Vent - It wasn't supposed to be like this - Long - Religion and discipline mentioned

Bamamom wrote: So when my husband and I started dating we had all these conversations about how our married life would be and how we would raise our kids. We saw eye-to-eye on everything. Some examples: family devotion every night, couples devotion after putting the kids to bed, strong consistent discipline, husband-led family, ect. Now he's not following through. I mean I know that married life and parenthood is alot different than we expected but we are committed Christians. We believe in a husband led home and he's leaving me dangling in the wind. We DO have family devotion and are in church on Sundays but we never have couples devotion and we only pray together when I have a meltdown so I've started to resent that because I see it as manipulation - ie "God please help Rhonda be strong. I know she's a strong woman and can handle this. Give her patience and encourage her through the day." So if I have a bad day it's my fault cause I'm not devoted enough or something instead of the fact that he's not helping!!!!

He does discipline Tripp but not consistently and not if they are having fun. The kid is 19 months old - he doesn't understand why its okay to pull daddy's hair or hit daddy when they are wrestling but not any other time and why it's never okay to hit mommy or Katie. YOU HAVE TO BE CONSISTENT!!!!! Then when I try to talk to him about this its like I'm the bad guy - this morning his response was "Well I guess I'll just have to stop wresting with him since it's causing all these problems." I wrestle with him too - but when he hits I tell him no and quit playing with him. I think that approach would work if DH did it too. Maybe I'm wrong but I'm just so FRUSTRATED!

To make matters worse my parents and the in-laws only make matters worse. I've been saying since Tripp was 6 months old - think about how this is going to work in the long run before you let him do something. Example - it's okay for a 6 month old to play with your digital camera because they can't really hurt it but now that Tripp is old enough to destroy one in moments no one wants him to touch them - but it's been okay to do so for over a year. That is so not fair to him. Or - they laugh when Tripp bites or hits them or says no but they don't see that it's not going to be funny in 6 months. I've tries to explain this but I GET NO HELP. From anyone. Another example - sippy cups. My initial rule was that sippy cups are only allowed in the high chair. When he wants a drink sit him with it in the chair and two things are accomplished - he doesn't get used to carrying it around and it doesn't get the floor all sticky when he drops it. Did anyone listen? NO. Now when he asks for juice Dh, parents, in-laws just hand him his cup. And while he's not terribly attached to it he does just drop it whenever he's done and so I'm constantly mopping the floor. I feel so alone in this. And everytime I try to talk to anyone its like I'm b*tch and I'm crapping on everyone's party. Why can't they help me make him behave and help me create less work like mopping and cleaning?

Right now I'm oscalating between "Here yall (DH, parents, and in-laws) can have the kids - raise them how you feel best. I give up" And just packing the kids up and leaving them (DH, parents, and in-laws) without telling them where I'm going. But I'm broke - anyone want to contribute to the Rhonda escape fund?

moped replied: Whew!!!!!!

Ok, first of all I am not entirely sure what a "husband run home" is........not trying to debate anything, but I am not clear on that?

Second, I think every single mother on here has felt the exact same way a million times, I have. IL's used to let Jack play with their glasses until they broke, all I said was it is not my fauly that you let him play with them.........

Sippy cup - why is it leaking????? I have never had one that leaks - or is it a regular cup?

I think once a couple is married a lot of things are different than when they were only envisioned or talked about ya know - it is easy to say this is how things are going to be but when it is truly happening it isn't always that easy.

Bamamom replied: By husband run home I just mean that he should take the lead in things like devotions, discipline, ect. Set the standard so to speak. We (I) believe that ultimately he is the one who will have to answer for our family and so he is the one who should lead us.

Sippy cup - you know how when they drop them some comes out through the holes at the top? We have hardwood floors and so those drops don't absorb - they just get sticky and when they are stepped in the sticky spreads. It's a little thing but very frustrating!

I guess I would feel better if I just thought he was trying. But he's not. He just wants to come home in the evening and be Tripp's best friend - which I can understand but it's still not how we (HE) said it was going to be.

moped replied: Well have a good heart to heart at the right time to tell him how you are feeling...........don't ge tupset, but tell him everything

Calimama replied: I would tell him pretty much like you wrote it here. Very honest, not accusing or anything. Good luck hun.

Kaitlin'smom replied: I would sit downa an talk to him, the biggest thing I woudl suggest you point out to him that if he does not disiplin or constant with certain things in a year or more when he gets tried of the 'cute' things the child will NOT listen and probaly think he is kidding basically not take him seriously. Truly he is causing more long term issues by not being on the same page as you now. Sit down and talk about it try not to say you all the time more approcach it like we need to, should help from him being defensive about the talk.

example we need to teach him no hitting, pinching, biting, pulling now rather than saying you need to stop letting him hit pr pull.....does that make sence?

sometimes I simply tell DH think about what you are doing or just did...meaning you want her doing that now or later?

Bamamom replied: I've tried but he starts looking like a whipped puppy and makes me feel like I'm a bad person/mom for feeling like this. Then he tells me what a wonderful mom I am and how things are going to change - yeah right. Same thing with my parents - the few times I've got them to understand why I want them to help discipline - or at the very least not encourage bad behavior - they say they'll help. But they never do. The kid is just so darn cute...but he's a little dickens underneath and the cute thing is going to wear off in a couple of years. Then he's not going to be "an adventursome, curious toddler" but a "ill behaved brat."

luvmykids replied: I feel your pain and Jenn is right, most of us at some point or another has had the same or similar frustrations

I have no advice on coming together in the discipline area other than, have you tried to point out how the inconsistencies complicate everything? Have you spoken up to the IL's about it? I think you could do it in a nice way, it may take some time for everyone to forget their bad habits but gentle reminders work wonders.

As for the devotions and prayer time, maybe you could take the lead. I know you agreed that he would but since he's not, instead of resenting it maybe you can nudge him back into.

eta: When you talk to him, try to keep your emotions out of it and instead of accusing, like "YOU do this" or "YOU don't do that" try "I would like it if WE could..." or "I need you to..." or "It would help me if..."

punkeemunkee'smom replied: First of all ! Honey we all have ideas of how to raise a child before we have a child! You sound like you are trying to do the best things for your son and that you want to have a well behaved child. I can tell you coming from the same desire that with alot of love and a few screw ups along the way you will get there! You can not be so focused on disipline that you forget to have fun. You are right you don't want to be the one who is always crabby! I understand what it is like to mop the floor 17,000 times in a week and be the ONLY one who mets out the punishment. It is no fun! It sucks and it is even worse when you are becoming bitter which let's face it obviously doesn't work either I am sure you have felt you have done it 100,000 times but try to re-explain (do not attack) to DH that you are having trouble during the day with Tripp hitting and calmly ask him that when they are wrestling-which BTW is awesome that he plays with Tripp- to not allow him to hit. He can explain to Tripp that this is the 'boys playtime' Mommy and sister don't like to wrestle...It will enforce the 'manly' bond and get you out of the line of fire. With the biting again explain it to the family...we can't laugh because it is not funny and it is not acceptable. I know this sounds crazy but (fake) cry when he bites. You would be amazed what a child can grasp with sympathy before disipline. We have always used the terms 'soft and gentle' and lightly touched the child's face or hands. Tell him that Jesus gave us hands to do good and help...he might not get it on the first time but he WILL! 19 months is still very young and you by no means are anywhere close to a place where he can't learn the right way. He is still learning remember and that is the first step before disipline even comes into play...he can't break the rules if he doesn't yet know the rules!

Bamamom replied:
Actually I think I'm going to try that with the devotions. I still don't feel like its my place but if we can get back to doing them together then maybe it'll help other things.

I've tried talking to him using We instead of you. I've also tried "venting" about the grandparents behavior in the hopes that he will pick up on the fact that he does the same things. The problem is he always sees my point, says I'm right and that things are going to change...but they never do. So I'm just exhausted with it all...I don't want to harp on this everyday. I just want him to recognize when he's letting Tripp do something he shouldn't. And in the past he has told me to point those instances out - but when I do he gets upset. I don't know what to do. I'm so tired of fighting this particular fight. It been since the kid was old enough to get into things he should - 8 months or so - I'm exhausted.

Bamamom replied: I love yall. I think part of the problem is that I havent' been able to talk to anyone about this. The main people I talk to - DH, parents, and IL's - are the problem. And I really don't wants to go to my friends - most of whom go to church with us and share our beliefs - and say"Oh yeah, my husband is falling down on his duty as a Christian husband, our son is turning into a holy terror, I feel terribly alone, and our family feels like its falling apart at the seams."

Thanks for listening to me and letting me vent. I needed this. I feel better already.

luvmykids replied: I know exactly what you mean with the devotions, feeling like it's not your place. I felt that way about A LOT of things but learned through counseling that my attitude of "I shouldn't have to ask/tell you, you should know it and do it" don't get us anywhere good. I'm still learning to get over the "If I have to ask, forget it" type mentality and it's tough for me but suprisingly, I end up much happier asking for and sometimes getting what I want than not asking and therefore having NO chance at getting it.

As for the discipline thing, something that helped tremendously was we sat down and actually wrote down the rules/consequences. That way both of us were on the same page. I know it sounds corny but by talking about it together there was no arguing over what is or isn't allowed/appropriate. Then we went over it with the kids (who of course are much older) together to make sure THEY knew mom and dad were a united front.

punkeemunkee'smom replied:

At least he is till a holy terror!

Bamamom replied:
I needed that

Calimama replied:
LOL

jcc64 replied: I am not familiar with the structure of a husband led family. Does it extend beyond just leading the devotions- as in- is he supposed to be the disciplinarian and you are supposed to be more subservient? Do you feel that he should be calling the shots more?
About your frustrations- those are universal, hon, it goes with the territory of being a couple. I certainly don't mean to trivialize your feelings- and I too know the frustration of being the only one who keeps things together and running smoothly with the kids and the house. However, try to keep your eye on the big picture. You have a dh who clearly enjoys spending time with his child, which is by no means a universal condition. Your extended family also obviously adores your child- and that is a true blessing. I understand what you mean about consistency and mixed messages- but kids his age are pretty good about understanding the differences between their loved ones. Daddy plays one way, Mommy plays another, Gram and Gramp play another. Life is inconsistent- it's ok to yell and scream outside, not so inside, kids get that pretty quickly. My mom spoils my kids terribly when she has them- they eat ice cream with EVERY meal, they eat all kinds of junk, she lets them stay up way too late, etc.. But they understand that when they come home- it's back to MY rules. And I don't hold it against my mom- spoiling is something of an entitlement with grandparents.
It's good to get things out on the table with your dh, but remember- as Abbie said, don't become such a slave to consistency that you forget to have fun with your family. It'll work out.

grapfruit replied: I think I agree w/Jeanne a lot on this one.

Just wanted to add. I know that having a spotless house is nice (I certainly would love that, and don't have kids yet so I can imagine it's all down hill from here ). But, sometimes it's ok to just let it go. I've had dishes piled in the sink and been like "Crap I need to do these" and Tim be like, "hey lets go do this..." instead of saying "no gotta do the dishes and mop the floor" or whatever. I say "ok" b/c the dishes (and the small spill) will wait. No lasting damage.

Don't forget to enjoy your family. B/c sad to say it, it won't be too much longer that he won't have a sippy cup, and you'll be having bigger spills!

luvmykids replied:
Sooooo true....people say it all the time but I'm JUST now realizing, after five years, what they really meant

Our Lil' Family replied: I know exactly how you feel about not being able to talk to your friends and family for fear of what their thoughts would be. I was there too and luckily I found a friend (here actually...Aimee-Maddie&EthansMom) who I go to now. She is MY friend, not OUR friend and she lives out of state, so she doesn't see us at church every week, kwim? So in times where I need to talk to someone, who will give me spiritual based advice, about our relationship, I go to her. For so long I kept it to myself because I don't believe in discussing our marriage with others, but we do need someone to turn to for a sounding board and advice. I hope you can maybe find a person like that.

About the spiritual leading from the husband....I know how you feel there too. There are many times when I've thought, I really wish we prayed together or did devotionals together and have felt like it should be initiated by him. In those instances I have just prayed about it. I continue to have my quiet time and devotional and hope that if he sees me doing it maybe he'll think we should do it too. But you know, men are different. I know my husband just doesn't feel comfortable praying together yet....just how it is. All I can do is continue to pray about the situation and know that one day God will make him ready.

I would love to talk to you more if you feel the need, PM me anytime!

A&A'smommy replied: I understand your frustrations... DH and I both grew up in church and grew up around family devotions and that stuff.. (more I than him but he KNOWS what he is suppose to do) but that stuff has yet to happen so I understand your frustrations on that part.. basicly what do what my mother always told me to do PRAY for him that God will lead him to do what he needs to do (it works LOTS of ladies at my church could tell you that!)

As far as all that other stuff you have to talk to him about it without accusing him of anything and then ask him to meet you halfway and help.


Good luck I hope things get better for you!!!

boyohboyohboy replied: I also agreed to a husband led family life when we got married, and for the most part it works great.
I know that my husband gets caught up in work and life and just wants to be the fun parent when he gets home, so sometimes things like disicpline get pushed aside if i dont really ask for it to be completed. and we are good about going to church on sundays and middle of the week group, but he isnt following thru on our daily devotions either, and until i started reading some of the posts i honestly dont know why it didnt occur to me, that its ok if i start them for him. i guess i have just been sitting around waiting for him too...

i think when its early on and you settle on how life is going to be, it always has to change, because circumstances change, but whats important is how your family is as a whole, and it sounds like he really does want to make you happy, and help you, he just hasnt gone about it they way you would like.

i think that talking is good, and you just have to keep telling yourself he cant MAKE YOU feel a certain way, not guilty or like you shouldnt have discussed it, if you feel it was necesssary to talk , then do so, and let yourself feel good about it for bringing it up and making sure what was needed to be said was said.

pm me anytime too, if you want to chat. it does help to talk to people who feel the same faith values as yourself.

Bamamom replied: You guys are so great - thank for for helping me through the past few days. Things have calmed down considerably. DH is disciplining more and I can already see a change with Tripp. I think I'm going to start doing my personal devotion at night and see if maybe he just joins me - if he doesn't do so in a week or two then I might invite him. I really want him to take the lead on this - but I guess its more important that it get done that who starts it.

I love you guys