What would you do? - Need advice - kinda long

MichaelsMommy wrote: My DH and I are both remarried. I have my twin 11yr old girls and
he has two boys from his prior marriage Nick and Cody (13&15) who
live with their mom in Minnesota. It has never been a great relationship
between their mother and my DH - she is always making us drive
from Chicago to Minnesota to get them and return them if we want to see
them, never would meet us half way or help out at all. We had tried
at one time to get them some plane tickets - but she wouldn't have
any of that either - she is 'too worried' about them flying alone
(mind you, one of them is almost driving )

So now it is Christmas. We have been calling their house for about a month,
almost nightly, leaving messages - and never get a call back. DH is out of his
mind. He is ready to drive up there and knock on the door - but I'm against
it because I think they could be out of town (there was talk last year
that they would be going to Flordia for xmas this year). It's been
over a month and no contact what so ever. I feel so bad for DH
He loves his boys so much and has had such a hard time trying to
even get them on the phone. We don't know if the ex is deleting
messages we are leaving, or if the boys are hearing them and just
not interested in responding or what? DH said last night that it is getting
to the point where he is wondering if something didn't happen to them
(which is him just being crazy I'm pretty sure). He's paying child
support, it comes out of his check everytime he gets paid - so they
have no reason to be upset or anything about that.

What would you do, how would you handle this? Do we call the
Apple Valley police and have them go and check on them? Do
we leave a nasty message of some sort? We've already left the
worried messages. We sent them out some Mall of America
gift certificates for 100.00 each - since we couldn't get in touch
to even ask what they would like for Christmas. All I know is
this is breaking my husbands heart and I just don't know what I can
do to fix this situation.

5littleladies replied: Hmm....I'm 20 minutes south of Apple Valley. Do you want me to go check on them?

Does your husband have some kind of custody arrangement with his ex? Is he allowed by law to have a certain amount of contact with them? If so I would think he should be able to take some legal measure to see them. If he really is concerned I would probably call the police-I'm sure they are fine, but maybe for peace of mind's sake and to give her a wake up call. That really sucks that she is acting like this at Christmas. Your poor Dh must feel terrible!! I hope he gets in contact with them soon.

MichaelsMommy replied: There is a 'visitation' agreement set up, but in order to get it enforced
we'd have to take her into court.. which means we'd have file, wait forever,
travel up there, hire a lawyer - you know its messy.
I was thinking the same thing, if the police show up she might get a clue
that DH is really upset. Do they do things like that if we just called them or
is it going to be a lot of red tape?

MommyToAshley replied: Has this ever happened before? A month seems like a really long time to go without any contact. I can see why he would be concerned, and I think I would call the police just to check on them for peace of mind. (But, I am a big worry wart!) If his Ex is just doing this to be spiteful, I am sorry that she doesn't put the well being of her kids first.

Please keep us posted.

Josie83 replied: Personally I would call the police. It can't do any harm, and would probably put his mind at rest. he mother surely culdn't get upset because she should have told him where they were going to be at Christmas. I'm realy sorry you're going through this xx

amynicole21 replied: Does he have any contact info for relatives? Cousins/parents/aunts of the ex wife? He could start by calling there. I think calling the police would be perfectly reasonable as well. I'm so sorry he has to go through this, and that you do as well!

MichaelsMommy replied: The only relatives that we know of are the Ex's parents, but they
live here in IL by us. I'll mention tonight about the police to my DH
and see what he thinks.. In my opinion its the best answer. I'm just
afraid (having delt with the police before) that they are going to
ask a lot of questions, want to get involved - I don't want a bunch
of trouble or anything - I guess at this point we just want to know that
they are ok - then we have other issues to deal with like why they
don't call back. DH seems to think the Ex filled the boys minds
with crap like 'Daddy does not love you any more he has replaced
you with a new baby boy' I'm not sure I believe that - they are 13 and
15 - they are old enough to make their own opinions and def old
enough to pick up the phone once in a while (even if she is deleting
his messages) and show they think of their Dad.

Boys r us replied: Wow..I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this! I would call her parents and see if they have had contact with her or the kids. Is there a time of day when you KNOW that they would be there? Like early in the AM before leaving for work or school that you could call?

My2Beauties replied: I would call the police, in the least it would scare her into making the boys call him, if she is doing this on purpose that is downright nasty! I hope you guys get in touch with them, keep us posted!

MichaelsMommy replied: Well, we finally got a call. The day before Christmas (nice).
The boys sounded pretty depressed and told us that their
tree was not even fully up yet, they put it together but there
was no lights or ornaments on it yet. I think their mom is
depressed and it is rubbing off on the boys. I feel so bad
for them - but there is not alot we can do. She has full custody
and to change that would be really hard. The boys are old
enough and we have offered them to come live with us a
million times - I think they are so set in their (depressed)
ways up there that they can't see fit to change it.
We called again on xmas day, at least she found it in her
to put a few gifts for them under the tree, they seemed
excited about (books n clothes?).. Anyway they have a nice
gift certificate we sent to buy whatever they want.

All we can do is keep on doing what we're doing and hope
things come around. I feel bad about it - but this is such a
mess it may never get straightened out.

paradisemommy replied: at least you know they are safe...i bet they'll be so happy to get your gift certificates you sent. so did she say why she wasn't calling back? i think i would be furious. poor guys - sure wish they would decided to move in with you..sounds like they would be so much happier..

A&A'smommy replied: I'm glad they are alright.... that is horrible what their mother is putting them through! (((HUGS))) maybe they will get out of that soon... so sad for their mother