My MIL - she is so hot and cold

mysweetpeasWil&Wes wrote: My MIL and I sorta had a rocky start to our relationship. We don't dislike each other, but there were undiscussed issues and a bit of tension at the beginning. Then as soon as Wil was born, our relationship turned around for the better. It was like we could finally relate to each other and I think she just had more respect for me and I for her. She was calling me all the time, it felt like a new BF. But ever since she got remarried (which has been two years), she is sorta back to her old ways. Just stand-offish and cold. Like she doesn't care as much as she did when the boys were first born. I hate to say it, but it's sorta like she only needed me when she wasn't locked into a relationship of her own and having a rough relationship with her own daughter. Like I was being the daughter she wished she had. And although that is just a speculation on my part, it hurts to think it may be true. I can't handle people who decide to be your friend only when convenient for themself. And that's how it feels with her. Now that she is in love, she doesn't seem interested in my life at all. It's like she is back to her critiscising ways, just as she was when DH and I were first married with no kids. Ugh.

Should I talk to her about it or just let it go? I hate to make things worse. I asked DH if she has a problem with me, but he says she never mentions anything. But come on, she NEVER calls our home anymore. Only DH's cell phone. If I hear anything from her, it's from DH telling me she called him at work. So strange. I get along really well with her new DH, so I really don't know what it could be.

Insanemomof3 replied: I would talk to her about it. Put your mind at ease.

AlexsPajamaMama replied: When my mil gets like that, which she does often, I just let it go and don't waste my time trying to figure her out.

She is very critical of the way I live my life (being a sahm) and raise my child. One day she will think I am too easy on alex and don't disciplin him enough and the next minute she thinks I expect too much from him and dont let him be a kid
She used to invite me to go shopping with her on saturdays...and all of a sudden for no real reason she started going by herself and not mentioning it to me anymore.
Sometimes I can confide in her and vent away and other times it all gets thrown back in my face...so now I choose to keep conversations very generic. In the end my husband is her son and she will stand by him before she takes my side. That is just the way she is even with her other children.

I dont know what you should do, I guess every situation is differant, mother in laws are not always easy to be friends with. I hope it all works out for the best and you can figure out what her deal is. Maybe she doesnt realize she is being so distant because she is busy with things in her life now...who really knows why "they"(mils)do the things they do.

luvmykids replied: I've decided the dynamic between MIL/DIL is very complicated and hard to figure out I think it sounds like what you suspect, that she just has her "own life" now....as terrible as it sounds. I think whether or not you talk to her about it depends on what you want out of the conversation, my guess is she won't do a 180 but if you'd like it to be better, it's worth talking about. If you're ok with the relationship and your only beef is the how/why, I'd leave it alone.

lovemy2 replied: I have realized with my MIL - she has 4 boys and in the end she really only wants her 4 boys- she says she wants DIL and Grandchildren but in the end unless the grandchild is a boy (which I have seen first hand since Dylan was born) she really only wants her 4 boys......I hope I am never like that with my son and his GFs or someday Wife.....

mysweetpeasWil&Wes replied:
Good point Monica! She has been building a new home for the past year or two, so she IS busy with that, but gosh, aren't we all? And my SIL is sick right now (long story), so that consumes a lot of her time. And I have to remember she is still in the "honeymoon" stage of her marriage. So I guess those are good "I'm too busy" excuses on her part....But gosh, can't she call to see how her grandchildren are doing? And she used to come visit every couple months, now it has been over a year or so. Oh well.

Thanks for everyone's advice. Sorry to vent.

moped replied: Well Id ont' know - if there is nothing wrong with her then she is oging to think you are nuts, but if it is going to mak eyou feel better then maybe talk to her - I am no help......

mysweetpeasWil&Wes replied:
I see what you're saying, but I have TWO boys and she seems less interested in them now than ever. But you're right, HER son can do no wrong and I think she only calls him because she really only cares what HE is upto. Again, oh well. The dynamic between MIL and DIL is strange and I certainly should stop worrying on how to change it.

luvmykids replied: I sympathize, my MIL and I have had a few "honeymoon" phases of our own, when we're close, get along, talk frequently, etc....but inevitably there is a downturn and I used to wonder and analyze and all that good stuff. I finally realized that when it's good, I enjoy her, and when it's not, I'm fine.

I mentioned to MIL once about her not calling for a period of time and she asked why didn't I call her...which was a good point. Maybe you can call her once in awhile and just give her updates. Although you may not feel like you should have to do that, it may go a long way towards knowing you're doing your part in maintaining the relationship. It can fall into the silly trap of "She hasn't called so I'm not going to either" which at times I admit to on my end; for me it's worth the call every once in awhile for a few minutes and then I get on with my life

kit_kats_mom replied: Well, if you miss her friendship you could just let her know that you are here for her if she ever wanted to talk.

Frankly, my MIL never calls the house to talk to me and that's just dandy as far as I'm concerned. We never have clicked and I doubt we ever will.

mysweetpeasWil&Wes replied:
Again, a very good point Monica! I think I'll try that. She could just feel that I'm always too busy with the boys to talk, so she doesn't call the house. I know my own grandmother always says "I didn't want to call you because I wasn't sure if the boys were napping or you guys were eating dinner". So maybe this is it for my MIL too. Thanks for pointing that out.

Cece00 replied: If it bothers you, talk to her about it.

Personally, I used to like my MIL, but that was until I saw through her facade to see who she REALLY was. My DH warned me, too...darn, I hate when he is right

But anyway, we dont talk too much now, MAYBE 2 times a month, and its never really to talk, just one of us needs some info or a favor (for ex. I NEVER ask her to watch my kids, but my BF had a baby & I was desperate- or she will call me & ask me to check up on my 10 yr old BIL when he will be home by himself until 6 pm). My DH talks to her probably less than that.

So we dont have a good relationship, because of her, and I dont worry about it. She will forever be more concerned about anyone on the planet before DH, me, and the 4 kids who live in our house, so I dont concern myself with her either.

lovemy2 replied:
Yep - I bent over backwards for her until the two other SIL who have been around ALOT longer told me to not bother - now I really don't - that way I am not disappointed

Calimama replied: I think calling her is a good idea. She should make more of an effort though.

A&A'smommy replied: You could definitely call her and ask her how she is doing and just let her know that you miss talking to her!! I'm not much help my mil and I rarely ever talk

Maddie&EthansMom replied: I would have to agree w/Monica. Call her and invite her to go shopping. Maybe she is waiting on you to make the move. If she's anything like my mother, she is so busy that she doesn't realize how long it has been.

My MIL died after we were only married a year. I didn't know her that well, but from what I remember, we didn't get along too great. I hate admitting that now, but she was very controlling and manipulative. I like my space and she didn't respect that.

It's like you can never find a happy medium with the in-laws.

luvmykids replied:
So true

mysweetpeasWil&Wes replied: Okay I just called her. Man is she so awkward...or maybe it's just me. Done, did it, over with. Time to move on. Thanks everyone!

luvmykids replied:


At least you got it over with, and now, like you said, you can move on

I sure hope we're all better MIL's than the ones we got

Cece00 replied:
That is a huge fear of mine! I really hope I never act like my MIL or my ex's mom