Need Advice - long - pregnant daughter

Bee_Kay wrote: Hi everyone. I am new here.
I found out (through the grapevine) that my 17 (almost 18) year old daughter is pregnant.

She moved out a few months ago to live with her boyfriend. She has always been rebellious, she has ran away a few times. Each time, it was something over not getting her way or that she had gotten grounded.

We found out she was skipping school and so we told her that her boyfriend couldn't come over for one week. That was it, she took off to live with him.

I found out 1 month ago that she is now pregnant. They want to keep the baby. Neither one of them work and rarely go to school. Luckily, I was able set it up so she can do homebound schooling because she has had terrible morning sickness.

Over the past couple months, communication with her has been minimal. We offered for her to move back home so that her and her baby could be covered by our insurance. Once she turns 18 (next month) and if she doesn't live here, we cannot hold medical insurance on her.

Now, neither her or the boyfriend work. He rarely attends school, and she isn't doing any homework for her schooling. She lays around all day long doing nothing (his mother told me this).

The living conditions there are less than good.

I am coming to realize that her boyfriend is starting some form of control. She doesn't talk to us unless he is right next to her while she is on the phone. She doesn't stop over unless he is with her. For the times that she plans on coming over but doesn't make it, he calls to tell me that she won't be coming over. When they are here, he is right there listening to every word that is spoken to each other. Up until last week, whenever I would call, they wouldn't answer either phone (home or cell) and messages aren't returned.

She no longer is involved with family or friends (or it's at a minimum).

They came over a couple days ago for dinner and my daughter reeked of cigarette smoke. She asked if she could take a shower, I said yes. I still had a couple items of her clothing here but no undergarments. And I told her so. She said that she didn't have any underwear or bras because they don't fit her anymore. I was angry. If they cannot afford undergarments for her, how can they afford a baby?

My husband and I are worried about her, but she doesn't want to hear the realities of how her life is going to change. So far, the medical bills are being paid by our insurance. She is now starting her 2nd trimester. They have no baby items and like I said, neither one of them work.

Yet, she refuses to come home..... even though we have reassured her that we would not come between her and her boyfriend, or her boyfriend and their baby. We have reassured her that we just want to help.

She was supposed to come over yesterday to visit, but her boyfriend called me on my cellphone and said that she wouldn't me making it over.

I want so badly to just take her out of there and bring her home, but I know it wouldn't do any good. She turns 18 in one month anyways.

I have talked to his mother and she says that although she won't kick my daughter out of her house, she thinks that my daughter should come home.

Do any of you have any advice? Or offer any words that might get through to her?


I forgot to add.....

About a month ago, my husband and I were talking to her about moving home. She started crying and said she wanted to move back home. That is, until she talked to her boyfriend about it. She wrote me an email and said that when she told him she wanted to move back home, he started crying and said that if she moved home, he would start drinking all the time, go back to using drugs, and he would have no ambition in life to do anything.

So, she decided to stay with him.

Bee_Kay replied: Also want to add:

Most of the advice I've gotten from friends and family is summed up as this:

She is being rebellious and thinks she knows what she is doing. She doesn't. Every rebellious teen has a breaking point. Let her learn some hard lessons in life, but let her know you are there for her. She will, most likely, come running home sooner or later.

luvmykids replied: Oh boy, thats a tough one. I'm sorry your family is going through this, as a mother it must scare you to death. I don't think I have any advice, but I do agree that this guy sounds controlling and manipulating. And it does sound like rebellion has a role here, but more than that it sounds like she may have low self esteem to be with a guy like this, has that been an issue for her?

Sorry I'm not of any help, just wanted to give you hugs and your family will be in my prayers.

Kaitlin'smom replied: Well the one thing that got me was you said she wanted to come home until she talked to him, your right he is controlling her. She cant see it now but she will at what point I dont know.

She lives with him and I am assuming his parents? Have you talked to his parents what are they saying.

I guess if it were my daughter and being she is not 18 yet I would have made her come home, by what ever means I had to, yes she would hate me for it, but if she had a boyfriend that was controlling like that she would eventually thank me. No good can come of a relationship like that. While he is not yet physically abusive he is mentaly and that can lead to more. She really does need that wake up call NOW. How to get it I really dont know.

Have you involved the law in any way as of yet?

Bee_Kay replied: As far as involving the law... we've been down that road before. We've tried calling the cops, juvenile detention (at recommendation of social workers), we've tried foster homes, counseling..... ect.
This time, it was recommended to just let her go (she is only about 1 mile away from our home).

He lives with his single mother. She is gone most of the time, working, is what I am told. He is basically allowed to come and go as he pleases and allowed to do whatever he wants.

Yes, she doesn't have self-esteem issues which we have been trying to work on. The few months that they weren't seeing each other last year, she was doing wonderful.... behavior, attitute, good grades, good school attendence.
Then they started dating again.

The last time she ran away, it was he that hid her at a family members home. After that, she broke up with him. After a few (probably 5 months) months is when they got back together and there was an obvious change in her.

Kaitlin'smom replied: How old is he?

Bee_Kay replied: He turned 18 this last September.

Kaitlin'smom replied: well depending on what state you live in can he be brought up on charges? maybe that will get them appart. I know its nto the ideal thing to do but sounds like she despartaly need to get away from him and if you cant talk to her with out him around have him arrested. Sure she will hate you for it now, but she needs HELP now before its to late.

C&K*s Mommie replied: That is a toughie, I am not an expert in any way (for anything), but that is a sensitive subject to try to say something on.

As for the two of them not being able to provide. As a mother of her, I would do anything and everything I could to ensure that baby was taken care of to the best of everyone's ability.

Sadly, the controlling life he has on her, and I suspect eventually with the baby, will be a choice that she wants to get out from under (from what I read) but because of the guilt that she feels she cannnot seem to break free of that. I have BTDT in a similiar way, but the relationship that I was in I 'knew" was not healthy & events within that proved that. But it was a short lived 2 yr relationship anyhow- of which 1yr of it he was in the Army. The only reason I added that is because I knew the potential of where that relationship could have lead to. All of the signs were there, it would have become something like what your DD is going through now. I also suspect that your DD has a low self esteem. And she feels guilty when he says the things he said to her, when she told him she was leaving. No doubt that he knows this, and is only playing on her low self-esteem.

Continue to offer her the love and support she is still holding onto. I do not know what you think of the power of prayer, but if you do-- continue to do so. As I will have P&PT's for you.

She is faced with the guilt of leaving him, and coming back to you which it sounds like she is desiring to do. Or staying and being miserable out of guilt.

I will think on this more, and if I can say anything else I will. My thoughts are all over the place right now.

Best wishes for your daughter to come back home, and your grandchild to be.

BTW.... to the boards!

Bee_Kay replied: I have thought about calling the police, like we have had to do in the past.

I talked extensively to a school counselor about this, as she has been very involved with my daughter.
She says that, because of the situation, my daughter would only take off again..... whenever given the change. Whether it be in middle of the night, when she is supposed to be in school, any time she is left along at home.

She also tells me that my daughter is going to have to see her BF for what he really is: immature, irresponsible, showing early signs of a controller, ect. and she is going to have to learn about life really really fast.

Also, I talked to the BF mother a couple days ago, and she told me that when we offered for our daughter to come home and be taken care of, my daughter told them (BF and mom), that she wouldn't be allowed to have any contact with her BF.

Which is totally UNTRUE. We told her, that although we wouldn't allow him to live here, we wouldn't come between him and her, or him and the baby.

C&K*s Mommie replied:

As a mother of girls myself, that breaks my heart to think that I may be in the same shoes as you with that. But that is almost as close to the truth that you can get. But above all, continue to show her you have nothing but love for her. It may take many years of struggle, but if she falls on her face enough but she knows that you are there not to judge her, but to love her, she may come back running.

I think for me that is what kept me out of trouble when I was younger, knowing that my parents loved me & wanted the best. She has begun this road, and she may have to travel it for awhile until she is tired of traveling it. It sounds as though she is, right now though.

MyLuvBugs replied: WOW. I'm so sorry that you're going through this. I remember being a rebellious teen, but I dont' think I'd ever run away, so I don't know how much my advice will weigh in here.

First, this guy is controlling her. Most definately. My cousin Lynnette is in a VERY similar situation right now with her BF. UGH. And one of the other posts above is right. Your daughter is easily controlled by him b/c of low self-esteem. She doesn't feel that she can do any better than him, and is afraid of him hurting her or him self if she leaves.

Is there anyway that you can meet her for lunch everyday? And just talk with her. Tell her you love her, and that you love her baby so much, and that you fear for her & the baby. Tell her that no matter what happens you will ALWAYS be there for her and the baby, and that you and your husband are just trying to help her the best way you know how. Tell her this everyday!! Tell her she's a strong, beautiful woman, and that she's going to be an amazing mom. What ever you do....DO NOT LECTURE. Lecturing will just push her away, and make her think you hate her. Positive reassurances everyday will help her build her self-esteem, and make her trust you more.

I don't know if I would get the law involved just yet. But just talk and make sure you LISTEN to your daughter. Look for clues that he's abusing her or controlling her, and help give HER the power to stand up for herself and to get out of the situation herself. If he turns violent, then definately get the cops involved immediately. But it's ultimately up to your daughter to decide that she want's more for her life than him.

I hope that helps. Keep us posted ok.

Bee_Kay replied: Oh it's hard all right.

When I talk to her on the phone, he sits right beside her.

When she is here, he watches me and her talking.

About a month ago, I invited her to come over and visit (and she asked if she could spend the night). She had to go to his house to grab some clothes. She came out to my car and told me "I know that my family is supposed to be most important to me right now, but Bill said he needs me here tonight".

2 days ago, I invited my daughter, and ONLY her, to come over and help me bake (which is something she loves doing). She said she'd like that. Yesterday, HE calls and informs me that THEY won't be making it over. (I never invited him, I wanted time alone with my daughter).

OMG, it is so frustrating.... this is the point where I wish I was the controlling one, controlling enough to make her come back home!!

Bee_Kay replied: As far as meeting everyday for lunch.

I did that. I took her out to lunch, after I found out she was pregnant. We had a good talk.
She asked me if I would bring her to her prenatal appointments and if I would be in the delivery room with her.
I, of course, said yes.

After that day, she wouldn't take my calls or return my message for 3 weeks.

I had recieved an email from her, and she talked about the delivery. Her exact words were "If you want to be in there, that's fine. I won't stop you."

WTF? She ASKED me to be in there with her!

Also, about her asking if I'd take her to her prenatal appointments. She had an appointment about 2 weeks ago. I was told nothing about it, but it was her BF sister that took her and her BF there.

The only reason I found out about it is because the clinic sent us the bill.

luvmykids replied: Wow, it also sounds like she's scared and wants to be with you, it's a really good sign that in spite of him she wants to spend time with you, spend the night, etc.

What, if anything, is your relationship with him like? Have you had any dealings with him other than his calls telling you she can't come over? Can you sit them both down and lay out some kind of proposal, let him hear from you that you aren't trying to keep them apart, just want to be able to help her while she's pg? Frankly, I'm a little suprised that his mom isn't a little more helpful in getting her back home.

Is there any chance you can get her or them to a counselor? Not in a threatening way, just tell her you know that being pg must be scary, it's a big change, and that someone objective may be able to help them prepare?

Bee_Kay replied: Our relationship was fine with him before all of this. Even now, we are trying to continue to get along with him.

When she lived at home, he would come over everyday and visit and spend alot of time here on the weekends also.
We accepted him as her boyfriend.

I found two days ago (I mentioned earlier), while talking to his mother. That when we offered for her to move back home, we also reassured her that we wouldn't come between them. We wouldn't keep him away from her, or him away from their baby.....

that, she went back to his house and told him and his mom that we told her she could move back home.... but that we wouldn't allow her have anything to do with her BF. Which is not true!!

So, I am lost as to why she would tell them that.

Bee_Kay replied: Another thing came to mind:

At the end of October, my daughter came to me crying her eyes out. She said she found out that her BF had cheated on her a couple times (one was with a much younger girl). So, she broke up with him.

She confided in me that she wants a boyfriend of "better social standing", so to speak.

My younger daughter had a boy interested in her that was a football player, came from a good family, ect.

My older daughter said she wanted that kind of boyfriend. My advice to her was, if you want that, you can have it. Don't settle for just anyone, you DO deserve better treatment than that BF that cheated on her.

I was so supportive and encouraged her so much.

Only two weeks had gone until they "made up" and it was within a couple days that she moved in with him

Kaitlin'smom replied: sounds like she is deffinalty wanting help just not sure how to take it from you. All the signs are there that she wants out, but she is just so unsure of how to really break free. I am so sorry I wish I had the majic answer but none of us do. Just do what your doing be there for her, and hope she comes around sooner than later. I do suggest when she does finally break free again she gets some councling so she does not end back in the same place.

Good luck.

fashionmumofboys replied: I hope everything works out in your daughter's favour. Her BF really does sound controlling of her, and she should be glad to have a mother like you that wants to continue your relationship with her. Hoping things get better for everybody and I hope she has a healthy pregnancy.

luvbug00 replied:

FIrst I would contact his family and tell them what you have said to her and your feelings about this situation. Make it clear, if you approve of him, That you do. If your daughter.

if he's controling that's no good either. who knows what kind of things he's filling her head with. She is still a minor I would get a restraining order and bring her home.

As far as your daughter being pregnant at 17, so was I , I went threw ALOT and my daughter is happy, healthy and smart and your grandbaby will be fine. Just try and get this sorted out before the child is of age to understand.

gr33n3y3z replied:
I agree with all of this

CantWait replied: WOW it really sounds as if he's controlling her. She's so young, and I'm sure doesn't have a lot of experience right now, that he's totally blindsighted her. She's not ready to see the truth. The only thing you can do is wait and be there for her. You've done all you can do for now. Best wishes, and I hope your daughter smartens up soon

CosmetologyMommy replied: You are doing your part by NOT TURNING YOUR BACK ON HER. My mom did that to me by kicking me out. Now, we barely have a relationship. Just let her know that you are there for her and that one of them has to get a job.