What would U do? - Conflicted

boyohboyohboy wrote: I have a dear friend...who is an elder at our church. she has been a friend to me in very difficult times. She also councels young women at the church which is how I met her. She and I became so close, and I consider her more like a mother figure then a friend. She was present for my wedding, and has been there for the birth of my two sons. She was also present when my children were baptised.
she had two major strokes on sunday, and the church has been keeping us all updated via emails.
the emails specifically state that the family does now wish for visitors.
Now last night the last email said that she was paralyzed on the right side, and can not speak, and had to have a drain inserted into her head to relieve the pressure of fluid. I am afraid she is going to die.
My question and conflict is, I dont want her to die without my getting to tell her one more time thank you for all she did for me. I want her to know how much I love her, and I want to just see her one more time.I cant imagine her not being a part of my life.
I am not close and hardly do know her family. I am afraid they might not let me see her, and worse yet they might get upset if I do go. I dont want to do that. I am sure this is hard enough for them.

What would u do? I am feeling like I am being selfish for wanting the last things I do. Its not for me to interupt such a personal time with the family.
I have never lost someone so close to me before, I cant stop crying every day. Its interfering with my daily routines, I cant hardly take care of the kids without crying and I think my husband hates coming home now a woman who is such an emotional wreck. He is supportive, its just my own interpretaion of the situation.
I guess this is just normal greiving, but it is so hard.

Is this how you feel when someone close to you dies? I just didnt think the crying would last so long, and the feelings be so hurtful and deep.

redchief replied: I know that you are hoping to see her again face to face. Perhaps if you wrote to her, saying what you said here, when the family reads that letter, they would consider allowing you a few moments with her. If not, at least you can be satisfied that you have done all that you can to assure her that she has a special place in your heart and an eternal connection with your soul.

luvmykids replied: Losing a dear friend or family member is never easy but leaving things, even good things, unsaid makes it so much worse IMHO. Is there a way you can get in touch with the family and request a short visit? Let them know how much you respect their wishes and privacy but that if at all possible you would just like to thank her and say goodbye. The worst they can do is say no, but at least you'll know you tried.

paradisemommy replied: i would just explain to the family how she became like a mother to you and how important it is for you to see her one last time so that she knows how much she did for you and if it was meant to be then they'll let you see her - otherwise, i would just keep praying for her and she'll know how much she meant to you.

C&K*s Mommie replied: with all the above.

gr33n3y3z replied: please keep us posted on your dear friend
saying lots of prayers for her

PrairieMom replied: I would go see her. The family may not even be there. Go at dinner time or something like that so maybe you can avoid them. I can't imagin family not letting you see her tho. I know that I personally would feel comforted knowing that my loved one had people that cared for her so much Who knows, maybe the family needs a break from standing vigil, and you can actually help them out.

3xmommy replied: Personally, I do not think the family would mind. My uncle had a stroke recently.. 2 or 3 in face... and the way doctores see it, it is anything to help their patient comfortsble and even recover.

I say GO. If she passwa away. you will feel guilt that you didn't go visit her.

I am beyond sure that it would make her feel better. Let her know what she means to you and encourage her to fight with all she has!

-Dee

PrairieMom replied: What did you decide? are you going to go visit?

BAC'sMom replied: I would go and see her too. I would take her some flowers, if the family is there and tells you that you can't go in. Then I would tell them will you please give these(flowers) and let her know that I was here. Then I would find the hospital chapel and say a prayer for her. You can't blame a girl for trying. Therefor you will be atleast at peace with the fact that you tried to go see her. Good luck and she is in my prayer.

Boo&BugsMom replied: First I would contact the family members and tell them how close you grew to her and how you want to see her in case something tragic happens. If you explain to them how much she has been there for you, I would be shocked if they said no. The reason they said, "no visitors", may be to stop a constant zoo from going in and out of the hospital. Being that she helped so many people, they probably know that if they didn't say that, there would be so many people going back and forth all the time to see her.

If they say no, I don't know what I would do. It would probably upset me actually and I would probably go anyways around a time where there may not be anyone there. But I think asking would be a nice thing to do first.

Sorry for your troubling time. I know it's extremely difficult to watch or hear about someone you care deeply for go through extreme health issues, or have someone close to you pass. I had 3 relatives suffer and pass away within 3 months as a teenager, and it was heartbreaking!

boyohboyohboy replied: I just wrote an email to the woman who has been in charge of updating us daily with reports on my friend Joy, and I asked her if it would be possible to ask the family if I could visit just for 30secs. She is in ICU, and doing very poorly. The stroke really has taken away her ability to respond. I am not sure how bad it is, they are not being real detailed with the reports.
I have started a letter to her, telling her how special she is. I asked the woman at church, that if I am not allowed to see her, if they would consider reading a letter to her that I would write.
I am waiting to hear back now.

I just cant seem to get much else done. I sit and think about her constantly. I cant stop crying. My son keeps asking me whats wrong. Its so hard to explain to a little one. He asked God in his prayers not to take Joy to heaven, to let her come see him one more time.....its heart breaking.

thanks for the great advice and listening.....
I havent ever had to grieve someone like this before. I am not really sure how long to expect to feel this way.

boyohboyohboy replied: I just got an update from the church, they are holding a prayer vigil for Joy tomorrow night, and that makes me feel a little better. I would love to be surrounded by other people who love her.
I also spoke to the woman about sending a letter to her, and asked that the family read it to her.
She is doing rather poorly yet....
Thanks again for all the advice and support.

Maddie&EthansMom replied: Honey you need to go up there and see her. You could explain to them how much she meant to you. I bet they would be deeply touched to know that their mother meant so much to so many.

You are in my thoughts and prayers. I know how difficult this is...hang in there.

MommyToAshley replied: I am so sorry.

I haven't read anyone else's responses, so I hope I am not repeating a lot. I think it is important for you and her that you go to see her. I would contact her family and tell them just what you told us, how much she has meant to you. I am sure they would understand and let you visit. Call them... if not, you may regret it.

I'll share something very personal with you. When my son was stillborn, I was crushed and heart-broken. I didn't think I could handle seeing him... but with a little encouragement from my husband and the pastor, I got up the courage to see him. I am so thankful now that God put the people in my life that gave me the strength to say good-bye to my son. I know I would have regretted it and not forgiven myself had I not.

Go say thank you and good-bye.

amymom replied:

I have so much to say and do not know where to start. First, I lost my mom when my son was 4 years old. He was her only Grandchild. (she has 7 and one on the way now!!) It was difficult on me and on him. I understand what you and Caleb are going through. I believe the family said no visitors in order to keep the long line of people from coming. AND when in ICU the hospital has regulations about only family in. So it may not be possible to get in to see her and it may be possible, you should check in person, since you know her outside of just the church. But if you do not get to actually see her, you can help the family, they will need meals and prayers. When you are in action, you will feel better and Joy will know you are helping her family. We found out my mom was dying on July 4th and she died on July 13th. During those 9 days, I remember many who helped us, but never saw my mom, and they helped us for her not necessarily for us. KWIM. There were those that took my son for a few hours, so I could be with my dad, or with my mom. There were those who dropped off some food, or made me a sandwich. There were those that mowed my dad's lawn. Those are the things I recall that helped the most.

Take care. You and Joy's family are in my prayers.

boyohboyohboy replied: I sent word asking if I could visit Joy, and I am waiting to hear. I also wrote the letter last night and sent it out today.
The prayer vigil is tonight. I am a little nervous about that. I feel totally drained this week.

Now caleb is scared to death to die. He said he has such a nice big house, he thinks he would prefer to just live here forever and he no longer wants to go to heaven.

holley79 replied:
I was thinking the same thing.

I"m sorry you are having to go through this. I hoep that you get to see her though.

ashtonsmama replied: I'm so sorry Stacy...

I would definitely talk to the family, tell them how much she means to you, and see what they say, I would think that they would let you see her, they ought to, you were close to her as well.

KUP-many prayers coming her way...