This is ridiculous... I saw on our - internet history

Hillbilly Housewife wrote: an ICQ profile.

I clicked on it, it's some israeli female.

Not a problem on its own... but why was it there?

Those of you who don't know... my H has 2 strikes against him. One for cheating when we were drunk in a bar... he thought it was sexy trying to pick up this other chick, so that he might be able to get a 3-way going... I wasn't impressed and let him know it - we had only been dating a few weeks...maybe 5 weeks? Well he'd continued an online "relationship" with this girl... I found out when she messaged me his messages... some of which were pretty graphic.

Second strike - he sent nudie pics of himself to a girl he worked with before, I caght him when my 1st born was a few months old - he'd sent them when I was 5 months pg.

So - if he's back at his internet chatting crap.. he's OUT, until we can get counselling... not divorce - but definitely out of my face. I've been inwardly upset about this since I saw it - I asked him about it - he said she just messaged him, and he looked at her profile.

I am having a really hard time believing him. I really am. I can't seem to think about anything else... he knows I'm ticked about it.... yet he doesn't understand why. What an IDIOT.



I feel better......

Jamison'smama replied: Is that all the history? Did you look in message archive as well? Is his ICQ profile public? How would she have found him? It may be very innocent.

A&A'smommy replied: errr well I would explain to him that when he makes you almost loose trust that a simple thing such as even looking at a profile can stir up feeliings.. it sounds like he needs a computer grounding or maybe a password that way he can only get on when your around.... that is what I did!!

CAMSMOM1 replied: I hate to be the negative one, but I would be very suspecious of that! First of all, why would a complete stranger IM him or even contact him? And a female? And then for him to look up her profile? What good would that do for him unless he wanted to know more about this woman. I'm not saying he's in a relationship with her, but it may be the beginning of something.
As you have probably read my posts about my DH and his addiction to porn, this is something he's had a problem with for years now. And having the computer so easily accessable, it was hard for him to resist the temptation. I think the same thing is true for your DH, he has had a problem with "chatting" with women on the internet, and it is to easy for him to start it again.
With my husband, he was teh one who told me to get rid of the computer, and agreed that if I didn't, he would not be online without me. I have checked our computer and I know he hasn't been online since that day I caught him, so I know he has learned his lesson, I'm not sure if your DH has. ITA that you have to restrict him from the computer. If he has a problem with that, then maybe he has more of an addiction to it then you thought. He should be understanding of this, and realize that you are more important to him than a computer is.
I understand your frustration, and I think you have a good reason to be. Try to get him to talk, I wouldn't attack him because this will cause him to close up. If you want him to talk to you, try an easier approach and try to sound understanding that way he doesn't feel threatened. If he isn't beign honest with you and not corportative, then I would lay on him. One way or another, you guys need to have an honest talk. And if he has a problem, and admits to it, then try to find ways to help him with this and make it hard for him to continue doing it.
I'm not trying to be negative. I just know how men can be with this type of thing. And if he is honest about it and wanting help, then help him. I know that my DH is really on the right path now, and I had to be supportive and help him through this.
Let us know what happens with this. I hope it all works out. Stay strong and know you have support here. If you ever need to talk, PM me.
Ann

CantWait replied: With icq it's very easy to contact people who aren't your friends unless somewhere you have it specified that you don't want to be. As for looking at her profile, I'm a very curious person so I would have done the same, and it would have been with no hurtful intentions at all.

I understand he has a history of unfaithfulness, so I don't think you're overreacting at all. I look at all the archives and history, and his profile. Hope it's nothing more then what he says it is.

CAMSMOM1 replied: I apoligize, I should've asked before I posted what a ICQ is. I was thining it was an IM, so can someone inform me what this is. The part that got me was concerned with your DH having a woman contact you and him looking up info. on her, but since I don't know what a ICQ is, then I probably shouldn't have posted.

Ann

gr33n3y3z replied: I got rid of ICQ a long time ago
I would log on there and I would have messages from ppl. who were not on my list and mass messages also.
If you didnt see him talking back to her then i wouldnt worry at all and you can check the ICQ logs for that thats even if your running the logs for it.

Hillbilly Housewife replied: Like I said - it's not a problem that he looked at her profile... I would probably have done the same had a stranger contacted me... however - with his past history... you know? I can't help but be suspicious.

I guess I was in a "mood" later last night... cuz he asked me whether I was depressed, suspicious or angry... I said all 3!

He just couldn't get why I was suspicious - that I made him feel really awful about his past - I told him that not only did he do it once - but after promisign no more of that - he did it AGAIN - and that he couldn't even begin to comprehend how that made ME feel.

And Ann - (Camsmom1) - don't feel bad... I've restricted the computer use in the past. I took the power cable away. I took the webcam away, the mike... everything... but now they've been back.

I don't mind DH looking at internet porn.. we're all human - what I mind is him looking at porn, and us not being intimate for weeks at a time. Since May 21 (our wedding) we've only been together 11 times.

As for the history - he doesn't keep it, that I found out.

CAMSMOM1 replied: So an ICQ is an instant messenger? Right? Why is ICQ any different then something like AOL instant messenger? Why would random people want to send a message to someone they don't know? Seems kinda weird, but I guess it happens.

Ann

Jamison'smama replied: Well, I have a friend with a DH with a history of chatting problems--he may NOT delete history--that is further proof that there is something she should not see. My DH deleted history one time and I needed to restore it and found it in the message archive.

3_call_me_mama replied: I get all kinds of unwanted random messages from people I don't know On AIM. If i leave my messager up overnight, i am always getting peopel trying to talk to me. I thihnk it depends what your profiel says on wether or not they message you. i think mine still says singel, adn 22 years old. But the only person i ever ues it to talk to is DH adn a coupel old friends and other than that I never message on it so i don't update stuff.

and Rocky, You are right to be hurt, suspicious or whatever else yo feel . A past experience certainly can leave a bad taste in our minds, you don 't need to be gettin gyourself hurt agina adn going through all the emotional crap with it. Just find out teh real deal form him adn then eitehr 1) be pleased that it was a random IM that he cared nothing about. or 2) boot him out until he resolves his issues!

Hillbilly Housewife replied:
it's an inastant messenger - but it also allows strangers to randomly chat.... like when you're bored or whatever... I used to do it too. You can search people with similar interests, like cars, or parenting etc...... I actually met one of my really good friends that way. It's a wierd program... and unfortunately seems to be the tool of choice for pervs.

as for restoring history... I don't know how. I mean I know to click on the show message arechives, and to click on the "keep message history"... which is how i knew that he wasn't keeping his history... but I don't know how to restore the system? you do mean the computer, right?

He changed his ICQ password anyways - I don't know it now. Trustworthy, don't you think?

CAMSMOM1 replied: ....there must be a way to retrieve that info.

If he wants you to trust him, he needs to give you a reason to.

Ann

jacobsmama replied: I think with that kind of history I would be suspicous too...You have the right but if you trust him again and he says NO then you should believe him but if you don't have 100% trust I wouldn't believe it either. JMO

C&K*s Mommie replied: I had probs trusting Chris, because certain circumstances had taken my trust away. But I have since learned, that if I have little to no trust for Chris then every little thing that he may do will ignite anger in me, & suspicions, & I will sit on that anger (from the mistrust) for a while until it bursts forth. Things will be said, and feelings will be hurt (on both sides) because of all the msitrust. The short of the long is, don't jump to conclusions on what happened. It may not be so innocent, but it may be.

If you so desire, they have keylogger programs that you can download or buy that can weed out the truth, when your DH does not give it all to you. Check with Google for the best ones, or your local computer store for advice. The truth will be told, like it or not, with a keylogger. Best wishes!

mckayleesmom replied: I would tell him that until you have access to his passwords and his message archives, that he is not allowed on the computer. End of story in my book.

camneely8 replied: Not that Im defending him in any way shape or form but a few points.

1. If you are checking history of his chats, it sounds like theres some lack of trust there for whatever reason. I would think that needs to be dealt with. Course reading this thread sounds like lotsa ladies are reading histories

2. Password protecting a tool like that isnt that weird. I do it all the time with my tools and its more out of habit than anything nefarious. Im not saying ppl dont do it with bad intentions but not always.

3. Communication communication communication. If something is bothering you you 2 need to talk about it. I tell my wife all the time its impt we constantly do that. Otherwise its too many wrong assumptions that escalate into full blown overreactions.

Just my 2 cents.

redchief replied: Rocky, please forgive me for being so blunt, but what are you waiting for? You don't need ICQ logs or AIM logs or internet keyloggers to see a glaring problem in your relationship. Quite simply, it is plain to me after reading many of your recent posts, that you do not trust your husband.

You've said if he IS in an internet relationship you would insist on counselling. I'm wondering why you're waiting for that to come to pass. You two need to start rebuilding a relationship based on trust. You don't need proof that you can't trust him; that is already apparent. IMHO, you need to open the lines of communication and stop staring over his shoulder. Since distrust is rarely a one way street, I feel strongly that you both need to have a heart to heart and place everything on the table clearly, sticking to the subjects of your discord. If, after doing that, either of you feel the need to seek professional help, you should do so.

No relationship is perfect and no person is either. There may be catalysts on both sides for the walls that have been going up between you. Isn't it time to start tearing them down?

Maddie&EthansMom replied:


You deserve to be in a happy relationship and I think the 2 of you will be okay with lots of communication and/or professional counseling.

Hillbilly Housewife replied:
You are right Ed, I do not trust him. It's taken me 3 years to trust him even a little when it comes to this type of thing... in all honesty, and maybe i'm the fool for it - I do not believe he did what he;s done in the past out of spite or trying to be hurtfull etc... i believe that it is more out of curiosity than anything else.

Other than the very casual few girlfriends he'd had in the past, none serious relationships, i'm all he's known. We've been through a lot together. He was my friend, my support through bad times before we started dating... we've known each other for almost 13 years, being hurtful is definitely not in his nature.

We've been "rebuilding" our relationship of trust for the last few years. Although he'd said in the past that I can have access to whatever he's written on line etc... I've never felt the need to go and check...other than a few times a few years ago. I don't like invading privacy... and I don't, unless I have a reason to, which is one of the reasons why I guess I never realized he wasn't logging his history anymore. I was never one to really stare over his shoulder, I always gave him the benefit of the doubt, even at 2am if he's online chatting to friends, to try to be able to trust him.

There have been issues that have been building walls... and we've been slowly taking them apart. He's been seeing a therapist on his own for a few weeks now, not something I was planning to share so soon... but it seems to be helping. At least, helping in the bedroom... We have been communicating a lot more since he's started to go to the sessions. I don't ask what they talk about unless he brings it up... they're his private sessions, and it's not my turn yet to join in. That will be soon.

We generally have a very good and happy life together, other than the typical married couple nit-picking... there are just certain things that arise now and then. It's not a perfect marriage by any means... I have my issues as well, everybody has issues of some kind. We took vows, and we mean to honor them... at least I do, and I want to be 100% certain that he does too. I'm of the mind that if you're going to cheat on your spouse... the least you can do is make them aware of it... because if there is cheating to be done, there is obviously something lacking somewhere, and only talking about it before the cheating becomes a reality is it going to help.

I may be young and stupid... but I do have hope, because I love my DH, even as much of a butt that he can be sometimes.

We will be ok. We just need to get past it.

MyBrownEyedBoy replied: First and foremost, Rocky, congratulations on the improvements and the willingness to work on your marriage. ITA with Ed, and it sounds like you are taking the baby steps necessary to make things work. Here is the only place I disagree.

Aaron cheated, it started less than 2 months after our wedding and continued for over a year because I trusted him and never thought anything of him spending Monday nights with "the boys" during football season. And believe me, there was absolutely nothing lacking in our relationship then.

CosmetologyMommy replied: I just want to applaud u for working it out instead of just running away from your dh. I hope everything is working out!

AnnasMom replied: James used to chat to other women and I was concerned. I asked him who it was and he said it was his co-worker. He was telling the truth...on their profile, they had the same job as James. Now, the nude pics: you should search the computer document files for nude pics. I agree w/ the PPs: get a password only you know for your Internet service. GOOD LUCK!

Hillbilly Housewife replied:
I'm so sorry Kelly, it wasn't meant "that" way.

MyBrownEyedBoy replied: No offense taken, Rocky. I just wanted to make sure that it was understood that not all cheaters have a reason. Some are just selfish.

Hillbilly Housewife replied: Very true.

remtana replied: My parents nearly got divorced becuase of IM and chat rooms. It got really bad and sneaky (my dad was doing it). He had like a Mid-Life crisis. All is good now, but they separated for a little while.

Angela

luvmykids replied: I'm one the fence on this one. My husband looking at porn bothered me because it seemed to be replacing other things in our relationship. I let it go because I figured he's a guy, it's normal, etc. But it bothered me and I started snooping around. Glad I did, because he'd registered HIS profile on a few sites, meaning he WANTED to be contacted. Although your situation sounds different, it's the same principle, a violation of trust. When we're feeling unsure or insecure we may be oversensitive, but I say go with your gut. If you think this is fishy, it probably is.