Parents in our Marriage - Need Advice - kinda long**SORRY**

MyLuvBugs wrote: So, DH and I have been talking, and he tells me that he feels like he's being pulled in a million different directions, and that his dad always belittles him, and that he's starting to feel like he never gets to make any decisions on his own b/c according to everyone around him his decisions are crap......OK so that made me cry....A LOT!

So, we've been talking and talking and talking Trying to get back in touch with US. KWIM? And to make some decisions regarding our move and the like. And I think we've both realized that there is more than the two of us in our marriage. It seems like all of our parents are TOO involved in our marriage, and they're trying to make decisions for us. KWIM? Does anyone else have this problem? How do you handle it? Cause I'm litterally to the point where I just want to tell them all to mind their own bee's wax and if we want their opinions then we'll ask for them. KWIM?

We're both just feeling beat down. We're both tired of the "advice" and tired of being criticized in everything that we do regarding our family. DH is feeling belittled by his dad. I'm being made to feel like I'm a crappy wife and mother by my folks. And we both feel like dancing puppets with regards to his mother (the MIL) b/c she gives us so much money.

With my parents I know how to handle it somewhat....we yell and scream and fight it out and then it's done.....for awhile anyways. But I can at least flat out tell them "SHUT UP and LEAVE ME ALONE!" With DH's family it's a bit harder b/c I try to be nice to the MIL b/c of the money issue. And then there's DH that has NEVER stood up for himself to them in his LIFE. He just sits there and lets them both push him around.... UGH! I don't know how to get him to stand up to them, but I know I personally am going to loose my temper with them all very soon. But is that really going to solve anything??? Probably not.

I need some unbiased advice on this. How do I get our parents OUT of our marriage without hurting feelings and burning bridges and stuff?

gr33n3y3z replied: If you dont want them involved then dont tell them anything
I mean you dont want to yell at his family bc of the money issues but if you want the money then they are involved.
I hate to say this but you cant have it both ways
Either you cut the ties to the money or you keep them in your business I see it no other way.

As for the way they talk to your DH thats sad and shouldnt be that way insted of them downing him maybe they should be helping him with encouraging words.
Do you like your DH the way he is? Then thats all that matters


Keep us posted hun

skinkybaby replied: I agree.
We used to have this problem with my inlaws. There was a couple of times where we needed some help monetarily and it came with all sorts of drama and input. We decided that it just wasn't worth it. We no longer borrow any money from them and we limit how much we tell them when we have something going on. We make sure and always point out the good stuff going on in our lives.
If you don't want their input don't take their money. It's hard sometimes, especially when you're in the pickle, but the two of you need to decide if tis worth the drama.

Hillbilly Housewife replied: My MIL is the queen of idiots.

"Toxic In-Laws" by Susan Forward.

Excellent book.

MyLuvBugs replied: yeah....you're both totally right. We can't have it both ways. And Believe me, we are so sick and tired of taking their money. But it's not that we want to take their money, but that we need it. Does that make sense?

And DH and I are so frustrated with ourselves b/c it seems like we can't support ourselves as a family without his moms money. We just keep hoping that these new jobs of Dh's will provide us enough income that we don't have to take her money anymore and they can all just butt the H*** out.

I have told DH that we need to not tell our parents what we're thinking, and just tell them Good stuff or stuff that we've already finalized decisions on. That's just hard to do sometimes when you are constantly running things around in your head trying to make a decision. Sometimes things just pop out. Then the can of worms is open and all the opinions start pouring in. UGH

sparkys2boys replied: I think that you guys need to tell them that you are grown adults and that you will make your own decisions and if they are wrong.. then it is a learning lesson. As for the bad talk to your husband he needs to tell them to respect him as an adult not as a child(not that any child should EVER be spoke to in that manner). I think that if you just start ignoring there advice and doing what you want and not taking the advice sooner or later they may get the hint. Good luck with it all and in the end don't let them get the beeter of you guys!!!

TANNER'S MOM replied: Well I think it's hard to be adults when you involve your parents. Even when we are grown, our parents still parent us . We become 15 again the minute they find out we have a problem. It's natural for them to want to parent us and it's natural for us to want to tell them our problems. But I think if we don't want them in our business then we have to refrain from depending on them. I mean you have to work toward being dependent in life and it will save your marriage. Take little steps toward independence, and keep things that belong in your marriage in your marriage.

My father gave me advice years ago that I took too heart. He said if you are mad at Randy don't tell me unless it's serious, because you will forgive him but I won't because you are my baby. If you have a problem I will solve it, if you don't want me to solve it then don't tell me.

In laws are hard business but you have to make your own way too!!

luvmykids replied:
I agree The only way we dealt with keeping people out was not letting them in, kwim? It's tough, when things are hard you want to get your parents wisdom and advice but then they worry and want to fix it.

I think you guys need to make the choice that you will figure things out and only tell parents what they really need to know.

Our Lil' Family replied:
This is great advice that I use as well. What happens in my marriage stays in my marriage with the exception of a couple friends that I turn to and I truly mean a couple...2 at the most! I firmly believe that once I took vows I vowed to "leave and cleave" meaning leave my parents and cleave to my husband.

We also depend on our families financially right now because DH is in Grad School, but they do NOT get any opinion on any decision we make regarding that money. Just like a bank wouldn't get an opinion on how we spend the money we borrow from them, sure we have to tell the bank, it's for a car or a boat or house, but they do not stipulate what kind of car or what kind of boat....KWIM? I think you need to have a talk with your MIL and explain that to her, she should not get a say in the decisions that affect your family just because she's helping you out.

CantWait replied:
I totally agree.

Is there anyway you can cut down on things so you don't have to ask for money from his mom?

MyLuvBugs replied:
I wish! But really the only things that she pays for are the two car loans, DH's Student loan, and the Car insurance. And that's it. We take care of all Credit cards, rent, groceries, gas, elect. bill, etc....We've already cut back on SOOOO much. I'm at a loss as to what else needs to go. Unless we want to cut the electricity and use candles. HA! actually the biggest prob is our spending.

I've actually been watching this show on A&E about how to get out of debt and stuff. We're trying to use our quicken account to help, and we're starting a journal to keep better track of all our expenses just to help keep track of our money better. But until recently the only income we had really was Dh's walmart check, which was about $900/month. Considering rent is $750 here....it was really tight!

coasterqueen replied: Well I know when the same situation was happening in our marriage, the main reason was because we were young but the second reason was because WE made everything we did known to our parents. Once you stop telling them everything that is going on, they tend to shut up.

So if you both are talking to the parents, telling them things you are doing, even talking but not really asking for advice, you are going to get it.

Even after almost 10 years of marriage and almost 15 years together with Ryan we do not tell our parents everything we do, they don't need to know.

ETA as long as you depend on them for money they are ALWAYS going to feel like they should have a say. And as a parent myself I can see where I would feel the desire to say things to my kids when I might not feel they are spending their money wisely. So you really can't blame them. Just think about being in their shoes some day with your chlidren Also your Dh doesn't sound confident and could it be because of borrowing money.

I know we had to borrow money once from my parents when we were badly in debt and it was so embarassing to tell my parents that we had debt on credit cards and my father sat down and laid it all out there as to how stupidly we spent our money and how we should cut back. At the time (early 20's and no kids )we thought we were living like hermits already because we had no money, but they clearly showed us ways we were blowing money and as much as it hurt to hear those things, they were right.

My3LilMonkeys replied: Very little "new" advice here - I agree, just don't tell them things (if you can avoid it). I know in DH's family you can't tell anyone anything without it getting around to the whole family, so if either of you have brothers/sisters/close family friends you might want to keep quiet around them too.

Good luck.

MyLuvBugs replied:
Yeah. I see what you're saying. I really think that we both are so frustrated with ourselves and so beat down over all that's happened this last year that both of us feel like failures and are having self-esteem issues right now. So his confidence level is quite low. And borrowing the money each and every month isn't helping the issue.

But his issues with his parents also stem from his childhood. He actually told me the other day that when he was in the 5th grade he flat out asked his dad why he wouldn't let him make any mistakes or decisions, and his dad told him "b/c I've already BTDT and you don't need to." Well, how the heck is he to learn then if he's not allowed to make mistakes or decisions on his own? And his dad is still treating him like that. Every decision DH does make his dad just criticizes him and makes him feel like it was the wrong decision ...even if it was the right one. KWIM?

I know we have spending issues. DH likes really nice computer stuff and I like really nice camera stuff. Dh actually said this morning that he really just nickels and dimes himself into debt by saying "Oh it's only $20." or "Oh it's only $19.50..." But that all adds up. So we're both working on getting better at controlling that. Giving ourselves allowances each month and keeping a journal/better track of expenses.

We have decided that our goal is to be free and clear of his mom by next September if not sooner. And to hopefully buy our own home next fall, but only if we can pay off 2 credit cards by then. So, it's a start. But in the meantime....the MIL will be helping.
Hopefully, we can start to rely more on each others advice and opinions though, and start to become more of a couple instead of a group.

mom2my2cuties replied: When you guys get to Pheonix will you be near his family? Or your own?

I know how it can be when family has too much input. I went through that with my first husband, and even recently because he wont stand up and tell his dad to butt out. And it's torture when you feel like you can't live your own lives.


So mostly, I just wanted to give you

C&K*s Mommie replied: I have no advice, I think you have heard alot of good advice and know what to do from here. But I wanted to offer

holley79 replied: I'm sorry I'm no good with this kind of thing other then just to tell them what for. Just want to really offer up some though.