My parents are nuts... I'm expecting - Parents haven't been supportive

Khat wrote: Hi, I haven't posted here and I'm trying to find people that understand what's making me nuts right now.
I'm 38, married last September and almost immediately, my husband and I found out we were expecting (first child for both of us).
My parents and sister live out of state- I grew up with my parents crooning about grandchildren (they have none) and how awful it is that they don't have any. Here we are expecting their first and my mother has basically ignored me. IT's been bizarre. I thought she'd call all the time but in 9 months, she's called three times to ask how I am. I call her frequently, once a week at least, to ask how she is. I finally asked why she isn't calling me or asking about the baby- she said, "You are going through something different than I did." ???? She asked recently when the baby will be born. I said, "When I go into labor..." I didn't understant, I mean, don't babies arrive when they arrive? She said where she lives, "All the women are induced". Not true of course but she believed it. Apparently, she and my sister talk constantly about this baby...but NOT TO ME!
My parents decided to remodel their house...this month, when the baby's due. Hmmmmm. Their choice- but they are "all stressed out" over that stupid house and don't call, don't write, etc. Their choice to do house remodeling at this very time, couldn't wait several months. I think they are nuts.
People ask me all the time when my mother is coming to help... she's not. Meanwhile, she is at my sister's house every day, talks with her every day, takes care of her dog !!!! if my sister doesn't get home in time, that sort of thing. My sister's 44 and needy... she wanted to come down to "see the baby" and I said that another friend is coming for a few days to help, my sister said, "What do you need help for?" She was serious! If she came down, I'd end up taking care of her and a new baby.
I am so hurt that my parents are acting this way. My brother has called every week to see how I am, to ask how the baby's progressing, amazed by the whole process. I moved to a different state when I was married and my husband's wonderful, very supportive, but very busy at work right now. He's working 12 hour days until the baby's born, so I am very alone.
Any suggestions? Kind words? Please help. Khat

paradisemommy replied: well, i can kinda relate to what you are going through. i come from a family of 4 kids and to date, there are 6 grandkids. both of my sisters live in the same state as my mom and dad but my brother and i moved away. now, when i was pg with my ds, my parents never really called me to check on me either. i kinda went the unconventional way by getting pg then getting married about 4 months later. they initially had planned on coming over when the baby was born but without being rude, i tried to get them to come over like a month later - this is our first child, i knew we were going to have to adjust our lives and didn't think they could do much sinch i am breastfeeding. well, i think i may have hurt their feelings and they decided not to come over at all.

just so ended up that my dh got sent to school for 3 weeks when taven was 6 to 9 weeks old and so that left me alone and my mom decided to come over and help me. my dad was stuck at home remodeling a condo that they bought. well to shorten my novel, my dad didn't meet taven until he was just over 1 year old when I flew home to visit. It made me sad every time I thought about it and as I was going through it. they were actually supposed to fly out and spend christmas with us after taven was born and as luck would have it, my nanny (his mom) took a turn for the worst and passed away on christmas eve so needless to say the night they were supposed to depart for here, they had to reroute their trip to see her - just really bad timing I guess. after that, my dad went through a depression and didn't want to be around anyone (travel).

i'm sorry you are going through this - i begged them many times to come over and see us - kept telling them that taven is only going to be small for a short amount of time and they'll never be able to get those times back. i even offerred to pay for their tickets. i think more than ever, you want/need YOUR parents around during this time.

sending lots of your way. if you want, feel free to pm me or write to my main email account - makamaemom@hawaii.rr.com.

hope you stick around here - this is a wonderful place for support!! lots of awesome women and men here!!

aspenblue1 replied: I would be upset also. I hope your parents come around soon. I am in kind of the same situation but my dad only live about 1 hour away and has seen Belle only a handful of times. When I bring her around or at family gatherings.

Just wanted to send you some (((HUGS)))

Boys r us replied: I do find both your mother and your sister's behavior a bit odd!!! As far as your sister goes, I'd say she's perhaps jealous that she's never had the experience of becoming a mother. I don't know her, but regardless of what she says about whether she wants kids or not, I think EVERY woman experiences feelings and a need to subject themselves to motherhood AT SOME POINT in their lives. So maybe that's why she's withdrawn from the situation. But your mom, goodness, I haven't a clue!!!!! Perhaps she senses your sisters feelings and is trying to protect her by being more involved in her and the dog's life and make her feel important.
If your sister is truly needy maybe she made a comment or two about how she "knows" your mom will be spending so much time with you and the new baby that she won't have time for her....I don't know..just a stab in the dark...
I have a hunch though that once your beautiful little baby is born that they will both be stricken with baby fever and just as in love with the new baby as you are!!!
Try not to stress yourself out too much over it..and just remember that, in the end, it's not your baby who will be lucky to have loving people in it's life, but the luckiest people will be those blessed by the love of your child and if your mom and sister choose not to accept that love, then they are the ones losing out!!!!

amynicole21 replied: That really sounds awful. I would be horribly upset as well. One thing to consider, though, is that a lot of people have difficulty connecting to a baby before it is born. My DH, for example, was excited about the baby, but no where near my level of enthusiasm. Once she was born, though, he was all about her Maybe this is the case with your mom. There isn't much she can do right now, but once she can hug and kiss that little baby it could very well be a different story. I hope so anyway.

Please keep us posted

Boys r us replied: ..one more thing...perhaps your mom is trying to "protect" herself, since she won't be able to see the baby often, she may be trying to prevent herself from getting attatched!

Kirstenmumof3 replied: I'm so sorry you are going through this! My mother lives in the same city as me and has never been much of a help when I've had my children. When my first child was born 9 years ago I was 20 years old, newly married and adjusting to having a baby. She came over once the first week we were home and then saw my DD about 3 weeks later. I was so HURT! I needed my mother and she wasn't there for me at all! Then when I was pregnant with my DS she told me she would come and take my DD for me, do things with her, but that didn't happen until DS was about 4 weeks old. Thank God for my MIL! Then when my last baby was born I had to rely on my mother for a few weeks. She needed to be here (kinda long and complicated) and she was said she was going to be here, but it never really panned out and she was only here half the time she said she had planned. I was and still am very hurt by what she has done. But I think it was her way of dealing with becoming a grandparent. I hope once the baby arrives she will change her tune! Will she be coming for the birth at all? I'm glad you have a friend that will be there to help you after the baby is born! Good Luck and please keep us posted!

mummy2girls replied: First of all i just wanted to send you some (((HUGS))). I am not in the same boat as you with my parents BUT my daughters dad(Aron) is... Aron from the first day we started dating(we are no longer together) has told me his dad wants grandchildren so badly. And would be so happy the day he becomes a grandpa. When i did get pregnant the first person aron told was his dad. At first his dad was happy and gave aron a hug. But whn i was 5 months along i had to get an amnio and i found out it was a girl and when me and aron decided about the name he told his dad. Aron says to his dad...your having a granddaughter do you want ot know her name? And his dad says... Why would i want to know the name? HUH?!?! And then from that point on did not want anything to do wioth jenna(my daughter). He has seen her 2 times in the 20 months since having her. Arot cut his ties with his dad because he didnt want himself hurt. BUT he never denyed or never will deny his dad the chance of seeing jenna. He is going to be civil to his dad just not let himself get close to his dad. I see that aron is hurt because of that so that is why i wouldnt do that with your mom and sister. I hope with your situation your mom will change once the baby is born. Maby seeing the baby will bring her closer. She could be distancing her5self from you and the baby because she lives so far and doesnt want herself to be attached to the baby. Scared of bonding. I dont know. Aron still cant figure out wht first he was begging aron to give him a grandchild and then when he finally did he wants nothing to do with the grandchild.

(((BIG HUGS)))

coasterqueen replied: Wow it sounds like my family as far as the needy sister and the mother who is just to busy for me or Kylie. She does watch Kylie but only when she *really* has time and it's usually because my dad forces her too. My dad loves Kylie.

I wish I had some advice for you. My DH's parents don't care two cents about Kylie. Dh says it's because she's their 3rd grandchild so there is no excitement anymore. HUH? Whatever. I just say it's their loss and Kylie is better off without them.

If it were me I'd personally stop calling and see if they come around

Khat replied: YOU ARE ALL ABSOLUTELY THE KINDEST PEOPLE! Everyone of you had a good comment to make, things I hadn't thought about (maybe Mom's afraid to get attached, maybe she needs to see the baby first, maybe she's protecting my sister) and you comments, stories and ideas are really helpful.
You have no idea how much better you made me feel!
It is always nice to know that I'm not the only one with idiot relatives (that's between us)
I didn't mention who sweet my husband's mother is. He is the last of the siblings to have a child (he's 40) and his mother has 8 grandchildren. She has always sounded genuine, enthusiastic, listens to my prattle about how I'm feeling, just has a kind heart, welcoming another grandchild like it's her first. I guess that's one reason I was so surprised that my mother and family has reacted the way they did.
I am sorry to hear the stories from this board that family makes stupid comments or suddenly decides not to be very involved. It hurts.
My Dad told me recently that he imagines I'll be a mother to the younger women I meet who are having babies (made me feel like a geezer, he always says something negative) and then said he didn't understand why people go "ga ga" over grandchildren. Well. Just one more reason not to drag our little one on a flight to see family in that particular area. Let them come to see us- and if I ever hear that they are sorry they didn't see our son when he was little, I'll just scream.
Thank you again for your wonderful and timely comments. You made me feel so much better! With Love, Khat

momof2girls replied: Its sad that your parents are being that way.. Im really sorry if this is causing you stress.
Hopefully they will come around.

MommyToAshley replied: I am sorry your Mom is acting this way. I know it is hurtful. My mother lives 20 minutes away and has probably only seen Ashley (my DD) about 8-10 times and she is almost 22 months old. And, that is only when I bring Ashley over to see her. She has only been to our house twice since Ashley was born. She sees my sister's kids on a daily basis too. So, I know how hurtful that can be. I have no clue why she doesn't come to visit, we were always pretty close. But, I always had to go see her. When I asked her about it, she always said that she was just busy that day or didn't feel well. So, who knows. I still get hurt about it, but I try not to let it get to me. My DH's parents, on the other hand, just adore Ashley and are over here at least once a week, if not more. I am thankful that at least one set of grandparents are interested in Ashley. So, I don't have any advice, just some support and understanding... I know how you feel!