Vent at DF - Argument last night

My2Beauties wrote: OK so I know you guys have read several posts about how DF's grandmother keep Hanna during the day and loves her to deaht but by gollie has some old fashioned parenting skills Well anyways to make a long story short, his aunt comes over there and still smokes around here when I ask them not to, his grandma (i just found this out) gives her sips of her coffee ...WTF!! and she is making my daughter into a sissy (by this I mean when Hanna barely taps her head on something or hits herself with something she looks at people and waits for a reaction, if you pay no attention to her she goes on about her business and keeps playing, if you look at her or rush towards her she starts screaming and crying like she really hurt herself) so Brian's grandma rushes to her aid nomatter what she does and freaks out and makes Hanna cry uncontrollably! I had her to where she would walk holding you with just one hand and then I could let her go (I mean she would fall but she would let me go) and Brian's grandma won't do that so now she has regressed back to me having to hold both her hands and she holds on for dear life. She also still puts her in her walker when I have told her to use her walk-behind toys numerous times, she thinks those are dangerous too! UGH!

So anyways, now that you have background last night I casually mentioned to Brian that I would like to put Hanna in daycare eventually and he was like why so she can learn to pinch and bite and be bad...huh where did that come from, I said no so that they can teach her ABC's and how to count and that she can learn to share with other kids etc...(really it's so I can get her away from these people) and I said (after being pissed at this point) also Brian your grandma and aunt always undermine what I tell them, they give her freaking coffee for pete's sake and your aunt still smokes around her after I have told her not to numerous times and he said they ahve been raising kids for 50 years LeaAnn I think they know a little bit about what they are doing, I said I don't care they haven't been raising my kid and I want my kid raised a certain way and they can'e undermine me around her beause she will pick up on that as she gets older and he said I don't want to talk about this anymore if you want to pay $130 a week for freaking daycare then you do it and I'm not paying for it, this argument is stupid and you're making me mad Oooh he makes me so mad...

due_any_day replied: no offence but what a jack*** your DH was. he should show a little more support with how you want things done and so should the aunt and grandmother. its really not at all right of them to do this stuff after you've said not to.

my dad smokes so does DHs sister. i told them both if they want to spend time with maggie it HAS to be smoke free. i dont want that around her and what i say goes because i'm the one thats going to go through labor to bring her into the world.


if they dont listen to me they know i'll stick to what i say when it comes to how much time they get to spend with her.

then again i'm a vindictive little b**** about my yet to be born daughter.


good luck with your family...i'll be praying for you

kimberley replied: ugh! i would be fuming! coffee and smoking around the baby?!?!?! that is so wrong! and he doesn't have a problem with this? someone needs to knock some sense into him. daycare would be great even if it's just for the interaction with kids her age. she will be in a structured environment where they encourage independence, not regression. if you can afford it, i would get her out of there!

My2Beauties replied:
Yeah I will have to look into some prices, I havne't spoken to him since about it since tomorrow is his b'day I will let it slide through the weekend.

mummy2girls replied: I would be so mad!

If you can afford it i would do the daycare, even if for only a few hours during the day. I have had experiences with daycares but i finally found an awesome one and jenna has learned ALOT since being there. And now she is such a little chatterbox. And she used to be very clingy to me now she is a very outgoing little girl...

TeagansMom609 replied: He sounds like my DF. Everything that is a big deal to me he acts like im over reacting. Like his mother does stuff with Teagan I ask her not to all the time. But because she is an "experienced" mother, he thinks she knows how to do things better then me. WRONG! Things are alot different now, then when she had kids. When she had kids they didnt know smoking caused birth defects and said it was ok to smoke. Ugh... grandmothers are a pain in the A**.

My2Beauties replied:
yes and that ticks me off, his aunt will say I smoked for this many years and my kid is in perfect health, needless to say she lost 2 other children at birth and her 30 year old was born with leukemia!!! Goes to show people think that their actions do not affect others!

redchief replied: You're victims of one of the oldest family "power games" in existence. It nearly always happens between the mother-in-law and the new mom. (Please as I go on understand that my tongue is planted firmly in my cheek, and read to the end). You see the mother has the son and expects that said son will find a nice young girl just like the most perfect girl in the world (his mother of course). Well, the son is a great kid and all but he aimed just a little low and missed the target by a bit.

Well, no real harm is done because the son's mom is certain she can teach this young wannabe and bring her right along. Everyone knows that the wannabe is a new parent and, being so, will naturally be paraniod and overprotective, so it's up to the son's mom (being the only person capable of this educational process) to expose the grandchild (who belongs to the son BTW) to all of those things the wannabe is "afraid of". Now, the wannabe is nice girl and all, but she's so young, you know? (Tongue is now removed from cheek).

I personally saw this game play out before my very eyes on more than one occasion, and most profoundly, to us. I've seen it played using the the good son's siblings, too to help "educate" the new mother. In the 1980's when we started our family my mother played this game unmercifully with my wife. My wife asked me; no, demanded that I speak with my mother about this. For months I resisted, insisting though I knew better, that my wife was overreacting. Finally, after a tear-filled and exhausting argument with my wife, I confronted my mom. I felt like a traitor to mom questioning her actions with our child when she knew my wife disliked them, but I carried through anyway.

My mom was "hurt" by what I said when I told her that I agreed with MY wife about how our children would be raised and that she would have to respect that or risk less contact with her grandchildren. The reason I placed "hurt" into quotes was, not only did mom agree to my demands and start towing the line, she actually started asking how we felt about certain things. That was a beginning of what turned out to be a growing closeness between my mom and my wife that exists and continues to flourish today.

Will your situation work out that way? Who knows? But I know that was probably the first time I was forced to see that mom was far from the perfect parent, and that I could (and needed) to impress upon her my adult views. I didn't realize how godified my mother was until I had that out with her.

Good luck, and my prayers with you.

MommyToAshley replied: You have every right to be upset, not only with his family for not respecting your wishes when it comes to your child, but also with your DH for not standing by you. Sounds like grandma has made him a bit of a wimp too, and he's afraid to stand up to her. Sorry if that was too blunt, but I think a husband should stand by his wife on things like this!

I think you are right and should stand your ground! Either they respect your wishes on how you and your husband want to raise your child, or you'll find other care for her.

MommyToAshley replied: Redchief, I just read your post (we must have been typing at the same time). It's great to hear things from the man's perspective and I am glad you had the courage (as hard as it may have been) to stand up to your own mother. I think that's what it takes when it comes to in-laws, otherwise it will be an on-going battle.

redchief replied: Dee Dee,

Haven't played around with the "siggy" thing yet (almost afraid of what might come of it). My name is Ed

It was tough standing up to mom. Tougher still was removing her halo and seeing her as a fallible human being.

MommyToAshley replied:
My apologies, Ed. I think it is just a habit for me to use one's handle. Thanks again for sharing your experience with us.

My2Beauties replied: Thank you guys for all of your advice, after this weekend (since I don't want to start any arguments on our b'days) I am going to talk with him!

A&A'smommy replied: OH WOW!!!! I hope that you get what you want for Hanna out of your conversation! Good luck!!

ediep replied: oh wow! I would be considering daycare if I were you. The smokin and the coffe is very bad, but the fact is, they think they know how to raise Hannah better than you. It will probabaly get worse as she gets older if you don't do something

maestra replied:
Not only is that hilarious, but exactly what I think my MIL thinks of me Could be worse though, he could've married someone just like her daughter- the deadbeat.

Josie83 replied: So many people have this problem, and it is so annoying. Tell her how it is is my advice, tell her if she doesn't like it she can't have Hanna any more! I think day care sounds like a ghood idea!! xx