So-so performance eval - new mom=new priorities

DansMom wrote: Have you ex-English majors out there ever heard of "damning with faint praise"? I remember that from college, and today I was the recipient of this phenomenon. I was rated as "satisfactory" in managing my department this year. I've done this job 8 years with great reviews, and this is the first time it's been lukewarm. In reading through the eval a second time, I see my maternity leave and my new family described as "distractions" this year, and reference to my being exhausted. Now I am remembering the several times in the last few months that my boss has asked "are you STILL nursing him?" or made a comment that I might get better sleep if I weaned him. I should point out that only one other manager in the building has children: they are grown and in college and he's a man. The other managers all have dogs that they go home to at lunch to take for a walk. Their pets are their babies, and they don't want families, so they rarely have to leave unexpectedly to cover childcare when it falls through and such. I was single and in my thirties when they promoted me, so they probably thought I would remain childless. I now remember that someone more experienced and seemingly more fit, in my opinion, was passed over---I remember being surprised that I got the job offer and not her. She had a young child at home. Hmmm.

I once mentioned pumping before a meeting, to one other person who asked a direct question about how motherhood and working full time was going, but within earshot of others, and was later told that I should not talk about nursing, pumping or baby issues at meetings, especially since one of the other managers doesn't like children or to hear stories about children. What if I don't like dogs and don't want to hear her stories about how one of her dogs won this or that event at a dog show? (I do like dogs, and I do like the stories, but that's beside the point). Some of the points made in the eval are right on, and are things I stated in my self-evaluation that I want to work on. But I resent discovering that my having a real life outside of work is viewed as a distraction. I have to be careful not to complain about my exhaustion at work next year and start wearing make-up again, like I used to when I had time to get ready in the morning, before the baby, so they don't see the bags under my eyes. I've already started pumping in my own office rather than in the designated empty office (which happens to be 2 doors from my boss).

Thanks for listening to my vent.

maliksmommy replied: That is just crazy!! I would be absolutely furious. Is there anyone you can say something too? Don't let it get you down, I am sure you are a wonderful employee and would probably be lost without you.

A&A'smommy replied: grrr i would be very angry too....they sound VERY self centered! Anyways i agree with maliksmommy that they would probably be lost without you!

MommyToAshley replied: There is one word for this... descrimination. I don't throw that word around lightly, but it does sound a lot like it to me. Especially when you said one other qualified person was passed up for the position for this very reason.

I think you are smart that you have started pumping in your office, although you shouldn't have to. And, phoooey on them if they don't want to hear baby stories.... Who doesn't like kids???? I am scared of dogs myself, but I don't get upset if someone tells a cute puppy story, geeesh!

I think you have a right to be upset. I guess you just have to decide how you want to handle it. If you want to make a big stink or if you want to try to hide your real life from you work life. Not very appealing or fair choices.

Good luck and let us know how it goes.

jcc64 replied: What sort of work do you do again? It is difficult to reconcile work and family to the point that you feel each is getting 100%. People without kids generally can't understand the relentlessness of the commitment, or if they do, don't appreciate how it depreciates your value as an employee. "Having it all" is a myth in my opinion. The best one can do as a working mom in my opinion is to find a family friendly employment situation. And then we have to be realistic about what we can accomplish career wise when the kids are young, and undestand that big career commitments might have to wait until the kids are older. It's hard to conceive of now, but there will come a time when our babies don't want us around, and that's the golden time to pour all that energy into work. Yes, it sucks that you work for a bunch of single guys that don't "get it." The best you can do is adjust your expectations or find a new job. Easier said than done, right?

ediep replied: That is horrible, from your description, it sounds like "the firm". Family is a distraction????? I always tell Dh that is work is a distraction from whats important!! Family!!!
Anyway, good idea pumping in your office...

Good luck

kit_kats_mom replied: My old company was very "family un-friendly" too. That's why I didn't go back. If/when I need to go find work outside of the home again, I am really going to focus on trying to find something where alot of the people (especially management) have kids. Those without, just dont' understand. I'll admit to feeling resentful when my co-worker took days off for her DD's illnesses before I had a baby. And when she would pump I had to cover her phones which drove me nuts. Now I understand how awesome she was being but it was hard to imagine it then. I'm so sorry that you are having to deal with this. I am sure it is hard and with your skills, a drop in performance appraisal is a bummer.

coasterqueen replied: Awwww that just stinks!!!! BF and pumping should not have anything to do with it I know I have been walking on "eggshells"at work since Kylie turned a year. I had told my boss I was not going to pump past a year, but here I am still doing it, lol. I did just recently cut down to 2 sessions a day instead of 3 because my job is getting more demanding, but also Kylie is not drinking as much ebm, so it works out.

I know my job has really been "abused" since I've had Kylie. I don't have as much energy at work or even care as much as I used to. I also am on the computer chatting on the boards when I didn't before having a baby, lol.

DansMom replied: Thanks you all for the supportive responses---it means a lot to me. I have given it some thought, and although I do think there is discrimination on my boss' part against employees who are also moms, I think what really bothered me was realizing, like Jeanne said, that I really can't give 100% to a full time job and another 100% to being a mom. That really is a myth. I manage a staff of 16 copy editors, and it's quite demanding. Daniel still wakes up 3-4 times a night when he's NOT teething, and I know that I look and feel exhausted at work, and also have forgotten meetings, have trouble getting to work on time, etc. I've had very successful weeks in which it all seemed to be functioning smoothly, but I've also had some really bad weeks.

Although I do believe my boss discriminates against mothers in her promotion decisions, and the language in the evaluation is colored by that, it's still accurate that I'm doing just okay right now. They are generally happy with me, they know me well enough to stick with me for the long haul, I'm experienced enough to basically do what I need to do and delegate as much as possible, and I am making enough money to support my family. I think that has to be good enough for me now emotionally---I won't expect to get rave reviews when I really am giving about 60-70% of what I was giving to work before the baby.

One nice thing about my work is the casual dress code and the fact that we're a not-for-profit publication rather than a corporate organization. I should keep focused on what is good and not expect too much in the way of career building right now.

CantWait replied: That's absolutely crazy. I wish I had more to say, but that just sickens me that a company you give your soul to can treat you that way.

amynicole21 replied: Yikes. That sucks Shame on your boss - You are definitely being discriminated against. Even if you do agree with some of their points, his comments, and the comments of the other people in the office are completely disgusting. I'm sorry that you are made to feel that you are lesser now that you have a child. If they only knew what having a child adds to a person's life, they would appreciate you more. I really don't know what to tell you, but I want to offer you lots of support from a working Mom who knows what you are going through

Schnoogly replied: Yeah I know what you mean about balancing work and the babe. I am so lucky both my jobs are very forgiving, and one of them has gotten about 5% of what I used to give since Iain was born. I am actually going to quit after this semester and only stay home for at least a year. It was a very hard decision, and I'm sure I'll regret it many times, but trying to balance everything is making me sick, literally. So I empathize with you, but still think your boss is being an a-hole. I'd like to see him wake up 8x a night and still be cheerful and energetic at work!!!

DansMom replied: It's great to hear from other moms right now. It really is a huge thing we're doing, whether we work or stay home. We're all pretty exhausted these days aren't we? I have a feeling things will get at least a little bit more sane when we can get 5 hours of continuous sleep for a whole week. I long for that day Thanks everybody for your supportive words. It really helps me feel better about going to work tomorrow and giving it my 60%!

Hillbilly Housewife replied: I suggest you make some doggie treats for everyone in the office to take home to their dogs.... but add something in it, like a laxative or something... (something safe) that would or could make the dogs wake up a couple times a night.

Then make comments on how the people who look tired *look tired*...like they were kept up that night.....

lol

jk though - that's kinda mean.

I realy don't think that some people (usually boss, or men) understand how much family means to some people. Do they ever feel lonely? I could never be alone - even if I was single and unmarried, I would most likely end up trying to adopt a child or 2!