Parenting Styles

MommyToAshley wrote: And, if you differ, how do you deal with it?

MommyToAshley replied: DH and I are similar but we do differ on a few issues. I think he is stricter and more of a disciplinarian figure than I am. We try to talk about what issues we want to be strict on and which ones we can be a little more relaxed on, so that we are always on the same page. But, there are times when things come up that we haven't discussed and I can't help but to think I would have handled it differently. And, I am sure he thinks the same with me.

(If I had done this pole when Ashley was younger, I would have to say that we would have differed more, especially when it came to sleep issues.)

Boys r us replied: DH and I differ on somethings.

I believe in letting kids be kids...and not being so strict on them. That is how I was raised, very laid back. But Rick was raised military style....with every little things being dramatized over. I hate that and REFUSE to raise my kdis like that.
I mean if I tell Tanner to put his shoes in his room..and he says,"let me finish this game first" It'S NOT THE END OF THE WORLD..so long as he does so within the next 15 minutes or so, we have no problem. But Rick..I guess it's his upbringing shining through, he thinks when he says something the kids better do it right then.
and the reason he thinks this is because that's the way it was in his house growing up and he assumes it to be disrespectful if they don't..
Me..I'm just like..CHILL OUT....

So yes..we differ in that I do not believe in raising my kids in a military style house..while he subconsciously does. But when I get that look..like shut up already Rick..he'll usually well..shut up already.

One other area we disagree on is spanking..IT WILL BE OVER MY DEAD BODY BEFORE ANYONE LAYS A HAND ON MY KIDS..ANYONE...

I've had to teach Rick that kids respond better to other forms of correction and show him why. Seriously, we went to lunch one day and talked about it for about 2 hours, just he and I! The good thing is that he and I may differ, but as long as I can sit down with him and explain to him a good reason why my way is superior, he's open to it and usually will concede that I'm right!
And..as for spanking..I don't mean he wants to spank them in the old fashioned term of the word, but rather smack their hand or pop their butt. I don't agree with it and I've shown him that time out is much more effective and I've gone as far as to tell him that if I EVER see him hit one of the kids we'll pack our things, move to mexico and change my name to consuela b/f he sees them again!!!!
Yeah..I wear the pants..LOL

coasterqueen replied: I put that we are similar but differ on minor issues, but I'm not sure...we really may differ on major issues, lol. I know, sounds pathetic.

We both don't want to spank, although the older Kylie gets the closer Ryan gets to wanting to break this one. He thinks if we don't start disciplining her in that way she'll never listen. He's never spanked her and either have I, but we both have smacked her hands on occassion. I've never done it hard but DH did it hard to her the other day and she looked at him shocked and screamed. I was shocked too because it look like it really hurt her. I told him how I didn't approve of that and we should go with time-outs first. Dh disagreed but said he will try the time-outs and we'll go from there. I hope they work, they don't seem to be though. *SIGH*.


Haven't had too many other major discussions at this point. I know I am the more disciplinary one than DH is and only because he doesn't say anything most times or I'm with Kylie more.

amynicole21 replied: We differ on the small stuff. DH is too leniant and gives in to her tantrums pretty easily Just this morning she pulled a chair over next to her high chair for him to sit in while she ate her breakfast. He said no, he would sit in his regular place. She threw a fit, and the next thing I knew I saw him sitting like a doofus right next to her in the chair She has him wrapped around her little finger. I tend to dig my heels in and be stubborn with her just so that she knows I'm the boss - probably silly to do with a 2yo, but I don't want to start any bad habits

coasterqueen replied:


At least he gives in to things like that and not to what Ryan gives in too. When Kylie stayed with my parents while we were on that float trip they gave her suckers. And we have some in the house because I will have them on occassion when she's not around. Well she will ask Ryan for a sucker and he says "ask mommy". I say no. So he'll wait a while and when she asks again he'll just give her one. She gets like a sucker a day from him. I've told him to stop and it's not good and he keeps saying "let her be a kid". Ok...she can be a kid but not with candy every day!!!

She just looks at him with that look and he'll give in. Oh and if it's not a sucker it's some other kind of candy he has around.

kimberley replied: DH and i agree on most things for Jade but have had a few disagreements with the boys. when you are in a blended family, it is hard for the birth parent not to get territorial about disciplining and for the step parent not to feel left out of the process. it takes a while, but we are starting to find a happy middle. i find men in general have a tendency to be more strict and hand out punishments easier. me, i'd rather choose my battles. and i am always stressing that we have to remember that kids are kids. they can be annoying and messy and don't listen, but we were all like that many years ago. it is so important to remember to go down to their level and not expect them to act like an adult. it is unrealistic.

but we have completely agreed on co-sleeping, bf, no spanking, minimizing tv and video games and many other issues. it is just the punishments we have clashed on. i guess our biggest problem right now is the boys' father. he doesn't discipline the boys very often (it is run wild and party time at his house ) and when he does finally get upset, he is physically aggressive. violence only teaches violence imo. it is very difficult when we start to make progress with James' aggression and end up at square one after he spends a weekend with dad. it is hard.

DansMom replied: Well, we agree about almost everything, but DH is stricter about teaching manners. It's just that he thinks about it more and is more focused on it. He also thinks I indulge Daniel's demands and tantrums in a way that makes it worse, and I usually agree with him when I observe my own behavior, and try to be more firm when he points it out.

On the other hand, I'm much more focused on making sure Daniel has proper nutrition every day. I have control after 5 pm, and I make sure he gets enough to eat and good foods. The core of the situation is that DH himself has food issues, doesn't eat enough, forgets to hydrate himself, skips meals, and likes very few foods. So he's not well-equipped to deal with this aspect of things. I tell him what foods to give Daniel and at what time, where it is located, how to cook it, etc. I even had to teach him how to peel a banana (can you believe that?? ).

My2Beauties replied: Me and DF just disagree on some minor things. I think he is a little more strict than I am in that he should just let kids be kids. They do things, they're children! I also think he can sometimes be a little too harsh on his oldest. When she gets really excited about something or says daddy a thousand times in a row while he is talking to an adult, he says things like go away you're getting on my nerves and stuff like that! I don't think he should do that. He also has a habit of bringing Hanna to bed with us if she wakes up a little fussy! I said please just go in there and pat her butt until she falls back asleep and comfort her while in her crib, don't get her out and make a habit of it, but he brings her in there sometimes and says mom she wants to be with mom and dad! She looks so pitiful that I give in too! Kids have a way of looking at you and you just melt!

Maddie&EthansMom replied:

Yep, this is my house. Now that she is 4 we are having MORE trouble. DH and I had a big blowout a couple of weeks ago b/c her ped chewed ME out for her sleeping habits. I really let DH have it. I told him I need his support and he needs to be more firm with her. Kids need discipline and they absolutely have to have boundaries. Everytime I tell her to do something when daddy is around (like go to bed) she ignores me and runs to him...he lets her hide behind his legs, etc. It is just awful. It's hard to keep a routine like that. Since I laid down the law a couple of weeks ago he has gotten MUCH better. I also have been taking more time for myself and I leave him with the kids on his days off. That has worked like a charm in getting him to understand what I go through.
He just doesn't seem to have as much patience with her at the end of the day after he has dealt with her all day. (well, more like after a couple of hours) I love her to death, but it is just harming HER by letting her get by with so much and not setting boundaries.

ediep replied: wow! Good topic!!

I voted that we agree on most things....

DH like to teach Jason wild games, like put the couch coushins on the floor and run and jump onto them. I don't like when ason gets that crazy!
I am also very aware of how much TV time Jason gets because I like to limit the TV, DH lets him watch a lot.
We both agree on no hitting

kit_kats_mom replied: Woody leaves the child rearing up to me since I'm the one who does the reading and research.

He's the hunter/gatherer. LOL

He is more patient with her than I am though most of the time. And I think he would like to not have co-slept with K for as long as we did. However, he understands the importance of BFding so he supports my decisions and plans. In fact, he was telling me that his bosses daughter isn't breastfed and while he was doing it, he had a look on his face like, "how come they would deny thier child". I had to laugh and explain that sometimes there are issues that can cause a mother to choose not to bf'd. LOL

We both wish she'd sleep better but neither one of us have enough gumption to let her CIO. He also plays the more physical games but Edie, the couch cushions on the couch game? K loves that! We play "pillow mountian" a lot.

Kaitlin'smom replied: we are mostly simliar, but we do have somethings we dont agree on, so he usually lets me take the lead Since I spend the most time with her I am the one who is stricter with her, or at least I try to be and set some boundries with her, for the most part I try and let her be a kid. DH does on occasion do things I dont like....like last night giving her chocolate before dinner he got in trouble for that one. Over all though I would say she is a pretty good kid.....she has her moments, but thats what make it fun and interesting...its life, I would get boeard with a perfect child.

Jamison'smama replied: This is good topic---we agree on most things--I am more strict than Jon is though and he is more fun (that's what Jamison would say) He gives in more and thinks her attitudes and spunkiness are cute but when you have dealt with them for 10 hours--they aren't so cute. I am currently taking a positive parenting class and since I am out of town this week he had to attend the class for me last night and I think he learned a few things like maybe he shouldn't play games with her that may lead her to increase her patterns of running from us etc.

The instructor said last week that the most important gift you give a child is a shared parenting style--somehow you have to come to agreements on the issues of importance!

jcc64 replied: This issue just came up for us. Parenting Corey (who is just about 2) is basically a no brainer for us. It's when they get older that it gets more complicated. My oldest son is starting to push for a little more independence. I am ready and willing to grant it in small increments as he proves himself worthy. Dh, who basically raised himself (I never even SAW his parents for the first 2 yrs we were dating in high school), is wayyyyyyy more liberal with the amount of freedom he's willing to dole out. I'm well aware of what what went on in his parents' absence (I was there), and while I'm not foolish enough to think ultra strict supervision will prevent any and all risk taking behavior, I'm not willing to throw the doors open and lay down the red carpet for him either. It's all gotta get worked out ahead of time, and out of earshot of the kids- not always an easy thing to do!

Josie83 replied: Jason and I agree on most things, in fact there are only a handful of instances that I can think of that we've disagreed on. Cassie's a real daddy's girl and like Aimee said of Maddie will sometimes use daddy to diffuce a situation by running to him or sitting on his knee when I'm trying to get her to do something . . . luckily not too often though. One of the things that we have disagreed on in the past is Cassie's dummy, I have been trying to wean her off it since she was around eighteen months, but Jason and my younger sister would give her it if she cried for it, meaning that it was made ten times harder to get her off the darn thing and she would know to run to daddy or Maria which wound me up! Apart from that Jason and I are quite relaxed, and I do think we have blessed with Cassie as she is a pretty good kid (so far!). This was a really good topic, Dee dee, interesting to find out everyone's replies!! xx

A&A'smommy replied: we are almost exactly alike but I'm sure as she gets older we will probably differ on a few issues which I believe is totally normal!