What would you do? - If forced to make a hard choice

Doctor_Mom wrote: As a therapist it's my job to help people get through tough situations. Sometimes people come to me for a second opinion on a smaller issue they're facing, while others come to me with a broken heart and huge decisions to make.

*Disclaimer: Due to confidentiality, I've changed most of the details in this story, as to not identify the client in any way but the scenario is the same. Sometimes I ask myself how I would handle the same situation a client/patient is going through, and what others would do. So I'm giving you a scenario and want to know how you would handle this situation if it were you facing it. It's a sensitive subject matter so I ask that you respect other's right to their opinion, even if you don't agree with it. Thanks

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The Scenario:

You are in your early thirties and have four children with your spouse. Your children range in age from 4-10. You and your spouse love one another very much but the relationship is strained due to financial difficulties as well as your having a serious illness (ex; cancer) you are being treated for. You have recently found out you are pregnant. Due to treatments, your period has been absent so you had not missed a period to alert you to a pregnancy. You eventually took a home pregnancy test due to feeling 'strange' and suspecting a pregnancy. You go to your doctor who orders an ultrasound to determine the gestational age of the baby you're carrying. During the ultrasound you find out you are 4 months along. You see the baby's hands and feet and watch it's tiny heartbeat pumping away. You decided to keep it a secret from your spouse until after the ultrasound so you will have more details to give him when you break the news.

Your doctor has told you that there is a high possibility that the baby will have already suffered due to your medical treatments and a medical abortion is your best option. You finally tell your spouse what is going on and he is obviously concerned over the effect the medical treatments have had on the growing baby and what carrying the baby to term could mean for both you and the child.

What would you do in this situation? If you were male, what would you want your wife/partner to do in this situation?

Some things to consider:

- Going through with the pregnancy would mean your medical treatments must be put on hold until the baby is born, which could cause the illness to become worse and jeopardize your life.

- If your other kids find out you are pregnant, they will want to keep the baby. However, they do not know how sick you are so telling them anything at this time is a bad idea.

- The ultrasound showed the baby 'appears' physically healthy at this point but the doctor cautions you to keep in mind that the baby is already four months old and has been subjected to extremely harsh medical treatments for the past four months and there are most likely physical and mental defects that can't be detected at this time.

- You are already attached to the growing baby (no pun intended). You've seen it on the ultrasound monitor and have pictures of it. You are now aware that the tiny movements you have been feeling are not gas but rather the baby inside of you.

- Putting off treatments could mean you are at risk of your illness getting worse and potentially causing your death, leaving your spouse and kids without a mother.

- Your marriage is already struggling due to money issues and your spouse tells you he believes though it will be painful for you both, you should get the abortion. Keeping the child will most likely strain your marriage to the point of a break up. Your spouse has said he will support you no matter what you decide but you know he wants you to abort for the sake of your health, your other children, and the financial stress keeping the child will bring.

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There is the scenario. Please take a moment to consider all of the factors involved before saying what you would do in this situation. Remember, you are already four months along so you have very little time before aborting would no longer be an option. What choice would you make?

kimberley replied: wow, that is a very tough situation. those poor people.

well, the fact that he said he would support her no matter what she decides tells me that there is still a lot of love and care between these people. coming from a very catholic background, i don't personally believe in abortion. no matter what the stakes are healthwise, i would still not be able to take the life of my own child. especially after seeing and feeling those tiny movements and heart pumping away. it is my faith that would make me believe that i would manage somehow and if i ever came to the realization that i just couldn't provide for the child, there are millions of loving people who are unable to have their own children who would feel blessed to raise mine. i believe there is power in prayer.

if i were the man, i would take the same stand you suggested... be supportive no matter what she decides. i would probably prefer she aborted for financial reasons but will love the baby all the same when it is here. (sorry, not real good at thinking like a guy lol).

as a counsellor, i would urge them to keep communicating their thoughts and feelings to each other in a constructive manner and maybe suggest some ways that extra money could be made to help the family. (ie neighborhood bakesale, church raffle etc).

i hope things get better for them

3forme replied: Hmmm, very interesting scenario. Personally, I would keep the baby. I do not believe in abortion for myself, personally. What other women do with their bodies is their business. And my body is mine. I have a very strong faith in God and I would put this completely in his hands. Even though it seems hopeless, good could still come from this. I would have exstensive tests done if possible. I would talk everything over with my husband and my doctor.

This is just my opinion...
Julie

~Roo'sMama~ replied: ITA with Kimberly. As a Christian I believe abortion is wrong no matter what the consequences. I would never be able to take the life of my own baby just to save mine, and if there was something *wrong* with the baby after it was born I would, with God's help, love it the same as my other children.
I'm not sure how I would feel if I were a man, but I know my husband would say the same thing and support me no matter what happened, and we would have to trust God to keep our marriage together during such a difficult situation.
I really feel for these people...I hope everything works out for them!

5littleladies replied: I would keep the baby. I am a Christian and I believe abortion is wrong, no matter what. Even if it cost me my marriage-If it would cost me my own life I would not sacrifice the life of my child. All I could do is put everything in God's hands and trust Him and His plan for my life and for my family.

I think Kimberly made some excellent suggestions. It does sound like even though there are problems in the marriage there is still love, and I hope that they can work everything out.

Maddie&EthansMom replied: I would keep the baby. No questions asked.

Jamison'smama replied: Oh, what a hard situation. I have no idea what I'd do, I am wondering when they would be able to get a level 2 u/s or other testing to find out what difficulties the baby might have. Does the family have any religious convictions that will determine the route they will take? If they have a special needs child, they would qualify for financial help but it sounds like any more children would be a struggle in general. What are the risks of her stopping treatment for 6 months? With several children in the home who need their mother, it is such a hard situation to consider.

loveydad replied: I really don't like these posts they always go south. Just cause abortion is a heavy heavy topic- a long time ago someone posted about abortions and we all fought. It just runs too deep.

I don't believe there should ever be an abortion. I believe that those who do them are awful people.

Doctor_Mom replied: I can definitely see why people would fight when it comes to sensitive subject matter like this, but I think that can be avoided when people respect other's opinions, even if they don't agree.

I find that there's no real reason to argue when people answer the question about what they would personally do in this situation, instead of what they feel *everyone* should do. Know what I mean Vern?

Answering a question such as this one gives you a basic idea of what it's like to be a therapist. When it comes to other people's lives I can't allow my personal feelings on the matter to interfere with what someone else feels is right or wrong for their own life.

I too am a Christian and have been the majority of my life. When it came to give advice to the couple I spoke of in the scenario, my religion or personal feelings on abortion are irrelevant. I didn't give them advice. I walked them through all of their options and listened to what they were really saying. We're all capable of deciding for ourselves, so I respect that and don't judge others.

So what would I have done? Honestly, this was tough for me to answer because I can't picture not being really cautious in the first place if I was going through medical treatment. If I were in this situation I would want to see an Oncologist to determine exactly how the medical treatments could have affected the baby, and how putting treatment on hold for 6 months could affect my life. If I knew for certain that there would be minimal damage to the baby and I would not be risking my life then I would keep the baby. With that said, religious or not, I feel my responsibilty is to the children that are already relying on me to stay alive and be there for them. If keeping the baby meant I would die, then I would abort. It would be very painful but I know for certain that I serve a God of love, mercy, and forgiveness and if I was forced to sacrifice a child for the sake of the four I already have, I don't doubt God would still love me and forgive. I'm sure religious views play a role in what people would decide in this situation but the God I have served my whole life is not harsh or rigid. He sees us as his children and when our kids do things we don't approve of, we hurt over it, teach them, and love them regardless.

I would not abort if my marriage was strained because if it's already strained, then that shows there's a problem regardless of whether or not a new child enters the picture and I know my own dh would be willing to work through any problems we had. As for the child being special needs, well that wouldn't faze me either as I specialize in all types of special needs and my adopted son has special needs. So there's my answer...the only way I would abort is if continuing on with the pregnancy meant the children I already have would lose their mom. My son lost everything when he was removed from his home and his biological mother said she didn't care what happened to him. I vowed to that little boy that I would do my best to always choose what's best for him and there would never be a time I would willingly choose to leave his life. If keeping a baby meant my son would again lose his mother, then I would abort.

If there's anything I've learned in my years of working with kids and families it's that we never truly know what someone else is going through until we walk a mile in their shoes.

Thanks so much to all who answered my questions. I respect your honesty and courage

TeagansMom609 replied: That would be hard. But I personally would rather live my life and try for another baby at a time when I wasn't so sick. That way my child would live life with both parents and not have to grow up with the chance of not having a mother. I think its basically suicide if you know keeping the baby could kill you. I dont think its a good idea to leave 4 children behind. You have to think about what would be better..your kids to have another sibling or to have a mother. But thats just me...

party-of-six replied: Without having read the other replies...I could not abort the baby due to financial reasons.....BUT, if the baby had been damaged due to my medical treatments, then yes, it is something I would explore...NOT because I could not handle a baby with some defects but it is not the design of God....but I would be sure there were life threatening defects with the baby prior to going thru with it. UNLESS there was 100% certainty of these defects and I myself could see them in the tests....it would not be done.

I know someone who had to put her cancer treatments on hold...she was told to abort...she refused. She has the most beautiful son I have ever seen.....and he is 16 now......she is fine and so is he.....
That is not to say that in this case she would be okay....I think her medical teams need to come together and work together to help her make the best and most informed decision, and given the gestational age of the baby, they are almost out of time....

A&A'smommy replied: I believe abortion is wrong no matter what but if it was me I couldn't do it whether I believed in it or not.

loveydad replied: Whos Vern?

superlydia replied: I would see the pregnany through. You never know what God has planned for your life or your child's life. I would prepare for the worst so anything short of that happening would be a blessing.

kimberley replied:
didn't you ever watch those "Ernest" comedy movies with Jim Varney? he was too funny!

Boys r us replied: I would explore BOTH options but since I'm not in this situation and all of the details are foggy, there is no way I can say what I would do.

ammommy replied: Wow, this is a tough one. I am anti-abortion, however in this case I'd have to consider it seriously, especially if I would have to forgo necessary medical treatment. What good could come if I brought a child into the world then wasn't there to help raise it? I also wouldn't want that child to be resented. Thinking emotionally, not logically, I could see the surviving family, especially the younger children, grow up resenting the child because it took Mommy's life. I know that's not necessarily what would happen, but it could. I'm thankful that I'm not in this situation. Hopefully, the DH will support his wife and help her make a decision.

mom21kid2dogs replied: I've actually known 3 people in this situation (different kid # but all with cancer and pregnant). All continued the pregnancy. 1 spontaneously aborted, the other two postponed chemo, gave birth to healthy children. One mother subsequently died (she was a childhood survivor of a brain tumor which reoccured as an adult). Ironically she did have 4 children. The other survived and is cancer free.

Personally, I would continue the pregnancy as I could never abort my child regardless of my situation. I would also work on getting my "ducks in a row" so to speak and making concrete, legal, long term plans for my children in the event I am not around to raise them.

jcc64 replied:

Took the words out of my mouth. It's an awful choice, but I think her first obligation is to the children she already has. Cancer, an uncertain future, 4 kids, a strained marriage, financial difficulties, and then to add to all of that a special needs child? How much can be piled on a person's plate before it simply tips over? I can't answer that question, not knowing her, but I'm simply sorry she or anyone has to make such a wrenching decision. I would hope as Christians that those who don't believe in abortion would show the same compassion and empathy towards women like these that they show towards the unborn child, regardless of the decision they ultimately make.

DansMom replied: I know someone who went through this. She was going through chemo for treatment of MS when she found out she was pregnant, and quite a ways along too. They were fairly certain the baby would have health problems. They had a healthy baby (so far anyway---he's about a year old), and the mom resumed treatments after.

I know another woman who discovered she had spinal cancer while she was pregnant. She died of the cancer about a day after her healthy little girl was born. She was catholic and felt strongly about her choice, against her doctor's advice, knowing that without treatments she herself would certainly die. Her husband didn't agree with her decision, but he couldn't persuade her to change her mind. He adores his little girl---this was some time ago, and she's in elementary school now. He's come to peace with things finally, but it took some time, and he had a baby to raise on his own (with help from family of course).

I don't know what I would do. It's so sad to think about. I'm pro-choice, but personally abortion is not the choice for me. I couldn't do it, especially after seeing the baby on ultrasound, and especially after the first trimester. The point made about ensuring survival (or trying to) in order to be a parent for the other children really makes sense to me though. Just last night, I realized after reading a story in the paper that I would be unlikely to help a stranger in trouble if doing so put my life in jeapardy---solely because I would put Daniel first---ensuring my survival for his sake. This is quite a conflict for your client---I feel for her.

aspenblue1 replied: That would be a hard decision but I would have the baby. I could not abort my child.

My2Beauties replied: I agree with your last post Doctor Mom, if having the child meant that I would be able to live the rest of my life with the daughter I now have and the possibilty of my daughter resenting the new baby for my death, I would abort! I don't really belive in abortion neither, but I do pay attention to the circumstances when women have one, this is just one of those exceptions! But that said too, they should have used a form of birth control as well, if they did and it slipped up then I'm sorry for saying that, but if they didn't and this is the result then well...they should have though a little more about that! But that is still no reason for her to die leaving 4 (maybe 5) kids behind with no mother! Just my 2 cents!