Should I pack his bags, or let him come home?

TeagansMom609 wrote: Well I think most of you know all of the problems Ive had with DH and his bad drinking problem. January 15, 2005, I moved out of the apartment we were living in and moved into my own place because his drinking and disrespect was so bad. Well a couple weeks later we worked things out and he moved in with me. He promised he would stop drinking, get a new, better job, get his license (which he hasnt had in eight years but could have, just didnt). Well he did all that. He hasnt drank since January. I was VERY proud of my "new" husband. So was his family and mine. He has a new job, wears a tie to work everyday. He was turning his life around, and things were great with us. Were having another baby, etc. Well yesterday he called me and said he was leaving work with this guy he works with, he was going to grab something to eat and come home. Well 2 hours later he calls me from his managers house drunk saying he was going to watch the Tyson fight. I FLIPPED SH**! I was balling my eyes out, I was screaming at him. He was denying he was drinking. (which he always does) Im so dissapointed in him. And not only was he drunk but i was home waiting for him to come home all day and then he calls me from some guys house TELLING me he was going to be there all night watching the game.

So now this morning I wake up and havent heard from him yet. Then the phone rings, its pay phone about 1 1/2 north of where I live. Its him, asking me to come get him because he left some guys moms house up there looking for a 7-11 and got lost. WTF???????????? So I told him to screw off, im not coming to get him. He called his Dad, and he wont come get him either. So I called the guys cell phone hes with, he was sleeping but I talked to him and told him Shawn called me from a pay phone.

Im really pissed off right now. I know people fall off the wagon on their way to recovery ALOT but I dont know if I can handle crap like this again. Im pregnant, having him here helps me out alot financially. But I raelly cant go through this with him again. Am I supposed to be understanding, or just walk away?

Jamison'smama replied: Sounds like you really know what to do...not going to get him, not falling for his bs, I am so sorry.

What steps has he taken to remain sober? Does he go to meetings? Did he get any kind of treatment to teach him tools to continue his sobriety? The reason these things exsist is because it is easy to fall off the wagon with out some serious supports in place and tools to use when tempted.

What you do at this point is a hard decision but I would think he would need to get more serious about the problem and realize that he needs help.

mammag replied: As the daughter of an Alcoholic I am looking at this through Teagan's eyes and the new baby.....

My gut says to end it. I hate to think of those babies growing up and experiencing the things I did. Has he been in any treatment or does he not think he has a problem? I know you love him so my next thing would be to say he has to get treatment before you will take him back.

I'm so sorry this is happening all over again. I know how you must be feeling. My dad quit when I was in seventh grade because of a really really bad night that we had to end up calling the police on him (even though they never showed up.....whole other post ). He quit for 10 years and then started again when I had Kristen and I remember being sooo upset because I thought things were different and it was such a blow to me.

Again from the child's point of view, I remember being so mad at my mom for putting up with it. I know it's awful to say, but I don't have a lot of respect for her for what she put up with and what she let us experience. Even when you don't think the kids are being affected, they are. My sisters, brother, & I all have issues that I know are from being raised in an alcoholic environment.

At the same time, I also know what it's like to love an alcoholic. Even as an adult myself, I take things from my Dad that I shouldn't. I put up with his embarassing and hurtful behavior and just keep hoping it's going to be different the next time. Sometimes it's good......when he's not at the mean drunk stage.......but it gets bad again and I always curse myself for letting it happen.

I know it is soooo hard. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Either way, it's going to be difficult for you.

Jamielou replied: I am sorry this is happening to you. I dont blame you i wouldnt have went and picked him up either. Does he stay out like this all the time?

Jamie

mckayleesmom replied: Another daughter of an Alcoholic

When I was 4 my parents divorced (because he was an alcoholic..but we didn't remember that growing up). For 9 years after that my dad was super dad. He did everything for us...took us places...made sure we had hobbies. We never noticed him drinking on those weekends,,but he might have been drinking all along. The only thing he did then was bad mouth our mom constantly...and then tell us to tell her we needed to be a family in the next sentence (how confusing eh?). Anyways..when I was around 13 my parents decided to get back together, in the process of moving into our new home my father broke his ankle and had to have pins put in...he also got pain killers . He became addicted to the pain killers..My mom did everything she could, but he refused to stop..so she packed us up and we left. This is when I realized who my dad was and that I had developed a hate for him. About a year later I come home from school and guess whos there...my dad. They were back together...but it took us a while to realize that he wasn't addicted to pain killers anymore,,but alchohol again. He escalated with the alchohol. He became violent with my mom..hadn't hit her, but very verbal and would get in your face type thing..very intimidating to her. SHe was afraid to make him leave. One day he gave my brother and his friends beer...my brother is on Medication for Terets syndrome....so needless to say..he was drunk when he let them have beer. The cops were called, but they had no evidence to arrest him...While he was outside talking to the cops...I was packing his clothes in garbage bags. If my mom was to afraid to kick him out, I wasn't...I went out and threw his clothes in garbage bags out on the lawn. He took the hint and left. Honestly, I wish my parents would have NEVER NEVER ever gotten back together. They claim it was for the kids, but if they would have asked us..we would have been just fine with them apart. Don't stay with him just for the kids. Please don't do that.,,kids are stronger and more aware of things then you realize. Right now it might work out financially,,,but what happens if he starts drinking that part of the finances..Like my dad. My mom worked 2 jobs and had 5 kids...My dad half the time was unemployed because he was too hungover to go to work or to drunk. When he did have a job he spent that money on his drinking habit. I would come home from school praying that the electricity or the water wasn't turned off. Yes....my father drank the electricity bill money and the water money often. When my mom wasn't with him..she did just fine.

mckayleesmom replied: Btw...did I mention that when I was getting married he was too drunk to come to the phone. So I didn't sweat it..I walked myself down that isle...I think that now I am soooo use to his lies and disapointment that I love him,,but hate him more. Im kind of numb to the whole thing. My little sister is deeply affected by it...but I tell her not to dwell on it because we are the only people that can make ourselves happy. Also, when I kicked him out, my oldest sister called me and reemed me a new one for it..I told her that she hasn't had to live with him...HE IS NOT OUR DAD..Hes some guy in our dads body, not the one we grew up with. Now she sees it, but it took her a long time. I went to visit him when I was in Arizona with my mom. He is sober now (or at least it seems) and working (probably cause my mom isn't there to work for him). He loved seeing his grandkids and before I left he told me he was proud of me. I love my dad,,,but as mean as it sounds him being proud of me meant nothing to me...I felt nothing...because he didn't have anything to do with the reasons he was proud of me. He didn't raise me...he raised his vodka bottle. The only thing he did and I thank him for is that he made me realize that I didn't want to be like him and I could do better.

mammag replied: I also just wanted to ask if you have ever attended Alanon meetings. I think that could be really helpful to you. I have thought of going even now but I don't have to deal with my dad so much so I don't but sometimes it would be nice to talk to other people who have gone through the same stuff and I suspect it could be a benefit to you.

Hope we have helped you some. Let us know how you are doing.

TeagansMom609 replied: He was going to AA, and TAASK meetings. He was court committed to both for 6 months because of a harrassment charge I had against him way back when. Since he started his new job he started making excuses saying he couldnt go to them because he didnt have the time.

Does he go out like this all the time? No, he used to though. He used to not come home for days, thats why I left him before.

No, I havent gone to Al-anon but would like to and probably should.

I too am a daughter of an alchoholic. My Dad has been drunk as long as I can remember. He was pshysically violent to me when I was in my young teens, and verbally too. Still is verbally.

My mother after about 25 years of his crap, left. I aslo resent her in a way for never taking us out of the situtation. I think she was selfish, and didnt think about us and how it would affect us. So I know whats best for me, and my kids, and would never want them to have to deal with that life like I did, and still do. Its horrible. Im so emotionally drained.

JAYMESMOM replied: You have lived him with him, you know if this is his normal MO of getting straightened up and then reverting to his bad habits.


If it isn't he probably just fell off the wagon. I would recommend going to ALANON meetings.

If you believe he really did fall off the wagon - then demand he go to AA meetings if it going to work. He may also want to seek help from a therapist dealing in addiction.

If he is not willing to do this then he is probably not wanting to change.

and in that case you need to do what is best for you and the kids. Even if that means leaving.

gr33n3y3z replied: want the truth?
try to be more understanding when he does fall off the wagon
If you keep B******G him out That will be his way out kwim? BUT let him know how good he WAS doing and see if you can help him out in any way

A&A'smommy replied: (((((BIG HUGS))))) I'm sorry your going through this again!

Boys r us replied: I don't want this to seem unsympathetic, but I agree with Lisa!
you know he's going to fall off of the wagon and this isn't a "choice" per say, he has a disease and I'm not in any way making excuses for him...I understand how bad this hurts. But you two got married and agreed to be with one another for better or for worse..it sounds like he's really trying and I don't think you can just call it quits when he messes up one time in 6 months..KWIM?

bwalkerletters replied:

I'm with this statement too...........We all make mistakes in relationships, and if you think he has really been trying to make positive steps to do better, then support him. In general, men would rather be "cheered for" than "rooted against". KWIM?? Just like when it comes to chores........we do much better to feel appreciated and applauded for the good things we do than getting B'd at for not doing something right, or not doing something at all. When you support and applaud us for doing good things, it makes us want to do even better. Sounds silly, but it's the truth.

Hillbilly Housewife replied: Another booze child here......


my dad beat my mother often. I was too young to remember a lot of it - and my mom tells me often she`d have never left him if I hadn`t said:

dad`s going to flip!

after a school day where my mom, who was a substitute teacher, had to stay an extra 30 minutes for a meeting, and I waited with her, since I went to school where she was working.....if I said that, then obviously I`d seen or heard something, right?

I don`t have a lot of memories from stuff that happened when I was young. I remember little bits and pieces.... but I was a liar when I was younger, I would make up stories to myself and to my friends to make things seem so much better than they were. I would tell everyone that my dad was dead. That he was a doctor in another country. That I had 2 dogs, that`s why my leg was scratched up....crap like that.... because it was better, to me, than telling the truth, which was that my dad pushed me off the chair or whatever. It seemed SAFER to lie.

Now....at htis point.... alot of my childhood *memories*, if you will, are simply fading thoughts..because I don`t know what is true and what is not. I kept up the charade with myself for so long...that I don`t know if a memory is real or not...and I don`t care much to find out, because if the memories are worse, I don`t want to remember them.

When I moved out on my own, at 15, I had a pretty tough life.... to make a long story short, i went to school, went to work, went home, went to a bar. At FIFTEEN. I drank for a long time. Difference is - I didn`t NEED it. It passed the time.... made my thoughts numb. I `was pretty much an alcoholic. Then I met my ex, and my life flipped to taht side of the dark. I drank ALL THE TIME. A few times, I went straight from the bar to home to change, then to work. Sad, huh?

It is a disease.... but it can be helped. NOt cured, but helped. I don`t drink a lot now. Maybe 3 or 4 shots when I go out with friends, which happens like 3 times a year.... (yay for toddlers at home!!! ) and my DH and I will finish a small bottle of cheap wine between the 2 of us, maybe once every 6 or 7 weeks. Other than that, I don`t drink other than the occasional glass of wine at a restaurant, or on a special occasion.

I knopw that when i get drunk (which I rarely ever do) I can say some pretty nasty things, and not remember what I said.... and i don`t want to be like my father, so I don`t drink often at all, and never past a slight buzz.

When I turned 14, my mother sat down with me and told me in detail everything my dad had done. I didn`t speak to my dad again until the day I turned 18. Now, he still drink, still smokes (both types of smokes...) and is still a little violent with his current girlfriend (they`ve been together for 9 years). His gf has a daughter, who has a son - he`s 3 months older than my son....and he gets watched by my dad. I`d never leav my child with my father, unattended.

My mother left my dad 3 times before the final time, Christmas 1993. She left him once when I was 3 months old. He had never even touched me, other than the day of my birth, becasueu the doctor had shoved me in his arms. He stopped drinking thenm, for 3 years - and they got pregnant again. My mother lost the baby at 5 months pg, and he drank again. 2 years later, she got pg again - and she had my brother not long after I turned 6. when he was abotu 1 month old, she left him again, for 1 week. He stopped drinking, again. He started up again almost as soon as she moved back in with him.

the third time, she left him becasue he beat her very badly, we went to stay with my grandparents for a couple months during the summer...and my mom went to my uncles`s house to get better. It was really bad. I can see if I can find a picture.... he tore her retina or something in her eye, and her eye was pretty much hanging out of her eye socket. I KNOW I have a pic somewhere, I just need to find it. It`s really gross. Well, he didn`t make her eye pop out, THAT happend when she sneezed not long afterwards.... whatever was torn ripped the rest of the way.

Anyhoo - all this to say..... fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice.... shame on me. If you want to let him back into your life - do it, by all means. however, give him an ultimatum. Go to a lawyers office...get them to draw aup some legal papers. If he wants you and his children in his life, he needs to get serious help if he`s serious. If he`s not serious about it, he won`t go along with it, and maybe it isn`t worth you fighting that battle. It`s not one you want to get into, and it`s not a life you want to pass on to your children.

whatever you choose..... it`s yoru decision, but make sure it`s the right one for you and your family.