So Bizarre - DH is losing his mind

DansMom wrote: Last night DH brought up for the third time in 2 weeks the idea of TTC again. I'm just starting to feel like me again at work, like I'm operating on all cylinders and not distracted---I'm liberated from the pump, Daniel's sleeping through the night. We've reached this place where we can take a breath. With DH being 54 and me 40, we had already decided that one was enough, and I feel so lucky to have had a healthy child at my age. I'm really enjoying the toddler age so much more than infant and newborn. I don't miss those early stages at all, although I enjoyed them at the time. It was hard on my physically. I had gestational diabetes, baby blues for months, and a huge tear with delivery, all of which would happen again. I think DH enjoys being a stay-at-home dad much more than the idea of working full time again Also, all the moms in his playgroup just had a second baby (some a third)---he's the only parent with one child. He's seeing them handle it and is getting ideas that we could handle it too. I kind of said "no way" last night. Now I'm feeling kind of melancholy, but not sure why.

Maddie&EthansMom replied: Don't feel bad for saying no and putting your foot down. Having another child at any age is a big decision. I'm only 27 and I know I couldnt' do it again. It is a big responsibility and something your whole heart needs to be into in order to make it work. Besides, it is a decision you need to agree upon together otherwise one of you may resent the other.

Josie83 replied: Goodness tell me about it. Before I went back to school Jason wanted to have another, and I said no way. You have to be sure if you want a baby. Don't feel bad. Sorry I couldn't offer any more help, I'll offer you a hug instead! xx

kit_kats_mom replied: Aw, that's a huge decision. I find it kind of sweet that he's got baby fever though.
I doubt we would be having another anytime soon if we had not had an accident. I totally know what you mean about enjoying this stage. I am loving it, especially the sleep and the use of both arms for most of the day. Lauren will be having a few things done differently but that is mainly because I really felt tied down and kind of like a martyr for K's first two years and I was just not nice. I will be really trying to get Lauren to take a bottle so that DH can help with feedings and my ultimate goal is to get her to sleep in her crib...ok, still in our room and I'm willing to co-sleep when I'm going to bed but none of this putting the baby down on our bed and laying there awake for 3 hours until my bedtime...uh-uh. Not interested.
I guess you and dh just need to do a pro/con list and come to a joint decision. Maybe you could adopt a good sleeping baby? LOL

amynicole21 replied: Wow. It may be that he sees his opportunities coming to an end due to age and is feeling a bit panicked about it. I know that once we hit that lull - the stage when you weren't waking up to tend to the baby 3x a night, and life seemed to be on auto-pilot - I started to get the itch again. Sounds like he is experiencing the same thing.

Have you ever discussed adopting a child? Or maybe becoming foster parents? I've always wanted to do that. It's certainly not for everyone. I don't know what to tell you, other than it is probably a phase that will pass. Certainly something to discuss with him further.

DansMom replied:

Funny, he mentioned that too! That would take away some of the hesitation for me---most children are adopted at one year of age or later, I'm noticing, so both the physical difficulties of childbearing and the newborn issues wouldn't be a factor. Still, there are a host of other issues with adoption... I'd need to educate myself. I haven't ruled it out though!

Thanks everybody---it helps to talk these things out with objective people!

kit_kats_mom replied:
My mom's best friend (our family has taken her in so she's my "aunt") adopted a Tiwaneese girl 17 years ago and my step aunt went to Thailand to adopt a little boy 4 years ago. Both of these kids are simply awesome and our family would not be the same without either of them.

Awesome, awesome kids. If it is an option, I'd highly reccomend it. I'd be happy to ask them any questions you want to ask and or put you in touch with either of them.

MommyToAshley replied: I have to agree that it is sweet that he is getting baby fever. It's probably just as hard on Dads to watch their baby grow up as it is on us Moms.

But, I completely understand your hesitation and feel some of those same things... I am really enjoying Ashley at this age. I hope your DH understands, and maybe adoption is the right answer for you. And, any child would be lucky to have you as parents.

kimberley replied: wow, that is odd for a man to have baby fever. sweet though. i think adoption might be the way to go if you do consider another child. if you feel hesitant to go through pg and the first year again, then i wouldn't do it just cuz DH wanted it. plus there are so many babies without a home out there. good luck with your decision. keep us posted!

ediep replied: MY Dh has baby fever bad!!! I know that I am not ready right now, I am enjoying the toddler age so much and I really don't miss the infant stage at all. I keep telling him that I want to get pg when I feel like I really want a baby, not because it is a convenient time in our lives. He is not convinced, but we are waiting for now

MomToMany replied: I think it's so cute when men get baby fever ! I also want to say that my dad was 54 when I was born, and my mom was 35, and they had 4 more kids after me! I have 2 older sisters too.

But ITA with what everyone has said. Look into other options if you really don't want to be PG again. I can't blame you a bit after what you went through!


Just follow your hearts, and you will get led in the right direction.

jcc64 replied: As one of the few other moms on here that are of "advanced maternal age", I can really understand your concerns (but unlike your dh, mine is 39). Having had my 1st at 27, I can say unequivocally that it's a lot harder to do the older you get. Emotionally, I feel better equipped to sort out all the different developmental stages and challenges that come up with kids, and I am more secure about my decisions, even some of the more unconventional ones. I used to feel obligated to follow all the conventional wisdom, entertain the unsolicited opinions, worry and fret all the time about whether I was doing the right thing. Not so anymore, and I really believe that comes with age and experience. It's so funny- I turned 40 a few days ago, and boom, all of a sudden I feel really empowered, like I could care less what people think and say about me anymore. Very liberating.
Sorry for the tangent. But while being an older mom has the above mentioned benefits, there are also the drawbacks. There are the obvious physical issues you mentioned. And for me, there is just much, much less energy. I am utterly exhausted at the end of the day. I go to sleep when Corey does. Which means I have no conscious time w/o kids at my feet. And while I am a big proponent of siblings, I cannot deny that the structure of your family will change dramatically. Where before you could hand Daniel off to dh and be temporarily unencumbered, there would then be another one to deal with. With more than one kid, there simply is less time to savor things, kwim? Less time to help with homework, foster a special interest, b/c the other one is always yelling for something in the other room, kwim? I had it all under control with the 2 boys, but Corey just about tipped me over the edge. Sometimes I feel like all I'm achieving is crisis management and damage control. Of course, everyday isn't like that. But working families with more than one kid are pretty chaotic.
And then of course there's the issue of college/retirement, which will happen back to back with a baby at your age. Pretty stressful from an economic standpoint.
I'm sure you know all this. And I'm sure you know that deciding to have a baby is an emotional decision, not a rational one. I'm just letting you know that your concerns are valid and reasonable. I also entertained the idea of adoption before we had Corey, but decided against it for financial reasons. I still fantasize about fostering/adopting when the kids are older and don't need me so much anymore. I know TONS of adopted kids here, and their families are so rich in love and blessings, and they have the added benefit of connecting to another culture/family in a very special way. Good luck, Tracy, I know how hard it is to reason through all the diffferent angles. PM me anytime. I could go on forever.

A&A'smommy replied: I read most of this last night but wasn't able to reply That is really sweet that he has baby fever but if you don't want to have a newborn than you really shouldn't. I have ALWAYS wanted to adopt a foreign baby I can't wait until we can Good luck with whatever you decide to do!

DansMom replied: You guys are the best! I know a lot of positive adoption stories---and especially recently, I have two friends who couldn't conceive after multiple miscarriages. In both cases they adopted from China---girls who were released from orphanages at about one year old. The father of one of these girls broke down crying the last time I spoke with him, saying it was the best decision he's ever made and they love this little girl so much. I was moved, and definitely convinced that, while biological relationship is a strong bond, it is clearly not the only way to be a totally committed, completely fulfilled, infatuated parent. I would definitely consider this route if we decide to expand our family. It is expensive. My insurance covered most of Daniel's birth. To adopt, I might need thousands of dollars---not sure how we would do that.

Thanks for all your insights---it really helps. DH has calmed down a bit, but he's still talking about baby names this morning.