My 6 year old

Keri_21 wrote: I have a 6 year old daughter she talks back, yells, throws things, and thinks she runs the house. Me and her father are not together so he gets her on the weekends and spoils her and buys her and takes her all the fun places, basically he babies her. and when she comes home it takes me a couple days to get her back into the swing of things. any help please

my2monkeyboys replied: Have you tried talking the her father about all of this? Maybe y'all can work out some sort of agreement in the discipline/rules department. If that doesn't work, then I'd sit your daughter down and talk to her about her behavior. Let her know what the rules are and what the punishment is for breaking those rules. Then stick to them, no matter what. If that means your are the 'bad' parent, then that's how it must be. I hate that you're going through this, as I'm sure it's very difficult. Just make sure she knows who the parent is and who the child is, and when she's behaving, tell her how proud you are, etc. Make sure you acknowledge the good behaviour as well as the bad.
BTW, how long have y'all been split up?

Keri_21 replied: We have been split up for about 5 1/2 years..i have already tried talking to him about this and it seems like he doesn't care cause he only gets her ever other weekend and she is with me the rest of the time

redchief replied: Without mutual agreement on discipline, you won't get anywhere. I have no advice that can help you in this.

Boo&BugsMom replied: I have to agree with Ed. Without a consistancy between both parents, there wont be any significant changes in her behavior. Sorry. Your ex needs to understand that he is doing her a great dis-service by being her friend and not "being the parent".

my2monkeyboys replied: I have to say that I disagree with Ed (I know, I can't believe it either!) this time. A family member of my DHs went through this very thing about 8 years ago. The mother remarried and the dad got the son every other weekend. The son Justin would come home acting out and talking back, etc. What they decided to do (after having a worthless talk with the dad about it) was just to be super consistent and strict with him. For example, when he messed up, he wasn't just grounded from going off/seeing friends, he was grounded, no tv, no radio, no video games, no phone. Now, in saying this I will say that it took a while to see improvement, but within about 6-8 months he was actually a nice kid to be around. Now, he's 16 and he's as nice as you could want. They simply made it clear that no matter how he acted at his dad's house, when he was home it was a different ballgame, and he had to get used to that. Granted it wasn't the easiest year on any of them, and it really isn't fair to the child, but I truly believe that had they given up he would be in juvenile hall somewhere today. It even started to bleed over into his visits with his dad, amazingly enough!
Please don't give up on you little girl... I know it will be rough, but you can do it. Remember, he only has her about 4-6 days out the month... you have time on your side to teach her a better way to behave.

luvbug00 replied: welcome and I agree with Ed's post. I know her father may want to spoil his little girl because he sees her so rarely but in the end i fear it will not beinifit her to not have the consistancy she needs. Maybe you two can work out somthing so he feels like he can get her a treat when she visits according to her good behavor. "Children who act out most of the time are crying for consistancy" or so dr. phil says.

CantWait replied:

my2monkeyboys replied: I'm just wondering, is the advice of most everyone that has responded to this to simply give-up if the dad isn't willing to help? If so, I think that's a sad, horrible thing. She may not can make him do right, and I don't believe that means she can't make her child behave correctly. It will be tougher, no doubt, but I believe it can be done.
I'm not trying to start an arguement, I'm just really surprised at the advice given so far.

Boo&BugsMom replied:
No, I totally agree. I am in NO WAY saying to give up. But, because the dad is not willing to work with her, the absolute best outcome is not realistically possible and it's going to take a lot of extra effort and consistancy from mom's end. I believe, as she gets older, she will start to understand that the rules at moms house are stricter than dad's house. But, mom has got to keep on it and have the strength to make her realize that certain things will not at all be tolerated like they are at dad's house. My only point is that the best solution is to have a consistancy between mom and dad's and that it wont work as effectively without that happening. But, in no way should mom give up at all, or else the girl will go totally downhill. At least if she has the consistancy from mom, she will soon realize that mom wont put up with certain things that dad will.

C&K*s Mommie replied: Still agree with Jennie (TannerBugsMom) about not giving in, and staying consistent while your daughter is in your care, Keri.

b&bsmom replied: I believe you make it clear that you have rules and consequences that go with it if you break them. It is just like when I watch kids in my home ( my day job) they know my rules and what they can and can't do. They may be able to do that at their house but not in mine, so they know when they are with me these are the rules and you need to abide by them.

I also must say the talking back, yelling and such, I have that issue with my now 7yr old dd. We have had a long talk and she knows when she gets uncontrolable she will end up in her room or have a privelage taken away. I did a reward system for awhile where if they earned "marbles" then after they got 20 marbles I would give them $2 if they earned $10 then I would take them to a store to buy something.

I hope that helps. Don't give up on her. If you make things consistent in your home then things will get better eventually. I would sit down with her and make the rules and consequences up together so that she understands and helps you with the rules she may be more cooperative in accepting them. Hope that helps.

Hillbilly Housewife replied:
I agree with this. I'm actually going through this on several issues... when my kids (4, 2 1/2 and 10 1/2 months) are at my inlaws, they act totally different than they do at home, there are different rules, they are allowed to do certain things that they cannot do here. It took a while, but they learned that there are different ways to act at different places.

Also the 4 year old I watch during the day doesn't act out nearly as much here as he does at home - partly because I'm strict and consistent... and his mom tends to be more of the "fine then!" type of parent...

juyst be consistent and make sure to explain that the kid can do that with daddy, but not with mommy....eventually they'll get it.

Nina J replied: I agree with WillsMama Good luck