Telling my MIL tonight that she can't see my kids - anymore - at least not for a long time..

Hillbilly Housewife wrote: it's just stupid. Every second sentence out of BOTH my kids' mouths today is about how they don't have to do that at Grandma's house... or that they're allowed to go in the fridge at grandma's house... and that grandma says it's ok to jump on the couch at her house, and the best one is how grtandma says they don't have to do something if they don't want to.

I'm through with my MIL. I kep telling her again and again my "rules" regarding the kids... i.e.: no throwiung toys, no desserts after EVERY meal (lunch AND dinner), no going in cupboards and fridge, must mind their p's and q's, must ask to be excused from the table, they have to eat the food that's served or eat nothing... just general stuff like that... and everytime - she tells me that the kids will learn what the rules are different at her house than at mine.

I'm going to be telling her that the rules for my children are rules that they are expected to keep in mind no matter where they are, regardless of who is in charge of them at the time. Throwing toys and jumping on the couch is unnacceptable bewhaviour, no matter where they are. They can't be allowed to do it there, and not allowed to do it here, then they WANT to do it, say they're allowed at her house, then i have to put them in the corner for a time out for jumping on the couch, because they got confused.

I know she will tell me I'm overreacting... and i probably am - but I am soooo done re-correcting my kids behaviours just because every time they see her she does things differently.

She does not share my values, morals, cleaning habits, attitude on life. And by that I mean that she is very old-school - serving her husband's meal first, before serving the guests (RUDE!!!), makes innapropriate comments like: You look REALLY fat in THAT shirt! (RUDE!!!), uses the same dishcloth to wipe the table, the kids faces after a meal, her counters and stove, AND THE FLOOR!!! I'm sorry - I just can't take that. I wasn't raised that way... rags are for the floor, face cloths are for faces, and dishcloths are for dishes. *shiver* She had a spot on the bottom of the toilet bowl with crap on it - no doubt from one of the kids accident, smeared on... well that spot was ther for SIX MONTHS.

I can't take her anymore... it's probably that my wedding anniversary (which her and FIL ruined so many things about) is in 2 weeks, ad I can't stop thuinking about what things would have been like had she been DEAD. Nice, huh?

I'd have the top tier of my cake (she brought it, wrapped, to our brunch the next day and cut it all up and served it. I found out after it was all cut and served that it was the top of my wedding cake... I didn't even get a piece. I'd have nice pictures - my SIL's mom took the pictures - since MIL assured me 100% that she was qualified, had photographed tons of weddings.. yadda yadda... I didn't get ANYT of the shots that were on my "shot list". I'd have pictrures of us cutting the first piece of cake -we didn;t get to because she went and ordered the staff at the hall to go ahead and cut it... and it goes on and ON crap like that... so maybe I'm harsher on her because of all that - but I just can't take it anymore. I don't answer my phone, I loick the door and hide when I see her car pull up - I decline invitatoions to go to her house, I don't invite her here, I don't call her, no email, no contact period uness I really have to... but even that's not enough - my kids constantly yak about her and what she says, does, or doesn't do!!! I'm so sick of it!!!! NO MORE!!!!

lisar replied: My Grandmother my kids great grand mother is the same way I get it all the time about "Granny let me" well my Granny knows how I feel and she has calmed down a bit about it. The only thing she wont listen to me on is not to spend so much money on them. Everytime they go somewhere my kids come back with a new toy. Not always an expensive one sometimes just the dollar store ones but she always has to buy the something.

I hope it all works out for you.

C&K*s Mommie replied: don't know what to say, Rocky. Wish things were different.

BAC'sMom replied: Sorry Rocky. I hope everything turns out.

Momof3inMe replied: Here are some . I know how you feel but with me its not my MIL its my MOM! I have never told her she cant see the kids but boy would I love to! My mom is not always a nice person.

Its up to the parents make the rules and the kids should know what ever you say goes. Good luck with everything.

ashtonsmama replied: to Nic's comment. I'm so sorry she's so difficult Rocky.

I'll be thinking about you, hope it all works out ok...I know family can be the toughest to deal with...we all have people we don't get along with in our families.

redchief replied: Lots of negative emotions going on there Rocky. I'm sorry you and your MIL don't get along. I've never personally had that problem, so I don't even have any sage advice. I hope that somehow you two can find some common ground. It isn't unreasonable for grands to require the same appropriate behavior from your children as you. As far as some of her other quirks, well I see them as that, and while rude, not reason to keep her from your kids (with the exception of the same rag for all cleaning chores... ick).

Good luck with your family diplomacy.

luvmykids replied: JMHO, I don't mind "rules" being pretty lax at grandparents house under one condition, everyone (kids and grandparents) understand the issues I am non-negotiable on, and that the kids understand that what happens at gparents house does not change the rules at home.

Sorry you're having to deal with this, hopefully you can come to some terms with each other.

My2Beauties replied:

ilovemybaby replied: Well personally the rag thing would be enough for me. That's unhygienic. I would freak and yell at my MIL if she used a rag she cleaned with to wipe my kids faces.

I totally understand what you are going through. BTDT And my MIL does not see Abby anymore ... or us!

Cece00 replied: My "MIL" isnt allowed to see my kids either.

Our story is a little different, but I know where you are coming from with them not respecting boundaries & thinking they can just do whatever the F they want. UGH

My DH's mom treats him like crap, she has 3 sons & treats him the worst b/c he looks & acts like & has morals like his dad (who is a GREAT guy, btw) and she hates his dad b/c they are divorced. She also kicked DH out @ age 14, sent him to his dad's & said "I dont love you anymore. You arent my son."

She treats my kids 2nd class- DH has another kid he doesnt have much contact with & she treats the kid better than ALL of my kids, but is especially bad about MY 2 older kids (DH loves my kids like he loves our daughter, so that is annoying for BOTH of us). She NEVER asks to see our 3 kids but constantly keeps his other kid overnight (refuses to help us even when we NEED it even after OFFERING, like when I was pregnant with my daughter & had emergency kidney issues & had to go into the hospital...its not that she COULD NOT, she WOULD NOT, and made that clear...meanwhile, everyone else bends over backwards & then she sees that & makes excuses about it, acting like she didnt totally just screw us).

She did eventually ask to see my 3 kids for Easter but we had plans & so she threw a FIT. She hadnt asked to see my kids in FOUR MONTHS, but seriously threw a little kid hissy fit b/c we wouldnt come over on Easter. Like whatever, you didnt have time for us in FOUR months but we should run over to your house when we already have plans?? I think not.

She treats his other kid's mother better than my own DH and he is her SON, and he was never even dating the mother of his other kid. Nice. Like when his ex wrote bad checks out of his acct & he was BROKE, she refused to loan him $$$ until he got a bonus so he could keep his lights on, pay his rent, etc. *I* gave him the $$ and his dad helped him out. Meanwhile, we found out she gave his kid's mom $$$ for HER. Not for the KID, but for her to GO OUT & PARTY and some gas $$$$$. Very kind.

She is also mentally unstable. She divorced her 2nd husband recently & decided to have...like a midlife crisis or something....she starting "dating" (aka sleeping around) with all of these guys, she started smoking pot with DH's BROTHER (he's 20! & he's your son, not one of your buddies) and she decided to hook up the same son with her 35 yr old friend who just left her husband. So now BIL is living with a 35 yr old woman & her two TEENAGED KIDS. He's TWENTY!!!!!! This (the slutty behavior, illegal drugs, treating her son as a "friend" and not a son, her erratic moods) alone is 99% of the reason we dont go around her & refuse to let her see the kids.

She sends these weirdo cards over, telling me how she thinks my son has Pervasive Developemental Disorder (um, yeah, he totally doesnt, if you knew my son you'd be like "HOW did she even think that????) and pictures & just crazy s*** trying to get a reaction out of me & DH. It'll be like "I miss you guys soooooo much" and then she NEVER calls to see us & spends time with ummmm everyone else on the planet.

Then she started sending emails & sent me this REALLY rude email. She also sent one to my MOM, like tattle telling on me. My mom was like "You have issues, keep me out of it, you are the reason they dont want anything to do with you. Dont write me back" and she wrote my mom back, totally not getting the point.

OMG she is CRAZY.

She called DH today to ask him to settle this between him & her & he was like "No. Crystal and I are a team. There is no me and Crystal and you, there is US and there is YOU. " and basically told her how she doesnt respect boundaries, that she doesnt listen when we tell her what she is doing wrong, etc, that she doesnt care how we feel about certain situations. She was asking him "So when do I get to see my grandchildren?" and DH said "That isnt a good idea. We dont feel like letting you around our 3 kids is safe." She was like "Well, what can I do to fix this?" (which she has asked a MILLION times and NEVER fixes the problems!!! ) and DH was like "Nothing. You've already messed things up beyond repair. I think its better if we just dont see each other or talk for awhile. Maybe never again." and she was like "I dont even know what to say to that...." (like all mad) and DH said "Dont say anything. That's it. Take care of yourself." and hung up.

The end.

We really are happy about it. I mean DH is upset that his mom is a total wacko, but not having to deal with her is really going to save him a LOT of stress, and of course it will save ME the stress of #1- dealing with her, #2 Her behavior/actions having an influence on my children and #3- having to see DH so upset over her. DH has a WONDERFUL stepmom, who I consider my REAL MIL, who loves him like he was her own son, and my mom loves him like he is her son, too. I am an only child & my parents LOVE him plus he has his stepmom so he is NOT lacking for maternal love.

Not to mention it will make the holidays soooooo much easier.

& you mentioned her messing up your wedding- mine tried to start a FIGHT with my FIL @ my wedding!!!! Can you believe that??? It was MY DAY and DH's day! Who the heck does she think she is?? Seriously!

Sorry to totally hijack your post with this novel, I just wanted to share....I know how it is to LOATHE your MIL & be glad to not have to deal with her.

A&A'smommy replied: OH GOODNESSS!!!!! I certaintly don't blame you.. I wouldn't be able to take it either!!! Let us know how its goes

C&K*s Mommie replied: how'd it go last night?

b&bsmom replied:


I don't mind different rules and when my kids say they let me do it and say they are not here and we go by my rules. Good luck and hope you guys can work something out. I know I have had issues with my MIL as well but a little different.

Hillbilly Housewife replied: Actually I told DH to do it. Well, we had a "conversation" (read - lecture.. lol) where I told him how I felt, why I feel that way, and how I will "not" feel that way. Basically I told him that I don't want her anywhere near me, or my kids, and clearly explained why. He understood, and while he disagreed on certain things, overall he agreed with me - that staying away from her for a while will be good for all of us.

He disagreed on the hygiene habits... he said that he was raised that way, and he was never sick from germs. *I* don't care if he never got sick - I do NOT want to eat off a greasy dish, washed with a rag that cleaned up a mess on the floor - nor do I want to find bits of food cooked last week in the prongs of my fork.

He also disagreed that the rules should be the same there and here... he saud that going to theh grandparents house SHOULD be a treat, where the rules can bend a little... and while I agree that rules can be lax, like someone else mentionned, the basics stay the same... like table manners. Our kids are taught table manners. They don't chew with their mouth open, speak with food in their mouths, they say please and thank you, they don't pick off someone else's plate, they don't put their fork in the serving dishes, they don't reach across someone - they ask for what they need, and say please and thank you - all of the above, the out-laws don't do. It's SOOO gross to see MIL speak with food in her mouth, spit something out on, say, a piece of bread, and just casually wipe it with her finger as if it didn't even happen. While bad manners aren't a reason to keep them away from her - her blatant disrespect for OUR rule of ALWAYS having table manners is sky high.

I'm sorry - but no matter where my kids are - they cannot jump on the beds or the couches... nor can they throw toys! It gets me to no end when I say no - and MIL will be all like... oh let him be, I don't mind. NO!!!



It's not like I mind if they skip a bath, or skip brushing their teeth, or eat an extra piece of cake after dinner... but I mind if dinner IS the cake, kwim? They're around them pretty darn often, compared to the norm... at least once a week for a few hours, so it's quickly becoming a habit instead of a treat.

I've never had cupboard cabinet lock-outs for kids... my kids never really went in them, I never needed them really... there was a few weeks that I needed to really watch EMilie, but she got over it once the novelty of being able to open the "mystery doors" wore off. They're allowed to go in the cupboards there... which is fine - it's her house - but it's when they think they can do it here too.

You'd think, at least, if the outlaws come to OUR house to watch the kids - that they'd follow our rules in our house... but no.

It just really really aggravates me to no end.

So DH is in charge of telling her. I'm not answering to her calls / visits etc... I won't even go to our normal park, which is pretty much just across from my house, just so that if she drives by she won't see us. Cuz she tends to pop in if I don't answer my phone... so I won't give her that chance. In a few days, she will no doubt wonder what's going on... and she will get hold of DH, one way or the other. He will just give her some excuse, no doubt - but eventually he will drop the other shoe and tell her that she can't see the kids, and why.

I'm happy that he's on the same page as me, even if eh doesn't agree 100%, at least I feel somewhat validated in my annoyance...

C&K*s Mommie replied: Question: Is it forever that she will not be able to see her gc, or is it for a long while?

Hillbilly Housewife replied:
We agreed for 3 weeks, for the moment. Then she can have an hour or two of supervised access... and if she does the same sort of crap while supervised... out the door we go, right away, and another 3 weeks until the next time. If she DOES behave and respect our authority over our kids - then she can have a meal with us at a restaurant. If she is ok still - dh can take the kids over to her place once a week for a few hours.

But she is not going to have them without DH there for a few months, at least.

ilovemybaby replied: How did she take it?

Hillbilly Housewife replied:
I don't even care enough to ask my dh.

ilovemybaby replied: I don't blame you. My MIL is apparently moving out of their house (that they rent from SIL and her husband) and we have no idea where she is moving to. And we don't care.

A&A'smommy replied: goodness well I hope it works!!!

blue72 replied: I don't get to bent out of shape about grandparents allowing kids to breaking normal household rule. After all, it is their house and not mine. Also, they are grandparents. They are entitled to spoiling a child. I hope to be able to spoil a grandchild someday and send them back home to mom. My kids are rarely at their grandparents unsupervised. We are typically with them. I think it would be different if they spent more time alone with grandma. I may expect more household rules to be followed if this is the case. I hope it all works out.

holley79 replied: I'm so sorry Rockie. I would be the same way. It doesn't even have to be a MIL any family member that was that way I wouldn't want to be around much less my children.

ilovemybaby replied: I guess the issue is that they are breaking rules at grandmas and so they think they can do it at home. Pauls best friends two girls are the same. Their mother hates how he doesn't discipline them and when they come home they act up heaps. But when she is the one taking care of them they are good for her.

I don't expect my mother to have all the same rules as me when she takes care of Abby but she sometimes annoys me because she is always saying how she doesn't want her granddaughter to "get fat" and that she hopes we are feeding her well. But then when she is with her she feeds her candy and chocolate and lets her have soda. She doesn't realize that healthy eating habits need to be enforced everywhere. Not just at home.

mammag replied: Sorry you are having such a rough time. With my parents I just don't have them stay at their house without me. I have never really said anything to them because I know they are the way they are....they're not going to change.

While I wouldn't just not let them see them, I just know better than to leave them there without me. I don't necessarily think it has to be an all or nothing thing.

I hope things get better.

Hillbilly Housewife replied: Well yesterday was a HORRIBLE day. I had a course all day - so what does dh do? Pack uyp the kids and goes to MIL's trailer.

He was there, no joke - from 9:30 am to about 1pm - where he then went home with them to their house....

The worst part is - I'd made arrangements with my mom and my grandmother to have chinese takeout for dinner at my place. My mom picked me up at my course early (4pm instead of 5:30pm - it was doneearly...) and she tells me that we're having dinner at the in-laws instead

I totally freaked out.

Can I say that dinner with my mom and my grandmother was at my place? lol

Unfortunately - since dh was over there... they assumed that they could come over too - and showed up at my door with an ice cream cake.

So it's a shame - but i didnn' say a gosh darn word to her. She got there at 5pm - i left with zach around 6:40 - we thought he'd broken his arm, but he didn't after all. So... just a small consolation prize this time.

3_call_me_mama replied: HUGS Rocky. I can imagine that this was an incredibly tough decision. You are their mother and you need to do what is best for them. Hope that she cahnges her ways or at least respects your wishes. AND I hoep Zach's arm is feelign better

~~*Missi*~~ replied:
I am sorry that all this is going on... My mil and I don't get along but I get lucky she never comes around except holidays WHOOO HOOO sabrina can't go there cause of allergies and MIL won't get rid of her cats so.... I am highly allergic and Sabrina already gets hives and blotches all over when she pets cat...

No matter how much me and her don't get along I just could never say you can't see her..... I mean she is the grandmother and I would I have felt if I never got to know my grandmother on both sides cause I KNOW that they both annoyed my mom LOL..... So i do it my way and she can either agree or not come around...
SHOOT my mil's resolution was to see SAbrina more often to come at least once a week" wanna know how long that lasted NEVER NOT AT ALL! She is like those C&E church members LOL


I don't get this thou, maybe is my ocd maybe its cause i have a thing with teeth and hygiene etc... who knows...
you don't want your kids to have there face washed with a rag that was used to wash dishes (totally understandable that is disgusting) but you don't care if they skip a teeth brushing session. Equally as gross. Sabrina is only 19months old and her breath if we don't brush 3 times daily gets pretty rancid. Did i read that wrong?? I can't imagine condoning the one and not the other.... IMHO equally gross...

I hope all works out... I know that its hard for you to have to say this to your husband but its 100times worse for him, cause in the end that is his mother....
It took me a long time to realize that no matter how i feel whether he agrees with me or not... its his mother and its hurts him.... So now i complain about her here, or to my friends and MOM, not to him.... I just stated my peace and ignore but again i only have to see her holidays when she decides her ONLY SON AND ONLY GRANDCHILD are good enough to see..... arghhh she peeves me


i hope for sabrina she marries a ORPHAN so she doesn't have to deal with MIL FIL anything like that...... LOL

Hillbilly Housewife replied: lol

i know it's gross too - but I was trying to say I was picking my battles... that I don't care if they miss a brushing because they're at her place.... they do brush their teeth at home, or if I'm at her place with them

~~*Missi*~~ replied: How are things going Zen? I figured i read it wrong and missed the underlying thing....

I know that this has to be hard. In our house we don't even speak of "MIL" cause it just starts trouble....

I hope that she respects your wishes cause you are the mother....

All i can think of is "my way or the highway" and with my daughter i know Chris and I both feel this way no matter how stinky the outcome or reality of it is