My grandma is really upset - could be a sensitive topic

mysweetpeasWil&Wes wrote: I would love opinions...but no debates please!

My cousin (who has two children of her own) called my grandma the other day and asked about our family's lineage. She asked about health issues, etc. So my grandma of course asked why and this is what my cousin said "I want to be a surrogate mom. I can get paid $40K to do this and I want to have a vacation home. I know I should save the money for my boys college fund, but I figured when it's time for the boys to go to college, we can sell the vacation home and use the money we make from the house instead".

So my 84 year old grandma is of course VERY upset by this! I didn't know what to say when she told me.

Here's my opinion...I think it is wonderful to want to help a couple who can't have children, BUT, I think in my cousin's case, it's for the wrong reason. My cousin (who is my age) has always been very materialistic. Her and her husband are already VERY much in debt. But she wants everything! She has a time share, pool table, several cars, ATV's, and the boys have just about every toy imaginable! Their house looks like a toy store! It's ridiculous IMO. It's all for show! And the sad part about it is that they can't afford it. So I think it's wrong personally, but I'm curious to know what ya'll think about this issue. Thanks

mckayleesmom replied: I agree with you. If she wanted to do this out of the goodness of her heart and to help other people...then I wouldn't see the problem in it....although I think it would be so hard to give a baby you carried away. To do it for a "vacation home" is just rediculous in my opinion.

gr33n3y3z replied: I agree with you also
She is doing it for all the wrong reasons

mom2my2cuties replied: I think despite her reasons, which are none of anyone's business but her own and certainly not anyone's place to judge, what she is doing is wonderful. She is going to make some couple VERY VERY happy.

MyLuvBugs replied: I'm torn on the issue. I mean...yes she's going to be giving a baby to some loving couple, but her reasoning behind it seems out of sorts. A good deed for money? Hmmmmm. Kharmically it just doesn't sound like the best idea. But then again people do it with sperm and eggs all the time.

sparkys2boys replied: I agree that she is SOOOO doing this for the wrong reasons. If it was to help a family that can't have children then so be it, but for a vacation home.. that's a little harsh.

msoulz replied:
Ditto.

amynicole21 replied: Heck, if she wants to be miserable for nine long months, not to mention suffering through all of the fertility drugs and tests and in vitro procedures - more power to her. I guess for me it doesn't really matter WHAT the reason is - she's still doing a good thing. But, I bet once she realizes how difficult it all is she will change her mind.

PrairieMom replied: The people who will be receiving the baby won't really care what her reasons are, good or bad, they will still have the child they have been dreaming of.

As for her financial status, I agree that the $ could be much better spent, but As a person who doesn't always make the best financial decisions... I won't hand out advice.

jem0622 replied: As a birthmother, I can tell you that she has no idea what she is about to put herself through. Right now she sees the money. But when it is time to have the baby and give it up she will encounter feelings that she has never had before.

CantWait replied: Yes I agree, she's doing it for all the wrong reasons. Very selfish if you ask me.

mckayleesmom replied:
Exactly...she sounds like she thinks this is going to be easy money...and wether or not the child is biologically hers...she will still carry that baby for 9 months and bond with it.


Rae....Im not sure about the procedure or how it works, but do you know if the birth mothers are made to attend counseling sessions before becoming a surrogate?

siblingtooolivia replied: I am kinda with Tara on this one - I can only imagine what it is like to NOT be able to have a baby so for the couple who get one they never thought they would get - it is a blessing for your cousin - well come on - who would really NOT be doing it for the $ - would you seriously volunteer to be pregnant, possibly risk your own health, etc. for nothing but the goodness of your heart? I would like to think in a perfect world it would happen all the time but the world isn't perfect and greed or glutney rear their heads....I would hope though that I would make a better decision about what to use the money for - but hmmm a vacation home??? Just kidding....

mckayleesmom replied:
I see what your saying too, and I agree with it also. I think that most (NOT ALL) do it soley for the money. Lets face it...that is alot of money to put out there. I just hope that they counsel these girls on what they are about to do. Sometimes when you want something....like a vacation house...you do drastic things to get it and you don't think about what you are risking in the process. I really hope that these woman are aware that this isn't going to be as easy as they think.

My3LilMonkeys replied: I am torn also....she is doing a very good thing but it sounds like she is doing it for all the wrong reasons.

mysweetpeasWil&Wes replied:
I have no idea. I didn't really go into it with my grandmother and I am not very close to my cousin.

I agree with those who said it's no one's business, but she openly told my grandmother and therefore she has to expect my grandma is going to tell the rest of the family. IMO, if she didn't want an opinion about it, she could have just told us all that she's going to be a surrogate mom and that's it. My grandmother (of all people) didn't need to know why. Again, that's JMO. But this is of course MY family and I'm a little more sensitive to it all.

Anyhow, my cousin has very harsh pregnancies. She has awful MS for all 9 months, so it does make me wonder why she would want to go through with it. Yes, more power to her, but it's quite a surprise. She always said two kids was her limit, because of how sick she gets, so again, it's just a surprise to us all.

Thanks for your honest opinons. $40K is a lot of money, but I would have to argue that I couldn't do it for the money. It really would have to be from my heart. The money is just a bonus. But that's probably just easier to say since I'm not in a financial bind like her. I just can't get over the need to have a vacation home..........

coasterqueen replied:
I have to agree with Tish on this.

What you think is material or not may not be to another. Some think spending lots of money on clothes or going to spas is material and to others it isn't. So I think her need for material things have nothing to do with the unselfish thing she is wanting to do, and that's give a child to someone who can't.

redchief replied: I'm actually more disturbed that she would subject your grandmother to this. Couldn't she have said she was researching her family tree for crying out loud, instead of upsetting an elder so?

Anyway, to each their own as far as the surrogacy goes. It's not going to bring her clear of her debt regardless of her decision. People like that aren't happy with a balanced budget.

C&K*s Mommie replied: as well.

boyohboyohboy replied:
i agree with tara

mysweetpeasWil&Wes replied:
ITA with everything you said Ed!

holley79 replied: I am totally speechless that she is looking at it as a money maker. This reminds me of puppy mills. Sorry, JMHO. I think she is totally doing it for the wrong reason. I think I would have been upset also had I been your grandma.

lisar replied: I think its great that she will be giving a child to a couple who cant have them. Personally if I wanted a child that bad I wouldnt care why the person was doing it for me as long as they could do it. I think the resons for your sister though are a little off. But most people who do, do it. Are doing it for the money.

Boo&BugsMom replied: I guess my only concern would be how serious she would take it if her heart is not in the right place. Everyone here knows taking on a pregnancy is serious and is a huge responsibility (even more so when it's not your own), I would be concerned because she doesn't want to do it to help someone, if she would take it as serious and take those precautions (eating right, taking care of herself, etc.) as someone else would if this was her own or wanted to do it for unselfish reasons. Because of that reasoning, personally, if I had to have a surrogate, I would not want someone to carry my child who was doing it for the wrong reasons, IMHO. Many times doing things for the wrong reasons leads into disaster and someone not taking something as serious as they should, but that's just my opinion.

Calimama replied:
I totally agree.

cameragirl21 replied: Rae, I hope I don't offend you (or anyone else) by what I'm about to say but if she's using her own ova, which it sounds like she is otherwise she wouldn't be worried about the family lineage, then to me it feels like she's selling one of her children to get a vacation home.
I know it sounds harsh and I agree she's going to make another couple very happy but if she were carrying someone else's ova, I'd be more inclined to agree with her decision but to me when you use your own you are selling your child. If she were desperate for the money, like if God forbid one of her kids was very ill and she needed the money for his medical care or something to that effect then I'd understand but to sell one of your own in order to buy a vacation home does not sit well with me.
I'm with your grandma on this one.
I remember when I was in college I was offered an insane amount of money to be an egg donor and when I mentioned this to my mom, her response was, "donate your eggs...what are you, a chicken?! chickens give away their eggs, women don't." So I guess for me, being a surrogate with your own ova is just not Kosher if you kwim.
just my opinion of course.

punkeemunkee'smom replied: As a mom who had fertility issues in the beginning of trying to concieve-I think that surrogacy is usually a beautiful gift to a couple in need of a child- but in this case-I totally Disagree with the choice...It is sad to me that she would litterally sell one of her own children for anything,let alone a vacation home!?! This baby would be part of her and I can't imagine wanting any material thing badly enough to sever that bond

The fact that she brought your Grandma into her skeem is just sad! There are a million reasons to ask about family history-why not use one of them?

Boo&BugsMom replied: That was a question I had. Is she using her own eggs or someone elses? Because if she's using her own, I'd be even more inclined to be against it.