What would you do?

coasterqueen wrote: My grandmother always has Christmas dinner at her house and all of the family come over there. Every year it is soooo smokey in there with all the people who come and are smokers. Last year, we told grandma that we were not coming becuz it will be smokey and we didn't want Kylie around that. She told us she would make sure everyone went outside and to come. So we did. It was very smokey in there anyways, so of course we were mad and didn't stay long.

Well this year we called her and told her we definately were NOT coming for dinner, but we would come and visit her later that night after everyone was gone. . She was so upset. She said she would be sure this time to make sure everyone went outside to smoke. So of course as grandma is balling her head of I said "okay, we'll come, but only if it's not going to be smokey".

I feel bad because I feel like I am forcing her to do something and to make others not do things and it's not even my home I figured we would just come later that evening but she wants her whole family there together, not at seperate times.

I know it will be smokey again, and I know we'll end up leaving early.

What would you do? Do you feel like I am forcing her into a situation? Dh is mad because I told her we would come. He thinks we should just wait til later that evening and go.

mummy2girls replied: well this is my oppinion...I know its not your house and you feel bad but its kylies health that comes first. My ex's mom smokes and so does the brother and other family mombers and i tell them the only way im coming over is if you smoke outside or confine one room as the smoking room. So she did smoke outside as did the others but now that it is soooo cold out they confine themselfs to the bedroom. Ive walked into that room and i cant even breathe its so bad. Maby they can pick a room as the smoking room?

Dont feel bad about stickiong to what you want and believe. If you really feel strong about it dont go when everyone is there just come later. But if it comes to a point then just do what you did last year..leave early.

coasterqueen replied:
That's what they did last year was picked one room to smoke in, but it was sooo terribly smokey in there that the smoke drifted into other rooms in the house. Her house is a small box so any smoke anywhere in the house goes into the next.

maliksmommy replied: I would definately stand your ground and if they are smoking inside then just leave. I know it's hard when you want to please your family and see everyone for the holidays but you have to think of Kylie's health also. I hope your grandmother sticks to what she says and makes them smoke outside so you can all enjoy Christmas together

kimberley replied: i think you were right the first time by saying no. she should understand that all these smokers are risking your babies' health. she could develop asthma or allergies and it is just plain unhealthy and rude! i have the same problem at my grandfather's house at x-mas, but he knows why and enjoys the one-on-one quality time he has with the kids when we come on a different night or after the rest has left.

i also feel a bit guilty about making people not smoke in a house that is not mine, but they are MY kids and if people want to spend time with them, they can deal with it for a few hours. if i don't look out for them, who will?

MomToMany replied: I personally think that it's fine to ask her to do that. I'm sure there are other kids around there, too. Maybe she would put a sign up on her door that says "no smoking inside please for the childrens' health" or something like that. I know I don't want my kids around all that smoke, either, so I don't think it's rude to ask at all. I mean, the other people should be considerate to the others' feelings, too. If they know you don't like all that smoke, then they are just being rude by smoking in the house.

If she can't guarantee that it won't be smokey, just tell her that you will come up later after everyone else is gone. Even if they stay in one room to smoke, it still spreads throughout the whole house. They should smoke outside away from the door. If that sounds mean, I am sorry. But just remind them of all the dangers of second-hand smoke.

Shooter replied: What you're doing is called "taking responsibility for the health and well-being of your child", and how can anyone fault you for that. We all have to make decisions and you have made a very prudent one. If the rest of the party decide to not observe your wishes, then they should realize what the consequences of that will be and you shouldn't feel the least bit bad about leaving. Frankly, I don't think YOU should be the one feeling as though you are in the wrong here and stressing over it.

A&A'smommy replied: i agree with you, its not good for anyone to be around that stuff let alone a little one! I wouldnt go either....

Hillbilly Housewife replied: Well, how much of a hassle is it to get there? Cuz when you get there, you could just politely ask everyone to smoke outside for the remainder of the time you are there.... and if they protest, leave. Simple as that. I don't take no bull from my family.... and only my mom smokes, but she never smokes in her house. And my dad lives an hour away, but has a huge house, so if he smokes in another room, it doesn't get smokey at all around Zach.... so it's ok.

Maddie&EthansMom replied: I would do the same thing! As a matter of fact, my FIL smokes and we don't go inside his house b/c it is so smokey. DH can't stand smoke (I don't know how he lived with it for so long) I can't stand smoke and we certainly don't want Maddie around it. So, when we visit him we take him out to eat or something. Stand your ground. I agree with everyone else. It is your child and your health.

Julie (jem0622) replied: Stand strong and stand firm! Don't put up with that! She promised one thing last year and you trusted her and the promise was broken.

You are doing the right thing by not boycotting altogether. Rather, you are coming later when things are less icky.

Do not back down. You have a family now and they are first. You love your family, but you have to do what is in the best interest of your husband and kids first.

HUGS
Julie

MommyToAshley replied: I can't add much more than what has already been said. I just have to agree that you are doing the right thing for Kylie. She is not old enough to stand up for herself, so you have to do it for her. Her health is the most important thing. We don't go to Ashley's Great-grandparents because they smoke a lot and we don't want Ashley around that smoke.

I like the idea of having your grandmother hang a sign on the door before everyone arrives. Then, everyone will know what is expected.

Let us know what you decide and how it goes.

CantWait replied: First off, I don't think you should feel bad, if it's that important to her that you come then she should make everyone go outside to smoke. It's a nasty little habit that even she shouldn't want around her grandkids. Everyone else should also understand.

If you notice it to be smokey when you get there, then leave right away and come back when you know it to be a better time. I know by then it will be too late to have your own dinner, but maybe she'll get the hint that you're unhappy about the situation and her promise.

I hope everything works out. I guess that's one good thing about not going to Toronto this year. Not having to put Anthony in a smoking situation. Good Luck

Kirstenmumof3 replied: As a non-smoker myself, I know exactly what you are going through! I would have a hard time saying "NO" to my Grandmother, but I have! My DH and I have not celebrated Christmas with my Dad's mom for about 5 years now. It was a combination of alchohol and smoking that really turned us off. I think if your Grandmother wanted to see you that badly she would understand your position and would also understand that you do not want your child exposed to that! DH and I used to drop into my Grandmothers house for about 10-20 min before everyone got there, but we have stopped doing that all together. It's just not worth it to me anymore! I hope your Grandmother understands and know that it will be difficult the first time, but it does get easier!

Edited to add that my DH does smoke and he even found it hard to breath at my grandmothers house!

jen replied: Okay honestly I used to be a CHAIN SMOKER! but when I found out I was pregnant with my little baby girl I can't wait to have! I quit no questions about it threw out the pack I had and never looked back at it again and never will...........most smokers at least that I know, do know it is unhealthy they are just addicted to it and love smoking at part of their life.....BUT it is common courtesy not to smoke around a baby, child adolescent, pregnant woman or anyone who DOESN'T smoke for that matter. I would have never smoked in someone's house with other people in there that did not smoke--------that is SO HIGHSCHOOL! Tell them to get the hell out of there and practice some decency! Sorry but I am always honest and to the point! Best of lUCK!