exclude herself.

Boo&BugsMom replied: Lisa, I am a very forgiving person, but I wouldn't allow him in my home or around my kids knowing all that went down. If he did "find God", then I would really have to see it to believe it. Anyone can say they've found God and try to put on an act. I think you are perfectly within your rights to not want him there, and I think your aunt needs to screw her head on a little tighter. If he really did change, then good for him...but if he wants to show everyone he has changed, I don't think a kids b-day party would be the right time to test the waters.

lisar replied:
Thanks, and I agree something must not be right in my aunts head to even take him back. I told her she needed to see physcho doc for herself and left it at that.

But do you think he even deserves another chance?

Boo&BugsMom replied:
Like I said, I am a very forgiving person. But, for me in these situations as well, seeing is believing. I have a cousin, who is a drug addict. The amount of times she proclaimed to "change" are endless. I am now to the point where I need to actually see her changed in order to believe she has. I don't blindly believe her anymore. I am all for giving people a million chances, but I think when someone's safety is involved you really have to play things carefully. As for my cousin, she is in jail right now. I am willing to give her a chance if she goes through the proper treatment (for her, the only way she will stick to it is if it's court ordered...drug addicts are weak, they fall off the wagon over and over if given their freedom too soon)...BUT, until I see a change she will not be allowed over at my house or around my children. Does that make sense? I know it is SUPER hard to give someone another chance in situations like this. I come from a family who has seen it's fair share of abuse. I would never blame anyone for not giving an abuser another chance...be it second, third, etc. It is something that is VERY hard to forgive.

I guess my point is this...if you do give him another chance (if that is what your aunt wants), then I would tell her #1, that if it happens again...no more chances and that is it...and #2, testing the waters of his "change" may not be appropriate at a kid's b-day party. Some ground rules may need to be set...and he and your aunt should be understanding of this if he is truly remorseful!!! If he really is sorry and "changed", then he will be sensitive to everyone's wishes and feelings of the past! It's not something he will be able to prove overnight during one party. It will take time for everyone to move past his past behaviors. If he is not remorseful, then I'd be hesitant to believe he has changed and "found God". I really hope he has changed, but your aunt also needs to be realistic and understand that there are some people who just don't ever change, especially after they've been set in their abusive ways for many years.

Nina J replied: I wouldn't allow him to be there. It's a child's birthday and with his past, I just wouldn't want him there.

He may well have changed and turned his life around. But personally, considering what he has done, I would much prefer to see evidence of this somewhere other than a child's party. I wouldn't want my kids near him.

In all honesty though, I wouldn't want a bar of him. Has he even apologised for what he did? Even if he has/does then I would still be very wary. I can forgive for a lot of things, but I think his actions are unforgiveable. I would never trust someone who did that again. I think people are very capable of changing their behaviour, but from what you've said his violent behaviour and complete disregard for others has gone on for a very long time, and I doubt very much that he could supress his anger and violence issues completely.

My3LilMonkeys replied: ITA with everyone - I would not allow him there. If he wants another chance, IMO the first thing he should do is call and talk to you himself, not through your aunt. And IF you were to give him another chance, a child's birthday party is certainly not the time or place for it.

my2monkeyboys replied: I agree with everyone here.

lisar replied: Thanks everyone. And like I said this was not a one time incident. My Dad beat my mom I grew up in that and know what those kids went thru. My dad beat my mom to death literally. (long story) I havent spoke to my dad in 8.5 years. The last time I saw him was when Lexi was born and he showed up at the hospital. I see it as he is doing the same thing to my aunt that my dad did to my mom. So it is really hard to forgive him. I wont ever forget what happened that day and many other days for that matter.

I talked to my uncle about it yesterday, he was there also, he said that if ALL the women that were there that day were to agree to give him another chance then he would accept that. But if one of us said we NO then he would respect that and not allow him over to ANY family function. And I told him that I didnt think he deserved another chance, and he said well then he wont be there at all. And all the women that were there feel this way, so I am not alone in this.

And as for him apologizing, it wont happen. Never. Thats not his style to apologize for something, anything for that matter. He doesnt see what he done wrong.

Thanks everyone.

Boo&BugsMom replied: Lisa, I think if he was truly remorseful then he would apologize. I am pretty hesitant to believe that he has changed and "found God" if he wont apologize...considering saying sorry and feeling remorseful, and asking for forgiveness is a huge thing with God. That is something pretty HUGE to not say sorry over. I hope your aunt will be safe and wont have to learn her lesson the hard way...again.

Nina J replied:
I don't think he has changed then. If someone changes there ways, then don't they have to realise there behaviour was wrong? If he can't see what he has done wrong, then he has not changed, and you are more than justified in not wanting him around

lisar replied:
Thank you.

And thank you everyone for standing with me on this issue. I will STAND my ground on this one. Thanks again