My usual topic... teenage daughter - dealing with "life"

toady_buckshot_noodle wrote: I know this is the wrong forum again but nobody goes on the teen one.

Well, as some of you know, I have a 13 year old daughter. she is smart and out going and handles things well. the problem is I don't!!

She has had a tough couple of days. Monday night she got up the nerve to tell her "crush" she liked him (they''ve been friends for a while) and he started acting all weird. He apologized later but never said he didn't feel the same way. Well last night she was on Instant messenger because one of her best friends told her she needed to give her a message from someone. 2 girls a grade ahead of her came on and started calling her names about her weight and looks and typical bullying mean girl stuff. She was handing it right back to them until I told her to stop talking to them, that she was not going to stoop to their level. Well, she yelled at me that she was not going to just take it so my husband got mad at her for yelling at me and put her on computer restriction.

So she called the best friend instead to get the message relayed and the "crush" had told the friend to tell her he didn't like her "like that". (He likes another girl that does not like him).

It broke my heart. She seemed okay but she is not one to express those kinds of feelings.
She is pretty mature and insightful for her age and asks me questions like "Why is it that the guys you like never seem to like you back and the girls they do like never seem to like them back?" (She has a guy friend that likes her too and she doesn't like him like that')

What do I tell her? I want her to feel secure in herself and understand that she doesn't have to have a boyfriend to feel good about herself but she has been hurt twice already and I am worried about her. She is a straight "A" student and her group of friends are very important to her but there is one "friend" who always trys to turn the others against her and seems to have 2 of the other friends so wrapped that my daughter is starting to get left out by them.

I worry about it all the time and then I worry that I worry too much, that I am living her life for her. ARRRRGH!!!! Anybody understand?

Bee_Kay replied:

I'm sorry but I don't really understand what you are asking. Are you asking about why you are worrying so much about it? Or what you should tell her about it?

I figure (from what you wrote) it's a part of life (getting hurt) and as much as we would like to protect our children from hurt, I believe that they learn valuable lessons that will benefit them later in life on how to, not only deal with people, but on how to also deal with certain feelings.

Being that she is only 13, I am sure she will bounce right back

redchief replied: All of our four are now or were recently teenagers, and all of the experiences you related apply. One of the things I told Erin, who went through a similar experience was that she had to understand that all of those emotions weren't just about her growing up and learning who and what she was going to be. The boys have the same, and sometimes greater, identity problems. She was hurt badly a few months ago when a boy she thought the world of turned on her and said some very hurtful things... all because of another girl. It's tough being a teen; moving between grown-up and childhood sometimes in an instant. Learning how to work relationships and sort out the feelings they have for each other is part of this.

I found that, especially in areas where the kids grew up together, a lot of times boys and girls may love each other a lot, but "not that way." It's hard to understand the difference sometimes between closeness and romance, but that will come with maturity, and sometimes, tough life lessons. Good luck. I know I wasn't very helpful, but at least you know we're going through it too.

Bee_Kay replied: LOL!! thanks Ed.... your words are my thoughts exactly.

I think from now on... when a topic comes up... I should just type "wait for Ed to respond, he will write what I am thinking" LOL!!

toady_buckshot_noodle replied: Well, raising a teenaged girl is new to me and I guess I am afraid I will screw her up. I am glad to know that apparently what she is going through is normal.

Thanks

Bee_Kay replied:
I've been where you are... first time around with a teenager.

It's HARD to not worry about her feelings and it's hard to not get pi**ed about the little #$%%$#$% that will hurt her and break her heart!!! There have been many times where I would have loved nothing more than to smack the **** outta one kid or other throughout the years

but, from what you describe, you have a wonderful well-adjusted daughter

redchief replied:
Everything your daughter is going through is absolutely normal, and we all struggle over the same things. I guees the best advice I have to give is that the only ways you can screw up are:

1. Insulate her to the point that she can't make and learn from her own mistakes and triumphs.

and/ or

2. Not be there to help her up and let her know she is loved when she falls.

redchief replied:


Barb, you're embarrassing me.

gr33n3y3z replied:
I had all that stuff running in my head not just with Erin but even with our boys LOL

Bee_Kay replied:
I am ready with both barrels Lisa.
Tyler isn't quite "into" girls yet. I think he is at that weird stage where he thinks there cute and all.... but actually approaching them in the "I like you that way".... well, he's just not there yet.

My DH tells me that he already has pity on any girl that Tyler dates in the future! (I am the stereotypical "mama bear")

toady_buckshot_noodle replied: OMG it gets worse...

Poor kiddo... Can you believe that the "crush" told Tori's best friend that her likes HER!!! Well, being the good friend that she is she told tori immediately and begged her not to be mad. Well, tori asked him, "you realize that she's my best friend ,right?" and the guy became a jerk and said "yeah, and?" so Tori fought back and told him the bad things that her friend had said about him the whole time Tori liked him (and I do mean mean things). Well now Tori and her best friend are fighting because Tori told him what she said about him. She didn't want to mean to his face I guess, just behind his back!!!

The funny thing is Tori is not upset about the guy but she is devistated about fighting with her best friend.

OMG I am soooooo glad I am not 13!!!


HEY KAY BEE, YOUR SON IS CUTE!! LET'S SET THEM UP!!

JUST KIDDING MOMMA BEAR!!

Bee_Kay replied: LOL!!

I'll tell you what..... I have noticed Tyler's personality mature over the last couple years... and we (dh and I) have drilled it into his head, since he was incredibly young, on how... and how NOT to treat a girl/lady/woman, no matter WHO it is (mom, sister, aunt, anyone)....

I know that someday... the woman that my son chooses to marry, will be a very lucky lady

ashtonsmama replied:
That's my method, Barb.

Good luck, not sure what to tell you!

xKirstyMaex replied: I know it sounds mean but don't worry about it too much! It happens to most of us and its part of growing up. Its great that she is mature. I have a sister whos 15 and shes always filling me in on the latest arguements with her friends and crushes that she has. Boys at that age are so immature and such jerks! I think you should leave her too it. She sounds like a strong one. Make sure she tells you if it all becomes too much and you can give her advice. For the moment I'd let her learn from her own mistakes. Don't worry! She'll be fine!

ashtonsmama replied:

mammag replied: I agree as well! Sometimes we have to take a step back and let our children experience the pain. It's hard for a mom to do because you want to protect them from everything. All you need to do is make sure she knows YOU love her and that you know she can handle it. Like someone else said, the only thing you could do to hurt her would be to be too protective and try to shield her from pain....if she doesn't experience any pain, how would she ever be able to deal with life as an adult?

My2Beauties replied: Oh boy just look what I have to look forward to Desiree is 10 and I see it a-comin'! Help me now

As I see it, you have raised a wonderful little girl, as far as the other girls getting on her about her weight and being mean to her, that bothers me more than the little boy not liking her "like that!" If these girls continue this type of behavior it could potentially really hurt your daughter, by no fault of your own or anyone else, it gives children self-esteem issues. My parents were constantly telling me how beautiful I was and they always did things that helped raise my self-esteem, but junior high and high school are cruel cruel worlds and I was so sensitive that one comment about anything wrong with me and I was devestated. Now, I was sensitive like I said so she may not be so much so, so it may not be as much of a problem. I can honestly say though that if those girls were saying those things to my daughter, I'd have a talk with their parents and/or the school if it continued! I do not tolerate and will not tolerate bullies when Hanna gets older. I know it's terrible of me, but I would have cheered my daughter on for giving them a taste of their own medicine, to me that isn't stopping to someone's level, it's allowing them to know how you felt when they did that to you. By no means am I saying that is the right thing to do, that is just how I was raised, you fight fire with fire and people won't mess with you, at least in my neighborhood you had to or it was apparent that you got picked on. I didn't have a whole lot of trouble growing up with people making fun of me etc.. but when one thing was said a time or two by guys or even other girls it did hurt, so her having a strong backbone is a good thing.

The boy thing - well that's going to happen a million times over before she's even 16 probably, I can't tell you how many guys broke my heart and how many guys hearts I broke, it's the teenage way of life. Just remember to let her know that you lvoe her nomatter what and it's his loss!!! I know she'll have her heart broken a couple of times but she will break hearts too and you keep doing what you are doing by telling her she doesn't need a boyfriend for anything or ot make her feel good about herself!!!! She just needs her friends!