Q's about kids and sports - Might get long

luvmykids wrote: We're having a little struggle in the house with Colt and wrestling. DH came home from practice tonight very frustrated and saying Colt should just quit. I got both sides of the story and don't really know what to do. Colt said he was tired (which he was), DH said he wasn't acting tired when it was the things he likes to do in practice, only when it was the stuff he doesn't like.

Here's where I'm torn...we've been telling Colt the main goal is to have fun. And I stand by it. BUT at the same time, we're also trying to teach him that when you commit to something, you give it your best. There have been times we've both caught ourselves ragging on him to try harder and caught ourselves, b/c maybe he is doing his best, kwim? And b/c we keep saying the main thing is to have fun.

I think DH is afraid that Colt doesn't have the "heart" it takes to excel. I'm not sure that you're born with it, although I know some are, but I do think that you can develop it if you find something that inspires it in you. Maybe wrestling isn't it for Colt, maybe he's just too young to recognize it or care if he has it or doesn't.

Colt, for the most part, is loving it. He does drag sometimes, but come on, he's five and practice is three nights a week for two hours a session, I'm tired just driving him there and back And if the point is to have fun, which I do think is important, so what if he's not gung ho every second? He's five, he has a short attention span. DH, however, says when he was five, anything athletic gripped him and he wasn't satisfied if he wasn't the best.

So, where or when do you draw the line? Of course I want him to find the things he loves and is good at, but at this age I also want him to have fun trying, not have it be this big pressure. My feeling is, if he doesn't love it, we finish the season and do something different. DH feels like if he doesn't give 100% in spite of it maybe not being "his thing" it means it's pointless and Colt just doesn't have heart.

There is only one other five year old, and he seems to pay a little more attention and at times try a little harder, but he does the same things Colt does (like say he has a tummy ache when it's time to do push ups, or just roll over sometimes when someone takes him down).

I talked to Colt, who doesn't want to quit, and tried to explain that yes, the point is to have fun, but when you're at practice it's time to work and it's not fair to the coaches or the other kids if he isn't going to be serious and listen. But even that seems a little heavy to me. I don't know if DH is being too hard or I'm being too soft or if we're both waaaaay off base.

Any insight greatly appreciated

Anthony275 replied: well wrestling is a hard sport, i quit it because i couldnt keep up with watching my weight (which is a whole different story) but it takes commitment- 5 is a little too young for those practices, maybe you could put it off until 6? you're not quitting, you're just postponing it

luvmykids replied: I guess my question on that end of it is this: Is it such a big deal if he's just having fun and not serious about it? I'm pretty laid back, if he seems too tired on a certain day, we don't go. Not to the point that we only show up once in awhile, but I don't think we're by any means overdoing it, kwim? And he's having a blast, except for the times DH (and once in awhile I) push a little too much.

I know some kids really hit the ground running....they're competitive, serious, and their head is in it. But aren't there some kids that just have fun and then one day realize, I want to be good and will work for it, or realize hey, this isn't for me, I want to try something else?

I hope I don't sound like I'm trying to justify keeping him in it, I'm not, I just don't know if DH is right, and we're teaching him the opposite of committment and working hard, or if I'm on the right track and there's no harm in doing it purely for fun. Especially since last weekend, he had a tournament and placed third and is soooo proud of himself, I don't want to take something away that makes him feel good just because it's not meeting our expectations, kwim?

These are the times I really HATE being so analytical....maybe it's really no biggie one way or the other and I'm agonizing over it for no reason

boyohboyohboy replied: we went thru this same thing when caleb started soccer, although it was me that was like, he isnt doing the stuff he should be doing, just goofing off.
and after a while i realized that almost all the kids this age were.
i think that having fun is the main goal at this point, and just getting them used to a sport and the idea of a team. i dont think a 5 yr old can comprehend the idea of hard work, and doing what needs to be done at a practice..they just see kids in a group together...and boys are usually not that focused..
we are going to be harder on him in the future, but we kinda just let this yr slip by. we did talk to him frequently about not disrupting the other kids who want to learn and listen, and that we did expect him to try to do what he was supposed to and even threatened to make him quit if he didnt try..we were not going to pay for hiim to just have a playdate, he needed to listen to his coach, and he did towards the end..
it was more of a sport to him once he learned what it was he was to do, and then the competition side took over and he wanted to do what he was supposed to so he could be the best...
then he later said he messed around because he wasnt good at soccer, and we did notice once he learned to make goals he took a greater interest...
maybe to wrestling might not be his thing...
i think it just takes time

mom21kid2dogs replied: To answer the end of your question in short, Monica, yes, I think it's perfectly fine to have a child in an activity at this age where the goal is to purely have fun. I'm pleased and suprised that given the time frame and intensity level of the sport he's chosen that he really still likes it and wants to continue. Really, what one of us gives 100% of our energy, time and focus to any singular activity at any time, no matter how much we may love it, have passion for it, or are gifted in it?

luvbug00 replied: wow those practices are insane! but I think you should stick to your guns about the commitment to a sport idea. Mya had days where she hated soccer and we made her go anyway because she was a part of a team and it was her team that would be let down, not only her. so she went. Sports should be about fun, to develop a love for the game. I hope that helped on some level because i got lost in what i was saying

grapfruit replied: I think that it's more important for him to learn to stick it out until the end than it is for him to buckle down and try harder.

Meg was in soccer last year and she was 7 and most of the kids we standing out there twirling their hair and stuff.

I say give him time. Make sure he realizes that when he gives it his all and knows that he's done all he can, that it will be more fun. But I agree w/you. Fun is what counts at this age. It's not for "keeps" so who cares?

Boo&BugsMom replied: Monica, I think at this age with a lot of kids it's hard to get them to understand the competetive side of it. So, what looks to us like not trying, is really them just not needing the satisfaction of winning right now. I think as they grow older they start to appreciate the whole game of it all, the winning/losing. I think it's perfectly fine to be in it purely for the fun of it, but I understand where you are coming from...you don't want him to just sloth it off, afterall you are putting in the effort in taking him to practices and such. Like you, I think it's fine and perfectly acceptable to tell them as long as they have fun that is all that matters, but I do think it's important to tell them if you want to continue to do the sport you have to at least try to the best of your ability. Usually we can tell if they are truly trying, or if they are just goofing off. Not winning is one thing when you are actually trying, but just being plain lazy and not caring about it is another. Maybe you can explain to him that it is disrespectful to the coach if he isn't actually trying his best, since the coach is putting in a lot of effort in teaching the kids the proper way to wrestle. Could you find something that has less of a time commitement? Perhaps that would help, if he is just really tired from it being so often. I would have to agree, at 5 years old, 3 times a week is a lot. If he was really into it, that'd be one thing, but if he's not really into it that much perhaps he isn't ready for something that has such a huge commitement value.

luvmykids replied: Thanks for all the input

I think DH is freaking out b/c from birth practically, he was freakishly athletic and obsessively competitive (and still is) so he can't grasp that not everyone, and certainly not HIS son, isn't the same

DH and I talked about it a little, and had a joint talk with Colt, I wish DH had overheard some of the conversations I've had with moms of the older boys who said theirs were the exact same way until the switch came on that they wanted to win and it clicked that the way to do that was work hard in practice.

I think we've settled on only going two nights a week, and keeping our mouths shut...the coaches gave a great pep talk (that DH missed) where they said You be the cheerleaders, we'll handle the coaching and correct as we feel necessary in practice. If the coaches aren't telling him to hustle and get on the ball, we shouldn't either. We'll see how it goes.

Boo&BugsMom replied:
That sounds like a wonderful solution!

jcc64 replied: You know we're a big sports family, Monica. Both dh and I have coached continuously since our oldest was Colt's age- and he's now 15. My "specialty" is kids that age- everyone wants their kids on my teams. The primary goal is to have fun in a structured environment. That is, to have a great time while simultaneously learning how to be a good sport, a considerate teammate, and an attentive listener. That's all easier said than done with 5 yr olds, boys in particular. Regardless of the sport, there is a limit to what can be accomplished or expected with kids that young. The competitive edge that your dh is looking for in your son- I truly don't think that's something that can be taught, it's a personality thing. Some kids are naturally more aggressive and competitive, and that absolutely does not mean that they will be the most successful athletes later on. Some of them can convert it to an advantage, but sometimes, those kids are the worst teammates b/c they can't tolerate losing or substandard performances from the other kids.
My oldest is a VERY accomplished baseball player- a lefty pitcher who made the high school team in 8th grade. He's got the highest offensive stats on his all-star team, which draws kids from a 100 mile radius. So, you get the picture- he's done alot. When he was Colt's age, he would be the kid on the soccer field who would run the other way when the ball came anywhere near him. He just wasn't an aggressive kid- I don't think he liked the swarm of kids or chaos. I too worried that he didn't have the "eye of the tiger", kwim? And in a way, he still doesn't. He's a cool cucumber- he doesn't lose his head in a high pressure situation- he's got really good discipline, and that's just as much of an asset as being hyper-competitive. So, at first glance those aggressive kids look impressive, but that's not the only way to the top- if the top is even where it's important to be.
I'd say the quickest way to turn a kid off of sports is to exert too much pressure. Let it be light and fun and low key. I do think you're right to talk to him about commitment and hard work, and I probably wouldn't let him bail in the middle of the season unless he was really miserable. I'd probably be ok with letting him skip practice here and there as well. But once he's there, as the coach said, back off and let him do his thing. Keep all of your comments positive- and don't make TOO big a deal of his successes- b/c then he might feel like it's too important to you. Let it be HIS thing.
Good luck!

gr33n3y3z replied: I agree with Jeanne
Make sure he finnishes his season

CantWait replied: Ron and I have been through this very thing with Anthony and soccer this last year.

Does colt start to drag near the end, or is just anytime? Two hours does seem like quite a bit to me for a 5 year old.

Anthony would get tired of soccer half way through, so I figured he was just tired. Although he does fine at gymnastics when it was for an hour, not so much during the 3 hour sessions, and I don't think he really was into soccer as much as Ron wanted him to be.

I do agree with you though, it is to have fun, but at the same time I'm also a firm believer that if you're going to participate in something, then you need to participate full on to the best of your ability.

Robbie really struggled with this over the summer and deciding whether or not to go back to cadets. I let him know if he was't going to try his hardest and strive for promotions then really there was no point in going back because that's a big part of cadets is working for promotions, striving to be your best, and become a leader.

Maybe let him finish off the season and try again in another year.

luvmykids replied:
Just when they do things he doesn't like...like push ups He'll do sit ups all night, but push ups start and his tummy hurts. He loves when they practice take downs, but when it's time to learn a new move and they're not supposed to resist when the other kid is practicing on them, he gets bored and says he's tired.

We are going to finish the season, and he definitely wants to, it's DH who doesn't see the point