What do you think? - smoking?
stella6979 wrote: My In-Laws want us to come to their house for Thanksgiving and my MIL is a HUGE smoker. I try my best to keep Avery away from the smoke as much as possible, but I know my MIL and how stubborn she can be. We haven't been to their place since Avery's been born and I was wondering if it would be rude of me to ask her not to smoke? Afterall, it is her house and she should be able to do whatever she wants, but I really don't like the idea of my daughter being exposed to it.
Boo&BugsMom replied: My parents smoke and I would never ask them to not smoke, but I have asked them to keep the smoke away as best they could, either by going outside, in their basement, or just away from the kids.
However, when people smoke inside their houses, no matter what, that smoke is still in the air from prior. So, even if they don't smoke when you are there, the smoke will still be in the air inside the house.
ETA: if you have a good relationship with your inlaws then it couldn't hurt to talk to them about it.
kit_kats_mom replied: Well, I think it would be rude to ask but there are things you can do. Where do they live? If it's in warmer clime, just stay outside as much as possible. If possible, stay in a nearby hotel also. If she asks, just blame it on the ped. "oh, he said to keep her away from second hand smoke". Even if she smokes outside while you are there, her place will still reek.
MyBabeMaddie replied: IMHO If your MIL wants you and your family to come bad enough than she can sacafice smoking in the house. Maybe she could go in the garage if its too cold to go outside? My mom smokes but I make her go outside if she knows I'm bringing the baby over. I started smoking again when I stopped BF (I wish I didn't I had quit for over a year) but I only do it outside and I change my clothes after I've smoked - I don't want an innocent baby to have to smell the disgusting stench of smoke she doesn't deserve it.
stella6979 replied: They live Michigan, same as us, and right now it's pretty cold out. We don't plan on staying the night out there so a hotel isn't necessary. I guess we just won't be visiting the Grandparents.
grapfruit replied: However, I don't think it hurts to "bounce it off of her". I'm sure she wouldn't want to put her granddaughter in harms way right?
Personally, I think it's gross to smoke in the house. I make my bf go outside, even when it's FREEZING.
Boo&BugsMom replied: I personally could never keep my children away from either of our parents just based on if they smoked.
A&A'smommy replied: My FIL smokes and he smokes around the kids.. he does better than he use too because my nephew has a touch of Asthma .... but anyway when Alyssa was a baby we would just leave the room whenever he was smoking and we still make Alyssa leave the room when he smokes.. thats the only thing I would suggest if you are spending the night I would get a hotel room and just say that you don't want her breathing the second hand smoke or that you don't want to put them out. Just depends on how well she handles honesty
stella6979 replied: I can understand that, however, I think smoking around children is just wrong, no matter who you are. I am adament about not exposing her to it, so I guess if she want to see her bad enough, she can make the drive out to our house and stand outside in the freezing cold to get her fix.
PrairieMom replied: The toxins in smoke stay in the home, they will be in the carpet, curitans, on the walls... they will also stick on her clothes and in her hair. If she is a very heavy smoker I would not expose my child to her home. I would suggest that she come visit you, and smoke out side if need be, and not hold Avery until after her hands had been washed. Unless your MIL had been living under a rock she must know that smoking is bad for you, and exposure to smoke and its toxins is bad for a child. I would explain your reasoning to her. Hopefully she is a reasonable person.
http://parenting.ivillage.com/newborn/nbre...0,,3wsj,00.html
stella6979 replied: Most likely that's what it will have to come down to. She'll just have to come by our house and suck it up if she wants to see her grandbaby. She's the type of person who constantly says things like "well I smoked during all 3 of my pregnancies and all my kids turned out fine." Sorry, that just doesn't fly with me.
C&K*s Mommie replied: "Six in one hand, half a dozen in the other" is what I think of when deciding on something like this. I agree that the smoke will still be present in the home and on her whether she is smoking outside temporarily or not. But on the other hand having a relationship with the grands is important to me.
For us, even though Chris's parents smoked in their old home around all the grandchildren we decided to make that sacrifice, despite my hesitation from the get-go so far they are healthy asthma free children.
Cece00 replied: I'd have her come to my house, and she'd have to smoke outside. I just really, really do not agree with people smoking around children. ETS is very harmful to kids and can really make them sick. I'd try to avoid it if you can.
MommyToAshley replied: I would be honest. I would tell your in-laws that you don't want Avery exposed to smoke. I would invite them to your house (and ask that they smoke outside) or offer to go to a restaurant for dinner.
It may be awkward, and I am one who always tries to avoid conflict, but not when it comes to the safety of my child. We had a similar situation with DH's grandparents (Ashley's great grandparents), but they were very understanding.
Good luck.
stella6979 replied: Don't get me wrong, I don't want to deprive her of a relationship with her Grandma but at the same time, I feel that if her Grandma wants that relationship she should respect our wishes and not smoke when Avery's around.
PrairieMom replied: yeeeaaahhhhh...... um, people used to do a LOT of things that aren't accepted now. She drove her car with out putting any of those 3 totally fine children in car seats too, but would she even consider doing that now?
stella6979 replied: That's a good question. Of course, we're talking about a lady who once told me to give my 1 month old Vernors to help with gas.
C&K*s Mommie replied: Do you think she will be understanding, even if you presented facts to the contrary in support of your feelings?
(despite her having smoked with 3 kids in the womb)
PrairieMom replied: The bottom line is that its YOUR job as a parent to protect your child. YOU make the rules, not her, so if you are uncomfortable having your baby around second hand smoke, than that is all that matters. If she wants to see Avery, she will have to make adjustments. Personally, I would be a little offended that she wouldn't take the initiative to not smoke around your child. She shouldn't have to be told.
PrairieMom replied: and what the heck is Vernors?
CantWait replied: I don't think it would be rude at all. My mom smokes, I've never had the gutts to ask her not to, even though she knows I don't like it.
You know what's best for your baby though.
stella6979 replied: I'm not quite sure. She's a very stubborn lady who's set in her ways and I'm just not a confrontational kind of person. When she came to visit the first time after Avery was born, I asked her to please wash her hands and she just looked at me and said "what? do you think I'm full of germs?" "kids need to be exposed to them, it helps build up their ammune system."
stella6979 replied: I couldn't agree more! And Vernors is a type of pop (soda) that's similar to gingerale.
PrairieMom replied: I hope you didn't clam up and hand her over after that. I would have said, "well, she is a MONTH old, and doesn't need to be exposed to ANYTHING"
AUGH! I had that EXACT conversation with MY MIL in october. great. Now I'm annoyed with my MIL, and she isn't even here!
Hillbilly Housewife replied: She's your MIL, right? Have your dh deal with it. Have him tell them that if they don't want to stop smoking while you guys are around, then you will not go... and that if they DO smoke while you guys are around, you guys will leave.
If they DO smoke around you, it's important that you follow through on your threat to leave... otherwise, they've got you by the "cohones".
Otherwise... since the distance seems to be close enough to just visit for a day trip...maybe you can compromise and spend the day visiting a museum or something together...
And FWIW...kids DO need to be exposed to germs. It does compromise their immune system if they aren't exposed to germs... because their bodies don't produce any antibodies, and they will be sickly adults. Of course, I mean the "harmless" cold germs, not icky toilet seat germs. ![emlaugh.gif](http://forums.parentingclub.com/html/emoticons/emlaugh.gif) ETA - at least that's what my GP told me... about older infants, not a 2 months old baby... and I'm not telling nayone to roll their child in dirt now....
stella6979 replied: Actually she was only 3 days old and heck no, I didn't hand her over. I looked at my DH and just said "well, I guess your Mom doesn't want to hold her" and handed her over to my FIL, who did wash his hands.
Hillbilly Housewife replied:
Calimama replied: I'd just ask her to keep her smoke away from the baby. I bet she'd be understanding. Good luck.
PrairieMom replied: ITA, BUT they will get plenty of germs naturally, and infants get so sick so fast. its always a good idea to wash, plus those smoke toxins stick on your skin...
1lilpeanut2love replied: I couldn't agree more. I have relatives that smoke, but when I come over they smoke outside. My SO smokes and has NEVER once smoked inside. It is SO bad for their health. If you are that concerned I would talk to her about your feelings or get your hubby to. Just my honest opinion. I hate smoke!
stella6979 replied: Trust me, I don't plan on keeping her in a bubble or anything. I know kids need to be exposed to all that, but at 3 days old I wasn't about to just throw her to the wolves and hope she survived. I mean, is it really that big of a deal to ask someone to wash their hands?
1lilpeanut2love replied: I was a germ freak for the first several months of my DD's life. I would make everyone wash or sanitize their hands before they were allowed to touch her. I see where you are coming from. You just want whats best for your child. I am NOT that bad anymore!
cameragirl21 replied: Stella, i have very strong feelings about this and i hope what i'm about to say doesn't offend anyone but i can tell you as a chronic asthmatic, i don't get up in the morning or go to bed at night without taking a regimen of medicine and for this reason, i am absolutely and unequivocally opposed to anyone smoking around children ever for any reason even for a split second. statistically speaking, parents who smoke have a higher incidence of asthma in their children and incidentally, my dad smoked when i was little and he didn't smoke around me but i still have asthma. and i'm not trying to blame my dad, he didn't know but still, i can tell you i don't allow anyone around me to smoke in front of children, i've actually approached strangers if i was out and about with children and asked them to put out their cigarette and no, i don't think it's rude, it's just common sense in protecting young, growing lungs. i can tell you also as a photographer, much of my work is done with children and no one on my set is allowed to so much as bring cigarettes, even if they don't smoke them. today i shot at a fashion designer's HOME and when her hubby and assistant wanted to smoke, i kicked them out. so no, i don't think it's rude for you to expect your MIL not to smoke around Avery, the consequences are way too high, just ask me next time i have to reach for one of my inhalers.... granted, this is JMO and everyone has to do whatever they feel is best for them.
holley79 replied: When I became pregnant with Annika my mom and other family members all had the smoking talk. I asked them to please refrain from smoking in their homes as it would still be there when we came to visit. The number one rule is there is no smoking around Annika. I am a smoker (as I started back up ) and I don't smoke anywhere near Annika nor wear the clothes I smoked in around here.
Everyone has been very good about keeping up their end of the bargin.
MyLuvBugs replied: I definately agree that you need to just flat out tell her that there will be NO smoking around YOUR child. And that you do not feel comfortable taking her to a home that smells of smoke (if it does ), so you'd like to compromise and have them come and visit you or meet somewhere neutral.
Bet your wishing Michigan was a smoke free state though. HA!
Crystalina replied: I smoked everyday up until I found out I was pg. Then I quit cold turkey because I didn't really have a choice. I was pg for God's sake! My thoughts were if I can't enjoy a freakin' cig then no-one around me can. After having her I never smoked and I will not be around anyone who does. If they get offended then so be it. These are my kids and they will not have someone else's stinking cig smoke in their lungs. Yes, I know that in public it can happen that we are near someone with a cig but very briefly and only until I can find an escape route with them. I smoked for many, many years but even when I did I didn't do it around kids or in restaraunts...ooh, don't even get me started about smoking and non-smoking sections. If you don't want to hurt your MILs feelings then just tell her to come to your house. I'm very outspoken so it's no problem for me to tell anyone not to smoke in front of my kids but then again we just never go to anyones house who smokes. Even outside I've told family members that if they are going to smoke to stand downwind from us. No, I don't have a right to tell people what to do and I don't make it a habit but if someone comes into "my space" with a cig I tell them not to come any closer but I would never walk up to someone and say put the cig out.
sparkys2boys replied: Im sure that she will have the kids best interest at heart also.. talk to her. If she gets angry or upset then try your best to not expose the kids to much smoke. I'm sure that she would be reasonable about it.
lesliesmom replied: I agree with a previous post...invite them to your house or go to a restaurant. If that is not acceptable then make her leave the room when she wants to smoke. It's a tough decision to make, as to how to handle it, best of luck..
BTW... vernor's?!? for a newborn?!? What is she thinking? I dont' think I gave my kids Vernor's until over a year - too fizzy for a sippy - it would practically explode.... (side note: hot vernor's sounds really good today...may have to grab some)...
What part of Michigan are you in??? Obviously I'm a Michigander too... Detroit area.
luvmykids replied: I'm answering as a smoker Because I am aware of the dangers to kids, I only smoke outside....not even in the garage because the smell still gets in the house. So I wouldn't take any offense to someone asking me to do it outside, since I do anyway. Even if she doesn't think it's a big danger you should still be able to ask her to respect your wishes for one day.
stella6979 replied: I'm in the Detroit area as well. Warren, how about you?
lesliesmom replied: how cool. I'm in Dearborn...not far apart at all...should try and do a play date or mom's coffee some time!
stella6979 replied: WOW! We are close! I'd like to say yes to the playdate, but I normally don't meet people I chat with on the net. Who knows though, overtime if we get to know eachother better, I just may change my mind. How old are your kids?
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