This is Bonnie's husband, James.

sunshine girls wrote: It’s taken me a awhile to work out this message board. I know that Bonnie comes here to talk more than she does to me, and I really can’t think of anywhere else to go. I’ve completely run out of options.

Bonnie tried to kill herself on Monday night, I don’t think it appropriate to go into detail but I thank God her mother was at our house, if she wasn’t I never would’ve woken up and found her. Bonnie is still in hospital on suicide watch, and myself, nurse’s, doctors, psychiatrist’s and her mother have all tried to find out exactly why and what she’s thinking. We’ve tried for days to no avail, and I decided to come here.

Bonnie asked me when we were going to bed Monday night to come to this website and look at some of her posts, which I haven’t yet because I have little idea how to navigate my way round this website. I’ve run out of idea’s, I don’t know how to help my wife because she won’t talk to me about anything, about Navi or about anything she’s been feeling in the past weeks. She barely speaks to me when I visit her in the hospital, she told me not to come in today because she doesn’t want me there. I’ve lost a child; I don’t want to lose my wife.

Does anyone know how I can help her? Did she talk about harming herself? I know why she did it, I just don’t know how to help her and I desperately need help from the people she’s been talking to. If anyone knows anything please, please, I’m begging you to tell me.
Thank you,
James.

amynicole21 replied: I am so, so incredibly saddened to hear this. I wish I had answers for you. The only thing I can say is that you need to get professional counseling for her, and most likely for you as well. I can't imagine what it must be like to lose a child - not even close. You need someone to help guide you through this grieving process. Please hang in there. My thoughts are with you and with Bonnie.

mckayleesmom replied: OMG....Hugs and prayers to you and your family. She did express that she was having trouble talking to you about Navi and that it seemed that nobody was really talking. She seemed to be doing ok the last time she was on here....hurting, but ok. She was planning to buy some fish for your little girls because she was having a good day. I know you are hurting just as much as her....I would just respect her wishes right now and give her a little space. Don't take the fact that she doesn't want you at the hospital personally...although it might seem that way. She just needs to sort things through and she needs to feel like she is not being judged by the way she is grieving.

I do remember her posting something about overhearing you talking to a friend or your sister about not knowing what to do about her......I think that upset her.

There is a section for parents who lost a child here...she posted in there a little, you might want to look.

Maddie&EthansMom replied: James I am so sorry to hear that. I can't imagine the pain you are all going through right now. I agree that counseling needs to be set up, but other than that, I don't know what to tell you to do to make things better for her. You are all in my prayers. Thank you for coming here and letting us know.

I can give you links to her posts if you would like.

Mom2Boyz replied: OMG this is awful!!!!I wish I knew what to tell you to do to help her Prayes for Bonnie and your family

moped replied: I am so very sorry to hear this, I am sure she and you all are going thru some very terrible things in your minds and it is all sooo hard to deal with.

I have never heard her say anything about hurtin gherself and I am so sorry this has happened.............we are always here to listen

5littleladies replied: I am so so sorry. I can't even begin to imagine how you are feeling right now, and I don't know what to say in terms of how to help her. If you want to look at her past posts, just click on her screename in the upper-left corner of your post and then click on "find all posts by this member". HTH You will be in my thoughts and prayers.

kimberley replied: omg i am so sorry. Bonnie mentioned in her posts that she wasn't able to talk to anyone in real life about losing Navi but found it a little easier here. i felt the sadness and grief in her posts, but nothing that she would harm herself. this is so tragic.

is there a possibility she is suffering from PPD (Post Partum Depression) on top of the grief you are already going through? is she on any meds? i agree, she is exactly where she needs to be right now. i can't imagine what you are going through but i will pray for you and your family. Stay strong for your girls and wife and please do seek support for yourself. Depression affects loved ones deeply too.

edit: click here for the post she made about Navi.

TANNER'S MOM replied: I just want to say that I am sorry for your loss. I think you are an amazing person to support your wife. I have never heard he saying anything about harming herself at all. I am so sorry she feels so desperate. I don't know what to say to you..except I will pray for you and your whole family. My God's peace touch your hearts..


Mel

~Roo'sMama~ replied: I'm so sorry to hear this! I don't know what to say - I can't even imagine the pain you and your wife are both going through right now. I'm so, soo sorry. I agree that counseling might help for both of you ~ it might help make it easier for your wife to talk to you about what she's feeling. Please let Bonnie know we are thinking of her and praying for her! I'll be keeping your whole family in my prayers.

mckayleesmom replied: James...another thought,,,Maybe you can write Bonnie a letter...Tell her everything your feeling and let her know that shes not alone in her pain. Also, make sure she knows how much Navi wouldn't want her to do something like this to herself. Navi would want her mom to be there for her sisters and watch them grow into woman.

sunshine girls replied: Thank you all.

She's refusing to speak to any of the doctors about her emotions or why she hurt herself. I'm just at a loss for what I can do. I don't know whether to go see her or not. I have an appointment with a counsellor and I've made one for Gwen because she woke up and saw things no child should. But Bonnie won't talk to anyone, and no one can force her. I've heard of Post Partum Depression but don't really know what it is??? Is it common?

Thank you for the link.

A&A'smommy replied: OMG James I am SO sorry!!! I was incredibly sorry to hear about your loss of Navi she has had a tough time but I NEVER saw her say anything about hurting herself. I will keep her in my prayers!!

kimberley replied:
you're welcome. PPD is very common and very serious if left untreated. the upside is that it is treatable with therapy and meds. click here for more info on it. any info you need, please don't hesitate to ask. we are here to listen.

sunshine girls replied: Thank you for suggesting a letter. I’m a little hesitant to try to talk to Bonnie about anything other than the weather, she’s extremely angry and when she’s angry it’s like all hell has broken out on earth. It seems like a good way to go about it; I may visit her tonight and talk about other things, then give her the letter when I leave.

Thank you for the info Kimberly, I'm going to ask the doctor if he thinks its a possibility.

I might come back later and tell you how Bonnie's going. Goodbye.

amymom replied: James, I am so sorry. Please know Bonnie, the girls and you are in my prayers. Let Bonnie know we are all praying for her. Maybe give her the letter than go for a walk and return so she can comment if she wants to.

My prayers are with you.

Sarah&Mackenzie replied: I am so sorry to hear this. I agree with everyone else about the counseling. Maybe she just needs a little space to think about everyting. I will keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers!!! Good luck with everything!!

mammag replied: I'm very sorry for what you all are going through right now. My thoughts and prayers for your whole family. I hope she gets the help she needs. That is so sad.

mysweetpeasWil&Wes replied: James, all I can say is that I'm so very sorry for what has happened to you and your family and that I hope Bonnie finds the help that she needs. I personally don't remember her posting anything in terms of hurting herself here. Just that you and her haven't really spoken about Navi's death yet. Be patient with her, as you probably already are. It will take a lot of time and love. My thoughts are with you both.

gr33n3y3z replied:
I'm so sorry James to hear this
I just dont know what to say only to repeat what Kimberley has said

Check her Private Messages and out going PM also

Hugs to you and your family

Let Bonnie know I'm thinking of her

You are all in our prayers

kimberley replied: i am so sorry James. i just read through all the posts Bonnie has made recently and all the signs were there. anger, indifference, guilt, pain, frustration... i wish i had only looked sooner

here are all her posts. hopefully it can give you and the docs some insight into what she was/is feeling. she also mentioned starting a journal.. maybe you could look around for that. my continued prayers for you and your family!

Insanemomof3 replied: I am so sorry to hear this. I didn't see anything about her wanting to hurt herself. I hope that she gets the help that she needs. Just don't give up on her. You are wonderful for supporting her in this.

moxee24 replied: James~ You and Bonnie and your girls are in my prayers. It makes my heart hurt to think what you are going through right now. I went through something very close to that when I lost my first DS and remember feeling that there was no hope of anything ever being better again. But with the support of my husband and family I was able to finally get past my grief. You never get over the hurt of losing a child but it does get easier. Be patient and don't give up. I think that a letter is a good way to communicate with Bonnie right now. She may not want to listen to you when you talk but writing down what you are feeling she can read it in her own time and will be able to talk to you when she is ready. I also agree that giving her a little space is a good thing, everyone grieves in their own way and time so don't push her to hard or fast for answers. Please don't hesitate to email or PM me if you would like to talk, I am always around. Again you are in my prayers.

Nikki101 replied: I am so sorry to hear about what you and your family is going through and has gone through.

If you are afraid to talk to Bonnie because of her anger and the ways she is feeling it makes it very hard. Although if I can suggest anything I would think that now would be the time to talk about it and let her know that she isn't going through this alone there is you and your other children also. That no matter what the situtation is you are there to talk to her and give her the support she needs and right now with her being in the hospital might be the best time to bring this up so that way you know that she is being looked after and they will be able to make sure things don't get worse.

This is just a suggestion maybe I am totally off on this but I think I would try to bring it up now while it is fresh to be dealt with instead of later on when you could reopen a wound.

You and your family are in our prayers.

TANNER'S MOM replied: James,

Can we do a thread of prayers and wishes for Bonnie.. Just to let her know we are thinking of her. Something aside from what you have told us. Since she did mention us, I would like to have a thread that maybe you could print and take to her.. so she knows we are thinking of her and praying for her?

Mel

Mommy2BAK replied: I am so incrediably sadden by this news. Your family is in my prayers.

jcc64 replied: What a terrible time for your family- I am so very sorry you are all suffering so much. I exchanged a few private messages (pm's) with your wife concerning her grief, which I'm assuming you'll be able to access through her account. She basically thanked me for my input, and shared that she felt a great sense of comfort here. I think that the anonymity of the internet made it easier for her to explore such painful feelings, although I get the feeling she was still very much in shock when she first posted about Navi's death. I have no expeience dealing with the death of a child, but I think it is very very common for spouses to feel alienated from one another during a trauma like this. You are both overwhelmed by grief, and cannot offer the support to each other when it's needed the most. When my dad died, I remember feeling let down by my husband b/c I was looking for something, anything, from him to make the hurt go away, and he couldn't possibly have filled up the hole in my heart at that time. But I guess it was a relief, somehow, to at least feel angry at someone, b/c it distracted me from my true feelings of sadness and pain. I don't know if this relates in any way to what Bonnie is going through. Her inability to communicate with you or the drs is truly troubling, but it's also understandable. No one can really make the pain go away. The healing will just take time, lots of it, which is basically what I said to her. I think the best you can do for now is to let her know you'll be there for her every step of the way, and that you know it's a long road ahead.
In the meantime, work with the drs, counselors, relatives, as best you can, and by all means, give your daughters all the love and support you can muster at a time like this. They need you now more than ever.
My heart aches for you. I'm sorry.

dolfinrse replied: I think everyone has given you great advice, I just wanted to let you know that you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.

coasterqueen replied: I don't know what to say. My thoughts and prayers are with her and your family.

elvisfan replied: I'm so sorry. I've been there. I was so close to suicide once and the only thing that stopped me was a lady from our church came to my door. I would give her space. It took me a very long time to talk to my dh about anything that I was feeling. I didn't really want to talk to anyone. I completely closed up emotionally especially. It was a very difficult time for both my husband and I. He never wanted to talk about the baby we lost and I in turn felt like I had no one I could talk to about it. I felt completely alone in my grief. She definitely needs some counseling. I will pray for you and your family.

mom21kid2dogs replied: I'm so sorry to read this. Sounds like you are on the right track. I assume they will keep her safe until she feels she can start to share her pain and start to work through it. You continue to be in my thoughts and prayers.

punkeemunkee'smom replied: I am even more deeply saddened for your family at reading this post! Please know that your family has been in my thoughtsand on my heart for the last few days since I read Bonnie's post about Navi's death. As everyone has said she did not speak of harming herself here but you could tell that she was heartbroken,as I am sure the whole family is! I do not think she blamed anyone for not speaking about the baby she just sounded very lost in grief. As a mom I can't even begin to comprehend the pain she is in and as a wife I know she is concerned about you too. Keep supporting her-push through this wall she is enclosing herself in! Don't let her keep you out...sometimes we feel we have to do it on our own (we are the mommies,the wives,the voice of calm) You will be in my family's prayers! Everyone here is so sorry for your loss and now for this turn of events! I hope that you can all find peace very soon! Abbie

luvbug00 replied: I'm so sad to hear this!!! I know this must be soo hard for you! I send my many prayers to Bonnie and your family

Mel good idea maybe that will help her a little..

ions_momma replied: James, I am soo sorry to hear that this happened! I know this must be very hard for you! I dont really know what to say though honestly. I could not imagine losing a baby. I had a miscarrage when I was pregnant and I know that was hard enough for me. I think the best thing that you could do is to just be there for her through all of this. I will definately keep your family in my thoughts and prayers through this difficult time!

3xsthefun replied: I'm so sorry for what all you are going through. I really don't know what to say. You all will be in my thoughts.

kit_kats_mom replied: I am terrible at these things and though I mean well, I almost always stick my foot in my mouth...hence my lateness in replying to this thread.

I am terribly sorry for the pain that your entire family is burdened with right now. I think that Bonnie desperately needed to escape the what ifs that were running through her mind and tried the only way that she knows how. Bad decision and one that will most likely haunt your family forever.
However, there are ways to cope and I applaud your efforts and tenacity to be with her through this awful circumstance.

mummy2girls replied: I am so very sorryu to hear this! I too lost a child and i did consider suiside when i was in my deepest of depression. There are so much emotions going on right now. It is so hard to lose a child.. that is something i would never even wish upon my worst enemy! its normal to feel different and alianated from your spouse because you 2 have different ways to deal with the loss of a child. If she wont allow you to go see her then write her a letter and leave it with a nurse and have her give it to your wife. She is in the best place right now! I dont know what else to say! (((HUGS)))

jem0622 replied: I am so sorry to hear that she is really in a bad place right now. PPD is a very serious thing. Even worse is that she could have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) in addition to the PPD.

Our children are not suppose to go to the Lord before us. It is not the natural progression of life. And when it does happen, we somehow feel that we were responsible in some way. What could we have done better?

There are many normal stages of grief, and anyone can experience each of those stages repeatedly. It is a horrible thing to be stuck in replay mode, which is something she may be experiencing too.

As mothers especially, we want to nuture our babies and help them to thrive. When we don't have a place to put those nuturing feelings (older children are not the same) then it leaves such a hole in us. I experienced this when I gave my daughter up for adoption at birth. My hormones were fluctuating, my body was still adjusting from the pregnancy in other ways too. I had no place to put these feelings. I wondered so many things and felt like I had no control.

I do hope that she gets the help that she needs. I do think that you both need counseling and support. She needs compassion from you. She needs to see that you are grieving. Now is not the time to hide emotions. It is time to be real and talk about everything. Withdrawing helps no one.

She does need to realize that she has a lot to live for and that her girls do need her.

CCTandME replied: I really don't know what to say. This is the 1st time I have really cried alot from reading a message board. My heart goes out to your family.

Emeraldsmom replied: I am so sorry to hear this. I wish I knew what to say. Your family will be in my prayers. Especially Bonnie.

3'smom replied: I am so sorry for your family and you. I hope she gets the help she needs and you all as a family begin to heal eventually. Sending prayers to you all.

SOUTHERN MOMMY replied: Oh my I am so sorry for your loss It has taken me 30 min. to stop crying long enough to write this. I really have no medical terms or anything else i can say that will help you at this trying time in your life all i have to offer is my prayers and i truley will pray long and hard for you and your family all i can say other than that is PLEASE take care of the two beautiful girls you have here because at this point they not only have lost thier baby sister but, mom as well for the time being. so please do all that you can for ther and as i said you all are in my prayers.

CantWait replied: James I'm so sorry to hear this news. I've gone through PPD, but this is definetly something much worse. Your wife is dealing with a whirlwind of emotions right as you are I'm sure. The loss of a baby is something so tragic that I imagine it's something that's unbearable. Your wife needs time to heal, and possibly just to let it sink in. Try to be patient, and just be there for her, even if to say nothing at all. I know when I don't want to talk about things, I just like my husband there so that I know he's still with me. I'm so sorry for your loss. My prayers go out to you and your family.

MM'sMama replied: Oh I am so sorry I wish I knew what to tell you but honestly I don't but my thoughts and prayers are with you all

3_call_me_mama replied: My thoughts and prayers go out to you an your family. I cannot possibly imagine the grief you are going through. I can only hope for a safe recovery for your wife and several prayers for your family.