Needed: support from friends - Second worst week of our lives

boyohboyohboy wrote: Starting tomorrow DH leaves for a week. The trial for my murdered BIL begins.
I am feeling so many emotions right now. I won't be able to post much on FB because my MIL reads it and she is going thru enough. So I will come here.
I feel very emotional because of the obvious, but also a big let down, if that's the right expression. I have been the person speaking to the detectives, DA, insurance people, military, ect. For 9 months. And now at the almost conclusion, I can't be there. I don't have anyone to help with the kids, and they certainly can't go there. So DH has to go alone to the trial. Monday is an over view of the incident, Tuesday is testimony from witnesses, the woman who caused this, and crime scene photos. Wed. Is the autopsy, and the coroner and wrapping up of the prosecution. Thursday is the defense and the murderer takes the stand. Hopefully Friday is a guilty verdict of first degree murder.
Sentencing isn't until the end of April.
I can't imagine having to send my husband off to deal with this alone. The rest of the family has been rendered incapacitated since this happened. Many of my BIL friends will be there too.

There are a lot of loose ends yet to tie up.
It's been a long week, waiting for the day he leaves.

I keep wondering if once the sentence is handed out will we return to normal? We've been living in a fog, pretending everything is fine, a numbness really for nine months. Now it's like it just happened. It's very painful.

Boo&BugsMom replied: Praying for you and your whole family, Stacy! I can't imagine feeling what you, your DH, and everyone else is feeling.

jem0622 replied: First of all

Second, I know this does not compare...but when my FIL was ill and dying...my husband was the only one going and handling everything. I was home tending to the kids. Yes it was hard for him at points and we texted and talked over the phone regularly. Where he is going for this trial...is it in your town? Will he be coming home to you guys at night? That would be a help if so.

Lastly...going back to normal. I have found that eventually a peace washes over you in time. But it does take time. It isn't moving on. Some people think folks need to 'get over things'. I think it's pretty rude to say that to anyone. We all heal/grieve/accept things in our own time. Not only are you mourning an un-natural (i.e. did not pass from disease/illness/aging) death, but finding justice for him. So long as justice is properly served, I would expect you guys to feel some sense of relief in seeing to it this person was punished. I pray they don't see the light of day.

I don't get over much but wanted to respond to you.

amymom replied:

luvbug00 replied: Many hugs for you. It must be so hard to not be able to be there. My friend Derek brother was murdered 5 years ago on the fourth of July. They just went to court 3 months ago and justice was served. Now they can find closure. I wish for the same justice for your family. I wish for you the same closure. U are all in my thoughts.

my2monkeyboys replied: Oh, Stacy - I'm so sorry you all are going through all of this!!!! What a terrible tragedy. I am sorry that your husband is having to go through this alone. You are all in my prayers - I pray that justice will be served so that you all can feel some semblance of peace, and you can move past this event and have great, warm memories of you brother in law without the pain from his death.

boyohboyohboy replied: The trial is three hours away so he won't be home until late Friday, or later if there is no verdict.
I plan to speak to him each night. It will be hard wanting to be updated and him being exhausted not wanting to talk.
The kids won't understand.
Frankly we haven't been apart ever since we got married. And the idea of taking on all three kids, the house and everything feels overwhelming too.

moped replied: I so wish I could do more than type. I would take those boys in a heartbeat

jem0622 replied:

Do whatever you can to make it easier on yourself. Due to the schedule we already have...many days it is all me. I have the 4 kids here. When he was away it was a challenge, but I did talk to the kids and told them I needed them to be helpers. I kept a system going for when homework was done, eating, then baths/showers, and bed. I have them all in bed by a certain time and that gives me quiet /unwind time before I hit the hay. You should try for this as best you can, and that might be the best time for the two of you to catch up. My husband did call each night and talked to the kids also.

Maybe with him being exhausted (emotionally and physically)...could he email you a summary and then that way when you talk it is just small talk? My husband would call me in tears at times because he was having to do things that made him question if he was doing the right thing, and he was going it alone (no siblings there by his side) and we would talk it through.

CantWait replied:
This.

Huge hugs

CantWait replied: Also, don't be afraid to set a side a couple times a week where you guys just have chicken nuggets or sandwiches or something else that's easy for dinners so you can take some of the stress off yourself. You can always make a meal healthy by adding fruit or raw veggies. Just cut up a ton of veggies at once, put in a bowl of water in the fridge and you have snacks or whatever for a few days.

boyohboyohboy replied: I keep wondering if we will feel justice. The murderer was in jail since it happened. And nothing changes really. He gets fed, and a paid job. It just doesnt feel like justice. The woman at the center of this wasnt charged. We are considering a civil suit that will just prolong any peace I think.
When a life is taken so brutally and for such a stupid reason, not that there ever is a good reason, but it's such a waste.

My DH is distant, depressed and a completely different person. I want him back the way he was.
I know he feels guilty for not being able to help his little brother. His family isn't close.

I am also learning a lot about the justice system.....it's not encouraging to see it at work.
Mostly I pray there are no errors made and this person never gets out.

boyohboyohboy replied: Thank you guys, see I've been so caught up I didn't think about planning meals now ahead of time. I was thinking about packing DH and his meals and snacks, I forgot about us.
I will work on that today.

Caleb has school and he will be ok.
Jakob and Andrew will be home with me. I decided not to add preschool into the mix this week. He goes three hrs a week three times, it's just easier not to have to rush around.

I plan on sitting the kids down Sunday before he goes and telling he will be gone but call them each day.

jem0622 replied: If you know this woman had some part, then I would do something about her. Especially if it is weighing on your mind and your husband's.

My husband's siblings (he is the youngest)....they have been nothing but a source for stress or upset with us since my FIL passed last June. It is unreal. And I am sad for my husband. His parents would be very upset to see them this way (both my husband's parents are deceased). He has me, the kids, and my family.

I would look into your husband (and yourself too if you feel it is something that would help) talk to a counselor. My husband is a social worker, and I have been through my own share of life situations. We talk through things openly as much as we can and that seems to help.

Some people find a sense of healing/purpose by doing something in memory of a loved one. A scholarship, planting a tree, setting up a foundation, or other. It gives you a place to put your energy and it can help. When I was working through the pain of giving my daughter up and not yet a mother to my 4 kids...I coordinated a site event on adoption awareness and promoting a site to locate missing relatives (whether through adoption, divorce, or other). It helped me a lot to talk to others who had been through the same as me (or were the adoptee searching). So perhaps not a one on one counseling thing but maybe finding a support group of others who lost their family in a violent circumstance? Knowing that others understand you can help.

redchief replied: I pray for peace and patience for you, understanding that no fault lies with him for your husband, and intuition for your children that they see that what is going on with mom and dad have nothing to do with them. I wish you all godspeed through the coming week(s) and may your guardian angels be close to you at all times.

Consider taking seriously the suggestion of counseling for your family when the trial has finished. Often society's version of justice comes no where near close to expectations, and that can leave your family feeling even more incomplete and turned aside.

I think you're wise in questioning the wisdom of a civil suit. Civil awards are always monetary, and I think you have to weigh the chances you'll actually receive any compensation against the continued pain and suffering a civil trial will undoubtedly cause.

boyohboyohboy replied: I am totally against a civil suit personally. My MIL feels that if the verdict is anything less then life in prison then she wants to take his money so he can't pay for endless appeals and also not have money to buy things he wants or position in jail.
I told her my research says that even if he is broke the state will provide a lawyer free. He gets to appeal.
And the money he makes at his job, he will use in jail, he will also get money from his family.

Nobody wants any of this mans money, if there would be a settlement we agreed it would to wounded warrior project which was near my BIL heart.

Our faith has helped get us thru. DH sees a Christian therapist thru the military. He has a free yr of therapy, so he wanted to wait and use it after the trial.

I pray that life is what he gets, and my in laws can let this go.

My BIL is buried in a military cemetery. The respect and peacefulness there is tangible. It always makes us feel better to go there. I know my BIL doesn't care about the trial and punishment of his man. I know it's more for those of us left behind. As a mom I understand why My MIL needs to have the man who killed her son punished.

It's going to be a difficult week.

msoulz replied: I wish we were closer.

jem0622 replied: My company is heading up IT network support for Wounded Warrior (we just helped them stand up their new HQ location in FL), and I am the Project Manager. Besides a donation...if you are needing/wanting more information on anything else...then I am sure I can get it for you.

boyohboyohboy replied:
We couldn't be much closer!

msoulz replied:
LOL, I agree. For a hairy Russian you are pretty terrific! But I meant I wish we lived close to you!!

~Roo'sMama~ replied: I'm sorry you can't go with him Stacy! Can you make a trip to visit him half way through the week or would that be too hard with Caleb's school schedule? I wish we all lived closer to you so we could take turns watching your boys for you so you.

kimberley replied: i am sorry for all your family is going through. i pray justice is served and you all find peace and closure. you are stronger than you think you are and will get through this. we are always here to listen.