Spanking - To do or not to do???

SOUTHERN MOMMY wrote: My mom and i are at odds right now over this spanking issue!!! She feels that is the only way to correct a child and i on the other hand feel that it can be used as an effective form of punishment when used in the right way and at the right age. If i spanked my boys every time they did anything wrong they would be black and blue. What is wrong with time-out? Well i would like to know if i am wrong because she feels i am wrong and i feel that she is crazy.

mckayleesmom replied: I agree with you....McKaylee is 2 years old now and sometimes she gets a pop on the bottom (a diapered bottom and never on the skin). Usually I go through every other resource first...Time out...sit in her room....distraction...etc...I also never spank unless she is currently involved in her crime because if she is spanked later she doesn't know what she is being spanked for...and then we have a talk...I had to yell at my husband a couple times because he would call her over after the fact and spank her. He can't do that...especially when she is so darn happy to go see him and then she gets a spanking...NO NO NO...I hardly ever spank though, she usually just laughs at me.

Josie83 replied: Well Jason and I talked about this when Cassie started getting older and we decided that if she wasn't responding to anything else (like Bri said) then we'd have no problem smacking her. But having said that, she has never done anythng bad enough for us to have to do it to her. If she started though, then I would have no problem in some circumstances giving her a tap on the backside, Jason and I both got it and it never did us any harm

By the way, I don't want to start a debate about whether or not this is right or wrong, because I know that some people have strong views about this. I've never actually had to smaclk her but that doesn't mean that I wouldn't. I don't look down on people who don't do it, just like I don't think any less of people who do it!! Eachg to their own eh . . xx

TeagansMom609 replied: I believe in spanking. I haven't spanked Teagan yet though. She's too young. My mother spanked me and it was effective and didn't damage me mentally or anything. Actually my mom used a cutting board when she did it but I think thats going a little too far. I would never do that. I never feared my mother because of it, but I will tell you this, if I was spanked I knew never to do what ever I was doing wrong again.

gr33n3y3z replied:
I agree with Josie

mom21kid2dogs replied: Just a different point of view on this~ but to me, it doesn't seem that the issue is spanking (or not) but your mother's interference in how you are choosing to raise your child. You have the right to raise your children in the manner you see fit and, as long as there is no abuse, no one really can dictate your choices any further. If it were me, I'd have a heart to heart with mom, tell her you respect her point of view but you'll have to agree to disagree with her in regards to discipline. I'd also likely tell her (if she's having problems letting it go) that further discussion might damage your relationship with her, assuming you have one you'd like to presreve. JMO, but mom is WAY out of line here!

Hillbilly Housewife replied: I'll be the first to say that if I've repeated "no" or "don't touch" or whatever 3 times, on the third time, I TELL them that I'll smack their hand. Usually they'll back off whatever it is they're after, but sometimes, they smilek and touch it again - whereas I'll smack their hand (not hard enough to leave it red, but hard enough that it might sting a little) and then I put them in time out, all the while explaining that they didn't listen to what I said, that I gave them a chance and told them the consequence, they chose to act anyways, so they got the consequence, AND a time-out.

Now Zach backs off before I even have to tell him that the next time, he'll get a smack on the hand. Emilie, on the other hand, laughs at me - so although I'd LIKE to smack her a good one, I don't. But I do hold her down on to the chair her time out is in - because oh she struggles....does she ever struggle - but the time out starts after the whining stops. Once they're calmed down, they need to count to ten (well I count for emilie and she repeast the numbers) before they're allowed up from the time-out chair.

Never ever will I tolerate anyone else smacking my child though - my MIL did it once, and I very bluntly told her never to do it again, because I would smack HER. I told her that disciplining the child is MY respensibility (and dh's of course) and that when I am around, it is not her place to say or do snything, whether I am in her house or not. When I am not around, it is up to her to discipline my kids if they're under her supervision, but if I ever find out she smacks them, she'll never watch them again.

I think that you need to tell your mother that no matter what her view is, the bottom line is that the child is YOURS, not HERS, and that it is YOUR methods that will be used, and that she needs to respect that. After all, you don't need to bring your child over for a visit.

A&A'smommy replied: I have popped Alyssa on the hand but it was only because I told her stop or no more than 3 time probably even more that than because she has the poutiest lips ever and it breaks my heart.. Also I don't have anything against spankings but it is different for every parent and every parent has to decide/know what is right of their child and themselves!

Jamielou replied: I beleive in spanking and i also think it depends on the child and how they respond to it. Like Carley, I dont have to spank her i may have two or three times in her whole life other things worked better for her like takeing things away i never really used timeout but i hear that can work for some. I got spankings when i was a child and it definatley tought me not to do that again so I am not against it i would do what works best for you and your child. I think your mom should respect the way you want to raise your children and what works best for your family so i would probably just tell her in a nice way how you feel and that you respect her opinion and advise but that you have it under control. But that is just my opinion and how i would possibly deal with this situation.

Mommy2BAK replied: I will not spank. I was spanked so hard, so often that it became an abuse issue. My dad would spank me until my bottom bled. So to me I just cannot imagine EVER spanking Blakely.

DH's family never spanked, so he is all for not spanking.

lisar replied: I believe in spanking but it has to be for something really bad and not just for anything and everything. And that is only after other punishments do not work. I have tried alot of diffrent ways to get me DD to do things and when they dont work she will get a spanking but they are never very bad and then I always feel bad.

Lisa

amynicole21 replied: We don't spank as a general rule, but once or twice I have resorted to it (DH won't). I feel so guilty afterwards that I vow never to do it again. I often wonder which is worse though, our screaming at her and freaking out, or just giving her a quick pop on the butt... the shouting gets pretty bad sometimes when we are particularly frustrated.

The issue of not spanking is so ingrained into my brain though that once I actually started to open my mouth to bite her instead! DH said he stopped himself from doing that once too! How bizarre.

DansMom replied: I've certainly had my buttons pushed to the point of yelling, which is the way I lose control. Spanking I would never use as a form of discipline as I think it teaches the wrong lesson; but also, it's not the way I tend to lose it when I lose it, which is another matter entirely. There's how do you discipline your child on the one hand, and there's how do you behave when you're angry at your child on the other hand. I don't discipline when I'm angry---I wait until I've calmed down. Discipline has to be about his decision-making, not about mine. Amy, when Daniel was constantly biting me in frustration, that's the closest I got to losing it and biting him back! It was so hard not to take it personally. You gave me the best advice in that thread---clearly you knew where I was coming from

5littleladies replied: I spank my girls when I feel it is necessary. I was spanked as a child and it didn't do me any harm. I don't use spanking as discipline all the time though-It depends on the circumstances and sometimes on the child and how they respond to it.

SOUTHERN MOMMY replied: Thanks for the advise I also spank my boys when the need arises. There is a member ofour family who has a 1 year old and the child gets so many spankings that when you say the word no or raise your voice around her she instantly starts screaming I simply said to my mom that i thought that her mom was abusing the child and proper authoiitys should be called and my mom does not agree.But, i saw them this morning and the baby had like 4 bruses on her arm and a few on her leg and har mom said the ones on her arm was where she held her arm so tight and she felt bad about it so, i called CPS as soon as they left and i don't care what anyone said.As a child my mom took it to far and i got whippings for everything it seems as though i could never make my parents happy.I told my mom that the way i raised my children was non of her buisness and if she could not stay out of it i would stay away.

mckayleesmom replied: Good for you...I would have called too.

Hillbilly Housewife replied:
Good for you. When the child has marks, and I don't mean a handprint right after the slap - I mean a lasting mark - there is definitely trouble. Especially if the child is 1. At 17 months, my DD still doesn't always understand what I am telling her - and she doesn't know WHY I am alspping her hand when I do - all she knows is that she associates no with stop, and if she doesn't, she gets a small slap.

Hodling a child by the arm hard enough to leave bruises, other than in a very circumstancial situation, as in if the child is about to fall down the stairs and you grab their arm to hold them back, is just plainly a no-no. It IS abuse. The bruises show that the parents do not show parenting skills - let's face it. Everyone has lost their temper with their children - and everyone has at least felt the urge to slap, or bite, or yell, whatever, but it's whether you smack to discipline, or to ease your anger.

If I am too angry or annoyed, I don't smack the kids, even a little one, because with adrenaline going through my body, what *I* perceive to be a small slap could very well be harder than I'd normally like it to be. I put them in their room, I go in mine, and we both stay there until we've calmed down.

Good for you for calling CPS - I would have as well. I'm by no means perfect - and although I discipline my children, I would never HURT them. Never have my smacks left even a red mark.