What do I do. - The sperm donor

lisar wrote: Well as we all know Lexi's sperm donor doesnt pay me anymore. Well anyways he is expecting a HUGE settlement. He wants to know how much it will take for me to say okay. That he never has to pay child support again. He offerd sixteen thousand dollars. I thought I was gona die laughing. I just wanted to slap him. Seriously! Luckily we were on the phone. But he wants me to come up with an amount. Is he stupid I think of it as I am putting a price on my daughter. And he just keeps saying dont look at it like that. What do yall think I should do? If I give him a total that we can agree on he will send me six thousand dollars right now. And then the rest when he gets his settlement. But I have to leave him alone till then. In other words dont take him to court and all that good stuff. I dont know that I can give him a total. SOMEONE PLEASE HELP...I just dont know what to say to him. I dont hate the guy so its not like I wanna see him go to jail for non payment. Especially when I know he doesnt have the money. He is going to borrow the 6 grand from his sister.

luvbug00 replied: i say go the leagal way. I made the "settleing" mistake already. He needs to take
financial care of the little girl he helped create and if it means he gets hulled off to jail then so be it.
It's not a question of wiether we like thease men or not. it's a question of is my child getting what they deserve? thease laws are made to protect our children from getting shafted and so we have to put our trust in that the legal system will do what is in the childs best interest. as we are sometimes blinded by anger or former feelings of kindness.

BTW how to ask you to put a price on your child. That makes me soo furious that he would have the gull!! I'm sorry you had to even hear him ask that.

coasterqueen replied: I'm not sure what to say as I've never had to deal with something like this - child support and all. I don't know really how it works. You get a set amount each month, but what happens when big things come up? Are they still liable to help out with those things? If so, then no set amount you ask for now is going to cover if anything huge happens or needs. KWIM?

I know you mentioned in another post about money, but think long and hard before doing something like this. It might help you financially now, but what about later?

stella6979 replied: Hmmmm, I dont have any advice on what to do, all I can say is whatever you do decide, get it all in writing and have him sign it.

Our Lil' Family replied: I would have no problem with it, because at least you'd have it now and not have to depend on him for the next 12 years or so. I'd figure out how much you'd like, a reasonable figure, per month until she turns 18 and tell him that figure. I think it's important to be responsible with it if it does work out though. Put it into something that earns good interest but is still liquid so you can get to it if and when you need it.

And yes, get it ALL in writing and notarized and make sure to have a clause in there that states that it is null and void if his settlement does not go through.

Good luck hun!

PrairieMom replied: I wouldn't settle for a lump sum, esp when Lexi is so young. you would really only be screwing yourself (and Lexi) out of $. He is the "father" and that should bare some responsibility.
$16,000 is not a lot of $, at all, esp in a lump sum. What is that a years worth of support? 2 years? when you think about it that way it doesn't seem like much at all.

If you were to ask for a lump sum I would make sure it is equal to the total he would owe you until he would be done paying, when she is 18 or out of school or what ever. Then I would make him sign over his rights to top it off.

so, what would he owe you? I have no idea what your numbers are, but lest just say...

?$500 a month? for what? 10 years ? at least? I have no idea how old Lexi is.

that amount there is $60,000.

lisar replied:
His total would be $158,400.00. If he was to pay the court ordered amount for the next 11 years. She is 7 by the way.
Also I have to think about the fact that, if I dont do this then it is going to be nothing but a fight over the next 11 years to get my money. I could take that stress off of me. And also he said he would sign over all right no questions asked. But if Lexi ever wanted to meet him when she is older he would have no problem with that.

I also think he is only doing this cause his wife is making him. I think he actually wants to know Lexi now, but he isnt out of respect for me. And he keeps telling his wife no that he wont go after her. So his wife is telling him to settle it all at once. I just dont think he is wanting to do this for the right reasons. KWIM?

Kirstenmumof3 replied: I agree that whatever you decide get it in writing! I think you should also consider getting some legal advice before you make your decission!

PrairieMom replied:
I was close, I guessed 8.
I can't imagine how hard it is to be in a situation where this stuff has to be considered.

grapfruit replied:
I'd also put a clause that he'd have to help if something major arose in the future...

luvmykids replied: That is so tough. You could look at it a different way though, instead of putting a price on her, buying him out so to speak. I might be remembering wrong but didn't you not want him to have contact with her? If thats the case it might be worth it to know you're done with him.

As far as his wife, if he's letting her decide wether he gets to know his daughter or not, he's a dirt bag and shouldn't have any rights

lovemy2 replied: I would find a way to get a good family attorney to sort something like that out so you don't do something you regret later on - if you can't afford one - call your local Bar Association - most counties have one - or the State of Florida should - there is always attorneys who do things like this pro bono or very low fees. I would NOT try to figure this out on your own.......

Good luck - I know its been a struggle

BTW - I don't know what you mean by HUGE settlement but $16,000 would barely pay for a year of a state college for her when she is college age - keep that in mind

Crystalina replied: Does he think he'll get off cheaper by doing that? I don't understand his reasoning for it. Either way he's paying so what does it benefit him to do this besides sounding like and @&&? Does he not want you to contact him anymore?

gr33n3y3z replied: He has to figure this part out First

YOU CANT put a DOLLAR amount on YOUR CHILD!!!!!!!!!
What a idiot

DVFlyer replied: Whether you do it or a court does it, a price is being put on your child's upbringing until they are 18. The difference is in the lawyer's negotiating skill.

According to your figure, that price is $1200/ mo. According to his settlement it would be $121.21. Pretty big difference. How "HUGE" is this settlement. Seems if it was that huge, he'd pay you a LOT more than $16,000.

Most likely, a lawyer would call this "bird in hand" (or something like that). Which means you have to decide how much you want to fight in the future and what you think the possibility of getting money in the future is. It might be better to settle now than fight later hoping to get more.

jem0622 replied: I would never ever settle. Sorry. HUGS and GL with your decision.

Calimama replied: No way would I settle with him.

Bamamom replied: I settle in a heartbeat if he could get me the $150,000. You could invest it wisely and make more money for Lexi in the long run. But DO NOT settle for less than he would be giving you if he paid you month by month from now till the. $16,000 - yeah right!!!!!!

redchief replied: I wouldn't settle for a lump sum. It would be too easy for him to pretend he never had a daughter, and that would be unfair to Lexi no matter how much of a @#%$%! your ex is. But if you decide that it's in your best interest to settle, be sure to extrapolate out what he would pay you over the next 11 years and don't budge too far from that figure. I would also be sure to place a clause into any agreement that obliges him for more should there be unforeseen events (like, God forbid, a major medical issue at some future point).

I'm pretty sure he's not going to go for a fair settlement based upon the joke he's offered. Don't forget that if he continues to refuse to pay his fair share you can always have a court garnish his wages or lien his home (see how his dear wife likes that hanging over their heads).

Cece00 replied: I would settle. I am not sure how much you should settle for, as that really depends on many things. His settlement probably would NOT be calculated as support in its entirety due to the nature of a settlement so its not like you could have his support raised, and if you two can come up with an amt you both find fair, do it.

I see ppl say DONT do it for various reasons ie because its easy for him to pretend he doesnt have a daughter (just one example I'm using) but frankly...he already is LIVING as though he doesnt have a daughter. I mean he has to think about it, what? Once a month if he writes a check? A couple of times a yr when he's dragged into court? To him, apparently he DOESNT have a daughter, his refusal to acknowledge her as his daughter in every way (he doesnt see her, doesnt pay support) is already going on.

You know you'll have to fight him for the rest of her minor yrs, so yes, you should try to come up with an amt you are both OK with, you should continue support until you receive that amt, and then you should file to STOP child support & then be a woman of your word and NEVER file for it, or any other expense, again.

Did you ever say why your husband wont adopt her & become her legal father so that she can be loved & wanted by TWO parents instead of just one? Then you wouldnt have to worry about him or his support, because he (your ex) wouldnt be her father and it wouldnt be his issue to support her or see her, your husband would be her father in every aspect.

boyohboyohboy replied: From the little bit i know about him. i wouldnt settle. you arent getting anything from him anyway, and chances are you arent going to get any from him even if you agree to settle.
you might get some initial money but you wont get it all.

dead beats are dead beats and when he gets a settlement he is only going to think of what he wants to do with it...not lexi.


I agreed to let my ex out...and we settled on a tiny amount of money so he wouldnt seek visitation. he never wanted to see my son, only threatened for bad things to happen to him if he had visitation of him because he wanted to get out of paying...so i let him pay me a tiny amount and i put it away for him and that kept the dead beat dad away...

so i say if you dont need it, and she isnt missing her "father" then let him go....
or else go the legal way...

is there someone in the court you can report this settlement too, and get your share anyway???

lisar replied:
My share would be around thirty thousand. Thats it. So if I can settle with him for I dont know around $50,000.00 I would come out ahead. And yes we would do it thru the lawyers and I would get my cut before he ever seen his. I wouldnt do it any other way. Also the thought of NOT having to deal with him for the next 11 years would be great. I have never denied him visitation but he has also never wanted it. He has already said that if she ever wanted to meet him he is willing. When she is older and understands this.

boyohboyohboy replied:
if you can go thru a lawyer and get your money, and make him pay for your lawyer also, since its his fault you even need one, then yes i would settle and she will totally understand when she is older. i did as my mom did it.

and i know just how you feel to be done with the man, and end it..
so i say go for it.

Danalana replied: If you can get it all in writing and legalized, I think it might be best to settle IF it's a respectable amount. Definitely not $16,000. And I'm not sure $50,000 is enough either, but that's your call of course. My mother went through this with my father. The only time he actually paid his support was when his wife made him. She took him to court one time and the judge told him he didn't care if he had to pick up soda cans along the highway, he WOULD pay it. She eventually got back time for something like $10,000, which wasn't even close to fair. I pray that you get what is fair for Lexi.