Picking him up when he cries... - ...can babies be "spoiled" at 1 month?

Lynda836 wrote: When we went to prenatal class, the nurse told us feel free to pick up and comfort our baby any time he cries...that young babies can't be spoiled by picking them up when they cry. I've read this in several recent child care articles too. But in reality...is this true?

Initially we were picking him up every time he got really upset to comfort him, but it has been getting to the point he would put up a fuss any time we tried to put him in his crib or put him down anywhere. I'd end up basically with him sleeping on my chest as I watched TV a good part of the day...not getting anything done...not even be able to nap myself.

So lately, when Ethan gets upset...and he's been fed, his diaper's been changed, and he's not looking to play...and he's just being a fuss pot, we've started putting him in his bouncy chair or crib and just letting him cry himself out. I've been feeling bad about it. I feel like I'm ignoring him because I'm usually sitting a few feet away as he's crying his little heart out .

Can a 1 month old learn this early that "if I cry mom will pick me up"?

MomToMany replied: My opinion is that a baby that young CAN'T be spoiled, and NEEDS to be comforted. So I would pick him up & cuddle him to pieces. Babies need to feel attached to a parent; they need to feel they can trust a parent to take care of them.

This is a hot topic, and lots have opinions about this. I don't want to start a debate, but I just offered MY opinion .

MissyKay2005 replied: I have to agree with Mom to many. You Can Not spoile an infant. I have heard that also about 3 to 4 months is the time when you want to let them learn to seatle them selves a bit. Not leaving them cry forever but just a little. Babies this young do not know how to comfert them selves yet and need you more. In time it will all work out for you I am sure. But now your baby needs you. Good luck!

Stacie30 replied: i don't think you can spoil them at that age either. I have a 6 week old and I agree with you that he knows he would rather be held than not. However, one of their needs is to be held and cuddled. It is a need just like feeding, burping, and changing. Go ahead and pick the little guy up and cuddle him. you aren't spoiling him. besides, before you know it he'll be 11 and not wanting you to hug him at all (I have an 11 year old so I know about this) so enjoy it while you can. go ahead and leave the housework and let your hubby deal with it later!!

~KARA~ replied: My son is 2 months old and Id have to say he is SPOILED! if he is crying and I go to his swing to pick him up, the minute I step in front of him he stops! I step away from the swing and he starts crying again.
I dont mind if he is spoiled he's the only boy!

3_call_me_mama replied: I wuldn't say that they are spoiled or that they can be spoiled at that age. When they stop crying when you arrive in front of them adn pick them up it is showing them that you have met their need and therefore they can stop crying. I have a really hard time believing that anychild under the age of 18 months can really be spoiled when it comes to this type stuff. Babies dont' have words to tell us how they feel all they can do is cry to let us know if they need something, by meeting that needyou are not raising a spoiled child, you are simply reassuring what they are born knowing: that they cry, we come to help, wether it be hunger, anger, sleep or whatever they need they expect us to come when they cry adn that is how they learn to love, trust adn depend on us. A baby who's needs are not met will stop crying eventually, but will also become detached from teh paretns adn go into survival mode and not develop normal. There have been tons of studies on this so it is best (IMO and several professionals) that you pick up that crying infant and hug him adn cuddle him adn be near him. It'll make his heart, mind and body grow:)

A&A'smommy replied: NO don't believe that crap babies canNOT be spoiled especially at that age they NEED to be held that is how they feel safe and that is how they bond with their parents!!

kimberley replied:
:agree: think of it this way... that baby spent 40 weeks snuggled warm inside your body, comforted by your heartbeat, voice and gentle rubs. then it was born into a bright, loud, scary world and feels alone, cold and frightened. of course, they would want comfort

jcc64 replied: I implore you to pick up your child whenever he cries. Physical closeness and touch are essential elements for neurological development of infants. There are many, many studies to support this. Babies this young are not sophisticated enough to manipulate you, and won't be for some time to come. The only thing a 1 month old baby will learn by being picked up is that he is safe and loved. Eventually, that security will become the bedrock upon which he can develop other aspects of himself. Without it, there's no foundation.
Please pick your baby up when he cries. You won't regret it later, I promise.

ammommy replied: Everybody else. Comfort and cuddle now. The time to wean from the cuddling will come quickly. Let the housework go, it will be there when you have time to get to it.
Now, that doesn't mean that you shouldn't use the bouncy or a baby carrier. If they work, great. If not, pick up that little bundle and cuddle away.

moped replied: You cannot spoil them at that age at all - LOVE THEM LIKE CRAZY

CantWait replied: 1 month is still so young and so tiny. No way can you spoil them at that age. Pick him up and enjoy your time with him. It flies by way to quickly.

MyBrownEyedBoy replied: I don't think you can spoil an infant by picking them up. If you need to get more done, have you tried wearing him in a sling? I used mine all the time when Logan was littler. Now he entertains himself a lot of the time and I miss the snuggly time. Enjoy the cuddles now, while they last.

angelhair replied: one month old is way to young to spoil. just remember the housework ect.. can wait. soon enough they will grow and you have to ask for hugs! treasure every snuglle and cuddle with your little one it builds up a bond that you both will treasure for the rest of your lives! it is hard at first. I know it can be frusterating and overwhelming to feel like you cannot do everything, but when they start to smie, look at you and make sounds it is all worth it. the first two to three months are the hardest and then it gets easier. love dee

huggybugboy replied: Just to be a little different...
I do use the cry it out method to an extent. Key words: "to an extent." I only let him cry for a little while before I will be back in there comforting him. And I never let him go full out screaming. Miles is kind of a weird cookie though...Sometimes even if I go in and try to comfort him, he does NOT want to be cuddled. He often times would rather just lay in his bed and fuss until he falls asleep, later to wake up perfectly happy. However, I didn't start this until he was at least 3 months old. Sometimes, early on when he was really fussy & screaming, I would leave him safe in his crib or bassinet just so I could get away & breathe, regain my sanity (I had a little bit of post partum). I didnt do it because I didn't want to spoil him. It is true, at this young age, babies need to be nurtured, they are learning to trust you. If you don't satisfy all of their needs (including emotional needs), they learn to distrust you (mistrust?). Anyway...Good luck to you.

MyLuvBugs replied:
I totally agree with getting a sling or baby bejorn harness. They worked wonders for me. Also, try gently pealing the baby off of you and putting him in a swing to nap. That was my life saver with Lorelei. She'd nap for hours in hers, and the rocking motion was calming to her.

As for the spoiling issue. hmmmm....that's definately up for debate. I don't think you can necessarily spoil them that young, but I know it hard when you need to get stuff done and all the kid will do is cry.

But you have to look at it this way, babies crave mommy and daddy b/c you two are the only two people this kid knows. You both are a source of comfort as well as information for him. He's learning from you, is comfortable around you, and that's all he knows. It's not necessarily that he wants you to hold him 24/7 but he's a little scared that the only two people he knows might not come back. Also, their eyesight is crappy at 1 month, so if you're out of blurred sight, he might freak out about that also.

Try the sling or a carrier to move around the house and get your work done. And try the swing to get some rest yourself. It'll get better. Ya know he won't be 16 and still be wanting mommy to hold him all day. At least we all hope not.

Shamarra replied: I think that any child at any age can be spoiled. But it really depends on what you do. And i also dont think that you should pick your child up every single time they cry. maybe just keep your baby close so you can keep an eye on him, just to see whether he's generally upset or just fussing.
If you pick your child up all the time, they will learn that you come to them when they cry even when they dont need or want anything. And i know it can be hard to just let them cry, but sometimes that's what u need to do.
xoxo
Shamarra

massagemommy replied:
In fact that is the BEST thing a baby could learn. They have no other way to communicate with us.

Feeling bad because he's crying just a few feet away from you is nature's way of making you WANT to pick him up to comfort him. It's OK and you're doing the right thing.

It's not at all unusual for young babies not to want to be put down. Lots of them want to be held ALL the time, and this is natural & normal. Babies don't know that we "have to get things done" and they're too young for this to be their problem. I totally sympathize, because I could barely put my son down from basically 1 month to 5 months (plus he hated slings & carriers), but it does slow down eventually.

As far as the above post about trying to determine whether the child is "upset or just generally fussing" and learning that you will come "even when they don't want or need anything" -- well, come on. Just because a baby can't tell us in English what they need doesn't mean they have no needs beyond eat, sleep, dry dipe, burp. Who knows what that little one is asking for, and if picking a baby up stops the crying obviously we've met the unspoken need. If picking them up doesn't stop the crying -- well, how would we like it if we were left alone to cry and cry and cry? You're doing the right thing, and really, the day will come when you can put the baby down.

MyLuvBugs replied:
Great advice!! I completely agree.

jcc64 replied:

I'm sorry, but I really have to disagree with this. In this context, you are suggesting that a 1 month old baby is capable of fairly sophisticated reasoning and thought and then uses that to manipulate his environment. It's simply not true. Tiny babies understand only their needs, whether we are capable of interpreting them at any given moment is another story. Older children are obviously another story altogether, but a 1 month old is not neurlogically capable of manipulation. It's not a theory or an opinion-it's a biological fact. To deny this is to be dogmatic, which is certainly your right, but it's inaccurate.

Stacie30 replied: i agree with Jeanne. they just aren't capable of manipulation at that age. i mean- they don't even have control of their arms and legs yet- how could they be spoiled? go with your instincts. that is why you have them. i know it kills me to let Conner fuss so he spends a great deal of time in my lap. especially right now. he is going through a growth spurt and is needing to eat or be comforted almost constantly.

btw- what's wrong with spoiling them anyway? LOL that's pretty much my goal. this is my last baby and I'm going to enjoy every minute of it.

MomToMany replied:
Thanks Jeanne! You always nail it on the head!

Lynda836 replied: Thanks everyone for their input...I didn't realize it was such a hot topic:). I do agree that babies cry for a reason, and I always go through the all the possibilities first. But there are times when he's inconsolable,and holding him and comforting him doesn't help and I've come to notice signs that he seems that he's tired. That's when I either put him in his bouncy chair or, if he's really flailing, swaddle him snugly and put him in his crib and let him cry it out. If he actually is tired, he 's usually out like a light within 15-20 minutes. If not we start the process over again. It's just hard sometimes to hear him cry.

six_kids_at_28 replied: No..a 1 month old CANT be spoiled..even if they are changed and fed or whatever..still pick them up and hold them

Magenta replied: Add me to the list that yes, they CAN be spoiled and yes, I have heard many doctors say that they can manipulate their environment.

It is my belief to teach them self soothing from the start. I am not saying never pick them up or cuddle them. But they will realize that crying will get you at their feet if you let them.

If all needs are met, and they are just crying to be held, let them cry for about 5 minutes or so, then if they are still crying, go ahead and pick them up, settle them down, then once they are settled, set them back down again.

Joey is a very healthy, happy baby. He is not emotionally damaged in any way because I wouldn't pick him up when he wanted me too. And at 3 months, he knows that the daycare girls will pick him up everytime he cries because they tell me he fusses a lot sometimes and think that I must hold him a lot. I told them that usually, once I get home, he goes into a swing or bouncer seat and I will hold him later, like closer to his bedtime. So he knows that I won't come every time he cries and the daycare ladies will.

My3LilMonkeys replied: I have a mixed opinion. I do not think a baby this young can be spoiled or is capable of manipulation. There is nothing wrong with picking up your baby and holding them every time they cry. Love and cuddling is what they need at this age.

On the other hand, I do not think that letting them cry for a few minutes (5 has always been my limit) will harm them either. I am talking about just crying, not screaming. Madison would often start crying and by the time I finished what I was doing and got to her (1-2 min.) she would have stopped already. So I have done the 5 min. wait with her since she was about 2 wks old and it has worked great for us.

JMO!