Vent about my sister - long

amynicole21 wrote: My beloved older sister is incredibly intelligent, beautiful, has a great job making loads of money and is my best friend. We haven't had a fight in over 25 years - can you believe that? She's had a string of not-so-great relationships with guys and has been noticing her biological clock ticking away for some time now (she's 34). Last November she met a guy online who seemed great. He's 45 and divorced with a 2yo daughter who lives with her mom. He moved into my sister's house about a month later, and probably another month after that he lost his job. Now he doesn't know what he wants to do, so he doesn't work. He collected unemployment for a while, but it's been so long now that his unemployment has run out. He gives her no money for anything - mortgage, food, trips (they go on vacations all the time!), utilities... nothing. He was paying child support when he was on unemployment (something like $10/week - all he could afford) but now that he's not working I'm worried that she's paying that too She really loves him (I guess) and they are talking about getting married and buying a house together and having a baby sometime soon. She swears up and down that he isn't using her, and she doesn't push him to get a job because he needs to find himself or something Plus, there's some nasty visitation hearings going on between him and his ex and he has to focus all of his energy on those.

My mother hates him because he is also very shy and anti-social, so he never wants to go out with friends (my sister's - he doesn't have any of his own) or to visit my mom. My sister's life has become all about him and she is alienating everyone else. I worry that she is putting the blinders on because she really wants to be married and have kids and she feels that time is running out for that.

I decided that I wasn't going to say anything to her about my feelings about this because if she was happy, I'm happy for her. I don't want to cause a rift in OUR relationship over this. I warned my mother that she needed to do the same thing because all of her comments about him were driving my sister away. Well, my mother didn't listen and told my sister all about how she's being used and suckered and how bad a person her bf is... and she said "and Amy feels the same way!" I can't believe she dragged me into this after I told her I wasn't getting involved! This all just came to light during a phone call with my sister last night, so I haven't confronted my mother about it yet, but I am so angry at her. After discussing all of that, my sister said she's ready to start trying for a baby and is going off bc. I want her to be a mom, but not with this guy... he's such a loser.

How do I keep out of this and let my sister make her own decisions when I KNOW they are wrong? It's none of my business, but I hate seeing her do this. I'm losing lots of sleep over this...

Wow - that was really long - sorry! There's even more to tell about the ex wife, but I'm not getting into all of that right now... it would be a novel.

mommy_loves_chase replied: honestly you kinda need to let her fall on her face it's the only way she will learn the more one is pushed the more the want to rebel, she is gonna do what she wants no matter what in my opnion

A&A'smommy replied: OMG Amy your poor sister!!! Maybe advice her that it would be better for her to wait until he gets a job so that when her maternity leave comes around she WILL be able to stay home and take care of the baby and do all those mommy things ((((HUGS)))) I hope she will see the light before she has a baby with him!!

luvbug00 replied: the fact that he is soo anti social,refusing to get a job and is cousing family trubble sends up a big red flag in my eyes. I think your sister should have him get a job to show that he's willing to do his part to keep this relationship healthy. I hope that she and him have discussed having a child at lenth and she is NOT paying his child support. I think that is not right of him not to pay for his own kids. Would she really want to have her kids with somone who aliantes the world and won't be of any help to her? I'm sorry this has become such a negitive subject for your family.

Kaitlin'smom replied: guess you can say I have been there done that with 2 sisters! while I was pretty you ng with the elsest sister I kne wthat marriage would not last and he was a loser well we were all right, and my others sisters first husband while he did work and try to provide he was so imature, i know she used him to get married before me and have a baby. Sad really. In both cases my parents said somethhnign to them it droev the both away and pulled from the family. they both had to see the lgith them self, did know take the eldest sister long the first tine as he put them in banrupcy doing pot all the time, unfortunally the second marriage has lasted longer then it should have, but thats another story.

sorry I guess my point is with my sister I am close to I just tried to support her and listen and be there for her while I would tell her something I would not tell her all nor would I sugar coat anything for her. I gave her the good and the bad I looked for good things in him (not always easy) to ease the bad. It was not until she reaslised it was really going no where, thats when I stepped up and voiced more, cousre she would ask why I did not say anything sooner but as I told her you were blinded, you would not listen.

So I guess my point is she just might have to make her own mistake

mckayleesmom replied: All you can really do is support your sisters decision and bite your tongue. My mom always stayed silent until after the relationship went sour...and that was best. Hopefully she will see things for herself, but if she doesn't...its her mistake to make.

Boys r us replied: I've learned this the VEYR HARD way with my best friend! and found that the ONLY thing you CAN do if you want to keep your relationship with her is to just be there for her and keep your opinions to a bare minimum! Let her fall and when she does she'll realize how strong your love for her is when you're there to pick her up!

coasterqueen replied: Grrr, I'd be angry at mom for sure. I think you have to continue to just be there for your sister and let her make her own mistakes. It's hard, I know, because my sister seems to make a lot of them and when I point them out to her she runs away. Then she's right there at my front door when I make mine. Just let her know you are there for her and hopefully everything will turn out ok.

jacobsmama replied: Yeah that sucks. My sister is younger than me but she doesn't make best choices and she hears it enough from everyone else so I try not to do that to her. So I know what you mean especially when they throw your name in there well she thinks so too! That sucks. Sorry she did that too you. If you are close then she will respect you telling her how you feel and maybe consider what you have to say..Just a thought.

CCTandME replied: I can understand your worry. Sucks when you can't MAKE someone see the light BEFORE things get worse.
Out of curiosity- how well does she really know him? I mean from meeting him online..... he could be anybody he wants online and lie. I'd do a background check of some sort. What state is he in? You can go to the state division of criminal justice site and type in his name. I know I'm probably over reacting, but anything to HELP her see the real him. Send anything you find on him ANONYMOUSLY and to her work so he doesn't get it.

Maddie&EthansMom replied: Oh no!!! That is so difficult.

As hard as it may be, you can't say anything. If you lash out at her it will push her the other direction (right in his arms) b/c that is all she has to lean on at the moment and of course he will say what she wants to hear (while your mother won't). Bringing a child into that relationship is the worst thing she could do. I would try to discourage her from having a child, but I wouldnt' say anything bad about the boyfriend.

Amy I'm so sorry. I have watched several friends do this to themselves and all three of my brothers. Unfortunately they have to learn from their mistakes.

Insanemomof3 replied: Wow. Sounds like he is a loser. I agree that he is using her. Kinda convenient that he loses his job a month after getting with her. UGH. I don't know what to tell you though. If you get into it, you could push your sister away. Maybe this one she need to just learn her lesson? Sad, but that is the only way at times.

And. WTF??? He is 45, and needs to FIND HIMSELF???? Isn't that a bit odd? I would think he would have "found himself" before. Just sounds like an excuse to mooch and be lazy to me.

mysweetpeasWil&Wes replied: with Nichole. Best to not say anything and let her learn on her own. I know how difficult that must be. But she is an adult and she may feel resentful towards you since you have what she may want. So whatever you say may sound like you're not being sensitive to her feelings, even if it's for her best interest. But I wouldn't point out that mom was lying when she said you agreed with her. Just own upto it and drop it. If she asks, maybe just say you're worried about the situation...but solely because she's bringing up getting pregnant, nothing else. Tell her that a baby changes everything. And leave it at that.

Wow, that's tough. Hang in there!

mammag replied: That has got to be so hard. I would probably just tell her (since your mom has already insinuated things on your behalf) that you are worried about her and are afraid that she may be making a mistake but no matter what she does you will be there to support her and will be happy for her if it is what makes her happy. Then if she asks what you are worried about you could give your opinion but if not she knows you'll be there if and when things go sour.

I hope things work out for her though. Maybe he'll suddenly shape up and all will be okay......

redchief replied: It's tough and I'm in a similar situation with my eldest son and his g/f. I have some serious trust issues with her because she's cheated on him mulitple times. I told him as tactfully as I could of my concerns and told him that I do not have the ability to trust her right now. I think he's in for a hard fall. Lisa and I have discussed this on many occasions. We're just going to support him as best we can and be there when things get rough.

Hope it helps in your situation.

NummyMommy replied: with happymom,mammaq and red chief...I'm so sorry for you and your family ....I have been on both sides of this issue. I see a lot of red flags that would bother any normal person....and bringing a baby into it will just complicate things (unless your sister is ready and willing to completely support this child as if she went to a sperm bank...which, come to think of it, might be a better alternative). What your mom did was wrong, spreading something told in confidence, but mothers are good at that....especially when they are trying to protect their kids. You guys can't protect your sister...ultimately its up to her...but IMHO theres nothing wrong with gently telling someone you love dearly that they may be wrong about something. Just make it clear to her that you love her very much and no matter what she decides you will always be there for her (trust me...she might know that but its still good to hear it....often). Just be careful not to make his (obviously) being a loser the issue....she'll just get defensive. Make it more about her and her plans for the future. When I was younger I went through this.....and I can't tell you how much it meant to me that my family and true friends were there to say "You're being a love-struck idiot" even when I wasnt ready to listen....because it gave me pause...and eventually I saw the light....and was saved from bringing a child into what turned out to be an abusive relationship (the guy ended up in prison for beating up his next girlfriend while she was pregnant with his child). If she says mind your own beeswax then respect that but at least a part of her may have listened to you. Sorry if this is

NummyMommy replied: Oh and BTW....just because she met him online doesn't mean she doesnt know him....Todd and I met online and our relationship bloomed from a deep respect and friendship and we've been together 6 years now just think of all these wonderful friendships you guys have for each other....you guys seem a lot like family here

DansMom replied:
I wonder how this fellow likes the prospect of being a stay-at-home dad? Because if he's not working, he best be prepared for that responsibility. It does sound like a bad situation, but in the absence of abuse I would express myself once, supportively, and not mention it again. As in: "I don't think you're making a wise choice, but I'll support you in whatever you decide." I know one person who was angry that none of his friends voiced concerns about who he was marrying. That was in hindsight, though---I'm not convinced he would have made a different decision with input from us.

It is bizarre that some highly intelligent women choose needy, self-absorbed deadbeats. Either the clock is ticking and she's making a rushed decision, or there is some security in attaching to someone who won't be motivated to leave. Although I have to wonder if being home with a baby all day will provide that motivation.

Sorry, Amy. Maybe she'll see the light before it's too late