Spin off of J-rod's Post - Funerals and burials...

Kentuckychick wrote: Hope you don't mind J-rod but your post just really got me thinking a lot today (thanks... )

I couldn't answer any of the options because honestly to me it doesn't matter. I totally understand why it does to other people, but to me I would want my family to choose.

The spinoff question I was wondering is a question that came up last year in the "Death and Grief" class that I took (which completely changed my entire perspective on just about everything).

The question is, in your opinions, are funerals more for the person who died, or for the people who are left behind?

Edited to add to the question:
Is there anything you absolutely would want, or something you would not allow to happen? Our teacher thought this was important to discuss with our families.

There was a big (friendly) debate on this in class, but I was somewhat surprised by the answers and I just was wondering what you guys think.

CantWait replied: People left behind. I think it's just for them to be able to say goodbye and show their respects.

I don't understand seriously why they cost so much money.

mom21kid2dogs replied: Since I don't plan to "be" at my funeral, I guess I'd have to say it's for the living. I see it as a way to remember or memorialize a life. I seriously can't see any way it could be for the dead 'cause you're dead ie you are no longer of this world, period, so it's not like you will "be" there.

redchief replied: In my faith funerals are for both. Catholic funerals consecrate the body and prepare it for it's rejoining with the soul at the end of time on earth, and prayers go out for the soul of the departed that he/she may be welcomed in heaven. That's how funerals help the deceased in my faith. Funerals are also for the left behind. There is comfort in the gathering of family and friends in prayer and thanksgiving for the life that was gifted to them. This helps those who must go through the grieving process over the loss of a loved one by reinforcing that they are not alone in their grief, nor are they left alone to live out the rest of their days.

Kentuckychick replied: Yep, I'm agreeing with you ladies so far

I think I need to add what brought this whole discussion about in class so that maybe it will make more sense.
We were actually asked to plan our funerals...
we had to write out our obituaries, think about funeral homes, cemetaries, cremation, etc... think about songs we'd like sung, and the like.

I think 3 of us said in the papers that we simply didn't care. That it wasn't up to us to decide, that it was for our families to remember us by. Once we'd said it in class several others followed along and agreed, but there were about 5 people who thought we were nuts. Unless they had it all laid out for their families they felt their funerals would be horrible...

Um... my thought is... you won't be there!
But I was surprised by it.
I guess a better question would be, is there anything you absolutely would want, or something you would not allow to happen? Our teacher thought this was important to discuss with our families.

For me the only thing was organ donation. I would be furious if my organs could be donated and anyone in my family did something to stand in the way of that process.

(I'll edit and put that in the original post too)

CantWait replied:
Thanks for that explanation Ed. I'm catholic and didn't know that.

Kentuckychick replied:
That was very well put. And being a Catholic as well I do understand that part

I think one of the big arguments people had were fearing their families would argue over religious ceremonies and which types of funerals to have if they didn't make it clear beforehand and I do see this as totally understandable. I would want a Catholic funeral... but I don't think that would be a problem in my family.

redchief replied: On the clarification... I want to be sure my family knows what I want, not so much for myself as much as for them. I can see the arguments, "Well, dad would want this," or "Ed would want that." In my opinion it's not fair to put a grieving family through that additional stress. I wouldn't want to leave them questioning the validity or acceptability of their decisions because I didn't make my desires clear.

ETA: That reminds me. I have to get that will done.

mom21kid2dogs replied: By saying funerals only serve the living, I'm not implying I didn't preplan some of mine~I certainly have. I took the same class in college and it was the first time I had ever even been inside a funeral home in my life (wish I could say it was the last) and gave me plenty to think about~not the least of which is the financial burden a funeral can pose to survivors. We've done major preplanning, such as cost, type of burial, type of service, music, etc so our families don't have to do that while in mourning. If they don't do it, however, it's no skin off my nose (so to speak) so I didn't do it for me, I did it for them!

Kentuckychick replied:
Good point.

As far as those of us who chose not to plan our funerals, I think we all did have some sort of "plan" for money, of course for their children (those who had kids) and a couple had specific ways they wanted to be burried or cremated.

We just didn't care about the funeral itself. For me, I would have my family members choose the songs, the prayers, the service etc... simply because they are the ones who have to sit through it I would hate to bore them too much!

I did used to joke though that it had better be a Catholic funeral because they are long and with all the Catholic funerals I've had to sit through... well...

I will say that class was life changing. I don't think I've ever learned more from a single group of individuals (especially the teacher, she was great). Visiting the funeral home was odd and the embalming room gave me the heebee jeebies... but even that changed my perspective.

amynicole21 replied: I would NOT want a religious ceremony. I think my father and step-mother would push for that, but it would really tick me off if people sat around reading the Bible at my funeral Other than that, they can dance on the coffin if they want - I don't care!

Hillbilly Housewife replied:
My grandmother is Irish.

So there likely will be some of that at her funeral...

In all seriousness - my funeral is bought and paid for, so to speak... coffin is picked and paid for, urn is picked and paid for, and mausoleum box is picked and paid for. As for the "funeral" itself, I want an Irish wake. Lots of booze, partying, no sitting around all depressed. I'm lots of fun in person... I like to have a good time... and although I have PPD, I'm not a very depressed person generally... so I want to "go" the same way I lived.

C&K*s Mommie replied: I would like to have a few church hymns sung, some of my favorites from over the years. Maybe a few minutes set aside for a eulogy from family and friends, beyond that I would want a celebration of life, and the reunion of my soul going on to heaven at my funeral. I'd prefer that no one wore black to show mourning at my funeral, nothing sad or traditional beyond what I mentioned above.

TheOaf66 replied: personally I would rather have a celebration of my life instead of mourning of my death. Take some of my life insurance money, buy a keg of Bud Light and just tell stories about me; talk about the fun times. After the party throw my carcus in the furnace (I really don't believe in caskets and burials) my ashes in an urn and go home. Then convince Jennie to spread some of my ashes the way I want.

Boo&BugsMom replied:
No spreading. I already told you! I need something to still nag at when you leave me!!!

In my honest opinion, I think funerals are more for the people who are left behind because I believe that a person's spirit is already in heaven or hell upon dying.

TheOaf66 replied:
that is why I said SOME of my ashes

Boo&BugsMom replied:
Fine, the Demolition Derby pit can have your twig and berries. I wont be needing them anymore when you're gone.

TheOaf66 replied:
not like you need them now, you got your kids

gr33n3y3z replied: Ed hates my thinking on this

Burn me and toss me dont waste money on a coffin or a Urn or anything that cost money including a stinking stone. those ppl. just want your money.

J-rod replied: to me it is for those left behind as a sense of closure and final goodbye.

i want to be cremated and burried....

weird i know

i want to be cremated as to leave room for others cause we will run out of land someday....also id like to be burried in a "chamber" of some sort so that many many of my families ashes may be burried in one spot.


weird...yes i know

Boo&BugsMom replied:
That stuff is awefully expensive! It's outrageous the cost of caskets and funerals and such.