Please help!!!!!!! - I am losing my patience

Farelle wrote: I don't know what to do with my 3-year old. Everything I say is answered with a NO! I can't stand it anymore. And nothing and I mean NOTHING seems to be getting through to him. I have to tell him 500 times a day not to TELL me what he wants but to ASK me and he just keeps on with the "give me this" and "I want that" I know parenting isn't easy.....but please tell me that at some point some of what I am trying to teach him will finally sink in? I worry that if he feels he's in control now that as he gets older it will only get worse and with more important issues than asking for juice........

Miranda1127 replied: a few things i do with my stubborn one are.
1. I need- instead of commands use i need you to, it gives them a sense of value
2. ignore- just don't respond to the give me's. only respond when he asks properly. at first you are going to explain that you will not give him what he wants until he asks properly (than explain what you want from him)
and your right nip it in the budd before it gets to be a habit/permanent behavior.

Hth
Good luck

Calimama replied: I don't have any advice just wanted to say good luck.

StephanieM replied: I have to agree with Miranda...try ignoring him until he can ask you the correct way. It's gonna be tough, but stick to your guns. Don't give in. Explain to him first how you expect him to ask for things, then if he doesn't ask that way, ignore him. It will probably be very tough but don't give in or he'll keep doing it. Good luck.

moped replied: Something I have tried to keep in mind is the way I phrase things, I find myself saying "DO you want to get in your chair for dinner?" Do you want to have a bath? That is wrong and I catch myself doing it all the time - don't give him an option......rephrase things like "Time for bath or get in your chair for dinner pleas.....I don't know if this the case with or not but it helps if I think before I talk.

Jack does the "I need" thing all the time - it is hilarious now!

DansMom replied: These are the years when they persist with testing whether you mean what you say or whether they will get some slack on the little things. I find myself constantly saying "not until you ask nicely". It does sink in, it does get better, but it does require constant repetition and absolute consistency.

With defiance and "No" answers to doing what you've told them... that's a toughie. Sometimes, like others have suggested here, you have to backtrack and frame it not as a question, and have a consequence, watching your own tone and presentation. After making sure it's something they understand, that they've heard you, and that they are capable of doing whatever it is, don't act angry or raise your voice, but be matter of fact, and have a consequence that's equal to the misbehavior, a natural consequence if possible. If you keep throwing your fork off the table, you can't eat with us at the table. If they ramp up the protest, they get time out. They can't come out of time out until they understand what's expected next time. Good luck---it's not easy, I know.

Farelle replied: Thanks!!! I know it's all about a power struggle, but I just feel that I am on the losing end all the time. Just this morning was a nightmare to get him to first be quiet bc his little brother was still sleeping....I said let's go downstairs and play quietly to which he loudly responded NO I WANT TO WAKE HIM UP.....then it was a struggle to get him dressed after breaksfast. I was going to take him to a local farm but there was such fussing that I gave up.....it took me the better part ot he morning to finally get him dressed...then he didn't want to go out, then he didn't want to come in......this is my life, day after day after day....it's wearing me down. I am trying so hard to be consistent!! and not to yell, which I feel that I do more than I should. He said I scared him yesterday and when he finally drove me to tears, gave me a big hug and told me not to be sad to be happy, which made me cry more

Sometimes I find the only thing that works is to threaten him....like, you can't have this if you don't do that. I hate to have to do that all the time. Is that the norm for a 3 year old? I feel like I'm going crazy sometimes.........

He's such a good boy when he's not being fresh. He even knows he's being fresh bc he'll say it!! How, HOW can I learn to ignore it?!?!?

Ok, thanks for listening. This site is great!!!

DansMom replied: I hope it helps to say that his behavior is totally normal---frustrating as it is. It all sounds hauntingly familiar, those scenarios---especially not getting dressed and it being a huge power struggle just to leave the house. We've really been there, and that age (3 years old) was when it was the worst. I also had major battles getting Daniel into his car seat for a while. And I got tired of hearing my own voice nagging, prodding, scolding all day long. And he'd throw fits leaving places, whether it was the library, the toy store, a friend's house---no matter how much advance warning and preparation I went through. A book that helped me in particular is "How to Talk to Kids so They'll Listen and Listen so They'll Talk". It didn't magically solve everything, but it helped me feel patient to look at some new things to try. Hang in there!

Farelle replied: Thanks!! It helps to hear that it is normal and that someone else has gone though the same thing. I'll look into the book. At this point I'm willing to try anything.

jem0622 replied: HUGS. This parenting gig ain't easy. Hold your ground, and give both of you a time out if you are losing your cool. They feed off of that frustration. I certainly know it with this housefull! Also, be consistent with discipline. When you say that they will go to time out, or lose a priviledge, then follow through. Otherwise, they won't take you seriously.

Miranda1127 replied: something i just remembered (it may work with the no's). Choices....these are great. you can eat your dinner or you can go to bed which would you like to do. gives them a sense of control over their actions and helps teach responsibility, and you still get to keep the ball in your court

Farelle replied: Thanks!!!! It's such a twisted game that we have to play with them isn't it? And my 3-year old is outwitting me!!!

Miranda1127 replied:
lol. sometimes they are just to smart