My OCD story - Throwing this out there.....

~~*Missi*~~ wrote: Since my name comes up lol I figured I would just explain to all where I come from. I am not afraid ashamed anything by my illness or how I cope with it.... So here goes

When I heard OCD in the past I always thought of people who washed there hands complusively, checked the locks three times, did everything in numbers like 10 times, etc... I never thought cleaning daily, organizing daily, keeping track of my childs needs, etc.. was ocd... BOy was i wrong... OCD has many forms and many branches.... Its a disease, its not cureable, its liveable. I will always have it. I will always live with it. I can't get rid of it like the flu I will always have this...

The medication doesn't help with the OCD there is no drug out there that can completely CONTROL ocd. I go to a behavioral therapist that teaches techniques on how to devert attention from the complusions. The medication helps with the anxiety, depression, etc,.... that can come with OCD.

I always knew I was OCD.. didn't care because well I just took it as "anal" lol(cleaning, organizing, checking locks, etc..)... When i had Sabrina the OCD spun off into many many other branches. It led me into many branches of PPD. I never had severe depression. I had major panic attacks, anxiety, delusions, paranoia etc...

As I told Ilovemybaby and Erin would know, knowing me.....
When sabrina was born she was early but no major problems. Except jaundice and low weight..... She was 6lb 8oz and by the time she was 4days old she was 5lb 8oz.... I was told she was latched properly etc... I started logging when she would go to breast how long, if she burped if she peed poop'd naps, awake periods.... Then i was told that my nipples were inverted(yeah great LC's at the hospital NOT) and that she was sucking but they were not coming out, leading her to get nothing. I had started pumping over the weekend (she was born thrusday) and logging. AMount, time, date, stored, given, fresh, and her pees poops awake etc..... I have several notebooks of this documentation. Chris (DH)started to wonder why the heck i was being so "odd". He chalked it up to new motherhood.

He knew that I cleaned (vac, dust, wash toilets windows etc.. organized drawers books dvds closets DAILY) but this was new. I was good at hiding most the OCD from people close to me except mom and chris. So he said something. I still ignored him and just said I was concerned parent.

I was the sole care giver. I had sabrina 24/7. I started having "delusions" that she would drown, she would fall, she would get stoled, car accidents etc.... I couldn't go anywhere ride in the car nothing i would have severe attacks. I couldn't breath and i would freak. The more Chris picked and asked about it the more i had "delusions" towards him. Finally I called my OB and said I need to be seen ASAP. Sabrina wasn't gaining still at 6weeks she was still tiny (per say) I was still pumping exclusively for her, I thought no way no formula.

i went to see my OB. I saw the NP who specializes in woman health. Needless to say she was a B word that rhymes with witch.... She told me "your psychoatic can you place your child with anyone else for care". I broke down and bawled. I called chris and wouldn't touch sabrina i wouldn't drive nothing. She recommended that I go to the ward at the hospital. But i asked to speak to the NP i normally see. Barb sent me to a behavioral therapist... i was seen immediately for 3hours.

I was given a script for Zoloft and did research and called the ped etc about the effects in the breastmilk. I wouldn't give up pumping. I would rather me go in a home and send it to her then not to give her my milk the best thing for her... So after weighing it I knew I had to take the pills. There was NO documentation that effects in BM. So I started 50 mg twice a day. And behavorial therapy 5 times a week for an hour.

After about two months I finally gave up my notebooks and knew that I was giving her enough even thou in my head I knew the ounces the poops the pees etc.. I would always ask the ped about it. But at least I wasn't writing EVERYTHING down and taking more time out from her. I still clean daily that is just me.. I don't do everything if someone is here. I may just vac and pick up and clean the bathrooms. I may not dust.

Sabrina has seen me with the vaccum so much she mimicks and tries to push it herself. She takes wipes and runs around dusting the house, jsut like mommy. I don't want my kid like this. It kills me when I hear someone say OMG your kid has OCD. I know how horrible it has been for me and the things it does hold back from.

When sabrina plays outside she gets dirty my first reaction is to clean her. But usually someone is there that knows me and says leave her be and deverts my attention and then I start my behavorial therapy that helps.
I still have horrible anxiety but I just again do the techniques learned to devert my attention. I can ride in the car without screaming gasping etc.. finally. I can sleep without checking her 100 times thinking someone stoled her. Granted I have the monitor on full bore but at least i am not getting up.

Its a long long process and its hard to deal with. I am WAS on medications I WAS on zoloft. We are trying to have a child again and will not have drugs in my system for this child cause I didn't for sabrina( I DO NOT RECOMMEND THAT ANYONE ABRUPTLY STOPPING MEDICATIONS WITH OUT DOCTORS HELP, I HAD MY DOCTORS HELP AND AID IN THE PROCESS, in my case and conditions the negatives outweighed the CONS so I have to stop to ensure my chances of getting pregnant and STAYING pregnant). I know that I will GO back on it immediately following the birth. There is more passed blood barrier (like placenta) then BM, So that is why...

I still see the therapist 1 a month and also attend a group for mothers suffering from OCD/PDD...
The best thing is getting help. I am not 100% ok but i function in a normal world with a child who isn't effected.

i HATE messes, but i know that she is a child and that she will make them. NOW DH is another story I figure he is 25yrs old he can help or clean up LOL. Sabrina is a child a child will be messy that was the BIGGEST hurdle to overcome. Yes there are days where I think feeding her myself or hold her etc... will be neater. Or that i swear days she purposely makes a mess to see mommy run around cleaning and picking up after her. I let her be a child so that she may not grow to have this. yes when she gets dirty I change and clean her, but that I don't feel is OCD i feel that is cause I wouldn't go out with a dirty shirt nor would i sit at home with it. I bath daily so does she. There are things that I feel are "norms" as a OCD person that aren't Norms for others.

IMHO NOT POINTING TO ANYONE! I don't use it as an excuse for denying sabrina anything. I would clean 100 more times a day to let her have the world. I clean when I wake up before she does, when she goes to nap, and when she goes to bed. Not to mention after meals and snacks. Her I clean as needed...
I have the disease (and it is) not Sabrina and that is how i keep it..... this is why I never talk about it on here or anywhere cause its me..... Erin Knows it only because she has been near me or had me over where i refolded her daughters clothes drawer or cleaned her bathroom LOL (it wasn't dirty it was just there for me to clean).....

P.s i know i rambled LOL, but i am not looking for sorry's etc... its awareness. If one woman reads this and sees that I put myself out there for everyone to see, and comes forward and gets help.... whether she says it her or just does it. This is worth it to me.

This is my story and daily I deal.... its all you can do! But behavorial therapy is a wonderful thing. It teaches deversions and techniques to rethink certain situations. I still have to talk about feelings and things but mainly i work on my OCD....

luvmykids replied: TFS, that takes a lot of courage. Sounds like you manage it very well.

kayla's mama replied: Thanks for sharing your story with us. I know it took alot of courage to tell it

Lexismama replied: Love ya babe

C&K*s Mommie replied: Thank you for your honesty. My hope too is that one person will read this and choose to seek help, and be honest with themselves too.

Thank you for the enlightenment as well. I did not realize that OCD can have other effects, too. Such as delusions, paranoia, depression.

Thanks Missi.

amynicole21 replied: Thank you for sharing your story. I have mild OCDs and anxiety that have been controlled by zoloft for many years. I went off of zoloft with my first pg and it was BAD NEWS! I stayed on through my second pregnancy and it went much better. Are you sure that going off to get pg is the best thing for you? It sounds like you have really looked into it and made your decision, I just wanted to make sure you knew that the risks of transmission are minimal compared to an unhappy mommy

coasterqueen replied: Thank you for sharing your story. My niece has OCD and suffers anxiety, she's 6 years old. She's stayed with us a few times and just trying to understand and live with those issues for a short period of time were very difficult for me. I understand her a lot more now and have to remind myself that some of the things she does is because of her OCD, that she's not strange.

kit_kats_mom replied: Thank you for sharing. I feel more educated now. And also a bit concerned for myself.

You should see the spreadsheets I have for everything from house schedules, diaper changes (when they were little), feedings, weights etc. And I do get really antsy if the house is a mess. It's like I just can't settle down if there is stuff on the floor or anything. It's frustrating but I just thought I was a neat freak and ridiculously organized.

Maybe I'll mention it to my doc at our next appointment.

coasterqueen replied:
I have lists for EVERYTHING. I also had spreadsheets and documented ALL feedings/wet-poo diapers, etc, etc for months with Kylie, especially, and freaked out 24/7 that she wasn't getting enough milk, etc. I drove myself crazy and my DH. I just thought that was just being a new mom, though. But I still have LISTS for everything and I am the most anal person I know IRL...everyone I know would tell you that too.

CantWait replied: Thank you for sharing your story with us.

~~*Missi*~~ replied: I talked with the doctor (fertility specialist/ob) and behavorial therapists about coming off the medications.
I have had three pregnancies. One of which I got beautiful Sabrina out of... I have two that I miscarried both. The only difference was medications. So they started to wean me to "see" if it would help. We started clomid/serophene again and although it has no contradictions with them the following options (shots etc..) do. I have seen some of the tendencies to come back slowly.... When I see the doctors for my next appointments I will talk to the therapist about increasing sessions again till I get pregnant and give birth... But if I start going completely nuts (so to speak) again I will go back on them...

The best thing was admitting it to myself then to Chris (DH) he was the worse to have to tell and getting help.

Ocd isn't just obsessive cleaning or obsessive ticks....
Here are some articles on it.....

My thought would be if you feel you have OCD talk to your doctor....

http://www.nimh.nih.gov/healthinformation/ocdmenu.cfm

http://www.ocfoundation.org/

http://www.geonius.com/ocd/

http://www.ocdhotline.com/

the last one is a self test( i still answe yes to ALL)

ilovemybaby replied: Thanks Missi I know that takes courage.

I too don't want to take anti-depressants during pregnancy. I've read it can cause withdrawals and other problems and I just dont want to risk it. If I find an article I'll post it but I'm going to be BUSY today cleaning up for Abbys 2nd Birthday party tomorrow (it's her birthday today).

I did an online OCD test recently and my score was 23.

~~*Missi*~~ replied: I love my baby..... I see a fertility specialist, regular OB, and a high risk pregnancy doc and the all agree that in some people the risks to the mothers health out weigh the decision to wean.....
They also told me that its safe to take til 22weeks and then start to wean but in my case i am usally in preterm labor by 20weeks so....

There are withdrawl effects in small cases but they are rarely seen.. there is an article about it that my doctor gave me if I had my scanner ..... its from the cleveland rainbow babies and mayo clinics both did studies...

But all meds and effects are different also.... like i know zoloft has the Lowest transfer rate and prozac has the highest..... i am off to search for it..

holley79 replied: Thanks for sharing. Took a lot of courage for you to do that.

ilovemybaby replied:
Yeah I think I'm just paranoid. I won't even take Panadol (I think it's called Tylenol in the US) and I have been told that it's totally safe to take. So I just put up with headaches and any other pain and wait for it to go away on it's own.

Also the anti-depressant I was taking before was Aropax which I've been told is basically Prozac. I used to take Prozac before Aropax but I started having some nasty side effects like paranoia and suicidal thoughts etc...

If I had OCD really bad then I probably wouldn't have a choice.

~~*Missi*~~ replied:
Honestly I dont' know I know they say tylenol in low doses is save but like you I never took it unless HAD to cause I had so much other crap in me it was the last thing I wanted to do. I was on Procardia every 2 hours (all day and night I had an alarm clock for it) for the contractions with a terbutaline pump.

Panadol I am guessing is like our tylenol everything I have seen on it, its a mild pain and fever reducer that they have for children also....OTC.

Never heard of Aropax. I am guessing you are from Canada thou cause everytime I search it LOL a Canadian drug store came up.....

I still cant remember the article can't find it but Kellymom.com is great and my OB even knows about it and recommends it to pregnant or lactating mommas.....


HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!!!