Question for anyone who's dealt w/miscarriage - *may be touchy subject*

Kentuckychick wrote: My coworker is about 16 weeks pregnant and was having pain on Tuesday when we worked together. She left to go to the doctor and found out that she'd been carrying twins (which was suspected at one point but then doubted after an ultrasound 2 weeks ago) and that she'd lost one of them. The doctors have told her it is unlikely that she will be able to successfully continue the pregnancy.

She will probably be returning to work tomorrow and has asked that we (her coworkers in general) not discuss it with her and ask the parents to do the same because she's having a really difficult time right now as is expected.

My question I guess is, when the time comes and she is ready to talk about it or does need support, what is the best advice you have (ie: things that were or more importantly were NOT helpful to you). I really want to be there for her since we've become really good friends but I don't want to hurt her feelings anymore than they are already hurting.

My2Beauties replied: Honestly just be there for her, I mean just let her know it will be ok. Whatever you do though, please don't mention the fact that she can get pregnant again and have more kids, that irritated me when I had my m/c as well as I know a couple of women who either had m/c or lost their children (I had a friend whose daughter died at 6 months of age from SIDS) and she said it would hurt her soooo bad to hear people say "well you can always have more children." Nothing replaces a child that you lost, not even another child. The other child is still special to you but they cannot replace the other one, does that make sense. Just help her out, maybe run errands for her, pick up her lunch for her etc.....Question, what does the doc mean she "probably" cannot continue her pregnancy? Many people lost a twin, what's wrong with this other child?

Danalana replied: People felt inclined to tell me that it just happens...that definitely didn't help. Really, there's not a lot to say, especially if you haven't experienced it yourself. Let her know you're there for support and just respond to her cues. It's hard when you want to comfort somebody but they're not ready for it

Kentuckychick replied:
Thank you so much for the advice. I will definitely be happy to do anything she needs. She and I work together in the infant room so I know it will be difficult for her just to be there with the babies, but I think she's coming back because she feels it will also be comforting. She really loves the kids. She also has a daughter who is 2.

And as for the question... It has something to do with the way her uterus is sitting and the pain she was having Tues. I've only gotten secondhand details from our boss so I'm not too sure about that I just know that things didn't look good... but there's always hope.

Edited to add; This is not her first experience with miscarriage

My2Beauties replied:
Well I am saying a prayer that this other baby is healthy and she carries him/her full term.

ZandersMama replied: Zander was a twin, I lost his twin early in the pregnancy, I think about 8-10 weeks. It was before my first ultrasound, so I didnt know he was a twin until I lost the twin, I was in the hospital when i miscarried. I was sent for an ultrasond to make sure everything had come out and there was his precious little heartbeat.

The only thing that anyone said to me that helped was "this sucks." Hearing that it wasn't meant to be, that I could have more children, ect, really just ticked me off. It was a doctor that was in training that was with me when i miscarried, and he looked at me and said "I don't know what to say, other then this sucks. I can't give you any reason, any explanation, it just sucks." It was the most comforting thing anyone said to me, because he didnt try to make it better, he only awknowledged my pain.

Danalana replied: ^^I agree.

5littleladies replied: Ditto to what has been said. The most helpful thing you can do is acknowledge that she is going through a very hard time. Very few words are necessary and in reality, very few words are actually helpful. She just needs the comfort of your sympathy right now, not advice.

punkeemunkee'smom replied: ITA with Zander'smom! Hearing that these things happen or that you will get pregnant again-ETC is salt in the wound! Hearing that that it sucks is all that you want to hear because it makes you feel like what you are feeling is a validated emotion!

kimberley replied: i agree with the others. the cliches are the last thing she'll want to hear. i needed to talk about the baby and the horror of the loss. i also didn't want people "distracting" me from remembering the baby. a hug on my due date, naming my angels, planting a rose bush in memory of them... those were the things that helped me.

p&pt to your friend.

mckayleesmom replied: The worst thing people said to me was "It was Gods plan" or "be thankful because a miscarriage is means your body knew there was something wrong, the baby probably would have been born with severe problems"..

It might be true....but just not helpful.

jcc64 replied: I really don't have much to add. Acknowledge the profound sense of loss of her child, empathize with her pain, and take her out for drinks or a nice dinner for some good girlfriend time once and awhile. That ALWAYS helps me. As others have said, avoid the cliches- they're meant to help but rarely do.

~Roo'sMama~ replied:
One friend of mine went on and on about how common miscarriage is. I mean on AND on... she was on the phone with me for about half and hour and that's pretty much all she said. I also really hated it when people said things like "God knows what He is doing" and "everything happens for a reason." I know people mean well but it just doesn't help.

Kentuckychick replied:

Thank you everyone who responded and I'm so sorry to all of you who've had to go through this yourselves. It does suck.

I will take all of your suggestions to heart and hope that I will be able to be a small part of helping her get through this when/if she returns to work soon. We're all still praying for a miracle for the other baby and if y'all don't mind to keep her in your prayers that would be great.

Thank you again.

msoulz replied: Say nothing; just listen. She will talk when she is ready and I am sure she knows you care. Or maybe she won't talk and that's OK too. Work was a great "escape" for me during those times. What I did not want was discussion, nor did I want the sad eyes looking at me, which was also a reminder. The one coworker who knew would say something like "are you OK?", I say "yes" and that was it, we were off to work, because that kept us both from getting upset. KWIM?

What gave me peace with the subject was knowing I did nothing to cause it and there was something very wrong and it was better for the child to go now than later. It still sucked for sure and as I sit here it has been years but I still get teary and that is why I still don't want to discuss it at work!

You ARE a great friend for caring enough to want to do what is best for her.

jem0622 replied: I have lost a twin and delivered the survivor at term...so I cannot even say why they would tell her she won't carry the survivor to term.

She has to remind herself daily that she is 'pregnant today'. I suffered a loss at 14.5 wks and didn't know it until I made it to 16 wks. It was devestating. I lost my twin in another pregnancy earlier in gestation.

There is a lot the docs can do to monitor her and, if necessary, deliver the survivor early to achieve the best outcome.

IIWM, I would ask her to seek the help of a Maternal Fetal Medicine doc (if she didn't already have one) and a new OB to carefully monitor her pregnancy. She has that right.

HUGS and P&PT