Situation... (a tad long) - Needs advice from you...

guertin31 wrote: Hey guys... I'm in a situation that I'm finding a difficult choice to make.

My sister in law (Allison’s sister) has not been such a great aunt to Frankie. Nichole has a very selfish disposition and makes you feel that you are asking too much if you dare to ask anything at all. Here are 2 examples of what I'm talking about:

1- We baby sat for her 9 month old daughter for 8 hours when it was supposed to only be 4 (they didn’t call to let us know they were going to be late).

2 - Nichole and her husband went to a concert and we baby sat her daughter, again with no question. (and they were 2 hours late with no call)

Here is where she is selfish:

When my friend’s wife unexpectedly was killed in a car crash, we asked her to watch Frankie so I could run to the wake and pay my respects. She told us it “oh I first have to check with my husband....” 45 minutes later she says "oh its too last minute and I just can't…" And then on Allison’s birthday she said she would watch Frankie but then last minute she was like "how long are you going to be? You should stay and put Frankie to sleep then go out.” (with an attitude in her voice). So we had to get another baby sitter because she wouldn’t do it.

Basically, she hates watching my son. Its all about her family and everyone else is beneath her. To avoid fights or arguments, Allison and her family go along with how she act. BUT I don’t play that song... We’ve helped them move, I’ve cooked for them I mean we’ve done a lot for them. So its not expected for people to be the same, but, they didn’t even give a decent reason as to why they couldn’t watch Frankie.

So this Sunday they invited the family over to Nichole’s house for dinner. I don't want to go but I told Ali that she and the baby can. What would you guys do? Its not about me, its about the disrespect she shows my son. She does the same thing to other children and we just watch. Now when its my kid, the deal is different. So what do you think should I stay home and watch Lord of the Rings marathon, or go and be misrable?


Thanks.

ammommy replied: That's tough. On one hand, I understand where you are coming from. Enough is enough, already. On the other had, well she's family so you don't want to start a feud. I think that your compromise is a good one. You aren't keeping Frankie from his Aunt, but you aren't dealing with the garbage either.
What does Allison say, though? That is who has to be OK with it, IMO.

gr33n3y3z replied: I agree how does Allison feel about it?

luvbug00 replied: ditto... I'd watch the marathon though I'm soo stubborn

kimberley replied: why is there always one of these in every family? i agree you should talk to Ali. if she really wants you to go, i would suck it up and go. hopefully you can openly discuss the issue at another time. it isn't right. and i also would be putting my foot down with bending over backwards for this girl. sister or not, she is taking advantage.

My2Beauties replied: I would hold out on saying something until she does it again. You can't really come back now and mention things that happened in the past, you are doing right by not going, because I wouldn't want to neither. BUt if she does something like that again, honey I wouldn't be able to bite my tongue - I would say something!

aspenblue1 replied: I would probably stay at home.

MyBrownEyedBoy replied: Ditto to above. But I agree that if Alison wants you to be there you should do it for her sake. My DH has sucked it up on many occasions that involve various members of my loony family.

mom21kid2dogs replied: Sounds like Nichole has a big charachter flaw and her behavior is not just directed at you and yours~she's just generally inconsiderate with everyone. I so agree with Kimberly~why is there one in every family?

That being said, by not attending with Allison & Frankie it leaves them to explain away your abscence so by default you are playing her song. Personally, I've done it both ways, but prefer to take the higher ground and control the things I can in these situations. That being said, I'd have to say that being stubborn is a major personality trait on mine, bit I've never felt good about myself if I use that to stoop to the "lowness" of another~KWIM? Go, socialize with the family members whose company you enjoy and if you'd like to discuss Nichole's inconsiderate behavior with her do so at another time. By confronting her about it privately, you can air your feelings, not play her game and leave the proverbial ball in her court. In the future, I'd cultivate some much more considerate childcare arrangements, especially for important occasions!

Hillbilly Housewife replied: Yeah - I know where you`re coming from - my MIL just irritates me, and she`s the only one who can singlehandedly do it EVERY TIME I see her. It usually takes me a lot to get really irritated.... so now, when we go and visit - we visit at her house (NOT her trailer) with the kids and DH, so that if I get too irritated with her, I call my mom on her cell phone (I just let it ring, I don`t actually talk to my mom) and my mom knows to call MIL`s house to see if I can get away for an hour or so to help her with something.

It really helps.

Otherwise, if I know I`m going to be 'stuck' there, I just don`t go. DH can go with the kids to see his parents on his OWN. They`re not MY parents, I have my own to visit...

guertin31 replied: I'm not sure what to do. Ali is great. I mean, at first she was mad, but then she was like "do what you feel is best". Her mother thinks I should go.

I look at it like this. If I go, I have to be fake, which i am soooo not...

If I dont go, I send a clear message that there is a problem and she will think twice before being selfish to us again.

get this - THIS ONE KILLS ME... her daughter, they had the baptism, they had a godmother (her friend) BUT NO GODFATHER! Everyone in the family was shocked that she didn't ask me to be the Godfather.

wow... i forgot about that one.. now im really mad...

MyBrownEyedBoy replied: But also if you don't go, she may use it as more ammunition to be even worse.

guertin31 replied:
OMG BRING IT! lol

coasterqueen replied: I probably wouldn't go either. But how would you know that she would know the reason for you not going? She's probably going to ask Ali why and is Ali going to tell her the truth or make some lame excuse? If it's a lame excuse her sis will never know the real reason why and well, it wouldn't have solved anything. I guess the good thing that would come out of it is you get to do something you would rather do.

Insanemomof3 replied: My mother in law is like that. The only reason she is glad about having grandkids is for the 'status'. She does NOTHING for them at all. We have done alot for them, but get nothing in return.

I don't know what to say to help you. But I know how you are feeling. I am the type of person though that you cross me too many times and you just don't need to see my kids.

mysweetpeasWil&Wes replied: I agree with Karen...I don't think it's fair to leave the explaning up to Ali since she will be there and obviously your SIL will ask. I would go and just socialize with the others. Casually say hi to her and what not, but I think it's best you are the bigger person and show her face to face that you're hurt by her actions. Maybe pull her aside and just explain that you expect a favor in return.

Even if your SIL was aware she hurt you, which I don't think she is, it doesn't mean that she will understand your point by you not showing up. She may just turn it around on you and get mad...and so it's a back and forth cycle. My MIL's family has been doing it for YEARS...and this is between siblings...they don't speak and they don't show up, even if it's someone's wedding!! Total shame. It becomes all about them instead of who's celebration it really is. There stupid pride hurts the whole family.

Don't let that happen to you.

Kaitlin'smom replied:
if she has the personaltity that I think she does (like my oldest sister) then she WONT CARE ONE BIT, sorry to be harsh but people like that dont care and wont get the message.

you and Ail need to set the line and dont let her cross it and if she does well then your probably better off not dealing with the drama, and all the things you do fro her well if it were me they would stop until she either shows appricaition or does somethign for you first, I could go on and on


Kimberley I agree why is there ALWAYS one in the family

ammommy replied:
Here is some girl speak translation on this one: "Buddy, you better go but I'm not going to make you. I will be pi$$ed if you make the wrong choice,though "



As for the second part, I really don't think that she will get the message if she's the type of person that I think she is. People who are that self absorbed generally don't understand subtle clues.

guertin31 replied:
I talked to Ali and she supports my decition. i asked her like 100000X if she would be upset and she said absolutly no. I also asked her that when she goes on Sunday and her sister asks where I am, that she tell her the reason. So she said she would...

All I know is that I'm not a fake person. Its just not in me to be that way. I may get my eyebrows done and have the ocassional pedicure, but Im as real as they get.. LOL (kidding)

CantWait replied: Glad you guys were able to work out a comprimise. Good Luck.